Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Siblings’ different treatment

81 replies

SweetSouberry · 16/01/2019 15:15

Long term Lurker First Time Poster. Everyone in real life agrees with me but they would wouldn’t they?
Brother-in-Law is firstborn’s Godfather because we caved to MiL. He has never shown any interest in either of the kids MiL gets presents for them from him and no reference is ever made to being Godfather.
So he is now engaged to a woman who seems genuinely lovely on the odd time we’ve seen her.
So an invitation arrives for my eldest and not his sibling from her inviting him to a West End show. She takes her Godchildren to a show every January and this year has asked BiL’s Godchildren as well.
I was stunned that one nephew was invited and not the other. My youngest is really upset. I texted asking if I could come as well with youngest (I would pay). BiL says it’s just Godchildren and not siblings,
There is complete logic in this so why am I so upset to the point that I cried today in front of mothers on school run like a drama queen?

OP posts:
GhostSauce · 16/01/2019 15:23

I'd say no to them to be honest.

myhamsteratefreddiestarr · 16/01/2019 15:23

I do think it is a bit odd, it is his nephews as well, not just random child godson.

My DB is godfather to a (non family) child and he has always treated the sibling exactly the same on Christmas and Birthdays.

It is either a life lesson for your younger child that life isn't always fair and there will be times when one does something that the other can't, or you stop eldest DS from going saying that it isn't fair if they don't both go.

Two very different scenarios, both justifiable, but harsh on one child whichever way you did it.

Cab you take other DS to see something different on the same day? Or book tickets but sit well away from them?

lastqueenofscotland · 16/01/2019 15:23

Godchildren only excuse is tricky when you are related however it’s a trip to a play not a holiday/once in a life time experience so I’d just eldest go and do something fun with the youngest on the same day separately

Enidblyton1 · 16/01/2019 15:24

I suppose this sort of feeling is why I wouldn’t ever ask a family member to be a godparent. In this instance, they are acting as his godparents, rather than uncle and aunt. It IS irrational of you to be upset about it.
Would it help to look at it from another angle? If your eldest child wasn’t a godchild, neither of your children would have been invited. It’s very generous of them to take godchildren to a west end show. It would start to get out of hand if they had to take all siblings of godchildren.
Do you perhaps feel sad because the godparents of your younger DC don’t do anything like this?

Enidblyton1 · 16/01/2019 15:25

*thing (not feeling!)

Becles · 16/01/2019 15:26

I treat my godchildren differently to their siblings. They get outings, birthday presents and cards. Siblings only get something if I'm specifically attending their party or I happen to have a spare ticket or it's not a faff.

mrsm43s · 16/01/2019 15:29

But one child is his Godchild, and the other is not. Why did you not make him Godfather to both children? If you had, then they'd both be invited. DC2s Godparent could do something with DC2 on that day/ or another day.

I don't actually think I'd treat two siblings differently myself, but i think that your DBiL is perfectly justified in doing something with just his GC if he wants too, and since he is only GF to one then you can't really complain, because presumably it was your choice that he wasn't GF to DC2, so it is you that chose for the relationships to be different.

Seeline · 16/01/2019 15:30

I can't see a problem with this actually. His godfather is treating his godson. Your other DS is not his godson. I don't think that siblings should be treated the same - equal yes- but not the same. As they get older their interests and personality will develop differently, so will want different things. How old are your DSs?

doodleygirl · 16/01/2019 15:35

In your first paragraph you seem annoyed your BIL paid no attention to his godson and now he is you are still annoyed.

YABU and it’s a bit of a silly thing to cry over.

TORDEVAN · 16/01/2019 15:35

They can’t stop you and your other DS going the same day 😁

I think YANBU given that he hasn't bothered with his godson until now

MaiaRindell · 16/01/2019 15:38

I think the gf sounds really nice to include your DS in the treat she has arranged for. Does your other DC's godparent buy them gifts etc?

WatchingFromTheWings · 16/01/2019 15:45

Regardless of one being his god child and their other not, they are both his nephew/niece and should take both. I wouldn't let him take one and not the other.

OyOy · 16/01/2019 15:55

*There is complete logic in this so why am I so upset to the point that I cried today in front of mothers on school run like a drama queen?

Possibly because there's something deeper going on?

Growing up, you feel like you were second-best?

Or is your family treated as second best on your husband's side?

BrendasUmbrella · 16/01/2019 15:56

That's a toughie. Could you accept, and then give the younger one a treat day separately?

justonemoreminutepls · 16/01/2019 16:00

I get that it is annoying but my godparents do something similar.

I share my godparents with 1 sibling, my other 2 siblings have other godparents.

My godparents buy me and other sibling gifts for xmas/birthdays but not the other two siblings. I find it a bit awkward to be honest but it is entirely their choice on how they decide to be a god parent....

On the same note, an aunt of mine is a godparent to one of my siblings... and you wouldn't know. She makes no extra effort with that sibling at all, in fact she makes more effort with me...!

It's a shame you were forced into a a particular godparent and now you're initial reservations are being played out..
He can't really win... he wasn't doing anything as a godfather before... and now he is you don't like it... It's a tricky position for him but I understand your frustrations too.

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 16/01/2019 16:00

Surely the role of uncle is as relevant as godfather?
He should take both.
I would text the gf and say you are puzzled as bil has given zero fucks about his role as gf so far

Kahlua4me · 16/01/2019 16:01

But he was asked to be godfather for one dc and not the other....

My dd’s godfather sends her Christmas and birthday presents but not for our DS. Fine by us as he is her godfather and DS understands and is okay about it. When he visits though he will bring gifts for both of them. However her godmother does treat both my dc equally but maybe b cause she lives nearby so we see her far more frequently.

That is the problem of having relatives as godparents and also how seriously the godparents view their role. DS sees his godparents a lot but they are more like family friends and have probably forgotten they are even godparents whereas dd’s godfather takes his role/duty very seriously.

secondarymincepie · 16/01/2019 16:02

But if you didn't want him to treat your kids differently, why did you make him godparent to one and not the other?
Surely the other son gets treats from his own godparents that your oldest son isn't included in?

viques · 16/01/2019 16:02

The new girl friend sounds lovely, kind , thoughtful and generous to include her bf s godson with her godchildren, she obviously takes her God parenting duties seriously, which is something you have said your BIL doesn't.

I think you should be looking at the other child's god parents to beef up their involvement if she is setting the standard.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 16/01/2019 16:04

Whilst I can see why you would be annoyed as they are both his nephews I can also see the logic in that he is asking him as a godchild not as a nephew.

Does your other child not have godparents who are involve and take him on outings? It seems unfair that your oldest should miss out on a lovely day with his uncle, new partner and her godchildren just because you didn't give your children the same godparents.

PositivelyPERF · 16/01/2019 16:05

But your brother didn’t plan the trip. It’s something his girlfriend does with HER godchildren and it was lovely that they wanted to include your child/his godchild. What happens if her godchildren have siblings and they hear of it? Them it’s not fair that they can’t go. I think you need to explain to your youngest that this is for your oldest and he is entitled to his special days out, without the youngest. It would be horrible to turn the invite down, because that punishes your oldest.

Do you insist on taking your youngest along to any parties that the oldest attends, in case he’s upset? Why can’t you do something lovely wi5h your youngest, on that day. Spend some one to one with him.

What about your youngest’s godparents? What do they do for him?

phoenixrosehere · 16/01/2019 16:06

Even though the BIL has a point, the way he went about it sounds harsh. I don’t see what the harm would have been if you went with the youngest to the play as well. He’s not footing the bill and you likely wouldn’t be sitting together anyway depending on when he got the tickets. He can’t stop you from taking your youngest and going to the play with him. You could also take your youngest somewhere of his choice instead.

Gazelda · 16/01/2019 16:07

I can see both sides of this to be honest.
As an uncle, all his nephews should be treated equally.
But as a godfather, then his god child should be his focus.
If the trip were to church (to fulfil his obligation to nurture the child's spiritual wellbeing) would it be different?

ForeignnessAlert · 16/01/2019 16:08

YABU, it's totally normal for godparents to treat the child they are godparent of and not the other child. Your children are not one unit, they don't come as a pair and you need to teach them this.

JellyBears · 16/01/2019 16:10

She’s taking her and his godchildren, I think its nice, sounds like she’s making an effort to include your BIL family. Growing up sometimes my brother did things I wasn’t included in and vise Versa.