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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Siblings’ different treatment

81 replies

SweetSouberry · 16/01/2019 15:15

Long term Lurker First Time Poster. Everyone in real life agrees with me but they would wouldn’t they?
Brother-in-Law is firstborn’s Godfather because we caved to MiL. He has never shown any interest in either of the kids MiL gets presents for them from him and no reference is ever made to being Godfather.
So he is now engaged to a woman who seems genuinely lovely on the odd time we’ve seen her.
So an invitation arrives for my eldest and not his sibling from her inviting him to a West End show. She takes her Godchildren to a show every January and this year has asked BiL’s Godchildren as well.
I was stunned that one nephew was invited and not the other. My youngest is really upset. I texted asking if I could come as well with youngest (I would pay). BiL says it’s just Godchildren and not siblings,
There is complete logic in this so why am I so upset to the point that I cried today in front of mothers on school run like a drama queen?

OP posts:

blueskiesandforests · 16/01/2019 16:13

That's one of multiple reasons why it's weird and problematic to have a close blood relative as godparent. Godparents are supposed to have a special relationship with godchildren but uncles are supposed to treat nephews as equally important. There's an inherent contradiction.

Your children aren't a unit but shouldn't get unequal treatment - only solution is for younger son to get a similar outing around the same time which his brother doesn't go on.

Alsonification · 16/01/2019 16:14

“YABU, it's totally normal for godparents to treat the child they are godparent of and not the other child. Your children are not one unit, they don't come as a pair and you need to teach them this.”

I agree with this. This is like those parents that think because one child is invited to a party then the other should go too.

Your children are separate people that are sometimes invited to separate things. That’s life. Spend some one on one time with your other child for the time the other is away.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/01/2019 16:15

Personally I would tell them to take a hike. Treat the kids the same or sling your hook as far as I am concerned!

Spunkymonkey2019 · 16/01/2019 16:16

Not great but, the girlfriend is including your son which I think is thoughtful of her. Maybe this will encourage your DBIL to step up to his godparent duties. I think it’s not nice for your other son, but he has to u derstamd that it’s not his godfather. I assume he has godparents as well who do things and buy things for him that his brother doesn’t get?

pfwow · 16/01/2019 16:16

That only makes sense if the godparent is not family! Otherwise it's just mean. I'd say thanks but no thanks.

Kikipost · 16/01/2019 16:24

Not ideal but bearing in mind extortionate cost of west end tickets these days, I wouldn’t sweat it.

Instead I’d say to my youngest - ok, you + me = doing something fabulous that day.

Bluetrews25 · 16/01/2019 16:24

This girlfriend will probably be a keeper, as she has taken on the life management that BIL's Mum is doing for the lazy lump.
She will be sorting out birthday and Xmas cards and presents for all his family, then in the future she will be on MN wondering why she does all of the wifework....

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 16/01/2019 16:26

Firstly, godparents aren't meant to be family members.

Secondly, my DDs godfather and his boyfriend take their godchildren out for the day every christmas. They never take the siblings even when they know them well. It's a day to spend with their godchildren together..

PositivelyPERF · 16/01/2019 16:26

That only makes sense if the godparent is not family! Otherwise it's just mean. I'd say thanks but no thanks

You’d really turn down your oldest having the opportunity to have some lovely quality time with his Godfather, just to prove a point? Poor kid.

Kikipost · 16/01/2019 16:26

How old btw?

Kikipost · 16/01/2019 16:28

She’s not married to him and no children.
She’s doing this entirely of her own accord
So many of us do this entirely of our own accord
But flounder around to blame MILS and / or the patriarchy!

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2019 16:32

Just take the opportunity to do something nice with the youngest that he would enjoy

siblings not only can but should do things separately

CloserIAm2Fine · 16/01/2019 16:35

But your other child will have their own godparents surely? Would you insist on them treating both DC the same even though only one is their godchild?

BlackandGold · 16/01/2019 16:38

Stop thinking of it as an Uncle/nephew thing and start thinking of it as a Godfather/godson thing.
Maybe there will be a time when your other son is invited out alone by his Godparents. It seems a lovely thing to do.

ExFury · 16/01/2019 16:41

That’s what happens when kids have different godparents surely? He’s taking his godson out. Your other child will have things with their godparent. I don’t see the issue with that at all.

LilyOf2 · 16/01/2019 16:41

@sweetsouberry does she have a "nieces and nephews day" as well OP?

I know its hurtful but I see no issue. Its a godchild day. You chose him to be godfather. Its not their fault your other childs godparents dont do this. Just like im sure they do things your BIL doesnt. Its very nice your child will get such a fantastic experience and bond with his godparent. Why not take your other child out for the day and have special time just the two of you?

cstaff · 16/01/2019 16:41

I have always given my godchildren a little extra whether it is for their birthdays or Christmas just so they know that they are a little bit more special. I have also taken them both into town shopping around their birthdays (where they usually do alot better than if I just handed them cash).

That's the advantage of having me as your godmother - not sure if my siblings do the same. Both of my godchildren are also my nieces who have brothers and sisters. I presume they understand why my godchildren get a little extra. I would hate it if they didn't tbh.

Lifeisdinky · 16/01/2019 16:42

I don't have any God Parents but my sister does. My sisters GM used to send us both the type same gift at Christmas when we were growing up , but when a few years back my sisters GM passed away my sister was left a small(ish) legacy - never told exactly how much but I suspect £2000 - £3000.
I wasn't left anything but never occurred to me I should have been or expected my sister to share in some way.
I do give presents of equal value to my GD and her brother and have left them both the same small legacy in my will .
So OP yes awkward but their choice and you saying it isn't fair / right won't I suspect make any difference

Cherries101 · 16/01/2019 16:44

This isn’t a family outing, it’s a godchildren outing. You need to stop taking this personally. Sit down with your younger DS and explain to him what having a godparent means.

LilyOf2 · 16/01/2019 16:45

just to add as well, the posters suggesting "take him anyway and sit away from them", please dont do that. Its embarrassing for you and also it would be so sad if he can see his sibling having fun with other children and he cant join in. May also spoil the day for the godchild going and make them feel guilty for having a relationship with their godfather. Maybe a different activity :)

Bloominglovely · 16/01/2019 16:47

I can see it from both sides. Your BIL's partner may have godchildren with numerous siblings and she just can't afford to take them all out.

When there are only two children in the family, differentiating between them becomes more obvious and harder on the sibling left behind.

You can either allow him go/offer to go too or decline the invitation. But the children don't necessarily have to come in a package, they are separate people and it can be lovely for them to be treated as such.

Sausi · 16/01/2019 16:49

I couldn’t do this OP, and I don’t know anyone in real life who would actually do it either. It seems mean to me. Just my twopence worth.

treenu · 16/01/2019 16:50

Doesn't sound very Christian to me.

Surely they are supposed to be teaching Christian values?

I don't have Godparents but I would have thought that this was part of their role?

FinallyHere · 16/01/2019 16:51

I’d say to my youngest - ok, you + me = doing something fabulous that day.

this ^.

Cherries101 · 16/01/2019 16:52

@treenu — It’s very Christian unfortunately. In the old days had the parents died, god parents would only take the child they were gp to. It was considered a serious undertaking.

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