Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Siblings’ different treatment

81 replies

SweetSouberry · 16/01/2019 15:15

Long term Lurker First Time Poster. Everyone in real life agrees with me but they would wouldn’t they?
Brother-in-Law is firstborn’s Godfather because we caved to MiL. He has never shown any interest in either of the kids MiL gets presents for them from him and no reference is ever made to being Godfather.
So he is now engaged to a woman who seems genuinely lovely on the odd time we’ve seen her.
So an invitation arrives for my eldest and not his sibling from her inviting him to a West End show. She takes her Godchildren to a show every January and this year has asked BiL’s Godchildren as well.
I was stunned that one nephew was invited and not the other. My youngest is really upset. I texted asking if I could come as well with youngest (I would pay). BiL says it’s just Godchildren and not siblings,
There is complete logic in this so why am I so upset to the point that I cried today in front of mothers on school run like a drama queen?

OP posts:

cstaff · 16/01/2019 16:56

So if you had 10 kids would this also apply. That is crazy. They don't come as a package. Let your child enjoy his big day out with his godfather. You are making a bigger deal of this they it ought to be.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 16/01/2019 17:00

I think it is a good chance to teach your youngest that he won’t always be able to do / attend everything his brother does. There will be times in the future when the shoe is on the other foot and he gets to do things his older brother isn't invited to.

joanmcc · 16/01/2019 17:02

so why am I so upset to the point that I cried today in front of mothers on school run like a drama queen?

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/01/2019 17:03

Just go with your younger DC to the same showing if that's what you want to do, but make sure that you sit in a different part of the theatre.

Does your younger DC have active godparents? It's probably just as well to get your DCs used to not having everything exactly the same, because that'll happen anyway as they grow up and it'll be easier to deal with the big differences as they approach adulthood if they've got used to relatively minor differences as children.

Bloominglovely · 16/01/2019 17:03

I'm not sure of the children's ages but this is a lesson that will be learned when one and not the other is invited to birthday parties too. Think of it as a life lesson we all had to learn. Even if they are twins, you are not doing them any favours by insisting they are treated equally all the time.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 16/01/2019 17:13

Just go with your younger DC to the same showing if that's what you want to do, but make sure that you sit in a different part of the theatre.

Please don't do this. Your youngest is not invited so taking him anyway even if you sit apart from his brother is just rude. By all means its a great idea to do something special together but taking him to the show would be unfair on both children.

Your eldest will be left feeling he isn't special and his feelings don't matter. It gives the view that his brother is more important because he cannot be expected to miss out.

It would also be unfair on your youngest as he wont be enjoying it with the other children so may feel left out. He might also begin to think if he cries and moans he gets to do things he previously wasn't allowed to do. Not a good result for either child.

5foot5 · 16/01/2019 17:19

Sounds fine to me.

Plan another outing with your other child on that day so he has something to look forward to.

cstaff · 16/01/2019 17:21

Just go with your younger DC to the same showing if that's what you want to do, but make sure that you sit in a different part of the theatre

I second not doing this. Do anything else with your youngest. Go to the cinema, the park, the zoo - anywhere he would like but please do not do that.

Chloemol · 16/01/2019 17:28

I am godmother to two out of three siblings. I treat them all the same. I think if it was something simple, eg local meal or something I would let it go, but this is something that’s unlikely to happen for your second d child and I can see why it would be upsetting. I would suggest you book tickets to the same event but sit away. You can travel up with your two and meet there

BartonHollow · 16/01/2019 17:31

It does look a bit like the bloke can't win here.

Earlier in the post you slated him said you never really wanted him as a godfather for DS1 and he's never made an effort

And then when encouraged to make an effort by his girlfriend you go all pearlclutch

BUT WHAT ABOUT DS2?!?

Who is not his godchild and therefore doesn't get invited on the godchildren's day out, and that's for you to console and expectation manage your DS's jealousy and nothing at all to do with your BIL.

Vedette89 · 16/01/2019 17:31

I'm not christened and not going to christen my child and this is just one of the things I find problematic about it ! Especially so when the godparents are family.

It's tough because you don't want to deprive your eldest. I think planning something equally as good with youngest on the same day is your best bet.

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2019 17:31

I think you do need to ask yourself why and why everyone is real life is agreeing with you when on the face of it not many here do

They have done nothing wrong - take the opportunity to treat your younger one

BartonHollow · 16/01/2019 17:33

Oh and to add, if you give one nephew a special additional title but not the other you have to concede they will be treated differently though they are siblings.

Original poster

SweetSouberry · 16/01/2019 17:33

Thank you. My children are 10 and 8. I totally regret asking him to be Godfather.
Nice enough bloke ‘roughhouses’ with them when he sees them.
I am disappointed with 10 year old who is rubbing brother’s face in it.
Never treated as second best . I love my MiL.
When I collected them tonight one of the mothers who had seen me embarrass myself this morning very gently did change her tune and say I was wrong.
Very good friends are Godparents to DS2 but treat both boys the same... and no I don’t insist they are both invited to parties.
I know I am irrational about this.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 16/01/2019 17:39

I am disappointed with 10 year old who is rubbing brother’s face in it.

Well, that is definitely not okay and you need to put a stop to this.

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2019 17:46

I wonder if you are irrational about it because you never wanted to him to be godfather and now it is something that has caused him to tease his younger brother it brings it to the fore.

Just take the 8 year old out somewhere - problem solved. Your reaction I suspect is partly driving the 10 year olds. Cut it off now

GnomeDePlume · 16/01/2019 17:47

I am disappointed with 10 year old who is rubbing brother’s face in it.

This is the real problem.

As DCs get older there will be more and more things that one does and not the other. The suggestion to arrange to do something with other DC was a good one.

Confusedbeetle · 16/01/2019 17:51

Say No. A godparent is only supposed to oversee the childs spiritual and christian wellbeing. Nothing more nothing less. Not provide treats or presents, I would tell this lady thanks but thats not how you see a Godparents role

magoria · 16/01/2019 17:51

I think you should say no.

Your BIL has shown zero interest. It is the GF who is running this and she is not your DS's godparent.

There is no need for her to invite DC1 and treat them as if she is a godparent.

Confusedbeetle · 16/01/2019 17:56

Anyone missed the word GOD in here. This is why I didn't christen mine and have declined invitations to be a Godmother because I am not a Christian, It also isn't about being a substitute parent if the parent dies

Quartz2208 · 16/01/2019 17:57

So she says no and the 10 year old realises that if his younger brother isnt invited he doesnt get to do anything and go on a treat

The time to say no would have been before the children knew. Now they do exactly how can she do that without causing more resentment

Confusedbeetle · 16/01/2019 18:04

Parents and godparents, the Church receives these children with joy.
Today we are trusting God for their growth in faith.
Will you pray for them,
draw them by your example into the community of faith
and walk with them in the way of Christ?
With the help of God, we will.
In baptism these children begin their journey in faith.
You speak for them today.
Will you care for them,
and help them to take their place
within the life and worship of Christ’s Church?
With the help of God, we will.
Also a load of stuff about belief.
etc etc, Nothing about presents outings or wills or guardians

Disfordarkchocolate · 16/01/2019 18:05

I think it's a good opportunity for your son to build the sort of relationship with his godfather that you want them to have. It's a good for both of your son's not to be treated as a 'package', but as the separate individuals they are (and that you don't always get what you want without it being unfair not to be included).

BusyMum47 · 16/01/2019 18:07

Why would you even tell your sons & upset the one not invited? I'd say absolutely no to this odd woman - it's just mean & kind of weird!!

Lovewineandchocs · 16/01/2019 18:07

my youngest is really upset
That will be why you are upset and cried then, you hate seeing your child upset. Perfectly understandable and no need for anyone to be nasty about you crying. Not good, especially since the 10 year old is rubbing his face in it. I’d put a stop to that behaviour and also, like pp have said, organise something fabulous for your younger DS that day. We also have family as godparents but they treat all DC the same.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread