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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that some people just cannot work full time or even at all?

349 replies

thebeesknees123 · 16/01/2019 11:52

This does seem to be an age old discussion among parents, particularly among women with young children.

I can think of various reasons why people can't work:

Just had a baby and breastfeeding
Mental or physical health conditions
Caring responsibilities - e.g. elderly relative
The money does not cover childcare/commute expenses

Personally, I do work (30 hours per week) but I am lucky in that it is shifts around the school so I don't have childcare costs. I would never slate someone who couldn't find something suitable for their needs or pressure them to take something that is going to cause them undue stress because they are put in a position where they are forced to be unreliable, which, frankly, I would be if I were forced to work 9 to 5.

OP posts:
marieneedsaholiday · 18/01/2019 10:02

Also my partner doesn't work, he's disabled (ex military) and has PTSD so we rely on his pension, disability benefits as well as my part-time wage which is half decent. We are able to afford a mortgage on this and tend to do some fun days out / mini breaks throughout the year which I review for my blog.

DontdoitDoris · 18/01/2019 10:28

Those who use the term wage slave ,can I ask a question?
How do you buy food,pay bills and keep a roof over your head?
How do you pay into a pension?
If you have independent means,then lucky you .
Most of us dont .
It comes up on every thread,lovely to be creative and a thinker (snorted at that)and sneer at wage slaves if you can find a partner to be just that !

wildchild554 · 18/01/2019 10:30

I'm in the group cannot work a normal day job due to being a single parent with oa and young children, I wouldn't hold down a job for long due to needing a lot of time off and being unreliable, I would be going in debt by £10 a week when they are at school and a lot more if I had to pay for childcare for holiday periods. I'm lucky that I have now found a way to work from home so we can live a more comfortable without worrying if I can cover the next bill or if I can pay the rent. Alot of work and is hard but at least can get by.

brookshelley · 18/01/2019 10:33

I love being home for my kids and working part time, I’m quite happy for my husband to pursue a career he loves which provides for us.

And if he didn’t love it, would you go to work and leave him at home?

Do all the women here who let their partners financially support them have men who love their careers as well?

How convenient.

NopSlide · 18/01/2019 10:38

Do all the women here who let their partners financially support them have men who love their careers as well?

He doesn't mind his career although he gripes about his company policies a lot. I have offered him to be a SAHD and me go out to work several times but he doesn't want to take the hit to our finances it would involve.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 10:38

Do all the women here who let their partners financially support them have men who love their careers as well?
. Nope. DH puts up with it whilst he looks for something better, and I had the higher wage before quitting. But life isn't always black and white

ChipmunksInAttic · 18/01/2019 10:52

i just had my second baby and on mat leave now, and I don’t really want to go back to work. My workplace is 30miles away, and same for my husband. I can’t see how it will be possible to leave our baby to the nursery and then leave our 5 year old to the school and be at work on time, and similarly I need to be superman to leave the office at 5:30 and pick my son from school at 5:45. I will need to pick the baby as well, make it home, feed them and put them to the sleep right away without being able to spend any quality time with them. My baby will be so young when he starts nursery that he won’t even be able to speak our mother language and will only speak English. My salary would only cover childcare costs+commute, so it’s utterly pointless to go back to work full time. I would love to find a part time job near home, but I studied engineering and just don’t want to do any other random job just for the sake of working, that wouldn’t add anythin to me. On the other hand, if I give up and quit, I know it won’t be easy to land another suitable job after 2-3 years because the technology is changing super fast and my carreer is full of gaps because of having children, moving countries etc. I do pity myself most of the time and don’t know what to do really. I need to spend some of my maternity leave to learn new skills and then hope to find a related part time job closer to my home before the time comes.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 11:02

Chips why can't you and DH move closer to your work, thats a crazy commute to do twice daily. Or could he drop down to PT?

TeaQueen75 · 18/01/2019 11:20

Mmm it's definitely not as black and white as 'letting partners financially support them'. Every single family is different. I think it is important to teach our children not to rely on someone else, but also I see our family as a unit. At the moment while our children are young, my husband supports us with his wage. It is hard, we struggle, but I believe in one of us being there for the children and due to earnings level, I was the better choice for that. When I return to work, our family money pot will increase and we will be able to stress a little less. But we are a unit. It's not my money or his money, it's our money. My husband does feel the pressure of his wage paying for everything, but he certainly doesn't fund a 'lifestyle'. We both spend very little on ourselves and any extra we share, just like we will do when we have 2 incomes again.

Louelly · 18/01/2019 11:28

**Do all the women here who let their partners financially support them have men who love their careers as well?

If he didn’t love his job then it would be different. I’d support him and go back to work full time if needs be. But it is what it is and as it stands is convenient for our family!

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 11:28

People also forget tbat in many cases, the men to whom us pathetic women are reliant on are reliant on us too. Good look DH is finding wrap around child are from minimum 8-6 for five days a week with 121 care who will also come in and cook t nights a week.

Thankfully WE are a unit and rely on each other and therefore I provide that and he provides money

ChipmunksInAttic · 18/01/2019 11:46

SleepingStandingUp we changed countries when he transferred here, and found a house 5 mins away from his workplace. Then I stayed home for a year as my youngest was 2, and finally got a job with an hour commute. Just recently his company decided to move, towards to the other side which is again an hour commute. so one of us travels south and the other travels north. he earns my double wage, and in a management role with no part time option, plus we came here with his company’s sponsorship so he can’t change job anyways. I am the one who needs to find a new job, or make a decision to quit or reeducate myself for something else...

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 11:59

If he's likely to stay there I'd def consider moving whilst the kids are young but it must be hard to know what's for the best if the location isnt stable

TeaQueen75 · 18/01/2019 12:04

Yes exactly SleepingStandingUp. A unit where both contribute something of equal importance!

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 18/01/2019 12:08

Thank you, Sleeping. He is not supporting us but our children. If it were just us, we'd all be out earning an equal salary and splitting household chores 50/50. I mean, what did we all do before? Nobody suddenly decided they didn't fancy working for no reason.

I personally want to work more hours for a job that makes better use of my skillset. I am also out of date and need to retrain which requires money and time.

But everything is based on a rigid structure of 9 to 5.

However, while depressing, I am also finding this thread inspirational.

I just wish we women (and men too) would support one another more. Those of you who do manage to keep careers in a traditional working day, good for you but stsnd up and admit it's stressful sometimes and that, for those with even more complex needs would find it difficult.

No more posts saying I work with one leg and one arm and I'm fine so so should you be

OP posts:
Xenia · 18/01/2019 12:53

I dn't agree with the first post that you cannot work and breastfeed. I was back after 2 weeks off, working full time and expressing milk (or with the twins having them brought to me to feed). The two are not mutually exclusive.

Original poster
thebeesknees123 · 18/01/2019 12:55

I bet that was very difficult for you. It would have been for me.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 14:06

Xenia
I think that very much depends on your job. If you're back shelf stacking at two weeks old and your Mum is looking after them, she's not going to be bringing twins in e wry time they want a feed in aisle 7. Or into a mainstream school or onto a hospital ward.
And when most people say EBF they tend to mean straight from source not expressing.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 14:08

And a tall, whilst you won't appreciate it, I feel really sad for you that within two weeks of having your children, Inc the twins, you were away from them for over 40 hours a week. That isn't a lifestyle I can imagine many people aspiring to

Xenia · 18/01/2019 14:37

Similarly those of us who work full time can feel "very sad" for stay at home mothers too. Each to their own. The babies don't remember. They were happy and loved. I earned in the end huge sums and they graduate without student loans, having been to good private schools and will have substantial help with their housing whilst I have had a wonderful career too. Children mostly want happy parents.

dimsum123 · 18/01/2019 14:46

xenia, your dcs had no choice about their circumstances growing up, and wouldn't have known any different so on the surface they may have been happy with it.

But have you ever asked them what they would have preferred when growing up? Parents who were physically around more for them but with less material wealth?

Once they start their own families will they follow in your footsteps and go back to work after 2 weeks of having a baby?

Imo these are all interesting questions to consider.

RomanyRoots · 18/01/2019 15:13

My dc preferred to have both parents happy together rather than being raised by nannies.
Babies don't remember but children aren't stupid and soon work out for themselves why both parents were working.
Was it because both preferred working to being a ft parent, Did they need all that money spending on them or would they have preferred parents working pt and more time with them? Was every penny needed to put a roof over their head and buy food. did they both work to provide luxuries etc. Your kids work this out for themselves and make their own judgement.
As long as everything you did was for their good and not your own selfish reasons, then it's fine, they'll understand.

RomanyRoots · 18/01/2019 15:15

Posted too soon.
So many parents get divorced because they want their own careers and don't have time for each other.
I see more and more in this category, it's such a shame for the kids.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/01/2019 15:27

Similarly those of us who work full time can feel "very sad" for stay at home mothers too
There's a huge difference between working full time and basically having the mandatory 2 weeks off then seeing them for an hour a day. Although I suspose that's what Dad's do in most homes. If I remember correctly you had a trialing spouse so assuming he was the full time sahp then it really isn't different to many families.

SushiMonster · 18/01/2019 15:30

So many parents get divorced because they want their own careers and don't have time for each other.

LOL

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