AIBU to say that some people just cannot work full time or even at all?

[thebeesknees123]

This does seem to be an age old discussion among parents, particularly among women with young children.

I can think of various reasons why people can't work:

Just had a baby and breastfeeding
Mental or physical health conditions
Caring responsibilities - e.g. elderly relative
The money does not cover childcare/commute expenses

Personally, I do work (30 hours per week) but I am lucky in that it is shifts around the school so I don't have childcare costs. I would never slate someone who couldn't find something suitable for their needs or pressure them to take something that is going to cause them undue stress because they are put in a position where they are forced to be unreliable, which, frankly, I would be if I were forced to work 9 to 5.

I can’t fathom how any healthy adult would choose not to work

I can. If the only jobs available to you are a miserable boring grind where you are paid the absolute minimum and barely treated as human, then I totally understand how any alternative would be preferable. Long term unemployed people are more likely to be those who’d have to work in a crisp factory, not those who’d be able to work as a solicitor or GP, for example.

To work or not to work.. it really should be a personal choice so long as you can still live within your means. Some people would love to work but can't because of caring responsibilities or health issues, some HAVE to work to be able to feed their children.. it's not really an easy topic to debate. No one should be judged for their decisions however. I didn't work for 2.5 years after I had my daughter because the career I had built for myself was not possible to return to because child care options are not flexible enough, plus the work doesn't lend itself to part time, or should I say the industry doesn't like it, so I'm now a.student working towards a new career that will.give me a better work life balance. But I can only do it because the course is funded and my husband's job just about covers us. when I finish I do hope to find part time work so.I can spend more time with my children as well as.having a job I feel passionate about. But that's my choice and.I feel lucky to have a choice. Not everyone does. I do often wonder where people are working to be able to.leave at 3pm to pick up their children however.. seems.like the dream?!

I work FT but different hours every day so that I'm not paying for wraparound every afternoon, but I do have to pay for breakfast club because I start work early to compensate

I can’t work at the moment and it’s driving me crazy.
I have fibromyalgia and an auto immune diesease which was well managed until my OH’s accident in September.
My OH is now in a wheelchair full time instead of part time.
We are awaiting aids for the house and a mobility car so he is dependant on me for everything until they arrive.
Between looking after a 9 year old and the house and my OH my Fibro has gone crazy and I’m exhausted all the time.
I was trying to complete a top up degree which was only 10 hours a week and I had disabled student support but it doesn’t look like I’m going to be able to return for Semester 2 given my current state.

Yanbu OP. Why should everyone work FT?? I work PT 2 days a week and have done since after mat leave with my first child who is 11. I had a good job FT that I enjoyed before DC but wasn't prepared to go back FT so I got a PT position in the organisation. Work is dead end (no prospects for advancement especially if you're PT) however I have reasonably good pay and benefits. I have no intention of ever increasing my hours there. Why would I? I won't get promoted, we don't need the money, DH works FT in a good job. I'm not career-minded and enjoy time to myself now both DC are at school. I'm not claiming any benefits (apart from child benefit) so it's my choice to work PT and no one else's business! I find the Mumsnet devotion to work baffling!

Such a loaded topic, and no correct answer. Since having kids I have worked FT, worked PT and currently don’t work at all after being made redundant. I want to be around for the kids, and don’t want to be out of the house and have them in school+wraparound childcare for 11hrs a day (which it would be doing bare minimum hrs plus a commute). PT roles in my field are non existent. I’ve gone back to uni to do a postgrad to go some way to feeling like I’m not just DC’s mum, I also volunteer, and hope one day to be able to find something flexible. But if I’m honest, I’m not looking hard at the moment. DH earns a decent wage and we’re coping on one salary. Deep down, am I lazy?! Is there something inherently workshy about me?
It’s not a competition, women who want to work over stay at home w kids don’t love their kids any less, they’re just lucky to have found a set up that makes that work for them?

And i cant fathom how some of the hypocrites on this site who moan about people claiming benefits are happy for the childcare workers who care for their children to claim tax credits to keep childcare costs down.

inews.co.uk/news/childcare-jobs-underpaid-education-epi-report/

Reduce living costs, have a portfolio of smaller jobs that you can do from home and look after the children full time so no childcare costs = not having to go to work for someone else and it is a lot less stressful.

I quit my job 3 years ago to say at home with my kids. I went back part time following maternity but life was so stressful with pick ups and drop offs and tears in the morning/evening. My husbands job is very demanding so I did all the running around. We sat down and figured that it just wasn’t worth it what with the stress and little money we had leftover after childcare. We’ve had to be very frugal for the last couple of years but I don’t regret it for a minute. They’re only small for a little while and I’ll probably be working until my mid seventies anyhow so have plenty of time to get back into full time work eventually. I’m currently looking to fit a part time job to fit around school and of course career wise I’ve been stunted for a while but that’s the price you pay and personally would prefer that than missing out on time with my kids.

Why are there so many husbands with demanding jobs?

Maybe it's better to have balance - dad take a less demanding job or one that doesn't require so much travel, and mum work as well?

It seems really strange to me that there are so many couples where the husband's job is so essential and the wife's is not.

And to add - maybe it's better for the children to see their fathers once in awhile. Because the way it sounds there are a lot of fathers constantly working to support the family and I'm not convinced children benefit from that structure. It certainly ingrains a lot of gender norms that I wouldn't want to pass on to the next generation.

if your husband earns a very good wage, why work at all? I think that's the question that makes up most of this thread. Why would you choose to work if you didn't have to.

Because fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. Because wives usually outlive their husbands. Because you may suddenly be pushed into the work force with no contacts and no current skills. With a large gap in your work history, employers may discard your CV with hardly a glance.

My dad told me when I was a teenager, “Never rely on anyone else to support you financially. Not your mother and me, not some man, and certainly not the government.” My siblings and I have never run to our parents because we had money issues. We’ve always been able to earn our own and pay our own ways.

Some very sound advice from my dad.

OutOntheTilez

A good phrase I heard once - "A man is not a financial plan."

This discussion will always be annoying on here as a lot can afford not to work and don't need benefits to do so and then theirs others like myself who would struggle and frankly go mad at home with a baby so sacrifice time with their partner and family to work 13 hours days and it honestly doesn't bother me.

@OutOntheTilez

Sounds like my nana and dad. I couldn't agree more with you.

if your husband earns a very good wage, why work at all? I think that's the question that makes up most of this thread. Why would you choose to work if you didn't have to.

if your wife earns a very good wage, why work at all? I think that's the question that makes up most of this thread. Why would you choose to work if you didn't have to.

Until my statement is just as relevant as yours, then that's why we chose to work 'at all'. Because we can, because we want to - and much more likely - because we have to.

Just like men.

*16/01/2019 12:14 user139328237
if your family can afford that choice the state should not be expected to fund it in the same way as they should fund the genuinely unable to work.

Well obviously it's unreasonable
If we're talking about state funding but that's not really what thread is about.

I worked for 20 years whilst I had my 4 DC - gave up when youngest was 6 - I LOVE not working and can't see me going back.
(No state funding)
I am really busy and doing lots of coffees and shopping and catching up with friends, learning both Spanish and improving piano - love love love it.

I was a SAHM for 15 years (not through choice but circumstance). I despaired of ever getting back into work having been so long out of the workforce. I've now found a job that suits me, 10-2, local and am really enjoying it. But it has been entirely my choice to go to work, nobody was forcing me including DH, and I definitely could not cope with working full time with 2DCs plus household chores.

However I 100% agree with SGB about how we are conditioned to think we should be good little workers for our own benefit whereas in reality we are slaves to the big global corporates who pay the lowest wage they can get away with, whilst funneling all their, tax avoided, profits into offshore bank accounts, leaving the rest of the wage slaves to pick up the bill for public services which the corporates benefit from but do not contribute to.

I honestly think it's time for another workers revolution, a la Russia 1917, but I think we have been too cleverly brainwashed and so ground down that we are all too exhausted to start a revolution. And on top of that we have bloody Brexit looming which if it happens will mean even the few workers rights we do have now will be stripped away.

What an utter mess.

I’m in two camps here. Money does not cover childcare. And a carer for one of my children who does not attend school. I’m furthering my education at home though.

Not only that brookshelley but the amount of DH's on a high salary is making this single mum (envy not sick) !

• Well some people are too ill / their disability too severe to work
• Other people prioritise their caring responsibilities / choices / have no option it to be a carer
• Some can't find a way to afford to work

Others make the life style choice not to work

Of this latter group some are financially independent, some are supported financially within a relationship and some are on benefits.

I think the only ones in there obliged to work are the ones who could, don't want to and thus rely on benefits.

So many women on here happy for their DH to work crazy hours to fund their lifestyle choices just seems really unfair IMO.

@user1490465531
My husband works 37.5hrs a week. Of course I’d prefer him to work less but he has the same problems as me on that front. Higher paid jobs that are intellectually stimulating and fulfilling are much harder to find in part time packages. If they were we could viably and would happily both work part time. But that’s not the current state of play and as such division of labour is the next best option.

Nopslide I agree. My husband works 45 hours plus and of course we’d love to both work part time and have equal time with the children but the work market rarely allows for that.
I get tired of the view that women who stay at home or work part time to look after the children are downtrodden or unfulfilled. I understand some women do not have a choice and yes it is predominantly women who sacrifice their career but not everyone wants a career!! I love being home for my kids and working part time, I’m quite happy for my husband to pursue a career he loves which provides for us. I may not be financially independent for now but we’re a unit, I can’t live my life by what ifs.

I work 30 hours a week. I have a 3 and 6 year old and don't think I could manage working anymore than I do right now, and frankly I don't want to. I love leaving at 3 and being there to collect from school, do homework and cook proper meals. I would love to have a full time wage and a job that progresses further, but whilst the kids are little it just isn't doable. I also have BPD and anxiety, which makes working a huge struggle at times, but I work hard on myself to stay well and to keep on working, as I know for the long run it is better for my mental health then not working.