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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to say that some people just cannot work full time or even at all?

349 replies

thebeesknees123 · 16/01/2019 11:52

This does seem to be an age old discussion among parents, particularly among women with young children.

I can think of various reasons why people can't work:

Just had a baby and breastfeeding
Mental or physical health conditions
Caring responsibilities - e.g. elderly relative
The money does not cover childcare/commute expenses

Personally, I do work (30 hours per week) but I am lucky in that it is shifts around the school so I don't have childcare costs. I would never slate someone who couldn't find something suitable for their needs or pressure them to take something that is going to cause them undue stress because they are put in a position where they are forced to be unreliable, which, frankly, I would be if I were forced to work 9 to 5.

OP posts:
Jessie94 · 17/01/2019 17:34

Breastfeeding doesn't stop you from working so that's a non point

I went back to work at 4 months and breastfed until 2.5 years.

But I also then took some time out to recover from a relationship breakdown and then wasn't able to work because I was granted legal aid for £20k of court costs.

If I worked over 3 hours a week then I wouldn't be eligible for the legal aid and I didn't have the finances to pay 20k of fees.

Not being able to drive or transportation issues can prevent someone from working too. Or at least a forced career change

user1496701154 · 17/01/2019 17:40

I'm a sahm at the moment as I got made redundant when pregnant and couldn't afford child care and rent if I worked without the free child care as it's so much. Plus I have mental health and so does other half we manage and I want to work but need certain hours to accommodate child

emzw12 · 17/01/2019 17:46

I worked full time while breast feeding - had flexible working.

littlestlily · 17/01/2019 17:49

Ollivander84 you can absolutely claim PIP, it’s not for people out of work, it’s for people like you who have additional expenses due to their condition xx

FrenchyQ · 17/01/2019 17:51

I work 30 hours a week (9-3) not sure if that classes as p/t or f/t. I chose to reduce my hours to this as my husband travels a fair bit and it wasnt fair on my kids or dogs that i was out of the house all day. I'm lucky that my husband earns a very good wage so i had the choice to do this.

Random18 · 17/01/2019 18:02

I work for my mental health!!!
As much as I love them I could not be a sham.
I only work part time and that suits me.
I am lucky - I am reasonably well paid and had no issues changing hours in my job.

SkinnyPete · 17/01/2019 18:07

@FrenchyQ if your husband earns a very good wage, why work at all? I think that's the question that makes up most of this thread. Why would you choose to work if you didn't have to.

treaclesoda · 17/01/2019 18:09

I think the thing is that there are so so many variables that go beyond the salary earned versus childcare calculation.

There are commuting and quality of life issues too. If you have after school clubs etc, where children get to do interesting activities etc then parents can both work full time without it being detrimental to their children. Because their children are still getting to do hobbies, sport etc.

But on the other hand, you might have a long commute, and the only childcare available is a childminder. That's fine, in that there are great childminders out there but childminders can't take your child to their swimming lesson, or their drama class, because they have other children to look after.

The two scenarios are just poles apart.

MissingGeorgeMichael · 17/01/2019 18:13

if your husband earns a very good wage, why work at all? I think that's the question that makes up most of this thread. Why would you choose to work if you didn't have to.

Because you might not always be married to the same man. Things change.

If you divorce you might be headed to the job market with no recent skills or experience to back you up to get a decent job.

EngagedAgain · 17/01/2019 18:18

I think you're right. For various reasons some people cannot work. It doesn't mean they are lazy. It's just the way things can turn out and how things go wrong.

FrenchyQ · 17/01/2019 18:34

skinnypete I choose to work for my own sanity and i actually like my job

Kelp23 · 17/01/2019 18:49

I'm very lucky. I gave up my project manager job when I had my daughter ( now 4 and in school full time) my husband has a well paid job and is required to work away during the week. I don't need to go back to work and so I'm not going to. I volunteer at my daughter's school and am able to go to parent/child events that's other parents can't always attend due to work commitments. She will be my only child so I'm going to make the most of being to do drop offs and pick ups every day while I'm fortunate enough to be able to.

CostanzaG · 17/01/2019 18:51

Skinnypete because some people actually enjoy their jobs. There is so much more to a career than money

toxic44 · 17/01/2019 18:59

faintlyridiculous My DP is in exactly this position. I have seen him made suicidal because of the pressures of even PTW. He would love to be well enough and able to earn money but I know the cost to him (and to me) when he has tried. The social pressure on men to 'have a job, a real job,' are enormous. I would rather have him no working and with me that trying yet again and in hospital or dead.

Bumblebee39 · 17/01/2019 19:12

Exactly @toxic44
There have been times I have not been able to work. I needed that time to get better. But people could not accept It and tried to hassle me so I ended up working unwell and getting worse.
I had to commit a period of time to my physical and mental health and not to working in order to recover. Thankfully during that time I stopped thinking my only worth was to work.
I am now on a completely different career path and not struggling so much thankfully, but only thanks to taking the time to actually get better.

I hope your DH finds something that helps him live a full and happy life, whether he ever gets paid a wage or not.

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 17/01/2019 19:24

.

SkinnyPete · 17/01/2019 19:24

@frenchyq @costanzag

Pleased to see those answers. If you was kinda meh about your jobs, or didn't really like them, what would you do then?

I think what I'm getting at is, do you feel obligated to add to the family coffers because you can, and it's a bonus that you like it (so no brainer)? Or is it just because you like your jobs?

Dorsetdays · 17/01/2019 19:45

I returned to work after maternity because;

  • I needed to be more than just “DC’s mum”, I enjoy the stimulation of other adults and the challenges that work brings (in a different way to the challenges of childcare)
  • I knew that I wasn’t going to be a sahm forever and I couldn’t imagine waiting until my DC were at secondary school and then trying to get back into the workplace after a gap of c12-14 years. My skills would have been totally out of date by then and I’d have had to start over again.
  • I want the independence working gives me, earning my own money and knowing I could manage if anything happened to my DH.
  • I want a decent pension of my own, again so I’m not dependent on someone else to top up any state pension I might receive.
  • I strongly felt that showing my DC I could achieve all of the above alongside being a good parent was a great example for them and has helped them to have a really strong work ethic.

I’ve enjoyed every job I’ve ever had partly because I can see all of the above positives and that gives me a lot of satisfaction. That’s not to say it’s always been easy or that, in the early days, I earnt more than the childcare, but I knew it would be worth it in the long run, which it totally is now my DC are in their late teens and about to embark on new lives at uni....I can’t imagine how empty my life would feel now if I had nothing else to do once the DC have flown the nest.

Lellikelly26 · 17/01/2019 19:53

I think generally society expects too much of women and it’s ridiculously exhausting trying to work full time and have a family. In my own experience most men don’t take full responsibility for the kids and house even if they do ‘help out’. For example my husband will help with school runs and the washing. But I’m the one who will organise the kids activities, holiday arrangements, the food, the home organisation like cooking etc, the kids homework and education, family birthdays etc . This is on top of working full time. It’s exhausting and in July when my contract ends I will go part time. My husband wants me too as well as fortunately he is from a family of mostly women and appreciates what I do

Noviceoftheweek · 17/01/2019 19:59

I can’t fathom how any healthy adult would choose not to work. In my own circle of acquaintances I can pick out several who are workshy to say the least. In one case the DH hasn’t worked for years but is more than happy for his wife to work all hours. Their DC is of school age so it’s not a case that he has to provide childcare. Utter laziness and a reluctance to share the load.

holasoydora · 17/01/2019 20:02

I have two primary school aged children. I tried full time work last term and went back to 3 days in January. I found it backbreaking. Other people who work full time must be more organised than me, or permanently shattered and struggling with everything else (like I was).

Even 3 days feels like too much at times. 2 days would be perfect if it paid enough!

Supermum29 · 17/01/2019 20:07

As a single mum I find no difficulty in working.... I find the difficulty in being society expecting women to raise children like they don’t work and to work like they don’t have children.

malificent7 · 17/01/2019 20:07

This is why women marry for money...to be supported.

holasoydora · 17/01/2019 20:10

I find the difficulty in being society expecting women to raise children like they don’t work and to work like they don’t have children.

This rings true for me too. For example, I would have loved it if my organisation, which doesn’t mind home-working, had a home-working policy for people with caring responsibilities, so we didn’t all feel so shit about doing it.

toxic44 · 17/01/2019 20:29

@bumblebee39 thank you for your good wishes. I'm pleased you've made such progress, it gives me hope for him. His mental health is so volatile and his depressions so severe. People don't understand what it means to fight every day just to keep on living. I hope with all my heart he will come to himself again.