To dread my wedding?

[sailorcherries]

We're approaching the final countdown, around 90 days or so to go, and I'm dreading it.

I wanted to go away and get married but never because of my grandmother. She won't see another grandchild get married, has done a lot for me, and wouldn't be able to fly.
I'm now stuck with a wedding I've never envisioned, in a venue I'm not too fond of, with a guest list I'm not keen on with no way out. Our honeymoon also won't be the kind I dreamed of as a child (I dreamed of the honeymoon, not the wedding) because we have kids.
My parents and DPs parents have kindly paid for our wedding and it is a budget wedding. We've have contributed some savings.
The venue is nice but, had I known I'd be married in this country, it would not be anywhere near my top 50. I have a top list of venues that I genuinely go weak kneed for, but at over £8,000 for hire only and no food/drink I'd mever, ever be able to afford them. My guest list is too much for my liking but again, it's done. Honeymoon won't be the far off places because of young kids.

I know we could have waited and saved more but with two kids I didn't want to spend silly amounts on one day, when it could go towards them. I also had enough for the wedding I dreamed of. DP and I compromised on a lot because we're people pleasers. This has massively impacted our day, much to my now dismay.

To top it off my sister's boyfriend has just messaged me about ring shopping and I am thrilled to go, she deserves this. However I know, knowing my sister, she will not have the same issues I do. I know it will be a big wedding, in the venue she wants (even if it cripples my parents and his) because she gets what she wants. I feel jealous and she's not even engaged. Not jealous of a big white wedding, but jealous of having what she wants. This bit I know is bloody pathetic.

I'm hoping this is just nerves. My day will be good, I'm marrying the man I love and that's that. As a bonus we will have so many people who love us there. In a few months no one will care about the day apart from us. The stress is also starting to creep in - finalising our ceremony, ensuring we have all our decorations, writing vows, ordering invites and so on in between work and real life. Work is also stressful, hence sitting at 11:55pm, drinking wine, worrying and getting upset about something that makes me seem so selfish and precious.
Aibu in feeling a bit sad, a bit gutted, while also knowing this is a first world problem and my day will be perfect, if not what I imagined?

That should be ‘and I really wanted to elope. Family pressure...’

Not sure where the extra words came from sorry 😐

Op weddings tend to be stressful whatever happens. Think of the many many threads where bridezilla who gets exactly the big flash wedding they want become manic about it.

Life is about expectations versus reality.

It's just a day and it's about a formal family based showing or commitment. Let go of all the other thoughts about how it could be different.

I know this is a bit naff to say but there is so much suffering in the world. We are all guilty of getting stressed when things in our lives aren't exactly how we imagine but remember how lucky we are and try to be grateful.

My wedding day was nice but it certainly wasn't amazing or the best day ever ..try to just enjoy it for what it is.

I hated all of my first wedding so second time around we did what we wanted (apart from 6 guests and a wedding cake). The difference wasn't doing what we wanted but marrying the right person. Second time around was in still in a registry office but he was so so right for me I loved every second of it. So, focus on the person you are marrying and the marriage and save for a nice belated honeymoon for your 5th wedding anniversary. Good luck.

I can understand your disappointment but probably all the little things that you think matter seem to matter more because you've lost a bit of control and can't have them, if you see what I mean?

You'll still have a lovely day because all the people you love will be there (and some you probably don't, but you can ignore them!) purely to celebrate with you and wish you joy and it really doesn't matter where you do that.

I think you really need to start being grateful for what you have and I mean this in a nice way. Your family are paying for most of it, you are having your gran there etc. If you had no help financially when and where exactly would you be getting married? Count your blessings and have a lovely day.

Honestly, just enjoy it. It is planned now.

I had this awful feeling that people felt our venue was a bit rubbish as we were on a budget, had a baby and had been to lots in really posh venues. It ended up being very relaxed and we had a lovely sunny day. If I did it again I would elope though;)

The best wedding we have been to was in a field in Yorkshire.
You are marrying the man of your dreams, the father of your children. You have beautiful children all your loved ones will be there. Your grandmother will see you get married.
You can be rich but better to be rich in love.
Put away your idealist wedding, you are a grown-up, you are wife (to be), a mother, a daughter, a sister & a granddaughter and loved by all. It is going to be a fab wedding.

I hope you can cheer up a bit about it or it may well turn into a self fulfilling prophecy. Surely all that matters is that the people you love will be there.

wanted to elope and spend our limited budget on a tiny luxury wedding for two. But DH insisted on stretching that to 100 people by booking a crap venue and cheap buffet with no honeymoon. Because he didn’t want his f mother to be disappointed by not attending a big wedding

Yeh what a shocker eh, someone actually wanting their own Mum at their wedding!

This is the difference between a marriage and a wedding isn't it?

It seems like a wedding is just open season nowadays; everyone feels entitled to have input irrespective of the bride and grooms wishes.

From the planning, to the hen do's and stag do's , through the ceremony to the honeymoon it all seems like one continuous path of stress , anxiety and unhappiness, creating family divides that never heal and lost friendships.

I would never have a wedding, but I would get married if that makes sense.

I was in a very similar situation OP. I had more guests that I'd have liked, (quite a few of whom I'd rarely met), and we had our reception on a caravan site! (- well, tbf, it was more like a bare marquee in the middle of a field). On top of that, my own mother was threatening not to attend (she did in the end).

But really, in the end, I really enjoyed the day! And, that wasn't only me - everyone else said it was one of the best they'd been to! Although it was not flashy at all, I was just so happy to be marrying my (now) DH that I just bounced all the way through it, and I think that vibe was shared throughout the day. I made a few things to make the venue more personal, and it all came together.

Basically, - don't worry! Enjoy it for what it is! And remember, there's plenty of time in the future to enjoy the quiet moments in beautiful locations!

Goodness, it really does sound like you fancied a expensive venue, and a tropical honeymoon. Your not even paying for it, but you're upset that it's not lavish and expensive. Well you should have saved some more money, or just do what the majority of people do which is enjoy a day that doesn't cost £30k. Stop looking at Instagram and pinterest. They are the devils works and don't compare your day to other people's or the fairy tail you had in your head.

I'm sure your parents will be very sensible and give your sister the same amount of money. If her DP's parent can afford more, or they have more savings, so be it. It's all spent in a day.

Enjoy your day, I'm sure your family will love watching you get married.

My wedding was all about keeping my DM happy and she was awful to us in the run up to it and indeed on the morning itself. We had wanted to go abroad (just us and anyone who wanted to join us but no expectations) - we were in our 30s and DH had been married before. The emotional blackmail was intense and we ended up totally compromising (or giving in) on everything. But - we did still enjoy the day - stressful though it was - and had a great honeymoon. Congratulations, go with it, and enjoy x

Plan a vow renewal for an anniversary in the future in some sunny venue on the cliffs overlooking the sea with just your kids. We never had a honeymoon so that's what I'm going to do at some point in the future.

Why will grandma not see your sister marry? She sounds like she won't be happy whatever she gets so don't let jealousy get you! You can still pull out but think you don't want to. What does dp say?
I think sometimes you just have to say I'm doing it, so will do it with grace. Paste a smile on and you may start to feel it. Resentment will eat you up and spoil your day.
You made some choices, so own them and have the best time you can.
Try to get some time alone as a couple later and thank goodness you have a loving partner and family.
It's tough when things don't go how you want, weddings get built up so much but your relationship sounds lovely. You will laugh about the circus later, You can renew your (humanist blessing?) in your own way, in the future.

Her 'solution' was to take out wedding cover and then the day before the wedding she feigned D&V, rang GP for 'appointment' knowing they would refuse her due to contagion but have a phone call instead - Doc said she had norovirus and not to see anyone et voila, bar excess she claimed the lot back on insurance and then 4 months later had her actual choice of wedding

I can't believe anyone could be so selfish! This is the ultimate bridezilla, if indeed it did happen.

Did this wedding insurance cover all the costs of her wedding guests?
Or did they have to lose out or pay twice?

Let alone all the time costs and organisation involved!

How could she knowingly deceive everyone for months - who were planning their lives around an invitation from her, being happy for her?

I would not want to marry someone capable of that level of deceit - or indeed have them in my life.

As for the OP - I think you need to focus on what you do have rather than what seems to have been out of you reach anyway - for now.

Save for a ten year anniversary honeymoon when your children are older.

You can still have your dream!

It sounds like you're playing a victim here and I think you need to change your mindset. You chose to get married in the UK to please a grandparent- you could easily have jetted off and got married how you wanted and had a party when you got back for her to attend with a blessing or something.

You're upset that a wedding your parents are paying for for you isn't to your taste- I take it you've had some say in the venue etc? Or have you and your fiancé allowed your parents to choose everything?

The honeymoon thing is just odd- surely when you had kids you realised back then that holidays would be different? I'm sorry you're stressed but you're just wallowing I'm self pity and you either need to take control and change things or stop moaning about your small wedding and relatively local holiday.

This, I think. OP, don't be one of the worst type of people-pleasers, the ones who let themselves be railroaded into things for the sake of other people, and then simmer with semi-concealed resentment for years -- my mother is this type, so I'm extra-sensitised to it, and they're hellish to be around.

I think you need to own your own choices. You chose to have a budget wedding paid for by your parents, rather than wait and save, and you chose to have it in the UK so your grandmother could attend. You chose to have children who were going to make jetting off to the Maldives for a three-week honeymoon difficult. Those were your choices, and they have consequences.

And the rage about your sister seems to be because you think she is less likely to be railroaded into a type of wedding that's not what she wants...?

I would have preferred eloping to the Caribbean with just DH & having an informal celebration back home with family & friends. DH wanted the big party with family & friends. As an only child, I also felt a certain amount of duty/obligation to my parents/family to conform to expectations. So the original 120 guest list ballooned to 180 and it got really stressful despite both sides of the family being extremely pragmatic finance wise. Unusually, my parents paid for the numbers on my side, the PILs paid for the numbers on their side and DH & I paid for all our own friends. So, although my ideal wedding would have been small & intimate, I ended up with a massive humdinger of a do. I wasn't even drunk when we did a cringey karaoke version of "My heart will go on" (forced by our nearest & dearest friends - the bastards!) Good thing, we're still married 20 yrs later. I didn't compromise on the honeymoon though - 3 weeks Hawaiian island hopping. (Life before DC though) It'll be fine. Focus on the positives.

As you get older, you'll learn to be less of a people pleaser. It's hard - I completely understand about family pressure.

I still resent but grudgingly go on the odd family holiday with DH's family. No-one actually enjoys it (would never say so publicly) but we all do it out of duty.

This Christmas, we actually went away on holiday for the first time ever. DH has jokingly said that we had to travel literally thousands of miles and spend a small fortune just to avoid Christmas week with his Mum. I have to admit that there is some truth in that!

The thing is - it sounds like you already have a marriage. You live with your partner, you have children, presumably you are committed to each other.

You're essentially throwing a party to celebrate it and make it official.

You can have more parties in the future.

Keep reminding yourself it's the marriage that's most important not the wedding, and, some weddings in more humble venues are no less the charming because of it. You will still be getting married surrounded by friends and family including your DGM. Try to concentrate on having a happy day rather than whether you did or didn't get all the bells and whistles.

Thank you everyone.

For what it's worth I don't want a big expensive wedding, I've never wanted an expensive wedding.
About 10 years ago I fell in love with a venue and after finding out about the cost when engaged it was immediately discarded.
When engaged I had a wedding in my head but due to family commitments I've just let that go.

And for the record I am very grateful to my parents for paying. I never expected it and had originally tried to recreate the wedding abroad here (registry office, lovely meal and drinks) but the guest list grew and grew and so my parents gave money.

The day itself will be great, I'm marrying the person I want. I just had a moment of being fed up with yet more wedding nonsense and needed to vent.

YANBU for feeling what you feel. It's fine to acknowledge it. And you're venting in the right place, with people who will undoubtedly sympathize (as do I).

YWBU if you acknowledged these feelings to others and this were to have an impact on their enjoyment of the event. Believe me, I understand. Every year I have to swallow my dislike of Christmas; a hard time for me because it seems to highlight the loss of loved ones. Coupled with the annual bind of in-law obligation, kowtowing to societal expectation of enforced jollity and fulfilling duties I'd rather not fulfil, I confess I dread it. But my DS & DH would be first to be surprised if they were told it.

These weddings can turn out to be by far the best, as they're often much less regimented and more relaxed than the ones planned to the nth degree. And sacrificing your first choice to accommodate your gran is a wonderful, loving gesture and I think it's one you'll be glad about later when you look back on your memories of the day.

Why not do a 5-year vow-renewal and elope then, just as you've always dreamed?

OP I relate and had a similar experience. My advice at this stage is not to bother with anything else that hasn't already been sorted. Eg adding wedding favours, little extras etc- just forget them and keep the day super simple. I did this as I realised too late it was becoming a circus. On the day we had no "extras" apart from
LOADS of food, drink snd music and the guests really enjoyed it. I endured parts of it, but was happy to be with my DH and happy I didn't have to be concerned with decorations, signing books, confetti, card box, display stands and all that sh1t.

I don’t get the honeymoon disappointment - you chose to have kids before you married?