To dread my wedding?

[sailorcherries]

We're approaching the final countdown, around 90 days or so to go, and I'm dreading it.

I wanted to go away and get married but never because of my grandmother. She won't see another grandchild get married, has done a lot for me, and wouldn't be able to fly.
I'm now stuck with a wedding I've never envisioned, in a venue I'm not too fond of, with a guest list I'm not keen on with no way out. Our honeymoon also won't be the kind I dreamed of as a child (I dreamed of the honeymoon, not the wedding) because we have kids.
My parents and DPs parents have kindly paid for our wedding and it is a budget wedding. We've have contributed some savings.
The venue is nice but, had I known I'd be married in this country, it would not be anywhere near my top 50. I have a top list of venues that I genuinely go weak kneed for, but at over £8,000 for hire only and no food/drink I'd mever, ever be able to afford them. My guest list is too much for my liking but again, it's done. Honeymoon won't be the far off places because of young kids.

I know we could have waited and saved more but with two kids I didn't want to spend silly amounts on one day, when it could go towards them. I also had enough for the wedding I dreamed of. DP and I compromised on a lot because we're people pleasers. This has massively impacted our day, much to my now dismay.

To top it off my sister's boyfriend has just messaged me about ring shopping and I am thrilled to go, she deserves this. However I know, knowing my sister, she will not have the same issues I do. I know it will be a big wedding, in the venue she wants (even if it cripples my parents and his) because she gets what she wants. I feel jealous and she's not even engaged. Not jealous of a big white wedding, but jealous of having what she wants. This bit I know is bloody pathetic.

I'm hoping this is just nerves. My day will be good, I'm marrying the man I love and that's that. As a bonus we will have so many people who love us there. In a few months no one will care about the day apart from us. The stress is also starting to creep in - finalising our ceremony, ensuring we have all our decorations, writing vows, ordering invites and so on in between work and real life. Work is also stressful, hence sitting at 11:55pm, drinking wine, worrying and getting upset about something that makes me seem so selfish and precious.
Aibu in feeling a bit sad, a bit gutted, while also knowing this is a first world problem and my day will be perfect, if not what I imagined?

I was in a similar position but now I look back on it with fondness. I promise you will enjoy the day. I did, despite the fact that to top it all I was going down with a cold.
All is not lost - have the day you want for another special day, maybe a big birthday or wedding anniversary when you are in control!

Nothing but thank you for the thought FlyingMonkeys.

The day will be fine, lovely even. My mind just hasn't caught up with my reality.
I need an outlet for this, my DP might interpret it as me having cold feet and my parents will interpret it as being ungrateful.

So many people have what they call their perfect wedding but to the wrong person. If you dont have your perfect wedding but you have the right person then you are very lucky. Its up to you to ensure that you enjoy yr day. Its a mindset. The venue etc isnt important really. You can choose to be miserable or choose to make the most of it. Up to you. Be positive. Dont look back and wish you had enjoyed it more.

Is there something particularly important to you where you can take control and make it (near as damn it) perfect?

For example, apart from marrying DH (obv!) the thing that mattered most to me was my shoes. I made lots of compromises over the wedding, but didn't compromise on my shoes and they made me very happy on the day.

Is there something similar that you can do for you? Get a manicure and perfect colour nail polish? Dye your hair pink like you always wanted? Splurge on the flowers that you really want?

What a depressing start to married life. I can't believe you can't cancel or change it and do what you like. It's your day. I speak as someone who has never married or had kids. However, would I fuck be doing what everyone else wanted explains why i am single

You said it your self this is a day that only you and DH will remember in years to come. Give your head a wobble write down what you want and what you dont want in two columns. It's sad and could be avoided surely?

Right now you are 90 days from your Dreading not your Wedding.

delboy we have parents who have spent a lot of money, which won't be refunded.
We have guests who have already booked flights/train tickets and a weekend hotel stay.

We could change but we'd hurt those we care about and we're not those people.

I literally could’ve written every bit of this myself. The day turned out fine. Didn’t love it, but it was fine. I don’t even display wedding photos because it was so far from what I wanted.

However, we’ve been married 15 years, have 2 kids and a wonderful life. I try to console myself with that fact. It’s too late to tell you to change the wedding but I will tell you that you have the rest of your lives to make other magical moments together, the way you choose.

OP I the only weddings I have enjoyed have been budget weddings. The bride and groom love each other and just want to share the joy of being married.They also tend to be far more personal and the atmosphere is amazing. The big budget (often requiring a loan) weddings are incredibly dull for guests. Few are original, lack any sense of joy and seem to be based around magazine suggestions rather than the bride and groom. Others may disagree but a wedding in a fancy hotel/castle chosen purely because the sales person is good at their job, rather than any connection to bride and groom, are bloody boring and usually attended due to a sense of obligation and also with a huge level of resentment due to costs involved for guests. As for the soup followed by a dried chicken dish then chocolate pud at massive amounts per head, this is no ones idea of fun.

Your day is what it is, own it and decide that it is going to be the best day ever. It will be!

When you look back 20 years later, you'll realise that although you have fond memories of the day itself, they are only a tiny fraction of the totality of your relationship. If you think carefully about where you compromised and ensure that you stand up for yourselves about the important, lifelong things (rather than becoming a pattern of behaviour) you won't feel so bad about it not being your perfect day.

I was kind of the opposite - I wasn't quite Bridezilla but looking back I trod on a few toes in getting what we wanted, and I rather wonder now if it was worth all the upset.

One thing's for sure. You won't regret staying within your means. One of the most enjoyable weddings I went to was at the most rubbishy looking venue imaginable (think village hall overdue for refurb. ) And I think fairytale type settings are renowned for harbouring poisonous secrets, aren't they?

You need to take a leaf out of your sister's book. Just sayin....

I'm not suggesting you do this but a few years ago a friend of my Dsis was in a similar position (tho I'm not sure it was as close as 90 days). It got to the point where she just couldn't do it but, like you, finances were committed..

Her 'solution' was to take out wedding cover and then the day before the wedding she feigned D&V, rang GP for 'appointment' knowing they would refuse her due to contagion but have a phone call instead - Doc said she had norovirus and not to see anyone et voila, bar excess she claimed the lot back on insurance and then 4 months later had her actual choice of wedding

YY do this!!

I'm not suggesting you do this but a few years ago a friend of my Dsis was in a similar position (tho I'm not sure it was as close as 90 days). It got to the point where she just couldn't do it but, like you, finances were committed..

Her 'solution' was to take out wedding cover and then the day before the wedding she feigned D&V, rang GP for 'appointment' knowing they would refuse her due to contagion but have a phone call instead - Doc said she had norovirus and not to see anyone et voila, bar excess she claimed the lot back on insurance and then 4 months later had her actual choice of wedding

If it helps OP I also didn't get married abroad because my grandparents wouldn't have flown out for it. I couldn't possibly get married without them (DGF walked me down the aisle)
We had the BEST day, I know it's hard not to dwell but honestly you might be surprised on how great it is

I think you might just have to roll with it this late on, you’ll probably be surprised if your expectations are so low anyway! Just focus on the marriage bit and not the wedding, you are marrying the man you love, the venue and all the other crap doesn’t matter at the end of the day.

For what it’s worth I got my “dream wedding” it was everything I wanted, the venue I wanted etc etc. My mil shat all over it, her behaviour just ruined the entire day. I won’t list off everything she did but you can imagine. My point is you can plan and pay for the “perfect day” and still not get it! I was quite bitter about parts of my wedding for quite a while but I came to realise that it didn’t really matter, I married the right man and that was the main thing, the wedding is a day, the marriage bit is for life.

A good friend of mine had the best wedding I have ever been to, it was just perfect, everything, the venue, the special touches, the day was just spot on (even better than my own wedding if my mil had behaved herself !!) my friend is going through a divorce less than 3 years later. Perfect wedding just wrong groom!

In response to the above post suggesting you fake illness, if you are adult enough to be committing to marriage then you need to be adult about your wedding day. You either go along with it because you are pragmatic, want to keep the peace but you are just happy to commit to your life together or you speak up now. Staying married to someone (even if you love them to bits) for 50+ years is really what you need to be focused on. Lots of compromise and acceptance needed in the years ahead even if you are the most compatible couple ever. Honestly when I lost DH it was not the big romantic gestures I missed, it is the tiny every day details of being a couple for several years. This is what you are signing up to in front of everyone.

3/4 weeks before our wedding my Husband's aunty chucked a huge tanty about the location we were getting married at, threatened to have us thrown off the property (DH's Grandparents property was meant to be our wedding location) by the police if we went ahead with it, she was mad enough to do it too so we ended up having to change the location.

Our beautiful planned wedding went to getting married on the property of a boarding kennel where I once worked as it was the only place I could find in the short time (beautiful manicured property though surrounding the kennel), in the end it poured rain and we all crammed on my old bosses back porch to get married, our reception was in a dingy little hall down the road from the kennels with ugly brown/yellow plastic chairs and mismatched pink tale covers as we had made them to go with the bridesmaids dresses.

All of the stuff we had hired originally we had to let go because the new wedding location was an hour from the original one and an hour and a half from the hire company.

We also had to have the aunty at our wedding as she was bringing my husband's GP's and no one else was able to bring them in.

I loved my wedding day so much and had an absolute ball, wouldn't change a thing as even though it was so stressful before hand the memories of my actual wedding day are great.

Your wedding doesn't need to be what you had envisaged to be perfect, ours was anything but the beautiful property wedding beside a damn underneath two huge beautiful trees with decorated marquee and huge dancefloor reception that it should have been.

Also to this day, 10 years later we still have no idea what her problem was.

@willstarttomorrow 'In response to the above post suggesting you fake illness...'

For clear avoidance of doubt I was UBER clear saying I'm NOT suggesting you do this!

No but I was

OP do what makes you happy. Otherwise YABU to dread it.

So many people have what they call their perfect wedding but to the wrong person. If you don't have your perfect wedding but you have the right person then you are very lucky.

This ^^ My wedding was pretty rubbish, no one from my side (family or friends) were able to attend, everyone was from DH's side. I got drunk afterwards as I was so miserable!

20 years on, the marriage has been worth it.

The best wedding I was at was also the tiniest...held in the b&g's home. Sandwiches, homemade cake, and a small fun group of people.
I understand you regret the choices made, but in the end the people are what count.

I went to a wedding where the last of three sisters got married (I know the groom).

I was mostly on the table with friends and family of the bride. There was a lot of, er, gentle comments about how the bride had to do every thing a bit better/bigger than her sisters. Numbers of people/location/music etc. It will be noticed.

I’m not much of a wedding person but have definitely enjoyed th cheaper weddings I’ve been to the most. There’s something a bit distasteful to the v expensive ones...

nerves are a twat. ..(i have anxiety disorder,always have..so i know that as a fact) They creep in any way they can. You could sulk,,,be resentful(and or jealous of the ones with the choices\liberty to do what suits them. Gony no tho.youre guaranteed a shite day wi shite memories if you try n compare it to "if only"...I generally hate all the count your blessings even when its tripping you up.However...you get to marry the man you want to-with the potential to live happy ever after. ..and if yur 2kids in already0you musta noticed by now..plans n hopes n expectations and reality can be way off.so... its not quite how you wanted it or envisioned then good.it cant go wrong.you can relax.enjoy every minute of it-its YOUR special day..so be special...celebrate youre unity...and smile.brides always oughta smile. wishing you a lifetime of happiness x

My dad died 3 weeks before my wedding. I hated my day without him. Still love my husband and my marriage. This feels like a big deal now but it really isn’t. Look forward to the marriage and you can always run off to Vegas and have another wedding!

I think you're being reasonable. It's a big day, it's your special day. You should get some say in how you want that day to be. I wish you had some time to make it more to your liking. Are there any last-minute things you can do or buy or wear that might make you ease more into everything a bit? Like can you add a special piece to your outfit (brooch, hair pins, necklace) that you have had your eye on or would like to wear? It might sound too small an effort and fair enough if it does LOL. I try and look at ways I can get a little control in situations that might not exactly meet my needs/liking and if I were you, I might try there. Hope that made sense. :)