To dread my wedding?

[sailorcherries]

We're approaching the final countdown, around 90 days or so to go, and I'm dreading it.

I wanted to go away and get married but never because of my grandmother. She won't see another grandchild get married, has done a lot for me, and wouldn't be able to fly.
I'm now stuck with a wedding I've never envisioned, in a venue I'm not too fond of, with a guest list I'm not keen on with no way out. Our honeymoon also won't be the kind I dreamed of as a child (I dreamed of the honeymoon, not the wedding) because we have kids.
My parents and DPs parents have kindly paid for our wedding and it is a budget wedding. We've have contributed some savings.
The venue is nice but, had I known I'd be married in this country, it would not be anywhere near my top 50. I have a top list of venues that I genuinely go weak kneed for, but at over £8,000 for hire only and no food/drink I'd mever, ever be able to afford them. My guest list is too much for my liking but again, it's done. Honeymoon won't be the far off places because of young kids.

I know we could have waited and saved more but with two kids I didn't want to spend silly amounts on one day, when it could go towards them. I also had enough for the wedding I dreamed of. DP and I compromised on a lot because we're people pleasers. This has massively impacted our day, much to my now dismay.

To top it off my sister's boyfriend has just messaged me about ring shopping and I am thrilled to go, she deserves this. However I know, knowing my sister, she will not have the same issues I do. I know it will be a big wedding, in the venue she wants (even if it cripples my parents and his) because she gets what she wants. I feel jealous and she's not even engaged. Not jealous of a big white wedding, but jealous of having what she wants. This bit I know is bloody pathetic.

I'm hoping this is just nerves. My day will be good, I'm marrying the man I love and that's that. As a bonus we will have so many people who love us there. In a few months no one will care about the day apart from us. The stress is also starting to creep in - finalising our ceremony, ensuring we have all our decorations, writing vows, ordering invites and so on in between work and real life. Work is also stressful, hence sitting at 11:55pm, drinking wine, worrying and getting upset about something that makes me seem so selfish and precious.
Aibu in feeling a bit sad, a bit gutted, while also knowing this is a first world problem and my day will be perfect, if not what I imagined?

could you afford a trip camping/shortstay to the beach even with the kids.set up a picnic on the beach and have alittle this is us time.get that sea dream you wanted in at least a glimpse of it together as man and wife.

OP, remember what's important. The day, the venue - none of it really matters. The people that you love and care about are the ones that matter. Many people get into debt planning their perfect day - only to end up divorced a few years later.

You're clearly the complete opposite of a Bridezilla - keeping everyone else happy - I'm sure that's very refreshing for your family and guests

You have the important things here - a certainty you're marrying the right man, and your loved ones with you when you say your vows. The marriage matters much more than the day.

You can still plan and save for a dream honeymoon - to be taken when the kids are older.

If you’re spending £8k on venue only, then there must have been other options - that’s not budget!

I honestly don't get this

If you have a dream wedding which you can't afford but you insist that you MUST get married in 90 days then get married in a RO and down the local for a sandwich and G and T

Cost - £150?

Save up for a cliff top blessing in X years

No need for jealousy or bitterness

As I say - your dilemma makes no sense to me

Win win

If you are going to regret it, cancel the wedding. Then run away for the tiny wedding you want.
I read somewhere that you always regret the things you didn't do.
Your wedding is your day. Do it your way.

OP you need to take some control here...go through your wedding plans and change something ..anything that is your choice and yours alone.I understand being a people pleaser is important but it is ruining your happy day,,,,as much as you are committed to your husband and family this resentment is no way to start a marriage,.All that money just to make everyone but you happy ...its bonkers...Can you not change your wedding to a blessing and run off a week before and get married quietly in a way that is special to you and your partner all be it a trimmed down version of what you want? I would.My wedding had to be a certain way and it was ...me and him and 2 witnesses that was it but it was only ever going to be about me and him the actual day so we ran off!!! Never regretted it cos at the end of the day it is only about you and him...Go on be reckless be foolish max out your cards and have one day your way then come back dont tell anyone and have the second family wedding as planned. Either way I wish you a long happy healthy marriage and wish you well ,,,,

I think weddings usually involve some compromises as most people have to think about what their family and friends might want/ need. You do seem to have made lots of compromises, so YANBU.

But (and I know this will sound unkind), you have made choices that have led to this wedding that you’re not happy with - having children before getting married (so not having your ideal honeymoon), and accepting money from family which means you don’t have complete control over the wedding. Both done for good reasons, I expect, but it does mean you're not having the wedding you really wanted. I wonder if that’s part of the reason you feel so down about it?

I didn't want a wedding. I just wanted to get married. But then parents starting interfering - "where are you going to have your photos done" etc. Things I totally didn't care about. We had an almost 4 year so it was hardly the start of our life together. It was just 'making it legal' to me. I had a few things I would of maybe liked to have done - but no one would listen so I gave up and left it to them to organise.
Perhaps you could try to have 'the theme' of what you want at the boring golf club. Watch Marrying Mum and Dad on CBBC to see what I mean. Take the ideas and dreams you have and improvise. Turn to the day into essentially a fun day that's a bit of a laugh.

If you were genuinely a ‘people pleaser’ you’d be happy that you were putting on your wedding for the enjoyment of these ‘people’.

I don’t understand why people say they are ‘people pleasers’ then butch about accommodating other people. Either you like doing that or your don’t.

Is it a beautiful golf course? If the weather holds can you take a smaller number outside for the ceremony? Or even just photos. Leave the others inside with drinks.

do you know what I'd do? book a day off the day before. go to your cliff top with DP. snog, picnic, take selfies, switch off your phones, enjoy each, be naughty and make it all about you two. don't tell anyone where you are going or what you are doing - have it as your mysterious, romantic secret. and then take the wedding day as it comes. you may even enjoy it.

Everything @lightlypoached just said.

And then start saving for your dream honeymoon. Go for your first or second anniversary. Will kids be okay staying with GPs?

Thank you everyone, feeling a bit better this morning and have actually decided to sort invites tonight with DP.

Annoyed with DSis boyfriend, called DP cheap and implied they'd be taking my parents for every penny they could last night when he was asking about rings.

As for angrybird the hire price for my venue is £300. Years before I was engaged I had a venue I loved only to discover it was £8000 hire fee and it was immediately vetoed.

Oh OP- I’m in a very similar situation! Only I’m 150 ish days to go! The only differences is that we don’t have kids and my venue is beautiful (very pricey) - but I wanted to elope 😣

I also have a biggish guest list of people I like but aren’t ‘desperate’ to spend the day with. It feels like it’s morphed from this beautiful little romantic elopement to a bloody Royal Wedding!! And there have been a lot of ‘obligations’ which have strong armed me into doing stuff.

The reality is- it’s perfectly lovely and most brides would be thrilled with my day but it just wasn’t my first choice!

However I try to remind myself of the positives! And the more I do that- the more I’m looking forward to it!

Although I find trying to organise ALL of the suppliers pretty tedious!

Also, a few weeks after our invitations went out my cousin announced he was eloping (to the exact same place I had wanted to!)

I think it’s super important to get these things clear in your head-

• It IS your choice to stay even if you feel strong armed into it!
• It WAS your choice to have kids and so your honeymoon was never going to be a 2 week long haul affair. Whether you eloped or not it was never going to happen!
• Your ‘dream’ wedding just isn’t going to happen so set your sights lower (don’t mean to sound harsh) but whilst spending £25k on your ‘dream’ wedding is too expensive - spending £8k on a wedding you’re underwhelmed by is also too expensive!!

You can change things around last minute (unless like me you’re tied into the event/catering by the venue) so don’t worry about making the event ‘more you’ as long as it’s still the same date/time everyone will come! Other than that - the train has already left the station- don’t be jealous of others or resentful of £8k being spent on you!!

My wedding day was the most stressful crappy day of my life and I'm thankful
We didn't overspend on it . It's just one day , although right now it seems very important give in a few months and it will be a distant memory .
Atleast you haven't had to pay for it yourself

I like the idea of having a blessing on your cliff top.

Actually getting married your way, then having a ceremony blessing and celebration (the golf club wedding) could be done. Years ago I attended a wedding, the whole I pronounce you man and wife etc.

They had a a registry office service beforehand and were already married! Not sure why, asking would be rude but my point is, I had no idea! Nothing about that ceremony even hinted they'd done it.

If you both really feel strongly about this you could go for that cliff or something more you and intimate. Then have golf club as a blessing ceremony and reception.

I know people that want to move house but can't as they are putting what they could have put towards a house on the wedding of their dreams. Others got in massive debt snd their divorce will be finalised before they pay it off.

Sorry you didn't get what you wanted, like others said you can do vow renewal or anniversary party in a few years somewhere really exotic. But I bet when you are helping your kids buy their first house / car / helping them through uni you will be very pleased you had a small wedding and saved the money towards something that will make a big and genuine difference to their lives.

I think lots of people that get married have massive pressure and expectations their day will be perfect from start to finish. Maybe as you've not got high expectations, you'll actually enjoy it once you're there?

Firstly I wouldn't describe 3 months as "the final countdown", I would think of that as more like the last week! You can't be like his for the next three months, obsessing over one day.

It sounds like you're playing a victim here and I think you need to change your mindset. You chose to get married in the UK to please a grandparent- you could easily have jetted off and got married how you wanted and had a party when you got back for her to attend with a blessing or something.

You're upset that a wedding your parents are paying for for you isn't to your taste- I take it you've had some say in the venue etc? Or have you and your fiancé allowed your parents to choose everything?

The honeymoon thing is just odd- surely when you had kids you realised back then that holidays would be different? I'm sorry you're stressed but you're just wallowing I'm self pity and you either need to take control and change things or stop moaning about your small wedding and relatively local holiday.

I think you should focus on the things you do want in your wedding...
Your finally getting a ring on your finger, proclaiming in front of your GP who you love that you and DP are committing to one another.
Your dad gets to give you away....

People will be happy for you, excited to see your dress.
You get to say vows that you mean to the man you love.
You can do some silly things, for fun just for both of you in the run up to the day... Maybe plan a box for him to open on the morning.
One friend I know sent him an... Oh look what is under the dress pic... Poor bloke was so emotional....

As you say, the marriage is the most important thing.
A humanist ceremony with meaningful vows sounds lovely - you are right to focus on that.
A beautiful venue is a "nice to have" and what you will really remember is how you felt on the day you married your husband. You will also remember the people who were around you to share in your happiness.
I do think weddings are for the families as well as the couples, so please try not to regret too much not having exactly what you want - there is a lot to be said for compromise.
Also remember that comparison is the thief of joy.

It's one day to mark the beginning of something much bigger and much more important than a wedding. You've no doubts about the marriage you say, so focus on that 😊

I had a dream wedding like something out of ok magazine. Divorced now. I’m sorry it’s not everything you dreamt of but definitely focus on your wonderful family and relationship x

I had a wedding to please others and it was ‘budget’ - register office (it’s one in a beautiful old building and was a lovely ceremony) followed by a sit down meal in a restaurant nearby (we hired the whole place, food was gorgeous and everyone had a relaxed time chatting) and that was it! I really did not want a party for 30 guests it would have been weird IMO. A family friend kindly did the photos for free.
Like you I was dreading it. Properly dreading it. We already have 2 children, were too skint to do it ‘properly’ and I really wanted to elopes I just wanted Family pressure led to what I had in the end and, actually, it was a really great day! I got to wear a beautiful dress, our families really enjoyed sharing the day with us too. It wasn’t my ‘dream’ wedding and to some people would be seen as boring BUT the most important thing is that I am now married to my amazing husband, our closest friends and family shared the day with us and had a great time, we didn’t spend tonnes of money on a fancy venue either. It’s been nearly 2 years and we haven’t had a honeymoon, I do get a bit jealous of people getting the dream honeymoon they want but we have 2 kids I have to be realistic that we just can’t afford one.

Sorry to ramble but I just want to say I know how you’re feeling and I know it smarts a bit when it seems others are having their ‘dream day.’ It is only 1 day - it will be beautiful regardless and the important bit is that you’ll be married to your partner at the end of it, keep that at the forefront of your mind

That being said start saving for a dream holiday just the two of you in the future x