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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DN pay for missing school jumper out of christmas money?

92 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 16:39

DN started high school back in September, before Christmas half term she somehow managed to lose her PE kit (and trainers), School Jumper and then other little bits not expensive like pencil case and school bag that was luckily empty. This was all within the space of 3 weeks!

Unfortunately these items never reappeared. I spoke with DN how she is old enough to look after her own property now and needs to be more careful with her things.

Tonight she's come back and she's lost her school jumper again and her PE top. I said to DH I think she should purchase either the jumper (£17) or PE top (£13) out of her own Christmas money if the property doesn't turn up, in hopes it will make her be more careful with her stuff. DH thinks it's quite cruel of me as she's only 11 and another talk should suffice. I don't think it will though, in the space of a month she's lost over £100 worth of stuff.

AIBU?

OP posts:
cuppycakey · 15/01/2019 16:41

DN? Do you have parental responsibility for your niece?

Are you sure she isn't being bullied? It sounds like an awful lot of stuff to have just gone missing as she starts high school.

BlueNeighbourhood · 15/01/2019 16:44

My first thought was exactly the same as the poster above. That’s a lot of stuff to go missing, especially trainers and school bags - you don’t just misplace them.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 16:44

Yes, I have responsibility for my DN.

School have mentioned no problems and they are quite involved with her due to her previous home life. She also hasn't said anything to me or DH. She is honestly quite a careless child in the sense if her head wasn't attached she would lose it.

OP posts:
PinkFizzz · 15/01/2019 16:44

DS is terrible for this. We are on a really tight budget and I can't afford to replace everything so I just haven't. Packed lunch now goes in a cheap zip-lock bag instead of lunchbox/tupperware. P.E. kit is basic plain supermarket stuff, I refuse to buy him a school jumper since we lost 3 in as many weeks - even with his name on he just discards them so he goes in a polo shirt.

If we could afford to give him pocket money, I would certainly make him pay for it in the hope it might make him more responsible and careful.

As it stands, we've supplied only the most basic, boring equipment and if he wants nicer branded things, he has to prove he will look after what he has first. He managed to earn a Smiggle pencil case by returning home with a full inventory of basic stuff at half term.

ChoudeBruxelles · 15/01/2019 16:45

I think you should speak to school if you have parental responsibility for your DN. I’d be worried that she is being bullied

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 16:46

With the PE kit she had left it in the science lab as that was her next lesson after PE. She then went for dinner had another lesson and realised she had left it in the lab. Has gone back and it was gone so I'm presuming it was stolen. But wouldn't have been stolen if DN had placed the kit in her locker or kept it with her.

OP posts:
CaptainMarvelDanvers · 15/01/2019 16:48

My first thought is that it looks like someone is stealing or destroying her stuff. It’s a lot of things to lose in such a short time.

Wallywobbles · 15/01/2019 16:51

My DD lost her coat. She had to go without til Jan when she was given one by granny. I'm not paying to replace any more.

DSS drives me mad for this too. He's just hit 10. Not sure what to do as he's not my responsibility. When he broke his tablet by leaving it on the floor and standing on it he had to use his savings to pay for it though.

lilraven · 15/01/2019 16:54

In terms of how much she's lost, I wouldn't say it's out of the ordinary in my experience. We've had 3 PE kits (2 and a half were found after about 6 weeks) lost/stolen.

An email came round from the head recently saying that the current year 7 are the worst ever for losing their items and the school staff simply do not have time to help try to find them Grin

I'd take it out of her money, it's what I threatened to do and it seemed to work, for now!

Hadalifeonce · 15/01/2019 16:56

If all the kit is labelled it should turn up.

If it doesn't I would seriously look at something else going on.
Turns out my DC was target of low level bullying for years, no one had any idea, but looking back, named kit was lost, never to be seen again. The only way it couldn't make its way back was by someone deliberately disposing of it.

LuluBellaBlue · 15/01/2019 16:58

I’m another one to question that amount of stuff and suggest it’s potentially bullying. And if it’s not then I’d also be gently probing into her mental state of mind, just because when I’ve been really down I’ve been totally careless with money, possessions, feeling unworthy etc.
I think kindness and compassion will be a better way to deal with this.

bastardkitty · 15/01/2019 17:00

You seem to be coming more from a punitive place than a concerned place and I imagine that's why your OH thinks you're being cruel. It is very frustrating when they lose things. I do think the onus is on you/your OH to talk to school and find out if there's a problem rather than to assume they would let you know. I would attend to this before considering a punishment. Is your DN from your OH's family?

gegs73 · 15/01/2019 17:03

DS1 was like this for years! He wasn’t being bullied, just completely careless with his stuff leaving it everywhere. Coats, 2x PE kits, whole pencil cases etc. We did start charging him out of his savings/Christmas money etc for replacements in the end. We couldn’t afford it. He could lose something once, but if it happened again he had to pay which we explained to him. It did help. He also had a cash bonus, so if he didn’t lose anything for a whole half term he got £10.

CornishMaid1 · 15/01/2019 17:07

I would tell her either she goes without (in terms of the jumper) or she has to pay for it out of her money as you can't afford to replace them all.

If she doesn't lose anything else for a month or so, you may say that as she is being more careful she can have the money back, but it might make her be more careful.

I would still check there is nothing else going on though - the school may not be aware but I would be concerned there is bullying and someone is hiding her things on purpose as they don't just disappear.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 17:09

I appreciate the bullying comments but I can 110% say with certainty she is not being bullied. School are involved with her not as heavily as they was, she's very open and honest with me and DH. Always has been.

It's not just school stuff, she's careless at home, will leave controllers on the floor, misplace stuff around the house etc.

She's my DN, she's my sister's daughter.

I don't think it's a fair comment to make that I'm looking at it from a cost value rather than an emotional one. If you look up my older posts you'll realise I've done a lot for DN and will continue to do so. When I didn't have to step in and get involved.

OP posts:
Seeline · 15/01/2019 17:10

Was everything properly (permanently) labelled? Does the school not have a lost property system ( and has she checked it regularly?). At DCs schools lost property generally takes a week or two to actually end up in the lost property cupboard so make sure she keeps looking.

Jaxhog · 15/01/2019 17:11

Give her one more chance and make it clear that she will be paying towards the replacement next time. And do it. Perhaps she'll be more careful if she knows there are consequences.

Is there any chance she's being bullied out of them?

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 17:11

I'm saying disappear in the sense of, she's left the items behind and somebody else has taken it, not targeting her specifically. Because none of it reappears in the lost property.

OP posts:
OyOy · 15/01/2019 17:11

Has she been tested for dyslexia or dyspraxia?

billybagpuss · 15/01/2019 17:13

I too would be worried something else was going on.

DD lost her PE kit in year 8 it turned up in year 11 with someone else earrings pushed in just above the hem. (apparently thats where they put the if they forget to take them off)

Worsethingshappen · 15/01/2019 17:13

The only thing is that she probably can’t help it. Making her use her Christmas money won’t stop her from loosing things. The pressure and stress of this approach and it’s implications may make her less reliable.
Just a thought - Has she any other symptoms of ADHD? Distracted, day dreaming, last minute with homework’s, forgetful, unable to complete tasks etc - doesn’t necessarily have to be hyperactive.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 17:16

The school does have a lost property system but not much was in there when I looked. The receptionist commented it's quite rare that stuff gets turned in to lost property, and if stuff does it is silly stuff like pens/pencils, homework sheets.

Uniform is labelled but the smaller stuff isn't labelled no.

OP posts:
LEDadjacent · 15/01/2019 17:17

Get her to check lost property again, sometimes takes a while to make its way there. I think it’s unreasonable to make her pay without advance warning, but after I bought the second PE top I made it clear to DC that they would be buying the next one if it was lost again. It wasn’t.

divadee · 15/01/2019 17:17

I work in a school and this is not unusual at all. I have 1 student who loses stuff or forgets something on an at least weekly basis. Most students lose stuff regularly.

dinkystinky · 15/01/2019 17:19

My DS1 lost a lot of stuff in his first term at secondary school - he's got processing speed issues and his organisational skills are awful. After the second term I started charging him a proportion of what it cost to replace items - simply to get him to understand how much everything costs. Anything of any value is name labelled to an inch of its life and normally eventually makes its way back to him.