AIBU to make DN pay for missing school jumper out of christmas money?

[KungFuPandaWorks]

DN started high school back in September, before Christmas half term she somehow managed to lose her PE kit (and trainers), School Jumper and then other little bits not expensive like pencil case and school bag that was luckily empty. This was all within the space of 3 weeks!

Unfortunately these items never reappeared. I spoke with DN how she is old enough to look after her own property now and needs to be more careful with her things.

Tonight she's come back and she's lost her school jumper again and her PE top. I said to DH I think she should purchase either the jumper (£17) or PE top (£13) out of her own Christmas money if the property doesn't turn up, in hopes it will make her be more careful with her stuff. DH thinks it's quite cruel of me as she's only 11 and another talk should suffice. I don't think it will though, in the space of a month she's lost over £100 worth of stuff.

AIBU?

She's just started High School? Give her a break, she's dealing with a load of new stuff. It's not unusual and it will settle down.

That's a lot to lose. Are you sure there isn't some issue that's making it more difficult for her to lose her things? Can you maybe offer some help. in keeping herself organised? I wouldn't make her pay without advanced warning and I'd perhaps not get her to pay the full amount but a contribution. I'd also try to help her stay more organised. I was constantly losing stuff when I was younger - it wasn't carelessness I was really anxious about it and I'd be up all night worrying but still lose something else.

I would make her pay for both the jumper and PE top from her christmas money and make sure she is in no doubt that from now on she will either have to pay to replace her lost stuff or she goes without. She will never learn to take responsiblity if you keep bailing her out and she will just assue that there is a magic money tree that keeps blossoming everytime she can't be bothered to look after her stuff. Don't infantilise her, she needs to learn to start looking after her stuff.

Look around at the top of her lockers/pe rooms/change rooms
See if you can speak to cleaning staff/janitors - they may be thrown somewhere
My son now knows that if he loses stuff he is going to be held responsible - the amount of stuff he has lost in the last term is ridiculous ...

Losing stuff is pretty standard form at that age in my experience.

It's a hard to find the right line here. What I did find helping was only buying 1 school jumper. When there was only one and no back up, remarkably it was kept hold of.
PE kit I went very basic with. Mine were not sporty so cheapest trainers and basic kit. If the school complained they didn't have, eg. the proper school fleece I would send in a copy of the receipt showing I had bought one and the name tag in it! And leave it with them.

OP, just because you’re completely sure it’s not bullying doesn’t mean it isn’t. You’d be surprised how much kids can and will hide from you.

I wouldn't make her pay for it as clothes are an 'essential' and might leave her feeling very anxious/ vulnerable. Toys, books etc that are not looked after I wouldn't replace.

Tracker tiles on the bigger items?

My son was bullied and stuff taken and hidden - so we resorted to putting tiles on items - so he could locate them!

She's not got no medical backstory, so no ADHD, dyslexia, dysprixia etc.

Another poster touched upon it, is the attitude when she loses the stuff. It's very nonchalant and a "will you get me another auntie kungfu"

I think at times my DH is a bit too soft, he often mentions she didn't have the best start in life and that's a reason why she shouldn't have "consequences" just little talks. Whereas I understand my sister was a bag of shit for a mother, but she's not with her mum anymore. She's got me now and her home life is a million miles apart from what it was and I don't want to use her history as an excuse for her behaviour, because she will start picking up on that and in time use it herself.

When I originally spoke with her, it was you've got too be more careful and aware of your stuff. Then after she lost the next lot it was items cost money, that's why we look after stuff so we dont keep buying the same thing.

I think because I haven't got experience of an 11 year old, I thought maybe 11 year olds should be a bit better after looking after their stuff but by the looks of some of the responses on here, I was mistaken.

She's an 11 year old child. You can't expect her to not make mistakes. Careless or not.

If you have parental responsibility for her then in my opinion you should be both replacing any items she needs at this age and giving her the guidance she needs to be able to not lose things in the future. That may take years of mistakes here and there.

You have mentioned the school are heavily involved because of her past home life, so if anything she needs somebody to be more supportive of her not knocking her for every single mistake she makes at 11 years old.

You can never 100% say a child isn't being bullied.
In my opinion your suggestion is mean and not what she needs.

I was terrible when I was 11, is she in primary school still or is she at secondary? I found the hardest time was my first term at secondary school, I lost pretty much everything, I got better as I got older though. I do still forget things everyone and then, but not very often.

I wouldn't make her pay out of Christmas money, in fact I wouldn't make her pay at all. I would just say that as it's lost, it can't be replaced until you would have naturally replaced it and she goes without or pays for her own replacement if she wants to.

Therefore you're not forcing her but she won't have that item again until you would have replaced it. In the same breath, I would be giving her things to help her not

My mum bought my uniform in Y7 at about a million sizes too big. It lasted me right until the end of Y10. I didn't lose anything as mum couldn't afford to replace it and I would have had to go without or buy it myself. I did need a new jumper once as the elbows had holes in and my dad bought me a new cardigan.

I honestly appreciate the posters saying maybe it is bullying, but as I said before it isn't. She's like this at home forgetful and misplacing things, and she most definitley isn't bullied at home!

I'm proud too see how much she's come on leaps and bounds, she came to me as this broken little girl who had bullying issues in primary school ( that she confided in me about before I even had her) who was so shy and full of self doubt, and not many friends, and I look at her now and burst with pride. She's changed into a confident, out going and happy go lucky girl and has a lot of friends.

Even the school have commented they are proud of how she's fitted in, made friends and took to high school life so well, considering her past. If they wasn't made aware of her background they wouldn't have known she had had problems.

if only it were so easy - making them pay does not solve the issue for many of these dreamy types. I have been there. Making them pay caused ill feeling and stress but had no upside ..

DS is a bit of a loser. I repalce the first item if he loses something in a school year, the second he ays half and the thris time he pays 100% or manages without.

But you have to tell her that upfront. Start from today.

DS is not "a dreamy type" just careless. He manages to not lose his phone just fine

He doesn;t care about school unform becuase it doesn;t matter to him.

I'm hardly knocking her for every mistake. Far from it! I think that's a big of an exaggeration on a posters part there.

I'm asking for opinions on would IBU in doing this, and maybe pickup some tips on what else I could do. Everyday is a lesson as they say.

Forgot to put ideas of what to do. In regards to the tops, if she has more than one, don't replace the one she has lost, if she hasn't, you replace it, make her replace smaller things like pens, pencil case etc. If it is something she wants replacing, but doesn't need, she either waits until birthday or Christmas or she replaces it herself.

• I would be giving her things to help her remember her stuff. So maybe a carabena (sp!) to attach her PE bag to her school bag etc.

If she's lost her whole PE kit, then you might need to replace one last time and tell her that's the last time, otherwise she's not going to be able to do PE. But jumpers/coats etc, I'd leave them without until I could replace or they'd get a cheap charity shop coat etc.

It sounds like your DN has problems with executive functioning, which I am afraid could be more to do with attachment disorder/ her background. In which case it is genuinely not your DN’s fault, she needs support with executive functioning.

docs.scie-socialcareonline.org.uk/fulltext/75782.pdf

There are different books online that might help you to support your DN.

www.amazon.co.uk/Solving-Executive-Function-Challenges-Unstuck/dp/1598576038/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=solving+executive+function+challenges&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547575503&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-but-Scattered-Revolutionary-Executive/dp/1593854455/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Smart+but+scattered+kids&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547575586&sr=8-1

www.amazon.co.uk/Smart-but-Scattered-Teens-Executive/dp/1609182294/ref=sr_1_15?keywords=executive+functioning&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547575087&sr=8-15

www.amazon.co.uk/Mind-Maps-Kids-Tony-Buzan/dp/0007151330/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=Mind+maps+kids&tag=mumsnetforum-21&ie=UTF8&qid=1547575404&sr=8-1

I would imagine that as the school are already supporting your dd, that she has an IEP of some sort? I would suggest asking for support with this. They can only say no.

I work in a school and ine if my more glamorous jobs is sorting out lost property every term. This year (and this is since September) there were two bags of pe kit, some with names on back some unlabelled. 10 blazers. Masses of shoes. A very new Burberry jacket, several new Adidas tops and a very expensive down coat. (That's in the main office before it vanishes) In the locked lost property box, there's 11 phones, including top range ones. Ear buds. Watches, glasses you name it. How the hell they dint notice is beyond me.
I'd make her pay and for a sharpie too, get her name on.

My DS was the same in Y7. Made him pay to replace a jumper and he hasn't lost anything since.

(No bullying, SEN, anxiety - just a child who needed to look after his stuff).

Would it be worth buying a couple of 'Tile' trackers for the more expensive items. I have them for my keys and they're a life saver (mainly because i lose my phone rather than my keys so they make it sing even if it's on silent) They're not infallible and if someone is nicking the stuff then not much help but might help you get a few things back?

Ds2 lost 3 sets of carefully labelled PE kit (including trainers) when he started secondary school. I made him pay half of the cost of replacing the third one - it wasn't that much as we got the very cheapest versions of everything. But I think what really made him think about looking after his stuff was me dragging him into town on a Saturday and making him actually buy the replacements rather than getting the PE kit fairy to deliver them. The next parents' evening the lost property store was open for parents to look for lost kit and I found all three sets sets of kit in about 30 seconds despite being assured that he had looked carefully and they definitely were not there.
As he got a bit older he stopped losing stuff.