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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to make DN pay for missing school jumper out of christmas money?

92 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 16:39

DN started high school back in September, before Christmas half term she somehow managed to lose her PE kit (and trainers), School Jumper and then other little bits not expensive like pencil case and school bag that was luckily empty. This was all within the space of 3 weeks!

Unfortunately these items never reappeared. I spoke with DN how she is old enough to look after her own property now and needs to be more careful with her things.

Tonight she's come back and she's lost her school jumper again and her PE top. I said to DH I think she should purchase either the jumper (£17) or PE top (£13) out of her own Christmas money if the property doesn't turn up, in hopes it will make her be more careful with her stuff. DH thinks it's quite cruel of me as she's only 11 and another talk should suffice. I don't think it will though, in the space of a month she's lost over £100 worth of stuff.

AIBU?

OP posts:
dinkystinky · 15/01/2019 17:19

However the fact your DN has lost a lot in such a short space of time points to someone possibly nicking her stuff - worth having a word with the school.

TeddybearBaby · 15/01/2019 17:21

My son is really bad for this. He is 12 and started secondary school in September. The school have put him on an organisational course and given him a buddy who’s in the sixth form that he can talk about any worries he has. I think he’s just had a big shock, they’ll get there in the end! I’m not sure what will help. I’ve charged him, he’s been given detentions but he just struggles 🤷🏻‍♀️. He’s getting better all the time though actually. Good luck! X

TeenTimesTwo · 15/01/2019 17:21

If it is 'can't be bothered' then you aren't being unreasonable.

However if there is any aspect of 'organisation is hard' then maybe you need to concentrate on putting in things to help first.
e.g. PE Bag could be tied to school rucksack so it can't be left behind.

Homework sheets go into an A4 plastic wallet on receipt.

2anddone · 15/01/2019 17:22

Not rtft but just wanted to say when ds started secondary he lost LOADS of things in the first term and he had never lost anything before. It was so different for him having to carry everything around and not leave it on his peg!
He is now in Year 8 and it's much better the only thing that gets lost are ties and pencil cases!! The new deal we have made is I will replace 1 tie and 1 basic pencil case after that it's up to him until it 'resets' in Year 9....working well so far 🤞

Missingstreetlife · 15/01/2019 17:23

Agree she should be checked for some reason for this, either a diagnosis or external cause but she is clearly a child with extra need because of some difficult experiences and may have emotional problems. I would ask her what she thinks the consequences should be and say you will not replace any more lost things in future. Depends what proportion of her money would replace jumper, perhaps a token contribution this time?

mastertomsmum · 15/01/2019 17:23

If the clothes are named and have not found their way to lost property then the school needs pulling up. My son was at a prep school where the PE department didn’t take stuff to the designated lost property point until the parents complained to the Head.

Pens, rulers etc do disappear but kids gradually become more responsible.

Regarding bullying, do keep a watchful eye.

PinaColada1 · 15/01/2019 17:25

My DS still is like this too! He’s got ADHD.

He wasn’t being bullied, just very distracted. It wasn’t bad at primary, but at secondary they have too move so many times during the day. It’s just not fair on forgetful pupils.

I do sometimes get him to pay for stuff, it costs me an awful lot. But then he won’t have the money and will go around without a jumper.

Just keep encouraging her with positives if you can. Buy cheap school wear. See if she can leave things in only one place or always in her bag etc. Go through with her how it gets lost.

Returnofthesmileybar · 15/01/2019 17:26

I know of your other posts and I agree this is definitely not about money, op has been absolutely fantastic to her dn. I agree op she needs to learn to look after things, that's a crazy about of things to lose. I would approach it more softly just because she has been through a lot but you would make your own pay so she should too.

Coyoacan · 15/01/2019 17:28

I always lost things as a child and well into adulthood. I was punished numerous times for this but all it did was make me miserable and hate school.

Instead of taking her money, maybe you could promise her some reward if she manages to stop losing everything, but don't set the bar too high.

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/01/2019 17:28

Do they have a second hand uniform store. Ours are a fraction of the full price.

NettleTea · 15/01/2019 17:29

Id say stolen. It should make its way to lost property - teachers and cleaners will make sure it goes there but there are kids who are either opportunistic or just theiving bastards who take advantage.

My son gets bullied. He has 'lost' alot - even when he has returned within minutes of remembering. A whole PE kit including leather trainers, everything named. A blazer, A whole schoolbag including his work and planner, and a coat. All named. None turned up. None brought forward as a 'did your son take by mistake' plea on FB

TeenTimesTwo · 15/01/2019 17:30

but you would make your own pay so she should too.

Not necessarily. Each child should be treated on their own merits (or lack of). If the DN has been through a lot, eg parents dying/ill or neglect then that can inhibit maturity.

masterandmargarita · 15/01/2019 17:32

I don't know the back story of how you came to be caring for your neice but is it at all possible that her forgetfulness is a symptom of something that has happened in her past so therefore poss take it easy on her?

MortyVicar · 15/01/2019 17:32

What's her attitude when she loses things? is it 'don't care, somebody will get me another one', or is she upset and genuinely sorry, or does she treat it as just one of those things? Or any other attitude I haven't thought of?

Because I think that would influence whether she paid or not.

Bumblebee39 · 15/01/2019 17:33

No I wouldn't take it out of her money.
I would buy her a new school jumper. They can be very scatty with stuff at that age, but they shouldn't be paying for school stuff out of Christmas money in my opinion.

If you can't afford it there may be a scheme in your area that helps with people on a low income or that sells second hand stuff. Then you can at least give her the choice (we will buy you a new one, but any more will be second hand. Or you can buy it with your own money or accept a second hand one. Up to you)

I mean, it's annoying and it might act like a deterrent but kids who have had a messed up time often one of the things they haven't learnt at an age appropriate level is looking after their things. Although I don't think this is inappropriate age wise tbh

AlexanderHamilton · 15/01/2019 17:34

My two have autism and are constantly losing stuff. I make them pay for replacements because although disorganisation is part of their condition the harsh fact of life is that if you lose something it costs to replace it.

Pk37 · 15/01/2019 17:35

My ds was a nightmare for this , I always threatened it but never followed through.
I’d be inclined to make her pay for one of the tops as it’s getting ridiculous

Bumblebee39 · 15/01/2019 17:36

Does DN maybe have an undiagnosed issue like ADHD or dispraxia? Both can cause them to be careless/thoughtless/chaotic with stuff. If so you would be punishing her for something that isn't her fault.

colditz · 15/01/2019 17:38

Adverse childhood experiences can affect brain development and subsequent executive function. Please hold this in mind before you punish her for losing things - you might be punishing her for her childhood.

Year 7 is very hard on some children. And they ARE very much still children.

Bluntness100 · 15/01/2019 17:38

Many kids are a night mare for this, I'm with you husband, just speaknto her again,

ISdads · 15/01/2019 17:38

as others say, have you checked for medical causes of this eg dyslexia, dyspraxia, adhd, or, and I don't know the backstory,fas?

I wouldn't make her pay, but I would encourage her to look properly. She might not be putting much effort into trying to find them. If they are all going missing, they might easily be being stolen and your dn just has not yet realised.

AlexanderHamilton · 15/01/2019 17:39

I don’t treat it as punishment simply natural consequences.

School uniform is budgeted for and purchased. If an item is lost then the natural consequences are that you don’t have that item any more. The child can then choose to wait until the time you would have replaced it with the next allocation of money and suffer any consequences at school or use their personal pocket/Christmas money to replace it.

jannier · 15/01/2019 17:40

schools are generally the last ones to know if there are bullying issues so just because they keep an eye I wouldn't rule it out unless she has a permanent stuck to her side 1 to 1.
High school is very different to primary with lockers not always being in accessible places, no time to them, lots to carry from class to class, etc, So you also have lots to get used to. Children often take others uniform to avoid trouble especially in stricter schools where detentions can be an issue and its a scary place to go and look for things when you realise you have left them in a class that is now occupied by others who look down on year 7's.

ArchbishopOfBanterbury · 15/01/2019 17:40

I'd buy this one, but warn her it's the last time you're replacing it.

If she's not more careful, she has to buy the next one. Give her a warning and heads up this time.

TheBigBangRocks · 15/01/2019 17:40

I wouldn't make her use her own money either, all you are going to do is make her anxious and worried about losing stuff. She won't suddenly change. It also sends the message that she isn't worth buying items for. Do you not get child allowance for her that could be used to replace the items.