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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to make DN pay for missing school jumper out of christmas money?

92 replies

KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 16:39

DN started high school back in September, before Christmas half term she somehow managed to lose her PE kit (and trainers), School Jumper and then other little bits not expensive like pencil case and school bag that was luckily empty. This was all within the space of 3 weeks!

Unfortunately these items never reappeared. I spoke with DN how she is old enough to look after her own property now and needs to be more careful with her things.

Tonight she's come back and she's lost her school jumper again and her PE top. I said to DH I think she should purchase either the jumper (£17) or PE top (£13) out of her own Christmas money if the property doesn't turn up, in hopes it will make her be more careful with her stuff. DH thinks it's quite cruel of me as she's only 11 and another talk should suffice. I don't think it will though, in the space of a month she's lost over £100 worth of stuff.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Blanca87 · 15/01/2019 18:35

My daughter is like this she has dyspraxia. Your DN may have attachment disorder, due to her lived experience. Care experience children and young people often need more support than their non care experienced peers. Maybe come up with strategies with her to support her in jot forgetting her things, and try not make her feel like you are doing her a favour by looking after her. It's not her fault that you are now caring for her.

BarbarianMum · 15/01/2019 18:39

Ds1 was like this due to having his head in a cloud half the time. After he'd had to pay for a replacement watch and jumper he suddenly got a whole lot better about looking after his stuff. Ds2 only had to replace 1 watch.

sparklepops123 · 15/01/2019 18:45

First of all I'll say , heads up to you taking her on as yours, not everybody would. 💐
First yr in yr 7 my ds lost loads - inc shoes 🤨and to be honest the school doesn't provide lockers and they're expected to carry loads around with them- general bag (full of books and pack up) - 2 X week pe kit / home economics ingredients.
Just a case of every morning drum it into her , touch wood my ds is doing ok so far ...

mumsastudent · 15/01/2019 18:48

may be not using all Christmas money but a substantial amount towards it for essential uniform/stuff than see if it makes a difference. Some dc are careless & teaching them that things cost is not a bad idea - state next time she losses something she will have to pay more (not every parent/carer can afford to replace these items

CurcubitaPepo · 15/01/2019 18:49

My ds was the same in year 7. It does settle down in time. One jacket got returned from Lost property a year later, some stuff has never reappeared. I even drove back to school one evening as he realised he’d left his pe kit in the classroom he was last in. Fortunately, it was there.

Anything gets lost now and he’ll be paying for it.

A friends son at the same school is being bullied in this way tho.

sparklepops123 · 15/01/2019 18:53

Aah yes he also lost his school iPad - that I had to track down 🙄

makingmammaries · 15/01/2019 18:53

We had similar. I made DS put anything he took off straight into his bag or attach it to the bag straps. He stopped losing stuff after that.

MadMum101 · 15/01/2019 19:23

The thing that stood out from your post is losing the school bag. 3 of my DC have been buggers for losing stuff, one in particular lost two complete PE kits including trainers in the first term of Yr 7 which turned up at the end of the year, but never have they 'lost' a complete school bags.

That is what concerns me about bullying, that someone is targeting her to take her stuff. She may not be aware.

Is the school bag a compulsory type of the same design or can they take any one?

I would definitely talk to the school to raise a concern that she may be being targeted.

Also a bit concerning was your comment about her mother being shit but she's with you now with a better home life and you don't want to make allowances for her. You do understand that abuse and neglect permanently affect a child's brain and she will suffer for it throughout her life? Just being removed from her mother, no matter how shit she was, will have lasting effects. It will not be erased just because she's in a different environment. Please bear that in mind. Did SS offer any aftercare in terms of therapy for her?

MadMum101 · 15/01/2019 19:25

And just to add you should rightly be proud of yourself and her. You've done a selfless thing .

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorks · 15/01/2019 19:26

Madmum

You have taken that comment in the completely wrong way.

OP posts:

CraftyGin · 15/01/2019 19:27

Does she have ADHD? Losing things is often a sign.

Is all her stuff named?

GreatestShowUnicorn · 15/01/2019 19:37

A few things you say male or sound like she’s hard a tough start. Does she have attachment issues? Lack of memory can be a symptom.

RandomMess · 15/01/2019 19:42

I would as there aren't any SEN issues contributing to her carelessness.

It will either have an impact on her or not but at least you will know....

Some DC do need to learn the hard £ way unfortunately.

Rubusfruticosus · 15/01/2019 19:42

My DS lost uniform and I made him replace it from the second hand uniform pool. I gave him what it was going to cost and he had to go and find suitable replacements himself.

TedAndLola · 15/01/2019 19:50

You have taken that comment in the completely wrong way.

It seems pretty clear to me that Madmum took it in the right way. It wasn't ambiguous at all. If you meant something else, maybe clarify?

Ohnoiprocrastinatedtoomuch · 15/01/2019 19:56

My son has ADHD and is always losing things. Even the school raised it. They looked into bullying and my (very verbal) teen says mostly he’s just losing things. He ran for a bus once and some of his pe kit fell. He didn’t stop to pick it up.

Having said that, he was being bullied when he first started secondary - I strongly believe he sometimes deliberately ‘lost’ his school bag when he found the work overwhelming.

I guess you know best whether this is out of character or not. But the start of secondary school was very challenging for him - the level of organisation required - getting from
A to B class with everything he needed just overwhelmed him.

You have my sympathies. I’ve just had to replace school shoes (after the school said he’d be excluded unless he ditched his black trainers) and it’s properly fucked up my finances this month 😬😬 - is have made him pay for it but I’ve already borrowed his Xmas money.

Good luck with it :)

RachelRosie · 15/01/2019 20:12

I used to work in a Secondary School reception and some students do honestly loose that amount of stuff. Normally expecting the staff to find it for them.

We had a few parents, who at their wits end, made their children to use their money for lost items. They only need to do it once, as said children suddenly became more careful.

I think by Year 7 it is completely acceptable.

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