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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Why do families/partners of deadbeat dads (lets face it) do nothing?

55 replies

WobbleBottomBum · 14/01/2019 22:14

Awful, abusive ex is getting married. He has done sod all for his child for 15 years. How can you marry someone with that knowledge? He even moved abroad partly to avoid paying child support. A couple of times he has (literally) played Disney dad but after that lost interest. His parents had DC over a few times (abroad) and send the occasional what's app.

I have never restricted access or said anything negative to DC about ex.

AIBU to fail to understand how you can hang out, barbecue, chill with your son, knowing full well that he has a child he does nothing for and never sees. He may say 'oh, I'm not allowed' but you have full knowledge that the mother has never restricted access.

How could you marry such a man with the knowledge that he pays nothing for his child. You know the household budget. He may bring out that old chestnut 'oh, my ex is crazy' but surely that even would make you want to provide some stability then for the child.

AIBU to completely fail to even begin to understand how the families of deadbeat parents turn a blind eye?

OP posts:
SoftlyCatchyMonkey1 · 14/01/2019 22:17

Willfull ignorance I expect, people believe what they want to believe

WorraLiberty · 14/01/2019 22:20

WRT the families, they can't force an adult to take responsibility and I suppose they're not going to go NC as they love their offspring.

No idea why other women marry or have kids with them though, like they're going to change?

Didsomeonesaybunny · 14/01/2019 22:25

OP those are my sentiments exactly. Ex left me when I was pregnant with his baby. New woman knows he’s just upped and left and whilst I suspect he has told her complete lies (he is compulsive) I still don’t understand how the new woman finds this acceptable because surely it is evidence of what a shit he is.

I’ve also had issues with maintenance - she also knows this and doesn’t bat an eyelid because all she’s concerned with is flash holidays, expensive jewellery and cocktails. It’s rather sickening really.

YANBU

WofflingOn · 14/01/2019 22:28

So many women seem to fear living alone that any man is better than none. Others think they are special, different and The One who will change him. Others believe the propaganda he tells them, and believe the ex is a bitch. There must be many more reasons, but those three are the ones I encounter most often.

Bumblebee39 · 14/01/2019 22:28

My ex told me he was paying maintenance and his ex was being disruptive with contact. By the time the truth started to become apparent I was pregnant myself. His parents never said anything to me or his other friends and family.

Eventually it all began to cone out but only once he had destroyed my life. I think I want to believe the best in people but I will not be so naive again.

BarbarianMum · 14/01/2019 22:30

Wrt families, they may not want a toxic father to have too much contact - and, of course, the men lie to their families aout access, maintenance, contact.

theWarOnPeace · 14/01/2019 22:32

I have had lots of fallouts with people over the years over this. I can’t even sit in the same room as someone who ditches their kid, it quite literally turns my stomach and I have zero respect for anyone who doesn’t support their own child. That includes any behaviour that is detrimental to the mother of said child, intentionally losing a job to avoid payments, having a new family and then not being able to afford first kid +++ and any other lame actions. About 12 years ago, my now DH had a massive argument with his friend who was not doing enough for his child, who he was still seeing but not doing much for, so my DH pulled him up on it and the friend was furious. Lo and behold, all these years later and he doesn’t see the kid for years at a time, has never paid a penny, and she calls someone else ‘daddy’. That friend and my DH still don’t speak but have mutual friends. My DH is the biggest softie ever and is very easy to forgive and forget. Not this guy though, anyone who asks if they’ve reconciled yet, my husband just says something like “well no, has he started taking responsibility for his poor fucking child yet??”. It’s the one thing that seems to tip him over, and he never experienced this himself so I’m not sure why it touches such a deep nerve. With our kids, if he’s told them he’ll do something, he will make it happen under almost any circumstances, as he has a deep fear of letting them down and/or them feeling insecure. Re: the abandonment physically and financially of a child: they should be vilified by their community and hounded by the government for money, and have their duties enforced. The amount of single mums who have absolutely no choice but to rely on benefits (not at all bashing!!) who have an ex that has opted out of paying or doing must cost the government a fortune. Why is it not a crime to abandon responsibility of a child? We know who these men are, so why are they allowed to make the choice to leave a woman and child/children high and dry??

AnneElliott · 14/01/2019 22:35

I agree with you op - I often wonder this myself. Much as I love DS, I wouldn't invite his mistress to Christmas lunch while his pregnant wife sat at home (my friends mil did this).

I think it needs to be much more socially unacceptable to not support your kids. Maybe we need a campaign- like the way drink driving gradually became unacceptable.

Jimdandy · 14/01/2019 22:37

I get what you are saying, and it’s not applicable to me (mine are 5 and 3) but they’re my children and I would love them and be there for them no matter what they do. (I would make my opinion clear though, should they do this).

Totally get it about new girlfriends and boyfriends though.

But parents it’s different, my love for my children is unconditional.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 14/01/2019 22:43

Often wonder this. My Ex's family are very much the reason he is how he is. His mum fell out with him about their own issues but then fell out with me as i'd kicked him out for the same reasons Confused

His new partner (from what I can tell) is lovely and I know for a fact is a very intelligent lady but may be that only applies academically and emotionally she's got a block. I know he minimises me and often tells me I'm imagining things that have happened but she must see a bit. Plus he's diabolical to live with so can only imagine she's just as bad or ridiculously tolerant.

Wrt to our DD...I think they like making out their amazing when they do see her but ate more than happy to have their freedom the other 6 days a week.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 14/01/2019 22:51

*they're

AnotherNewName1 · 14/01/2019 22:51

Someone in my husband's family impregnated and abandoned a girl and their child when they were teens.

His parents encouraged it Angry, his grandparents are in denial 😒, and his wife? No freaking clue cuz we don't talk to them. She might not even know. 😐

Hamandcrispsandwich · 14/01/2019 22:59

My dad left my mum when she was pregnant with me. He saw me the day I was born and once when I was 3.
When he left my pregnant mum, he got another woman pregnant. He left her when she was pregnant with his DD.
When he left her, he went and got another woman pregnant. Saw his DS once.

He moved and married a woman with 3 kids. He raised another mans 3 children whilst he had 3 children he had seen less than 5 times.
He messaged me on social media once informing me of all this. He messaged his other DC and told them as well.

It makes me awfully angry when I think of it. Vile excuse of a man!

Singlenotsingle · 14/01/2019 23:05

My Ex left when DS was 20 months and we never heard from him again. No birthday card, no present, nothing at Christmas. No money. Nothing, ever. Bastard.

Mumsyof3boys · 14/01/2019 23:09

My ex is the same. Sees my DS once a month, doesn't see his DD to another woman at all, Just got married and always posting photos of his step children 🙈 His mum is always posting on FB how amazing he is etc 🤣 it baffles me but thankfully my DS is starting to see him for what he is 😁

Letsmoveondude · 14/01/2019 23:23

I split up with my ex when it became apparent he was not trying to be a father, he had no interest in taking care of our daughter. He has done some fucking awful things, and is out of DD and my life. But not before he did as much damage as he could. Funnily enough most of his friendship group don’t know about him having children (one with me, another subsequent child) and all of his family blame me, for apparently not giving him a chance, he had chances but fucked them up continually.

Original poster
WobbleBottomBum · 15/01/2019 05:43

@Letsmoveondude

These bloody 'chances'.
Doesn't the fact that he has X2 children he takes no responsibility for tell you something about his approach to relationships?

I'm not saying people who split up with partners are bad. Only that it should give one an insight into the attitudes they bring to a relationship if they can't do something like give a shit about their own actual child enough to get off their arse and be a parent.

OP posts:
Quarepants · 15/01/2019 05:58

See the current thread on whether you would report your child to the police for rape or murder!

If parents are not willing to do that then what's a lack of responsibility towards a partner or children?

Pachyderm1 · 15/01/2019 06:53

I think these men fool their new partners, just like the fooled the mother of their kids. The new partners will eventually wake up to the truth.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 15/01/2019 06:59

I have a brother who is the argument for forced sterilisation, every where he goes he leaves a kid and often a trail of destruction behind.

I have a relationship with his older children, they’ve been know him and they have been through some shit because of him. I send them money and talk on the phone.

I only know one mother of one his younger children. She invited the family to have contact and seems a reasonable person. In the end I decided not to go for contact. She has what looks like a lovely partner who has been there since her child was born, I know Facebook can distort the truth but they look like a nice and normal stable family. Even if it’s not as good as Facebook is making out, it can not be worse than my dysfunctional family and the last thing the child needs is my brother sniffing about.

I don’t have much to do with my brother but other family members do. I don’t know how they can stomach it.

Thisonewilldo · 15/01/2019 07:08

Well the man probably spins a load of lies and the new woman believes them.

Or she knows the truth but thinks that it won't happen to her because he 'really' loves her and his ex was just a cow anyway.

Or the new woman is fine with it because she can't be arsed dealing with step kids.

Bugsymalonemumof2 · 15/01/2019 07:11

If you were to meet my exes mum you could understand why my ex is who he is. He can do no wrong in her eyes. He can admit 46 serious allegations of assault and it is still my fault 🙄

As for his girlfriend, she slept with him in my bed when our 3 week old was in hospital dangerously poorly so she is just clearly devoid of morals

chipsnmayo · 15/01/2019 07:17

I moved all the way to bloody New Zealand when I was pregnant to be with my ex (a Kiwi). Only for my ex had an affair and was a workaholic, be a total waste of space as a dad.

We split when DD was 18 months, moved onto a new woman and within a year they were married. By the time DD was 4 he had visited DD about 8 times. He did not even care when I moved back to the UK with DD. I thought well he makes no effort I may as well move back home. Sent him a few letters but he never replied Hmm that was 15 years ago. DD is 20 and does not want anything to do with him, which is understandable.

AFAIK ex had two kids by his wife, but walked out on them when they were young too.

He disowned his own family long before I came along, I tried to instigate contact but his parent's never seemed that interested, they use to send Christmas cards but that stopped years ago. His sister is alright though, she makes effort with DD (visited us when she was in the UK) and does post presents.

AlsoBling2 · 15/01/2019 07:27

It's a running joke that if my brother and his wife divorced we would all stay closer to her because he can be a right wanker. So I get what you are saying. I think for parents it's hard because of the love they feel for their children. A friends dh got a woman pregnant and refused to step up (before he met her). His parents stayed in touch with the woman and child and sent money for years but didn't challenge him because he was so determined to have nothing yo do with it. I always felt very sorry for them.

I do find it odd that extended friends or family don't say anything. I see kids at d's school whose mum's are tearing their hair out because their exes see the kids only once a month and I wonder doesn't anyone else notice? Dh old school friend what's app group is taken up at least some of the time with pictures and boasting of their respective.kids. doesn't this happen for others?!

TheBigBangRocks · 15/01/2019 07:28

Because they lie sometimes, others have no morals, it's no longer seen as shameful to not provide for a chid.

With regards to taking them as a new partner, they want the person and don't care about the rest or the effects it has on others. Very common to see a partner put first over children.