Why do families/partners of deadbeat dads (lets face it) do nothing?

[WobbleBottomBum]

Awful, abusive ex is getting married. He has done sod all for his child for 15 years. How can you marry someone with that knowledge? He even moved abroad partly to avoid paying child support. A couple of times he has (literally) played Disney dad but after that lost interest. His parents had DC over a few times (abroad) and send the occasional what's app.

I have never restricted access or said anything negative to DC about ex.

AIBU to fail to understand how you can hang out, barbecue, chill with your son, knowing full well that he has a child he does nothing for and never sees. He may say 'oh, I'm not allowed' but you have full knowledge that the mother has never restricted access.

How could you marry such a man with the knowledge that he pays nothing for his child. You know the household budget. He may bring out that old chestnut 'oh, my ex is crazy' but surely that even would make you want to provide some stability then for the child.

AIBU to completely fail to even begin to understand how the families of deadbeat parents turn a blind eye?

Well, they are the people that made him. He learnt how to behave from his parents. What do you expect?

ExHs family told me it was because theyre supporting his choice to have nothing to do with our DC... But carry on driving him around to collect and drop off his teenage DC And have the nerve to slate me on social media But I have screenshots of their messages (in case he ever tries to take to me to court and make out like I’ve obstructed contact.)

They get away with it by talking bull shit Oh poor me and blame their evil ex.
I do not understand it. Dsis DH has 2DC from 2 different ex partners, he pays monthly maintenance but does not see them, not even a Christmas card.
Myself and Dsis had many a disagreement, I can't get my head around how blinkered she is.
She is the wife they have a child all is fabulous, yet the 2 other DC are abandoned.
I went to school with the 2nd DC mam I see her often.

Oh these bloody men. So many of them. Maybe the question should be why do so many of us allow ourselves to be treated in this disgusting fashion by such pigs? They move from free bed and board, on to the next one, impregnating like cuckoos, and are welcomed, it will be different for me. It won't be different. We choose these amoral bastards and we need to stop letting them use us and our children in this way.

Because they buy into the 'greedy ex wife' and 'benefit-grabbing single mum' stereotypes as well as pretend that 'there must be more to it' and 'you don't know what goes on behind closed doors'.

Essentially, it's easier to pretend it's the ex's fault than it is to accept your own standards are so low you are happy to be with someone of this ilk and/or challenge yourself for bringing up someone capable of abandoning a child.

From a personal perspective:
My brother has a DC who we all last saw when he was 2 years old - he is a teenager now. The break up was bad my brother left fir another woman who was also expecting his baby at the time.

My bro literally dropped his DC like a stone in favour of this new woman and baby, he has never, to my knowledge, had a single thing to do with that child again which is so sad because he loved his dad so much.

We (my parents and I) also loved that DC but when my brother left his ex decided she wantsd nothing to do with us. She still wanted my brother, stalked him, would show up demanding to know where he was etc. She would send back gifts and cards that we sent. She decided that somehow all of the problems were the fault of my mother and I (how I don't know) and so we were never allowed to see that child again.

My brother is still my brother, he is a useless waster of a man but what else coukd we do but welcome his new family into the fold, that other baby is my nephew too. How does it benefit the new DC for us to cut off my brother?

It's just all shit frankly.

You have only to look at the relationships board here to see why. Some people have very low standards. They'd rather be with a twat than no one, indulge twats with chances. Basically they have a fear of being alone.

I would never date someone with a child as quite honestly i don't want the baggage of someone elses kid, whether they pay/see the kid or not.

He lies. They believe it. Believing the lies means they don't have to take a stand. Not taking a stand makes their life easier.

Every day you can read threads here where people will tolerate the most appalling behaviour even when it directly affects them and the excuse is usually "I don't like confrontation" or "They'd be angry. The fallout would be awful."

I was the same when single and childfree, Almost.

My middle daughter's dad told all subsequent partners (most with DC of there own) that I'm a complete nutjob who refuses him access.

"My crazy ex" is just part of the script.

If it was my DBro I would NOT support his choice to abandoned his DC. thankfully he loves them more than life
I would keep contact and support the DC. If the DM didn't want to I would understand but do my best to stay in their life.
DP owns only our DC. I wouldn't believe a man who said he abandoned his DC because it was her fault, no one could stop me seeing my DC.

I've increasingly noticed that people who behave badly lie to cover themselves. In all sorts of situations. I expect some of them grow to believe their own lies too.

@Yearofthemum exactly some are incredibly good liars.
My ex once asked me (whilst tearing up) for a loan of some money so he could meet his Child maintenance payment one month because he was scared it would go against him in court (he used to be on the phone to his solicitor a lot about how his ex was not meeting the contact arrangements)

Only there was no court case, there was no child maintenance I don't think. But seeing a grown man cry was kind of shocking (not so shocking now I know he was a pathologically lying man child)
I wanted him to see his kids and wanted my kids to know their siblings. So I did what I could.

Can't believe how gullible I was. I took money off my kids for his other kids and had no idea really he was using it as "pretend wages" because his job was a lie too.
I think I've always taken people on their word unless I've seen evidence to the contrary. It took a while for all his lies to come out (I still don't know the full truth, but I have seen his true colours and don't think there was one grain of decency to the man)

God knows what he's telling his new woman (if he has one) but I can only hope she's not as gullible as me and doesn't give him another set of kids to abandon.

can I ask, thisonewilldo if you offered your SIL any support? I understand why you would send presents for the child but did you ever offer to support her emotionally? Or simply tell her you don't agree with your brother's actions and want to do whatever is necessary to maintain contact with your nephew? Did you ever tell your DB what you think of him? Did you ever make it difficult to be around you because of what you thought? Did you ever mention your other nephew in his presence and wonder out loud how he was doing? Have you ever discussed with his new partner what she thinks of him abandoning his other child? Have you called him out on his behaviour at all?

My alcoholic cousin has largely abandoned his daughter. His ex wants nothing to do with our side of the family. I don't blame her. I'm not going to chase her down for a relationship. She wants to detach.

The long answer: in the eyes of my ex in-laws I will always be worse than their son (despite him being abusive) because I was the one who left and therefore I’m awful and selfish for “depriving” our children of their father.

The short answer: if it isn’t the son’s fault in any way it can’t reflect badly on them.

As for women who accept these sorry excuses for men who don’t take care of their children, I wonder if a lot of it is self esteem related? My ex seems to have a talent for sensing vulnerability and exploiting it for his own gain. I think anyone who’s utterly confident and secure and knows their own worth wouldn’t be in a relationship with a loser who doesn’t take care of their children.

Ohreallyohreallyoh

I wrote a big long answer but it seems to have disappeared!

The gist of it was yes to all - his ex hates us for no apparent reason. No doubt he spun her crap about us - any attempt at contact has resulted in pure abuse.

Ultimatley though I love my brother but we are not close. He doesn't listen to anyone, far less me. If I were to cut him off it would just result in another nephew I don't see.

I have my own life and family - it isn't up to me to be responsible for what he does with his as a grown man.

@Thisonewilldo

I think it would be worth sending her a card. A lot is said in anger and grief.

Hi Kate,
I just wanted to get in contact and let you know that me dh and dc are thinking of you and little Bobby and hope you are well. I've sent you these flowers and I hope you like them. We are on 07777777789 if you want to add us on WhatsApp and we can exchange photos. Take care
This one will do

I wouldn't even know where she is to be honest I know she moved but don't know where to. This was all 12 years ago. She doesn't even know that I have kids etc.

To be fair my ex is so abusive I am not intending to have contact with that side of DCs family now as it would just be opening a door for him to effect me and DCs life again. I think sometimes that's the reason people shut off, it's a shame but it's something I've been advised to do as as much as he was abusive to me, he is abusive and manipulative to his family too.

I think sometimes parents end up scared of their grown man children and just feel incapable of challenging them. Often they have not been treated well by their sons themselves and so are scared of losing them and/ or conflict.

My deadbeat ex (no contact, no maintenance ever) had a mother who was totally toxic and a contributor to the breakdown of our relationship.
She would never advocate for our children and I'd put money on her actively encouraging him to stop contact and not to pay maintenance.
His father was weak and ineffectual and I don't think ever expressed an opinion.

Hi OP

We've removed the post that contained your phone number. Mumsnet is a public forum, accessible to all - we do think that this sort of thing is best shared by PM.

Folks on the thread, please do be cautious when heading off-site. We can never vouch for anyone, so we'll leave it with you.

Sorry for hijacking your thread, OP.

Cos love is blind 🙄

Oh, I have no doubt my exh has a full background of how crazy I am, how I stop him seeing his daughter, how I’m soooo controlling and it’s all about the money. I can see how a new partner would buy that. His new partner did. Hook, line and sinker. Until they moved in together, she saw him for what he really is and left him. Then she messaged me to apologise for believing all the shit he’d told her about me.

As for his family, I’m unsure. We were together 10 years. They knew me well. His Mum has barely said a full sentence to me in the 6 years we’ve been separated. She supports him, even telling the CMS she was supporting him when he was out of work so he didn’t have to claim benefits and have CMS deducted (he was working cash in hand at the time). About a year ago she had a post on Facebook about grandparents alienationand saying she missed seeing DD... I posted a copy of the private message I’d sent her previously stating that while DD wasn’t seeing her Dad I’d never stop Gran seeing her and she could contact me direct to arrange anytime, to which she’d never replied. Silly woman. Alienated herself.