DM stopping helping with money

[namechange898]

The title is a bit misleading but couldn't think of anything other way to put it - I've also NC for this.

I'm a young mum (teen), but I've always been self sufficient with my DP. Run our own home, pay our own bills, never ask for money off anyone and manage no matter the circumstances.

I started driving lessons a while ago (about a year and a half - I'm slow!). DM offered to send me a (two digit) sum of money every month towards my driving lessons as she was very empathetic towards the fact I budget tightly for our family and that she earns a lot more than me with a lot less bills. I was reluctant to take the money from her but we have a really close relationship so I did, and I was unbelievably grateful for her help towards my driving as it's very important to me.

Her phone has been breaking for the past year. She complains about it a lot. Every time she complains about it, I tell her to get a new, cheap one (she can afford it, she just spends her money on other stuff!) as it'd make life easier for her, but she tells me that there's other stuff she prefers to buy and doesn't like material stuff (she buys crystals and spiritual stuff!)

She's gone on a big rant about her phone tonight. I pleasantly reminded her she should just get a new one, I say it more in a way that she can spend money on stuff like that too and still spiritual stuff - and she completely snapped at me. Told me she's not paying for anything towards my driving or anything anymore because I'm ungrateful as it's one too many times I've suggested her to get a new phone when she complains?

I was a bit staggered for words - if she was skint and helping then I'd completely understand how it'd be ungrateful for me, but I know her wages and hours (as I helped get her the jobs) and she shares exactly how much she has left with me (I get it's weird for some people but we are really close as I grew up just me and her!) and she does bring in a lot more than me with less rent, no nursery charges, and just her own mouth to feed.

AIBU to think this was unreasonable of her? Or was I in the wrong for saying she should buy a new, cheap phone that actually works? if I knew she did want to buy a phone I wouldn't accept any money off her or would've accepted it and gone out and got her one!

Perhaps you could have used the money she gave you to buy her one and told her it was a gift?

It's not unreasonable of her to stop giving you money at any time for any reason (or no reason).
It sounds like she is fed up of you going on at her and that she thinks you are criticising her spending choices. So she's chosen to make different ones ie not helping you.

@RedSkyLastNight yes, that's why the title was misleading - completely agree that she's in no way obligated to give me money or it would be unreasonable for her to stop at any time - it was just the reaction and making me feel bad when I thought I'd been nothing but overly grateful for the help she puts in!

She probably just over reacted, everyone does at times. She had already stated she does not want to buy a phone although she complains she may not have realised just how much she complains. Let the dust settle.

Sounds like she was looking for an excuse to stop giving you money.

Sounds like an over reaction on her part but to be honest she's a grown up she knows she can buy a new phone if she wants to but for whatever reason she doesn't. In your shoes I would have just done a sympathetic "oh how annoying" whilst inwardly eye rolling.

I suppose all you can do is be grateful for the money you have had so far and get on with paying for lessons yourself. I suppose you can't expect a regular amount indefinitely. Maybe she wasn't expecting to still be paying 18 months on and is a bit annoyed?

You really should have backed off about the phone

You had said it a few times and for reasons known only to her - she doesn’t want to sort her phone. So you should have left her to it.

@cowfacemonkey she's only been helping for the past 4-5 months! I paid for all of them prior to that.

Why keep going on about the phone?! I'd find it annoying. You seem overly obsessed with your mums finances too - maybe try and take a step back.

You do seem very money oriented and clearly aren't self sufficient if taking money every month from your mum. She needs to stop oversharing though re salary etc as it's none of your business what she earns and how she spends it,

Maybe now she'll treat herself to a new phone and you can fund your own lessons with a few extra work hours.

You were getting on her nerves, and she snapped. It will blow over. Also, she probably thought you'd have learnt to drive by now.

@MediocrePenguin I didn't see myself as going on about it! It's just whenever she goes into a rant about it and how awful it is and starts coming over to show me how much it doesn't work, I'll say 'buy a new one then'. On the odd occasion I've tried to help by advising her on some shops that do cheap second hand ones! I wouldn't see myself as going on about it or telling her what to do with her finances at all.

Easy to be slow with driving lessons when you're not paying. 18 months is taking the piss, unless it's literally 1 lesson per month, in which case you're just wasting time.

These things are all relative but she doesn’t sound financially comfortable at all- just a bit better off than you. On that basis I agree she probably didn’t anticipate it taking so long for you to learn to drive and is a bit fed up when you then chivvy her about her phone.

Apologise and reassure her than you will find a way to finance any more lessons.

Yes, just to reiterate again for everyone's comments - she's only been helping towards them for 4/5 months. I paid for them beforehand and still pay for half now. @joanmcc it has been 1/2 a month at some points as you can imagine money is tight being a young mum but it's still something that's important to me so I've put as much in as I can

Maybe she's just having a bad day. She should stop moaning about the phone if she's not going to do anything about it. If it were me I'd eat humble pie and apologise for suggesting she buy a new phone even though she probably should get one and that you didn't mean to upset her. Then give her time to calm down. Don't mention anything about the money though. She may come round. I've snapped at my teen DD before when I'm stressed and said things about not paying for her phone/car/whatever, then realise I overreacted and carry on paying as I hadn't really meant what I said.

Are you "self sufficient" if you were expected money from your mum to help with your monthly expenditure?

@joanmcc and for context, she's paid for about 10-15% of the lessons I've had so don't think your comment was fair about why I've been slow!

Are you a teen teen or an adult teen (18+) either way I think your mum is perfectly in her right to stop giving you money for driving lessons

@Rosehip10 that's the thing - I don't expect money off her! I was very reluctant when she decided she wanted to start sending money over to me towards my driving but she was so persistent. I've never asked for anything off her and it's something I'm completely grateful for (her wanting to help with driving), not something I expect!!!

Why do you keep re-iterating that you are a "young mum" btw? Is this relevant?

You obviously do expect money off her..

It's very annoying to listen to someone moaning over and over about a problem that is easily solved by doing something they can easily do. The OP was quite right to tell her mother to buy a phone, and the mother is wrong to expect anyone to listen to her moaning.

@NOTthepinkranger adult teen. Yes, the title wasn't exactly right. That's completely not unreasonable. It was more I thought her reaction and snapping at me was unreasonable!

If you never wanted it, then don’t make a big deal about the end of the arrangement.

Thank your mum for what she did contribute and move on