DM stopping helping with money

[namechange898]

The title is a bit misleading but couldn't think of anything other way to put it - I've also NC for this.

I'm a young mum (teen), but I've always been self sufficient with my DP. Run our own home, pay our own bills, never ask for money off anyone and manage no matter the circumstances.

I started driving lessons a while ago (about a year and a half - I'm slow!). DM offered to send me a (two digit) sum of money every month towards my driving lessons as she was very empathetic towards the fact I budget tightly for our family and that she earns a lot more than me with a lot less bills. I was reluctant to take the money from her but we have a really close relationship so I did, and I was unbelievably grateful for her help towards my driving as it's very important to me.

Her phone has been breaking for the past year. She complains about it a lot. Every time she complains about it, I tell her to get a new, cheap one (she can afford it, she just spends her money on other stuff!) as it'd make life easier for her, but she tells me that there's other stuff she prefers to buy and doesn't like material stuff (she buys crystals and spiritual stuff!)

She's gone on a big rant about her phone tonight. I pleasantly reminded her she should just get a new one, I say it more in a way that she can spend money on stuff like that too and still spiritual stuff - and she completely snapped at me. Told me she's not paying for anything towards my driving or anything anymore because I'm ungrateful as it's one too many times I've suggested her to get a new phone when she complains?

I was a bit staggered for words - if she was skint and helping then I'd completely understand how it'd be ungrateful for me, but I know her wages and hours (as I helped get her the jobs) and she shares exactly how much she has left with me (I get it's weird for some people but we are really close as I grew up just me and her!) and she does bring in a lot more than me with less rent, no nursery charges, and just her own mouth to feed.

AIBU to think this was unreasonable of her? Or was I in the wrong for saying she should buy a new, cheap phone that actually works? if I knew she did want to buy a phone I wouldn't accept any money off her or would've accepted it and gone out and got her one!

Not that much of a young mum then, you should be self sufficient as you said you’re an adult.

With the driving is there anyone who can take you out, learning to drive for me was very much muscle memory and the more I drove the more natural it becomes. 1 to 2 a month will end up with every lesson needing a portion of the lesson being a recap.

@Firesuit thank you! I just feel awful about it. I don't expect money off her in the slightest. I never push her about what to do with her finances, I say it in passing to buy another phone because her complaining about it can go on for 10 minutes at a time when she's in a mood! I've just been left feeling awful and like I've really upset her but don't feel like it was a fair reaction from her at all!

@Propertywoe no, there hasn't been unfortunately - but I'm about 2 lessons from putting in for a test (thank god!) it feels like an eternity but I've got there and I'm proud!

I feel like I put too much emphasis on the money when I was just trying to provide backstory. I'm really not bothered about the money, I'm unbelievably grateful but I don't expect it off anyone and I'm so thankful for her help!!! It's really not a big deal to me.

I've just been left a bit hurt by her snapping and reaction to me. She really snapped and pretty much stormed out of my house - in front of my DS too. It was a shock!

You might be better off saving for a short, intensive course?

@ForaSheepAsALamb I did consider that to start with but never would've had the childcare or options to take time off work, I struggle fitting one in sometimes! But I've got about 2 left before a test now!

She was just wanting you to listen and nod and empathise and not to give her a solution.

But it wasn’t right to snap like that.

Leave it a little.

This sounds like a big overreaction - people have days like that sometimes. I’ve been like that a bit to my DM this evening and I regret it.

Perhaps she’s regretting it and will realise on her own that it was an overreaction. It’s not okay to snap at you as an excuse to stop paying - if she wants to stop paying she should be an adult and say so (not saying that is the reason but it was mentioned by another poster)

I would just leave it for now and maybe apologise for apparently upsetting her and say of course you didn’t mean to but it seemed like a sensible suggestion to replace the phone. Hopefully she will apologise for her own weird behaviour too.

Well done on learning to drive btw!

I don’t understand some of the earlier comments. It doesn’t sound like you’re the one who keeps going on about the phone, rather that she is, and i’d find it annoying in your shoes to have to keep listening to her complaining about her phone when there’s such a simple fix and you’ve offered her advice already. I think your Mum should either do something about the phone or stop moaning about it. (And would have told her that with a lot less patience than it sounds like you’ve shown)

She’s obviously reacted bizarrely, but ultimately she can stop giving you money at any point for any reason, so I think i’d just accept that she’s not going to be giving you the money and give her some space to calm down about the phone. (And hopefully apologise for overreacting). It may be that something else is worrying her, or perhaps she’s had some other bills you aren’t aware of, so i’d probably let her calm do

@Cauliflowersqueeze thank you, it's been a long time coming, especially when the area with live in is fairly rural!

So satisfying!

I'm definitely not accepting any money from her at all from now on anyway as I don't want any tension like this or to be told I'm ungrateful when I constantly go on about my gratefulness. I shouldn't have accepted the agreement in the first place looking back now when I was so reluctant!

Don’t know why previous msg posted mid word!

Let her calm down, then ask her about it/ if everything’s ok.

It's very annoying to listen to someone moaning over and over about a problem that is easily solved by doing something they can easily do. The OP was quite right to tell her mother to buy a phone, and the mother is wrong to expect anyone to listen to her moaning

This ^^ a million times this. It is bloody irritating when someone rants and moans repeatedly about something but won't do anything about. My mother's like that with her health, on and on and on. Just go to the fucking doctors then!

OP dont take any money from her anymore so she can't use it as a stick and next time she brings up the phone tell her you're not interested and change the subject.

Good luck with your driving test!

@Honeypickle thank you!!!!

You can get a phone from Tesco that costs £15 per month with no money down. The contract lasts 2 years (or 3 depending on which phone you choose). How can anyone not afford that?

OP your mum sounds like mine. We are nc now. But she would try giving me money and I would say no, she would keep pushing it on me, she didn’t want paying back etc. Then months down the line would throw it back in my face over something. She wouldn’t mention when her and dsd was struggling and I would get paid and give her £500, £800 and never ask for it back. Or when she complained she needed a new coat and boots, I would go out and buy them for her and other bits. I would never expect any of that back or mention it again. But she would hold things over me. I think unless you’ve been in the position it’s hard to understand.

@loubluee yes, that's how I feel sometimes. PP's have suggested I'm not as self-sufficient as I make out because I take money for driving off her for a few months - but I also buy her shopping if she needs stuff when I go, I buy her little decor for her house and crystals which she loves, I buy her lunch or I put her electricity on sometimes if I know she's low on time. Does that make her not self sufficient, or am I just helping her out?

I think your Mum was probably just having a bad day. It sounds like she doesn't manage her money as well as she'd like to and whilst she is happy to help you out, it sounds like she foregoes things for herself. She is well aware she could get a cheaper phone, but hasn't admitted that she cannot afford the one she wants. It's just money stress, it goes both ways and I'm sure it will blow over!

Gl on your driving test! It was the best thing I ever did - I was a young single parent at the time. It made the world of difference to me to get 'wheels' .

Be patient with your Mum x

Your op did give impression she'd been funding you from the start of your driving lessons 18mths ago. I think she was trying to tell you in a roundabout way that she now wanted to stop paying you this money as she needed to buy a new phone. She told you she likes to spend her money on other things so that suggests she doesn't have or feels she doesn't have enough money left to buy a phone and buy her other stuff or she would just buy both.

she buys crystals and spiritual stuff

My house is full of them too. Friends love it.

I can buy my own mobile too. Why are you getting on her case about it? She is an adult. Or do you need her at your beck and call now you have a child?

Doesn't mean I have to buy stuff for my child who is a teenage mum.

That was your choice, to have a child instead of contraception.

Sounds harsh but you are an adult and made your choice.

@cheesemongery thank you x

@Bahhhhhumbug yes, I didn't even think about that until people started commenting on it but it was only from about August and she actually hasn't helped towards it since mid November which is why it was a bit more of a shock!