DM stopping helping with money

[namechange898]

The title is a bit misleading but couldn't think of anything other way to put it - I've also NC for this.

I'm a young mum (teen), but I've always been self sufficient with my DP. Run our own home, pay our own bills, never ask for money off anyone and manage no matter the circumstances.

I started driving lessons a while ago (about a year and a half - I'm slow!). DM offered to send me a (two digit) sum of money every month towards my driving lessons as she was very empathetic towards the fact I budget tightly for our family and that she earns a lot more than me with a lot less bills. I was reluctant to take the money from her but we have a really close relationship so I did, and I was unbelievably grateful for her help towards my driving as it's very important to me.

Her phone has been breaking for the past year. She complains about it a lot. Every time she complains about it, I tell her to get a new, cheap one (she can afford it, she just spends her money on other stuff!) as it'd make life easier for her, but she tells me that there's other stuff she prefers to buy and doesn't like material stuff (she buys crystals and spiritual stuff!)

She's gone on a big rant about her phone tonight. I pleasantly reminded her she should just get a new one, I say it more in a way that she can spend money on stuff like that too and still spiritual stuff - and she completely snapped at me. Told me she's not paying for anything towards my driving or anything anymore because I'm ungrateful as it's one too many times I've suggested her to get a new phone when she complains?

I was a bit staggered for words - if she was skint and helping then I'd completely understand how it'd be ungrateful for me, but I know her wages and hours (as I helped get her the jobs) and she shares exactly how much she has left with me (I get it's weird for some people but we are really close as I grew up just me and her!) and she does bring in a lot more than me with less rent, no nursery charges, and just her own mouth to feed.

AIBU to think this was unreasonable of her? Or was I in the wrong for saying she should buy a new, cheap phone that actually works? if I knew she did want to buy a phone I wouldn't accept any money off her or would've accepted it and gone out and got her one!

Sometimes when people are complaining about things, they just want empathy rather than a solution. Her ranting probably comes from an emotional place which could be anything. The phone might have sentiment (photos she doesn't know how to transfer), she might hate modern reliance on disposable tech, she might not know anything about buying a new phone or she could be scared of tech. Maybe she doesn't have as much disposable money as you think or just dislikes spending money.

She tends to the spiritual and you to the practical and transactional. Neither of these things are wrong. They are part of us all and we change our focus over time.

Just remember that its not always right to jump in with a practical solution to every problem. Sometimes people just want a hug and a moan.

@Iflyaway not really sure how that's relevant but thank you, I'm well aware I made my choice and never once complained. As I've reinstated, my AIBU was about her reaction and not because I expected her money!

It may be that your mum finds it hard learning new technology. Every mobile phone change means learning new ways to use the new phone. Perhaps she just wants her old phone to work so that she doesn’t need to learn how to use a new one? Just a thought...

@LemonTT yes I see everyone's point of someone just wanting a moan and I'll reconsider my reaction next time too. Technology definitely isn't a problem, she has all the apps (Instagram, Snapchat etc) and is more modern than me with it!

My parents offered to contribute towards their grandchildren's activities, presents and my driving lessons. They make promises of paying for it all but actually only contribute a small percentage yet take all the credit.

When I query them not sending promised amounts it gets very awkward. They will moan about lack of funds when really they are wealthy and can easily afford it.

Now I pay for everything myself and do not expect their contributions. It has put me in a difficult position when they let me down. I feel they resent their contributions or they don't feel I'm acting grateful enough or even that I should be more under their thumb and never do anything they don't like as I 'owe' them.

@Froglette16 definitely not that, she's got more social media apps and more up to date with technology than me!

You say you have a close relationship, she is clearly supportive of you and you don't speak of any other big issues.

I would take a deep breath and leave it for today. And when the times comes, calmly explain that you've been grateful for her support thus far but feel it's better if you just get on with paying for your lessons as you have been doing. Quickly get the point across that you love her, you are there for her and whatever it was that upset her, she can talk to you.

That's it.

Grown ups (our parents) have bad days, weeks and even months. We sometimes deal with situations in a way that isn't how we would usually react but sometimes other stresses in the background can play a part.

I wouldn't let this shadow what seems an otherwise good mother-daughter relationship.

@Sprinkles212 yeah, I'm going to leave it a few days, then just try and calmly put my point across. I agree something must be bothering her for a reaction like that.

@Iflyaway

'That was your choice, to have a child instead of contraception.
Sounds harsh but you are an adult and made your choice.'

That doesn't sound harsh, it sounds downright ignorant and judgemental, you know nothing of OP's circumstances or why she has a child. You have a tiny snapshot of her life from an internet forum.

I'm sure she's heard all the 'teenage mum' comments before, but well done for trying to shame a fellow human for their life choices. My guess is you're perfect.

As a parent who is close to the child to adult stage I do occasionally have to remind myself of that. Also your mum giving money short term has nothing to do with being self sufficient. My mum use to send me £20 a month to help me out because it made her feel good, I did not need it (I paid her sky tv/ phone so she was not out of pocket). Good luck with the driving.

Could it be that your mum was hinting for you to buy her a new phone? But going an odd way about it.
A few relatives are like this in our family if they do you a favour or give money even though they claim to not mind when they need something they behave this way and then throw it back at you when you don't get the hint etc. Then say that the person is being ungrateful for not realising

Maybe your mum really wants a new phone and because she thinks by paying for a few driving lessons, then you could perhaps buy her a phone.

Who knows why your mum reacted like that, it wasn't very nice.
Maybe wait for her to cool down for a while.

We have learnt not to accept things that are supposedly gifted to us. Even though we do things in my eyes more than enough for relatives and don't take a funny with other people if it's not appreciated or returned its nice just to do something for someone. However some people are different and are quite bitter and want things back in return despite saying it out loud. Actions speak louder than words.

Try not to stress over it and good luck with your driving lessons.

Good luck with your driving lessons and test. Hopefully your mum will calm down and it was just one of those off moments. Try not to worry, you sound like you are doing just fine in life.

@namechange898 yes I’m the same. Was self sufficient from when I left home at 18 when I was pregnant (moved from mum to dad at 16 because she was so difficult), and as I said I was on a 35k job so I would give her money, I would buy her stuff, etc. But sometimes life happened and I would end up with a bill that right at that moment I couldn’t afford. Yet she had a substantial amount of savings and inheritance etc. But she wouldn’t touch it if she needed it, hence I’d give her money, but if I needed a bill paid would practically force the money down my throat. Wouldn’t then take the money back. However months down the line something unrelated would happen and this money would suddenly become the issue. It was so much hard work.
Yet I have two ds one 18, who’s at university and works part time. He’ll say sometimes mum can I lend £80 and give you back when I’m paid, and i’ll say yes but I never take it off him. Sometimes it can be £300 if I have it spare. But I enjoy giving to my children. I want my children to have what they can, they work hard at school, and obviously the elder works hard in his part time job, they do anything I ask around the home (minus ds14 with his bedroom half the time!!) but they are good kids. They don’t go out hanging around town or anything, they always get their school/uni work down without being reminded. So I enjoy giving to them. I just can’t imaging being my mum and demanding the money back months down the line, or holding it over their heads- I gave you this, so you have to do this, or you won’t get that. It’s just emotionally tiring to be honest.

You seriously need a new driving instructor - they’re taking you for a literal ride!

@Pachyderm1 actually changed about 7 lessons ago because I made no progress with the first!! I think the change is the only reason I'm so close to putting in for my test now!

the way people extrapolate from OPs on mumsnet never fails to make me laugh. based on nothing at all, people are assuming shes annoyed you're taking a while to pass your test, that she OBVIOUSLY doesn't want to give you money anymore and that you are money oriented. Its hilarious how people invent these narratives in their heads.
personally i think your mum just has a cob on and took it out on you. she'll get over it. give her a chance to chill out and then talk to her x

If you can't afford lessons how are you going to afford a car, tax, insurance, MOT, servicing, repairs etc? As a new, going driver even with an old banger your insurance will be more than you're paying for lessons at the moment. Our all seems very short sighted and you're DM is essentially wasting her money, if you pass and can't afford to drive, or will she pay towards that too? If you can afford the expenses of a car you can afford to pay for your own lessons.

I would leave it a few days and just say” I’m sorryI annoyed you mum.”

Sometimes it is better to be the bigger person. Maybe she has other worries and just snapped.

She is probably upset too.

On another note are you able to practice in between lessons because otherwise it might be better to save up and have a couple of months
Of more regular lessons. I see you are sitting your test soon so good luck but if you don’t pass consider this or ask her if you could borrow some money and agree to pay it back within a time frame that way you might be able to have an intense six weeks.

Good luck with your test.🙂

Sometimes people just like a moan and don’t really want a solution , just a sounding board so maybe just let her vent next time and nod in the right places ..
Don’t quite get some of the shitty replies on here but then I shouldn’t be surprised .

Jasper the driving lessons could be helpful to the op in helping her better her life and get her going to a career, so not a waste of time or money.

Lessons are definitely not a waste of time and money.

OP has said she could afford Her lessons herself and that the stopped payments aren't the aibu.

And some.of you have been utterly rude as fuck to the OP. I guess you're all so perfect sitting in your ivory towers, stapling your wrinkles up on your forehead so you don't look like old, bitter, dried up hags who had kids late. At least, that's the impression you give when you're so rude to people. I was nearly 25 when I became a mum, and I'm so glad I got it out of the way because you never know how life will turn out.
I also don't think there's an issue with the lessons going on for some long. Some of us need more time than others. I personally commend someone who puts the extra time in. We have enough dangerous arseholes on the road.

I think shes probably fed up with paying out for your lessons for years on end. Just pay for yourself from now on and get your partner help you as well if they drive. Its now running into hundreds of pounds for your Mum, she probably thought you'd have passed within a couple of months.
Driving lessons are really expensive, if you cant afford it then shelve it for the time being. Maybe driving isn't for you, theres no shame in that.

OP I think you are getting a hard time on here. You have had more than a few judgey harsh comments, yet you have taken them on the chin. Good for you.

I think your mother over reacted. It sounds as if she was having a general moan which you have acknowledged. And you made the not unreasonable suggestion of 'just get a new one'. I am someone who has fallen into this trap over the years. If someone voices a problem, I have offered an opinion or suggestion to right it but I have ruffled feathers. If your mum is into crystals and things then perhaps she is more of a recycling/simpler life/tree hugger type - my SIL would be texting on a couple of coconut shells and hemp string if she could. She actually told me last week that the advancement of phones had ruined the mental telepathy. I was tempted to slap her at that moment thanking she would appreciate the 'hands on' communication but didn't.

I totally get why you posted the parts about being self sufficient. You pay your bills and live within your means. Your mother offered a gift. Where I live, providing you have the cash, it is common for parents to stump up for driving lessons as a 17th or 18th birthday present. Assuming you would have been pregnant or coping with a newborn at this time, it would make sense to learn to drive when things have settled.

As for the above poster giving the patronising lecture on how you won't be able to afford a car - ignore. Driving opens up lots of job possibilities too. But you will know that already.

I would say drop your mum a line, maybe a little thinking of you card, saying thank you for the money you have given towards my driving lessons. I am grateful and the extra lessons have helped. I am sorry I upset you about the phone, it wasn't my intention. Let's meet up for a coffee, you can test me on my highway code' type of thing.

Good luck with your test OP. GOOD LUCK.

Sounds like she has maybe got fed up paying 4/5mths on...