DM stopping helping with money

[namechange898]

The title is a bit misleading but couldn't think of anything other way to put it - I've also NC for this.

I'm a young mum (teen), but I've always been self sufficient with my DP. Run our own home, pay our own bills, never ask for money off anyone and manage no matter the circumstances.

I started driving lessons a while ago (about a year and a half - I'm slow!). DM offered to send me a (two digit) sum of money every month towards my driving lessons as she was very empathetic towards the fact I budget tightly for our family and that she earns a lot more than me with a lot less bills. I was reluctant to take the money from her but we have a really close relationship so I did, and I was unbelievably grateful for her help towards my driving as it's very important to me.

Her phone has been breaking for the past year. She complains about it a lot. Every time she complains about it, I tell her to get a new, cheap one (she can afford it, she just spends her money on other stuff!) as it'd make life easier for her, but she tells me that there's other stuff she prefers to buy and doesn't like material stuff (she buys crystals and spiritual stuff!)

She's gone on a big rant about her phone tonight. I pleasantly reminded her she should just get a new one, I say it more in a way that she can spend money on stuff like that too and still spiritual stuff - and she completely snapped at me. Told me she's not paying for anything towards my driving or anything anymore because I'm ungrateful as it's one too many times I've suggested her to get a new phone when she complains?

I was a bit staggered for words - if she was skint and helping then I'd completely understand how it'd be ungrateful for me, but I know her wages and hours (as I helped get her the jobs) and she shares exactly how much she has left with me (I get it's weird for some people but we are really close as I grew up just me and her!) and she does bring in a lot more than me with less rent, no nursery charges, and just her own mouth to feed.

AIBU to think this was unreasonable of her? Or was I in the wrong for saying she should buy a new, cheap phone that actually works? if I knew she did want to buy a phone I wouldn't accept any money off her or would've accepted it and gone out and got her one!

So now you're saying she actually stopped the payments two months ago?........ err right.

All the posts about OP being an adult, yes I agree but her mother is also an adult and if she's fed up paying towards lessons why not just say this??
Just give it a few days to blow over and good luck on your driving test 🤞🏻

There are clearly a few people on here who just want to have a dig because you are young. It sounds like you are doing really well and handling things very maturely. Some people feel the need to find the negatives in another person to make themselves feel better about their own situation and that is blatantly clear on threads like this. Despite you continually reiterating that this is not about your mum giving or stopping the money a few posters just continue to harp back to it.

Personally I think your mum probably just wanted to have a moan and not be given a solution to her problem and that is okay. Sometimes people just need a vent more than anything. She should not have lost her temper with you and if the money was an issue she should have spoken to you about it like an adult. I would give her a few days and check in. If you come at it from a place of understanding she will be more likely to open up about what her actual issue is. Good luck with your driving test!

Blimey OP, as a PP has said, I think you're getting a ridiculously hard time on here!

It seems to me that you're sad because your Mum shouted at you. I'd be sad too! As others have said, it sounds like your Mum is probably feeling upset/anxious about something else and those feelings just came out in her over-reaction. She's probably feeling upset and embarrassed herself. Obviously I don't know either of you, but from what you've said I would definitely go down the 'oh Mum, I'm sorry, I'm not ungrateful at all and I didn't mean to annoy you, temperamental technology can be really frustrating!' route. (Rather than the 'fine, I'll never take a single penny from you again' approach).

Fwiw I think you sound incredible. I couldn't have kept a houseplant alive in my teens (and didn't learn to drive until I was 30). I am now a very old parent and still get plenty of help from my Mum.

Good luck with your test

In your shoes I would have just done a sympathetic "oh how annoying" whilst inwardly eye rolling.
She clearly doesn't want a solution, she's just going to keep complaining and only wants you to humour her.

If the money is no prob to you, fine.
I expect your Mum will get over her strop and you'll both be fine.

JasperKarat, what a negative outlook you have.
OP maybe can't afford a car now, but hopes she will in the future. And maybe she can afford one now, or soon. How would you know?
Being able to drive could help OP to get employment that involves driving. She could rent a car, now and again, if she wants.

@Singlenotsingle My mum couldn't, she's on state pension of £600pm thanks to RBS screwing up her pension. Don't be so bloody obnoxious and closed minded!!!!!!

OP, as you get older, some days you are grumpy.

I'm 51, I'm through the Menopause but now on HRT. There's days I regret what I haven't done, at other times I'm content. In the pre Menopause stage I had terrible moods.

One day I'm fearful about the future, the next I love the lack of responsibility.

I do a lot for my Grandchildren, that elevates financial pressure for my DD and then she has more money, for her. Most people I know do this, unless their children earn more than them. Your Mum just does it the other way round.

She does just want sympathy, especially if she doesn't have many other people to vent to.

I used to phone my DD and bring up my "piece of shit phone". I eventually got a huawei Honor 7 £120 and a Sim contract. They're brilliant phones.

You can't win on MN (especially if you are a younger Mother). If you don't learn to drive because you can't afford a car, you are short sighted. If you do, then you haven't thought things through and are wasting money that could be put to better use.

Text your Mum something positive, about her Grandchild etc, kiss on the end and it'll blow over.

I've just thought about my Nan.

She slip us a £5 (in the 80's). We were all working etc. When she needed a new sofa/curtains, we'd club together and get her them. We'd redecorate etc. So she'd get it back.

But it gave her a lot of pleasure to give us that £5, or treat us in her local Cafe.

We were all fully independent, regardless. Just as people are, but go to their Mums etc every Sunday for dinner, or Christmas.

Swings and roundabouts.

You were not unreasonable op.
Your mum sounds quite high maintenance.
It's probably a good idea not to accept money from her if it's not given without strings.
You sound like you are making a good job of your own responsibilities. I don't know why everyone is so outraged at the idea of a mum helping her daughter out. That's normal in my experience. But if you give something to someone it should be left at that not come with demands that your daughter never say anything that you disagree with!!

She was probably having a bad day.

But also, she is probably annoyed because you are right. If her phone is not working, she should spend money on a replacement, not on indulgent stuff.

Sounds like she isn't good at prioritising and just grabbed at the driving lessons as some money that could have been used to replace her phone. But if she hadn't paid for driving lessons, she probably still wouldn't have wanted to 'waste' money on a replacement phone.