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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad for my baby

88 replies

Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:20

It's my babies first birthday today and not one relative from his dad's side has bothered to send a card, want to see him or wish him a happy birthday. His dad and I are together so there's no excuse for not reaching out. I know he's only small and wont remember any of this but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

None of them have bothered with him since he was born so AIBU to be feeling hurt by this today, because I should know better by now.

Fwiw DP's other children from previous relationship at least get a bloody card.

His family get on with his ex but don't like me, so take this out on our baby by pretending he doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Jackshouse · 14/01/2019 12:23

Your baby doesn’t know or care so you don’t need to feel sad for him.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:24

That's true, I'm projecting how I feel onto him I think. When you love somebody so much it's hard to accept that one side of their family doesn't care about them

OP posts:
lmusic87 · 14/01/2019 12:25

The good thing is, your baby won't remember.

The bad thing is, you will x

Jackshouse · 14/01/2019 12:25

What are they like with him generally?

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:26

They are totally nonchalant about his existence, only one relative has bothered to meet him and that's only because when they come round they usually want something so only inadvertently see him because he's here.

OP posts:
Mama062019 · 14/01/2019 12:27

IF they cant be bothered to show some respect to you and the little one, then you are better off without them. At the end of the day its their lost and i woudn't waste any energy feeling sad about it.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:29

DP isn't particularly close to any of them himself bar the one that pops round now and then, so he isn't at all surprised by their lack of interest, but he's equally as disheartened as me because they're his family and he's ashamed at the lack of consideration

OP posts:
Helendee · 14/01/2019 12:30

Don’t waste time or energy worrying about them, you and your little boy deserve better. Clear them from your mind and I bet the universe will send you people worthy of your time and affection. I hope your little man has a lovely birthday.

User758172 · 14/01/2019 12:31

Happy Birthday to your little one! BearCake

Hope he has a lovely day!

Don’t let them upset you - honestly, they’re not worth it. I can understand how it stings as my PIL are similarly thoughtless. But your little one has a mum and dad who love him. He’s not really missing out - but they certainly are! And they don’t sound like particularly nice people to ignore a baby’s birthday, so who cares - it’s their loss. Don’t waste another moment of mental energy on them. Enjoy the day and your lovely boy! Smile

Aebj · 14/01/2019 12:32

Happy birthday to your ds. Give him a big hug from us all.
Their loss. Your gain. You don’t need to share him.

User758172 · 14/01/2019 12:36

When you love somebody so much it's hard to accept that one side of their family doesn't care about them

I know how you feel. It used to hurt me terribly too. But now I just don’t care anymore - I feel sorry for them instead, because they’ve missed out enormously.

Their poor behaviour reflects only on them OP, not your boy! Don’t give them any more power over you, power to upset you. Forget them Smile

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:39

Aww thanks you guys :)

Its true I needn't share him. Balls to the lot of them. DP hasn't had a card or present from any of them since he was about six, despite leaving home at 19-20 so that's the type of people they are and it's no great loss to us.

I hate that some people show favouritism among children and find it cruel, but DS is blissfully unaware for the timebeing so I can shield him from the lot of them.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 14/01/2019 12:42

How horrible for you. I agree with the pp's, you need to learn not to care, make no effort with them either, and get out there and make some really good friends who are better than family.

Missingstreetlife · 14/01/2019 12:43

Some people don't do birthdays, but doesn't sound like that here.
Read some threads about vile pil to cheer yourself up! What about the half siblings, are they in touch? Have a lovely day.

ChocolateChipMuffin2016 · 14/01/2019 12:44

I can understand why you feel like you do, I think I would be pretty gutted if I were in your shoes, but PP are right, your DS won't care and they really can all go fuck themselves! They're obviously not nice people and you wouldn't want your DS to associate with them anyway. Hope he has a lovely birthday!

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:45

I don't know why I'm at all surprised in the first place, they showed an equal amount of interest when he had to have emergency surgery at 4 months old. No call to see how it went, no text to ask how he was recovering. Zero.

OP posts:
Justaboy · 14/01/2019 12:45

Well happy birthday babe:-)

Havbe a good 'un!

happynan321 · 14/01/2019 12:46

Just out of interest - did you actually invite them to a birthday tea or similar? I always asked my in-laws over on the day.

ChocolateWombat · 14/01/2019 12:51

I'm sorry you've experienced this. Unfortunately it's likely to be about how they feel about you and not about him - if they don't like you or accept you, they don't feel they can accept him and he's so connected to you, especially whilst so little.

I really wouldn't consider it as a massive insult to him. Relatives are only really interested in babies because of who the parents are, not the baby themselves, if you see what I mean.

I'd speak with your partner about it. Has he done everything he can to integrate you into his family? Is there a significant history which makes this really difficult?

Enjoy the birthday and those who are interested in both yourself and your baby.

Jarveau · 14/01/2019 12:51

I sympathise. You already don't expect anything from them, so train yourself not to think about things like this - that way your little one won't pick up on any negativity as he grows up, and won't even realise there's anything odd about that part of the family being uninvolved.

And happy birthday to a lucky little baby who has parents who love him so much!

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 14/01/2019 12:52

YANBU to be sad about it, because it IS sad - but in the end it is their loss and at least your baby will be well loved by you and his Dad, and your family.

Better off without toxic wankers in his life, I'd say. Happy Birthday Baby! Thanks

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:53

I can't imagine ever being cold towards a baby, the mind boggles.

Next time we're asked for money I'm going to tell DP to say no way, why should he lend anything when they can't be bothered to spend £1 on a card for our son.

One of them came round late last night and my first thought was oh how lovely they've popped in to see DS or bring a card. Nope, they wanted money to bail out another one of their relatives. They knew it was his birthday too.

OP posts:
DistanceCall · 14/01/2019 12:54

You have to accept that your partner's side of the family don't care about your baby. Which is hard, and difficult to understand, but that's the way things are.

Act accordingly. Don't involve your child in activities (like visits, etc.) in which he will realise that they aren't interested in him, and don't bring them up in conversation with your child.

There are plenty of people who will love and care for your child. Make sure that they are part of his life. Blood families can be crap (as in this case) - what matters is your chosen family, ultimately.

Cutesbabasmummy · 14/01/2019 12:54

My in laws are the same. I just think it's their loss. But yeah, it does hurt a bit.

User758172 · 14/01/2019 12:57

@Morningcoffeeee

You’d have to be pretty shitty person not to call and see how a baby is doing after surgery. That’s unbelievable. What a nasty bunch.

Sounds like you’re better off without such unpleasant people around you, to be honest!