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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad for my baby

88 replies

Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:20

It's my babies first birthday today and not one relative from his dad's side has bothered to send a card, want to see him or wish him a happy birthday. His dad and I are together so there's no excuse for not reaching out. I know he's only small and wont remember any of this but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

None of them have bothered with him since he was born so AIBU to be feeling hurt by this today, because I should know better by now.

Fwiw DP's other children from previous relationship at least get a bloody card.

His family get on with his ex but don't like me, so take this out on our baby by pretending he doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:58

No massive backstory to why they don't like me, all were perfectly civil to begin with.

When I fell pregnant his ex (who he co-parents with) took a dislike to DP and I having a baby of our own, jealousy and felt threatened I suspect, and that's when they all went funny.

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Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:02

His mum and siblings were always very close to his ex which I thought was actually quite nice, but as soon as I fell pregnant and she expressed her own feelings about the kids being a blended family, his family followed suit and decided not to bother with DS.

It's sad because there was no animosity whatsoever before he came along.

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pigsDOfly · 14/01/2019 13:03

Yes, this must hurt but if that is how they are then quite honestly he's better off without them in his life.

Surround yourself and your baby with people who bring love and joy to your lives, these people clearly don't so he's really not missing much by their lack of input.

Hope he has a lovely first birthday Cake

User758172 · 14/01/2019 13:05

I really sympathise as I felt like this on my eldest’s birthday too. My PIL don’t act unpleasantly, but they’re not pleasant either. They just don’t care very much. It came as a shock to me initially as I come from such a warm, close family, but if you can accept that that’s the way they are, you can’t change them, and expect absolutely nothing from them, you’ll be much happier in the long run. I tried for years to bring family together but it got me nowhere - you can’t change other people. Especially if they’re shitty people to start with.

Fuck them all and have a lovely day!

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:07

DS is napping at the moment but we have a nice afternoon planned for him. I'm doing a special tea, we've got a lovely cake which we're going to do a cake smash with (I must be mad!), presents and I'm blowing up a load of balloons for him to bomb about in.

We're taking him to build a bear tomorrow to make a birthday bear, then soft play afterwards.

All relatives were aware of the birthday and have always been invited to partake in his life but chose not to bother, I agree it's their loss Smile

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Travis1 · 14/01/2019 13:12

You say DP doesn't really bother with them, do you guys send cards and gifts to other children in his family?

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:14

@Travis1 Yes of course. The coldness towards children in the family is one sided.

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partinor · 14/01/2019 13:16

When your children are at the baby stage, I find how involved relatives are, depends on how good the adult relationships are. No one is going to pop round to see the baby if they don't have a great relationship with your DH. If you want things to change, he needs to make an effort to build adult relationships.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:17

DP isn't close to the adult family members because of a general lack of interest in his life on their part, and the fact they only call when they want something, but that doesn't stop him sending cards and gifts to the other children, nieces and nephews

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partinor · 14/01/2019 13:18

Good that he sends cards and gifts. Does he or did he take an interest in the adults lives?

OrdinarySnowflake · 14/01/2019 13:18

oh that's sad.

Did your DP hand over the money?! If he did, I think you need to have a serious conversation about what 'family' means - if it means in his family, you don't make much effort, then fine, but that goes for everyone. If it means you go out of your way for each other, then that's for everyone.

You need to say that while DS won't know this year, in the future, he will. So if they won't treat him like part of the family, he can't be exposed to them so he doesn't notice - including them not being welcome in your home, and certainly not asking for favours when they can't be polite to your child.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:21

He doesn't have a negative relationship with them, they get on, but he finds that they rarely make the effort to contact him first unless they want something, which has resulted in him not really caring that much so he no longer goes out of his way to make an effort with them, having had very little by the way of his previous efforts reciprocated.

They've been invited to see us and baby lots of times, invited out etc. They never bothered so he's very "meh" about them now.

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Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:25

@partinor he used to make a lot of effort with the adults but whenever they were invited somewhere, checked up on or asked round to ours they couldn't be bothered and made excuses so admittedly he doesn't bother anymore now and has accepted they're not a close family.

@OrdinarySnowflake He does hand over money every couple of month's yes, I'm not always consulted about it either. I actually didn't mind in the slightest as they're his family but my stance has changed now as ive seen no improvement by way of their attitudes to DS. DP is embarrassed that he never sees them unless they want something.

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Handprints2018 · 14/01/2019 13:25

You can't control what they do, only your response.

Tbh, if they are that horrible to ignore a tiny poorly baby then I'd cut them off completely. That's effectively what they've done to you. And your dp hasn't had much from them either from the sounds of it. No presents, no cards, no communication and no money lending. Why Sacrifice your family money and time on bail outs and gifts?

If you do stop it all the sad truth will be cemented because they won't both with any of you.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:28

His mum lives out of the area but travels down occasionally to see her other grandchildren, but never DS.

His father and siblings are all relatively local but don't bother popping in or wanting to meet up unless they want something

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Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:31

I'm quite forgiving so it would have made my day if any of them sent a text, Facebook message or quickly called and at least said "Happy birthday to DS hope he has a nice day!" So it's not as though I care about material things like presents.

I think some of them are cunts a bit crappy but it hasn't stopped me wishing the little ones happy birthday or merry Christmas.

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letsdolunch321 · 14/01/2019 13:34

Personally, I would cut myself & dc off from them.

If they want to see dp for money they can meet him wherever. They certainly would not be welcome in my house.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 13:36

I don't feel they should be welcome here either after their behaviour. I'm happy to say as much to DP who I don't suspect would disagree with my reasoning, but they'd likely use my stance to demonize me further.

We're still owed money from his sister from six months ago that I don't suspect we'll see again.

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letsdolunch321 · 14/01/2019 13:46

With me the loaning of money would be unavailable too. Especially if the money was not repaid.

Lavenderdays · 14/01/2019 13:49

Hi MorningCoffee
I haven't read all the posts on this thread but I am in a similar boat in that we have virtually no extended family (through death and estrangement) - there will be not one birthday card in the post from anyone and this makes me feel sad. To top if off, I haven't really any friends with children my dds age (her first birthday is soon) and with my first dd at least I had a group of friends, so I was able to have a small gathering with tea and cake and finger food for the littlies. It stings. I have felt it with my second child also...her birthdays was more celebrated when she was at pre-school and we could at least hold a party for her.

I'm going to try and make the most of it...not sure what I am going to do yet...any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Baby dd's birthday falls on a typical school day and my other two children will be at school, so I plan to make a birthday cake and sing Happy Birthday etc. Can anyone think of any other little touches that might make it seem a little bit special either for baby or for me? It's tricky when they're one isn't it...but I need to feel better about this, in spite of my waste of space family.

partinor · 14/01/2019 13:53

Okay it sounds like they are just not that interested in family, some people aren't.
But whether people in a family bother about your baby or not, generally has more to do with the adult relationships, rather than how they think about your baby. So try not to see it as about your baby. It is about DH and his family.
By the way my extended family did not bother with me. My mum was the OW and my dad's family ostracised our nuclear family. It was fine for me as I did not know anything different than his family not being bothered. Just don't talk about it in front of your child when they are older, or let them know there are any issues. If they ask, just say the family are not close.
What I am trying to say is this is upsetting for the adults, but as long as you dont make it an issue for your child, they are unlikely to see it as an issue. What is important to your child is having loving parents.

partinor · 14/01/2019 13:55

Lavender You could get a bottle of bubbly for you? For your children cake and balloons are very exciting. Remember young children accept their family as normal. So as long as you do something fun, they will be happy.

AcrossthePond55 · 14/01/2019 13:55

Well, I'm sorry your DH has such shitty relations.

My DH had some similar cousins, we only heard from them when they wanted money. It didn't take food off our table so I would grit my teeth when DH gave it them. Once we had DC of our own I put my foot down with DH, telling him that any spare money needed to go to our family or into savings. We had to have a few 'discussions' regarding 'can't buy love' and 'don't enable' but we got there in the end. You probably need to do the same with your DH. It will be harder if we're talking about immediate family (siblings, parents) as opposed to random cousins, but it still needs to be done.

Oddly enough, we stopped hearing from them after DH told them we 'could no longer afford' to give them money. Although DH was a bit sad to realize that they didn't truly care about him, he also realized we were better off without them.

Justaboy · 14/01/2019 13:56

They all sound like people who you'd be better off without sad to say but i do know some like that always onthe cadge for something, never ever remember anything never bring anything back, grade A arseholes sums them t up to a T ;!

partinor · 14/01/2019 13:57

Lavender If you can, I would do happy birthday with the cake when your two kids get home from school. Also a special tea. That might be chips and fish fingers, just something the kids love.
Could you do something during the day you will enjoy? Maybe something extra nice for lunch?