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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad for my baby

88 replies

Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 12:20

It's my babies first birthday today and not one relative from his dad's side has bothered to send a card, want to see him or wish him a happy birthday. His dad and I are together so there's no excuse for not reaching out. I know he's only small and wont remember any of this but it's the thought that counts, isn't it?

None of them have bothered with him since he was born so AIBU to be feeling hurt by this today, because I should know better by now.

Fwiw DP's other children from previous relationship at least get a bloody card.

His family get on with his ex but don't like me, so take this out on our baby by pretending he doesn't exist.

OP posts:
Hamandcrispsandwich · 14/01/2019 14:01

Happy birthday to your DS. I'm sure he'll have a great day with you!

Just to say, me and my sister were the kids nobody bothered with as children. Mums family haven't sent us a text/card/wished us a merry xmas for as long as we can remember. When one of my mums sisters had her kids (she was the favourite child) she was given endless gifts/cards and both of her children were given 6 figure sums of money for their 18th birthdays. The family go out of their way to visit them too, but never saw us, although we used to live 5 minutes away.

Dads family are the same. Never asked how my sister was when she was hospitalised with a life threatening illness as a child, no cards, messages, visits. Again, only live down the road. My dads parents have 8 grandkids, 6 have been brought cars/given house deposits on their 18th birthday, we didn't even get a card.

We're not fussed. I've been asked for money from them in the past and have just politely said 'I'm sorry, I don't have any available money to spare' and they don't speak to me again. We've always sent cards/gifts/texts to cousins too.

Have a lovely day with DS. Sounds like you have a super fun afternoon planned! Grin

partinor · 14/01/2019 14:02

I don't even know the names of all my half cousins. Bit sad. But what matters is your parents.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 14:03

I'm going to have a word with DP about not lending any more money. Sometimes it's returned in a month or so but sometimes not at all. We're not that well off, no better off than they are.

@Lavenderdays I'm sorry you're in the same position. As much as we rationalise with ourselves that it's their loss it still stings doesn't it Sad

For DS we're doing a cake smash photoshoot at home, I've been dying to do one since before he was born Grin he gets to make a mess, eat some lovely cake and we get some brilliant photos to remember his special day. We're also taking him to build a bear workshop tomorrow because they do a "count your candles" promotion where you only have to pay the age of your child, for them to make the teddy bear (and they get a birthday certificate, get to ring the bell and have their birthday announced to the store) which I thought was really cute.

Soft play is also an option Smile

I'm sure your DD will have a wonderful day as she'll be with you and her siblings. I'm expecting DD1 in April so for DS's next birthday he'll have his little sister to spend it with, which will feel less 'lonely' than this one on his own.

@partinor You raise some good points. It's not as though they're the most family orientated bunch in the first place. Well some are, there's individual cliques in the family but in general they don't all come together to make an effort for anyone.

I'm going to make sure DS is totally oblivious as he grows up. He'll never miss what he never knew and all that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 14:07

@Hamandcrispsandwich I'm sorry to hear that, isn't it appalling how adults can pick and choose which children they care about and bother with. I'll never understand personally but not sure I'd want to. Being cold toward little children isn't within my realms of understanding. I'm glad you don't let it all get to you and you are, clearly, far better off without them! :)

OP posts:
Bluetrews25 · 14/01/2019 14:10

Happy birthday, MiniMorningcoffeeee (or should that be espresso?)Chocolate Bear Star
That first birthday is very special to Mum as it is full of 'this time last year' memories, and I often think it's more of a day for her than for the DC, as it will have been quite an experience to get through, let's not underplay it, especially first time around.
Flowers for MorningCoffeeee too! Hope you both have a lovely day together.

SteamPudding · 14/01/2019 14:14

I can understand why you feel sad, having been in a similar situation. It is hurtful to you, but don't let it spoil your little one's day. Family should acknowledge birthdays and it reflects badly on them when they choose not to.

Having said that, I wouldn't cut them off because, later on, it's not good for your son to see division in the family. I feel a responsibility to send birthday cards to nieces and nephews in spite of our children getting nothing back because that is what aunts and uncles did for us when we were children and now it is our turn to do that for the children in our extended family. If other people don't play the game, there is nothing you can do except try not to let it get you down.

diddl · 14/01/2019 14:15

He shouldn't be loaning/giving money imo.

Unless you've a substantial amount in the bank such that you can wave goodbye to some of it/know that your job is secure.

Harsh, but probably better to know now that they're not interested than him have a relationship & then be dropped.

Do they blame you for the split with the ex/worry about not seeing her child?

Although that doesn't really follow as they could see them on his time?

Eattothebeat · 14/01/2019 14:17

When he’s older send him fake cards from them.

partinor · 14/01/2019 14:20

As a child, I didn't get anything ever from Aunts and Uncles and only from 1 grandparent. I know my parents have said to me as an adult it hurt them and they were very aware of it, but as a child it was fine. My mum made my birthdays and Xmas fun. Although I am now a bit amazed that I didn't even get a card once growing up.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 14:23

They're not able to blame me for the split between DP and the ex as they were over long before I ever clapped eyes on him.

I had some joke Christmas cards from poundland left from over Christmas that said things like "nothing for you dipshit" so maybe I'll save them until his parents/siblings upcoming birthdays Grin

OP posts:
BarbaraRoyale · 14/01/2019 14:30

Don't make him fake cards from them , that's ridiculous . If they can't make the effort it's their loss .

dottybutterfly · 14/01/2019 14:34

Happy birthday to your lo!!
Please don't waste your time worrying about them, I spent way too much time worrying over in-laws and look back and think why the hell did I waste so much time on them!! Please enjoy your day xx

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 14:38

@BarbaraRoyale oh god no I think you misunderstood Shock I have some joke cards here that DM got me a pack of at Christmas. They say "nothing for you dipshit" on them and similar things. I was saying I'll send some to DPs relatives on their birthdays and Christmases. I definitely wouldn't give them to DS (swear words) or give him any card and pretend it's from them for that matter Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 14:39

Thank you to you lovely lot for wishing DS a happy birthday, that has cheered me up!

OP posts:
paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 14/01/2019 14:39

On the plus side, it's one side of the family you don't have to worry about so will help you live a simple life. It would be worse if they were this inconsiderate and obtuse but wanted to be involved for their own gratification. At least this way you don't have to think about them at all.

ShalomJackie · 14/01/2019 14:43

I was in exactly the same position as you.

It used to hurt and now it just "irks" a bit as I have gotten used to it.

My adult DSS gets cards, presents cash etc.

We have been married 18 years and my DS (17) gets nothing still!

We just went low contact a while back and it is more bearable.

Their loss! They will never know what a lovely lad he is.

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 14:46

This is all very true. If I look at it that way they've probably done us a favour. It's better to have absent obnoxious relatives than obnoxious relatives you have to deal with on a regular basis!

I'm expecting baby #2 shortly and I suspect she'll be dealt the same fate, but bollocks to them

OP posts:
BarbaraRoyale · 14/01/2019 14:48

I think we were both posting at the same time morningcoffeeee My post was referring to whoever suggested you pretend to send cards from your DPs relatives
happy birthday to your little boy though !

Evilspiritgin · 14/01/2019 15:14

Do the family bother with your step children ?

Original poster
Morningcoffeeee · 14/01/2019 15:44

Thank you Barbara :)

@Evilspiritgin Yes they do, they don't see them on a daily/weekly basis but they're never forgotten about on their birthdays or Christmases. They do made a conscious effort to visit them

OP posts:
loubluee · 14/01/2019 15:48

My family are like this to my ds’s. It used to upset me, now they wonder why we all don’t bother with them🤷🏻‍♀️

🎈🎈Happy 1st Birthday Little Man🎈🎈

Sephyjune · 14/01/2019 16:01

I'd not send a card for a one year old and probably wouldn't bother with a present either now I think about it - a one year old doesn't know what's going on and won't remember so it's a bit pointless?

tillytrotter1 · 14/01/2019 16:04

Make sure that you thank his half siblings for their kindness in sending cards! They sound lovely.

tillytrotter1 · 14/01/2019 16:05

I'd not send a card for a one year old

That's awful, my 'children' still have all their first birthday cards and the congratulations cards we received. A first birthday is pretty special!

IncomingCannonFire · 14/01/2019 16:17

I'd not send a card for a one year old
This isn't the norm. I have always sent cards and gifts for 1year olds. Family and friends. I have saved both my kids cards so they can look through them when they are older, and I have my own that my mum saved for me.
Back to the OP, dp's family sound like takers and add no value to your lives. No way would I be giving any of them any money.
I wouldn't bother with any grand gestures because you won't change them. Just quietly ghost them. Hopefully your family can make up for their terrible behavior.
Also, don't be surprised if they actually show fawning favour to your girl when she is born. I would not be drawn in by this because it would not be fair on your son.
Best wishes and happy birthday to ds.