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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To kiss my children while they're sleeping

113 replies

HettySunshine · 13/01/2019 21:19

I'm entirely bemused and fairly certain I am not bu but I just want to see what the consensus is.

I was out with a friend today and we were chatting about our dc and sleep and various things and I mentioned that I always look in on mine before I go to bed to make sure they're still under the covers and to give them a kiss.

My friend looked shocked and said I should never kiss my dc while they're sleeping as they have not consented and I'm undermining there body autonomy.

I was a bitConfused but I just moved the conversation on and didn't mention it again.

Does anyone else think IABU to kiss my sleeping children?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratcett · 13/01/2019 22:10

We do this. Dd hates being kissed, especially by dh (she says he’s too prickly of cheek) so the only chance he gets is to creep in when she’s asleep.

She knows we do it and is both amused and mildly irked about it. If dh isn’t careful and wakes her up, he gets punched in the face. Fair’s fair.

This I dont like. I actually think if a child has expressly said they dont like something we shouldnt be doing it while they are asleep. Im a stickler for consent, though. I want DD to know that her body is hers.

Mumblers · 13/01/2019 22:10

Your loony friend needs to give her head a damned good wobble.

I despair for the next generation when we actually currently have grown adults perpetuating this madness.

With a bit of luck your friend's children will have such an upbringing whereby they'll end up 'divorcing' their mother and will rebel by doing the complete opposite and will raise their children unafraid to show affection.

"Undermining their autonomy", my arse.

pasbeaucoupdegendarme · 13/01/2019 22:10

Presumably she held off kissing her own dc until they could articulate the desire for it?

RomanyRoots · 13/01/2019 22:12

Aw, I miss this so much Sad you can't do it when they're married with their own kids. It's lovely for both child and parent, and a demonstration of love. My lads would always be in a weird position or lying across, or even asleep hanging off the bed. Aw I miss little pj's, and little cuddles.
I'm squashed half to death now by my 6 footers.

I do sometimes do this with dd 14, she knows and has absolutely no objections at all Grin

Bunbunbunny · 13/01/2019 22:13

One of my favourite memories was being kissed on the head at night as my DF used to bless me as well (Catholic).

yogafailure · 13/01/2019 22:13

I'd still kiss the eldest two at night but at nearly 18 and 20 they're never asleep before me 😂. Those were the days!

ILoveMaxiBondi · 13/01/2019 22:15

“The only thing worth stealing is a kiss from a sleeping child”

I can’t credit it as I forget who said it, but it’s one I fully agree with.

PookieDo · 13/01/2019 22:16

I do not kiss mine anymore at night as they are 14 and 16 but if I do not check on them before I go to bed I cannot sleep! It would be alien!
I always open the door to their room and sometimes touch their hair gently. They look so lovely and cute asleep then I silently sniffle my way back out nostalgically sad about them being so grown up

More often than not I have to take plates/cups off the bed and turn their phone chargers off. But I always check. And I always lean in to say good morning or in the holidays let them know I am going off to work

Gotstuckwiththisname · 13/01/2019 22:16

Eh? I always kiss mine before I go to bed. They love knowing that I do it.

Maryann1975 · 13/01/2019 22:17

The only night I haven’t done this (when the dc are actually here and not on a sleepover etc) is the night I had dd. I had a homebirth (at about 10.30pm, so by the time I was going to bed it was gone midnight I guess) and dh forbid me to go in to say goodnight to ds, who was just 2, a light sleeper and if I’d woken him up, as sometimes happened at that time, it would have taken a couple of hours of me lying with him to get him back to sleep. Obviously not an overly practical situation to get In to with an brand new baby in the house. Of course dh was right, but I felt dreadful as I went to bed without checking in on him. My dc are 12, 10 and 8 now and I still check on them, i can not imagine not doing this.

CatWithKittens · 13/01/2019 22:18

Has your friend got any children? If not, she may learn, I hope; if she has, I am sorry for them.
I kiss my Dc and my Dh while they are sleeping - even though doing the latter led to DC5!

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 13/01/2019 22:18

Well there's that creepy poem about the woman who breaks into her adult sons house to watch him

Love You Forever

by Robert Munsch

I tell my 19yo that I creep into his room to watch him sleep.......he's like "Ermm that is too weird and highly inappropriate" Grin

cushioncuddle · 13/01/2019 22:19

And don't kiss your baby or small child when they are awake even as they don't understand what a kiss from a parent truly means so can't really consent. To be honest I would avoid kissing your child until they're a consenting adult. Just think of all the damage to them you can avoid by doing this !!!

FFS !

JustAboutGettingBy · 13/01/2019 22:19

How utterly bizarre!

Justaboy · 13/01/2019 22:21

Nooo! i chaged my granddaughers nappy today and whilst doing it i had to touch and wipe her naughty bits and butt;( surely I'm some sort of wierdo perv now?. Whatever can I do to repent?, would sackcloth and ashes for a month be enough?, can you ask ms fruitloop what her sentence would be??

WorraLiberty · 13/01/2019 22:21

My friend looked shocked and said I should never kiss my dc while they're sleeping as they have not consented and I'm undermining there body autonomy.

You actually have a friend who said that?? Grin

What? Like a real, live, walking, talking one?

I can't stop laughing! She's batshit Grin

Nothininmenoggin · 13/01/2019 22:22

Your friend sounds like she has serious issues. I always looked in on son when young and kissed him. He is 18 now still look on on him just to make sure he is there and ok. This is just maternal instinct of which your friend seems to be sadly lacking.

Namestheyareachangin · 13/01/2019 22:23

Aw I’d love to do this, but my 2 yr old is such a shite sleeper, once she’s down and the creaky door is safely closed no bloody way am I risking opening it again for anything Grin Having said that, she napped on me today (bit poorly) and her tiny sleeping face got kissed a LOT. I just love the soft soft cheeks!

Re your friend, I don’t think she is any of the mean things she’s been called on here, she obviously has good intentions and bodily autonomy is an important thing for children to learn, and tbf it’s an important point in the adult context that consenting to something when you’re awake is not equivalent to giving some sort of standing consent that applies when you’re asleep etc. So she clearly has thought about this and has come to this view from a place of (sort of) logic...

The way I see it is with very young children, consent is sort of difficult and blurred due to the extreme and often physical interdependence of mother and child. I mean babies rarely consent to the extreme intimacy of having their arses wiped or their noses suctioned (in fact often they actively protest) but they need it doing for them. I never consented to being vomited down the front of three times today, but my baby needed a hug and she needed a spew at the same time and fundamentally I am still in willing bondage to her needs taking precedence over my own physical autonomy. Breastfeeding muddies the waters still further, as I have had to give over my body to her pretty much as and when she chooses, but likewise if she didn’t feed from me regularly I’ll get uncomfortable and possibly ill... basically we’re still working through the process of becoming two seperate people. And there may come a point when she’s older that it would become a reasonable question to ask her. But no one else is really in a position to judge whether that time has come who isn’t part of that dyad imo.

Felt a bit icky about the PP whose husband kisses their kid when she’s asleep because he KNOWS she wouldn’t let him if she was awake... that’s a bit Hmm in my opinion.

OlennasWimple · 13/01/2019 22:28

I get what she means, but unless she has a child who really hates being kissed I don't think it's something to worry about.

I don't kiss DS at night any more, as he asked me not to Sad (He has a thing at the moment about things happening to him without his knowledge, after a bout of sleep walking and talking. I'm hoping that he will grow out of it)

DistanceCall · 13/01/2019 22:30

My friend looked shocked and said I should never kiss my dc while they're sleeping as they have not consented and I'm undermining there body autonomy.

Your friend is a loon.

SaturdayNext · 13/01/2019 22:31

On her logic, we must never kiss, hug or touch our children because until they're 18 they're not capable of giving consent. Ridiculous woman.

Littlelambpeep · 13/01/2019 22:31

Some people are actually not right in the mind though. I work with someone really wacky who makes terrible comments like this. Working mothers cause problems with emotions and all that.

Joinourclub · 13/01/2019 22:34

said I should never kiss my dc while they're sleeping as they have not consented and I'm undermining there body autonomy.

If your friend says this sort of thing, you must have some other amusing titbits to share with us?!

Poloshot · 13/01/2019 22:36

Your friend needs mental help

PhilomenaButterfly · 13/01/2019 22:38

YANBU, but I daren't, they might wake up! Xmas Shock

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