To PLEASE ask for some help

[starkwinterfell]

I've got myself into a huge muddle and I feel so stuck and scared.

I'm 6 months pregnant, but the man I am expecting with, is a complete and utter disgrace. I've posted about him a lot on here under various usernames and all advice has been to leave but I've been too stupid and too scared. Tonight I finally spoke to a friend about it all and completely broke down.

She thinks he's coercively abusing me and says everyone has noticed and has quietly been worried about me.

I don't know what to do. We share our home currently but can just give one months notice. Ideally I'd love him to go and me stay but I won't be able to afford the house on maternity pay, am I entitled to any help? Or is he obliged to pay for his child in any way?

Plus he won't go without a fight, every time I tell him he unhappy I am or try to end it he completely overrides me and tells me I'm stupid and that there's no problem and neither of us are going anywhere.

I honestly have no clue about legalities and to be honest, I feel so totally hard done by because this is a planned pregnancy (he wasn't always so vile, it started when I got pregnant - but yeah I probably shoulda saw the red flags), and I had been saving for a while to ensure nothing like this could happen, but he has used all of my savings and not been paying his half to anything so I'm literally living pay check to pay check and it's just so unfair.... although it is kind of my fault - I shouldn't have let it get this far!

Please mumsnet, what are my rights if any? And does anyone have any advice?

Have you got family nearby that you can move in with and give notice on your rental?

Depends really, in theory yes he is suppose to pay for the child but my ex has managed to get away without paying a penny so depends on his work, thats why they say not to rely on it.

Are both your names on the tenancy agreement, or just his/yours?

It's just his name annoyingly because I was in a probationary period at work (since passed and now I am permanent). As I say I pay all the bills and do all of the communications with the landlord, I don't even think he has their number tbh.

Yeah I have family I could go to but I guess I'd rather have my own place for me and baby if at all possible.

If it's in his name, you don't have to give any notice - it's his problem. I would get the fuck out asap.

Move in with your family temporarily while you sort yourself out. Don't make excuses not to leave.

Can you just leave? I was in a similar situation, every time I tried to talk about leaving I got talked out of it by him or refused etc. In the end I went in the middle of the night with my 2 month old while he was out. Could you go before you have the baby? While he's out, at work or something? I'm sure some friends would help. Then just text and say you've gone. The rest can be sorted in a few weeks, you can switch off and get yourself a bit sorted before the baby arrives in happier surroundings.

You don't need his permission to end this relationship and move out. Don't wait for him to say you can. He doesn't decide for you.

Are you in the UK OP? I'm not sure you are. Here, yes, the father should pay maintenance and you can pursue it via the CMS if he doesn't pay voluntarily.

Op your friend is right you do need to get away, from what you have said he sounds horrible.

First do a budget,( dont tell him anything) from what you earn could you afford a one bed flat? What maternity pay are you entitled to?
Babies don't need much space for a couple of years.

If you can cover the rent, great start looking quietly for something suitable and close to work/nursery/family, if you have any near. Enquire as to what benefits you would be entitled to, especially for the maternity stage.

Think about childcare would your family help?if not factor in the costs.

If it is really not affordable, think about staying with family to save for a deposit, and some savings, to allow you to move into a flat once baby has arrived.

Start distaning yourself mentally and emotionally from him, google Grey rock. From now on you need to say what he expects, whilst planning your future.

Just leave. Walk out and go.
Go to your friends or family and they will help you get back on your feet.

Best of luck.

I agree with PP , if the house is just in his name the walk out before you give birth .

Does he know where your family live ? is he likely to go to there homes and harass them / look for you.

I would look to getting myself on the housing register now as well so that you get some where asap.

Can you start moving your things out bit by bit so that he wont notice but it will make it easier for you to go when you do leave .

Do you have a joint bank account ? if you do you need to go and talk to them , explain the situation and ask if there is any way you can stop him from taking loans / overdrafts out on the account that you will become liable for if he defaults on the payments.

I would also change mobile phone number and only give your new number to them that you trust 100% not to pass it on to him .

Good look stark

He will be required to pay maintenance for his child, though enforcing this may be difficult. If he refuses to leave you will have to just to get away from him. Can you afford rent for a one bedroom place on your mat pay? You need to see what benefits you’re entitled to - CAB or your council can help.

Yeah I'm in the UK. Still here at the moment, as per I'm upstairs and he's down and I'm really hungry but feel too uncomfortable to go down to get food.

I've called to enquire about some cheaper housing this morning but with it being Sunday I've had to just leave messages. Spoken to my friend who is a single mom to get some ideas on what I'd be entitled to.

It's weird because it's as if I can see a tiny crack of light at the end of the tunnel now but I have no idea how I'm going to get there. I long for the day I've got a blank canvas for me and my baby go start a new life. Perhaps I do just need to leave and suck it up at my parents for a while. At least I've have people around me who want to talk to me and not just have me here so I'm not elsewhere.

Up until today I was very close to his family but from what I've gathered he's told them about how much of a "psycho" I am now and they've all apparently fell out with me.

He did this before with our friends though, told me they all hated me and when I eventually asked about it they all denied having ever even discussed me with him so I am hoping it's just him lying and being spiteful. I'd be gutted to lose them.

Pride is a hell of a thing, go to your parents, by your other half telling you what relationship you should stay in (with him) stand back look in, he is slowly, but surely cutting you off, from his friends, his family, by telling them your business and gathering sympathy , they probably think you have two heads and a tail by now, exactly, what do you need these people for? go to your parents, give yourself a stress free break, don't let him pester, or tell you, where you should be (with him). Have the rest of your pregnancy in peace, time will sort everything out, you can contact the relevant people CAB, Housing, CSA, at your own pace, don't be afraid, put pride aside let mam and dad help.
If he pester's you take out an injunction , don't forget , this is your life, don't let a relationship dictate your future, (its does not look like a good one with this man).
Best Wishes, for you and your baby.

Would you consider a refuge for a very short period? There's a brilliant post stickied on the top of the relationships thread by a lady who said it was the best thing she ever did. They can help move you on into other accommodation and provide the support you need.

If you don't want to go to a refuge they can provide floating support and help you access other accommodation.

Not all abuse is physical and if you're scared to go downstairs in your own home that's quite telling.

Contact women's aid they're a brilliant support

He heard me on the phone to my friend telling her I am struggling to cope and when I got off the phone he screamed at me telling me that I am spreading lies about him and that he hates me and I'm the worst person he's ever met.

Are you safe OP? Can you call a friend or women’s aid?

OP, well done for realising that you need to leave him. It will be a lot easier for you to just move out and find somewhere new, than to get him to leave and then have the tenancy transferred into your name. The sooner you go, the more time you will have to get things sorted before the baby comes. As pp's have said, newborns don't need a lot of space, so maybe staying with family for a few months, saving some money, might not be a bad idea. But whatever you decide, do it sooner rather than later.

Good luck.

Please get out OP you are being emotionally abused here and you're pregnant and hungry and don't feel you can go to get food. That's not on at all.
If I was you I d move back with family so you have support for when your baby is born and you will be able to access financial/housing support by midwife/health visitor/ citizens advice/women's refuge.
It can't be as bad as it is now.

I would speak to your parents and either a refuge or cab. It sounds as if your friend will be there for support. Are the other bills in your name or his? If you are leaving you will need to make sure he is not running up bills in your name. Take care.

You don't feel safe because you aren't safe, grab your purse and leave now.
Then contact Women's Aid and the police to arrange to collect your things with an escort when he is out.

Could you go to your parents tonight? Or phone your friend and ask her to come and fetch you?

I'd go, stay somewhere else overnight (or just never come back from work tomorrow if that's safer) and rent somewhere of my own before my wages drop on Maternity Leave/claim benefit as a lone parent after I'd secured the tenancy.

Somewhere as far away from him as possible whilst still being able to get to work (so, an equal distance in exactly the opposite direction, for example).

Staying with family, or friends, temporarily has got to be better than how it is now.
You're not on the lease so can leave whenever you want.
Get all your essential belongings organised, maybe shift some out first, then go.

Do not tell him you're leaving him! Leaving is the most dangerous time, physically dangerous. Call your parents now, and ask them to come and get you, or leave tomorrow morning, making him think you're just going to work.

Don't worry about all your stuff, just collect important documents to take with you. You can have police accompany you to collect your things another time.

As his name is on the tenancy, you don't need to worry about that-he's the one liable for the rent.

But whatever you do, don't keep putting it off. Abuse starting during or just after pregnancy is very common, as they then feel that they've trapped you. Go and stay with your parents until you've sorted out your own place.