To PLEASE ask for some help

[starkwinterfell]

I've got myself into a huge muddle and I feel so stuck and scared.

I'm 6 months pregnant, but the man I am expecting with, is a complete and utter disgrace. I've posted about him a lot on here under various usernames and all advice has been to leave but I've been too stupid and too scared. Tonight I finally spoke to a friend about it all and completely broke down.

She thinks he's coercively abusing me and says everyone has noticed and has quietly been worried about me.

I don't know what to do. We share our home currently but can just give one months notice. Ideally I'd love him to go and me stay but I won't be able to afford the house on maternity pay, am I entitled to any help? Or is he obliged to pay for his child in any way?

Plus he won't go without a fight, every time I tell him he unhappy I am or try to end it he completely overrides me and tells me I'm stupid and that there's no problem and neither of us are going anywhere.

I honestly have no clue about legalities and to be honest, I feel so totally hard done by because this is a planned pregnancy (he wasn't always so vile, it started when I got pregnant - but yeah I probably shoulda saw the red flags), and I had been saving for a while to ensure nothing like this could happen, but he has used all of my savings and not been paying his half to anything so I'm literally living pay check to pay check and it's just so unfair.... although it is kind of my fault - I shouldn't have let it get this far!

Please mumsnet, what are my rights if any? And does anyone have any advice?

Could your friends come round and help you move your things out? If there are two or three people around, calmly backing you up and agreeing that the relationship is over because he is an abusive prick, he can't attack all of you and he will be utterly, agonisingly powerless as he realises that people know the problem is him and not you...

If you have friends or family you can stay with, I'd just go. You can put in a claim for UC (depending on your salary, you might not qualify but you never know) - sadly the days of tax credits are over. It's very important to stay in work no matter what. He'll be required to pay maintenance but it might be hard to get him to pay. I'd focus on getting out of there first.

I agree with others, you aren't on the lease so you can just leave. If the utility bills are in your name, tell them immediately that you've moved out, he will then have to take on the contracts himself or get cut off. Cancel all the direct debits and standing orders too.

Read the meters too.

And change all your passwords to everything.

Go to your parents and accept help. Your not alone even if you feel it. All this stress he is giving you is not helping the baby.
Get out and rebuild your life the sooner the better. Take your essential belongings and go and be happy. Life is too short. Leave and don’t look back.

Call HR tomorrow at work, change where your wages are paid.
Then he will have to find bills and utilities money for next month, take your cash out now, you can put a stop on the account as well at the bank. So your not responsible for half the debts due to go out this month....

Great suggestion from SGB. I wouldn't put his name on the birth certificate or give the baby his surname. Absolutely not.

Just leave.
He isnt going to make it easy for you so don’t try and do it ‘nicely’.

Also he is clearly abusive so much so your friends have noticed.
Now that you are wanting to leave is the most dangerous time for you and your baby. Yu need to protect yourself. And that starts with leaving wo telling him where you are going or even that you are going.

I'm so happy the rental is only in his name - you can just pack up and go.

If any of the bills are in your name, when you leave, read the meters (take photos to prove it) and inform them you've moved.

Get friends and family to help move you out.

OP I'm afraid for you lovely, please take the advice on here, leave asap.

You need to leave and I think you know that.

Go to your parents, ignore what he's said about your family and friends - he's trying to break you off from them and have full control over you.

Agree with PP's - if the bills are in your name make sure you let them know you've left asap. Also might be worth taking pictures of the electric/gas meters so you know what it was when you left.

Book a day off work if you can, leave for work as normal. Don't tell him and whilst he is at work move. I'm sure friends and family will be more than glad to help you pack and go.
It will be so much easier to go now than it will be after the baby has arrived.
Just make sure any planning you do he cannot hear.

I’m sorry you’re in this position, but I’m pleased you’ve seen it and are getting out. Be strong, you can do it. 💐

As others have said, you do NOT need his ‘permission’ to end this. Just do it. But you HAVE to do it safely and that means while he is out at work.

The place isn’t in your name, that’s currently a bonus.

Tomorrow - talk to your parents or a friend and arrange to go there on Tuesday & stay for a little while. Arrange whatever transport you’ll need to move your stuff on Tuesday and as much help as you can get. I’d take a day off work to help you, I expect some of your friends would do the same.

Call in sick on Tuesday and move. If you normally leave before him, do that, but go to a cafe or whatever. Take EVERYTHING that’s yours. EVERYTHING. Don’t ‘be kind’ and leave him stuff because you’ll need it. You’ll need it when you can least afford to re buy it.

Take copies of any of his paperwork.

Leave him a note. Basically ‘I’ve left you, I won’t be changing my mind. I’ll let you know when I’ve had the baby. This is the landlords phone number and bank details. I don’t want to hear from you, but if there’s anything important, email me. I won’t be taking any phone calls’.

He’s a nasty bully. Don’t fall for any of his bullshit.

Do yourself a BIG favour and forget about his family. Blood is blood, they’ll stick by him, not you.

You’ll get yourself sorted and get a place for you and your baby. But right now you just need to get out. Fast.

...don’t forget to inform all necessary people that you’re no longer there and cancel all accounts etc

Change all Passwords etc.

I got into a situation like you with my son's dad while I was pregnant. I wanted to leave but he was constantly threatening me and emotionally blackmailing me. I felt really stuck and scared.
When my DS was 5 months old I got sick of his threats 'my workmates say I should put you six feet under' etc, and slight signs of violence beginning, kicking me in bed etc., and told him to leave.
Mistake as he went out, got drunk, and came home and hit me. Then I got the police involved. Annoyingly he refused to leave my flat for the first month, but eventually he did. DS and I stayed at my mums in the meantime.
He gave me a few years of Hell, just as he had threatened, but eventually it calmed down and it's ok now. He is ok and has a relationship with DS.
I was so happy to be away from him. Never told any of this to DS though.

Bloody hell, that was a long-winded way of saying get out of the relationship as soon as you can. It's hard, but staying would be harder.

Oh yeah, he was financially abusing me too.

You need to ring your parents and go.

Take meter readings if bills are in your name and contact the suppliers when you get to your parents' house. Change your passwords on everything. Block him on everything.

You can work towards getting your own place once you are settled at your parents' house - but the main thing right now is your safety.

Please get away from him, get out of that house ASAP it’s not safe for you at all. You need to get someone to collect you because otherwise he will not let you leave. If you are scared ....really scared call the police.

Some brilliant advice on this thread on how to leave safely.
I just want to say, if you were my daughter I would want you away from him and home with me

Yeah I have family I could go to but I guess I'd rather have my own place for me and baby if at all possible.

Surely being with your family is better than being with your husband? If you go to them you will have time to organise an alternative.

Also, phone Women's Aid who should be able to answer all your questions. The number is 0808 2000 247.

Speak to Women's Aid.

Let the police know in advance when you plan to leave.

Do not tell him you are leaving in advance.

Don't leave anything expecting to be able to collect it at a later date. Even if he doesn't want it, he will probably still punish you by destroying it or refusing to hand it over.

Once telling you that nobody cares about you and you won't amount to anything without him has failed, he is likely to try begging, emotional blackmail, threats of suicide and/or threats of violence, court action, hurting your baby. Record everything and report everything that's appropriate.

Don't tell anyone where you are living unless you are certain they won't tell him.

Don't believe any promises to reform. They are bullshit and will go out of the window as soon as you are back in his control.

Also don't believe his lies about what other people say about you. They are just designed to erode your self esteem and remove your support and options.

Please do listen to the people saying to leave safely.
Either get your parents to come and collect you, or a trusted friend (don't say your plans on the phone, just text them to come and get you, have everything ready to go - purse, any documents, medication, and just get out quietly and fast).
Or if you think that won't work, leave it til he's at work and do it then.

Whatever you do, don't tell him you're planning on going, don't get into any arguments, don't ask for any permission. You need to do this for you as calmly as you can, to keep yourself safe.

If you have enough privacy then ring Women's Aid for further advice.

Thinking of you at this time. I hope you can get out safely. Please don't worry too much about the next part yet, you just need to get to support and a safe place for now. Your wellbeing is the most important thing.

"I just want to say, if you were my daughter I would want you away from him and home with me"

This. And you'd want the same for your baby once they've grown up.
Look after yourself. Lots of support to you.

Well he left, for all of 3 minutes, then came back, then began packing, then stopped again.

Then told me he wanted me to leave instead.

Just keeps telling me how mental I am and calling me a "mental patient" and telling me I'm weird and ridiculous.

I feel that if I was that bad surely he'd have left? I'm definitely going to take my stuff to work tomorrow and go to my parents afterwards. I don't want to bring a baby up in a bedroom at my parents no, but I would rather that than bring my child into this horrid toxic place.

When he said he was leaving and never coming back, I said I understand, I can deal with the house and everything it's no problem, and he went crazy at me for not suggesting we work it out??? I'm just exhausted. I've cried all day long today my eyes are broken. My poor child. I feel like the worst mother ever.

Is there any way you could get to your parents tonight? I'd be worried about your safety.