To PLEASE ask for some help

[starkwinterfell]

I've got myself into a huge muddle and I feel so stuck and scared.

I'm 6 months pregnant, but the man I am expecting with, is a complete and utter disgrace. I've posted about him a lot on here under various usernames and all advice has been to leave but I've been too stupid and too scared. Tonight I finally spoke to a friend about it all and completely broke down.

She thinks he's coercively abusing me and says everyone has noticed and has quietly been worried about me.

I don't know what to do. We share our home currently but can just give one months notice. Ideally I'd love him to go and me stay but I won't be able to afford the house on maternity pay, am I entitled to any help? Or is he obliged to pay for his child in any way?

Plus he won't go without a fight, every time I tell him he unhappy I am or try to end it he completely overrides me and tells me I'm stupid and that there's no problem and neither of us are going anywhere.

I honestly have no clue about legalities and to be honest, I feel so totally hard done by because this is a planned pregnancy (he wasn't always so vile, it started when I got pregnant - but yeah I probably shoulda saw the red flags), and I had been saving for a while to ensure nothing like this could happen, but he has used all of my savings and not been paying his half to anything so I'm literally living pay check to pay check and it's just so unfair.... although it is kind of my fault - I shouldn't have let it get this far!

Please mumsnet, what are my rights if any? And does anyone have any advice?

Just get out of there!! What ever needs to be done, just do it.

He's not liking your strength and taking back of control. Please listen to the other posters and go to your parents tonight. Keep safe.

I can't get there tonight unfortunately. I feel ok though. Just going to stay out of his way and hope to god he leaves for the night.

I feel that if I was that bad surely he'd have left?

He is lying. It is a strategy to make you feel insecure and think you are the problem. You aren't.

OP you have had some good advice here. I'd ask @MNHQ to move this thread to Relationships where you will get even more excellent and ongoing advice and support from women who have been through this and who will help you with practical advice and info. Best of luck to you

Could you discreetly (and safely) record some of his ravings? Not only would it reassure you that you are not the difficult one, but it could be useful to have in the future should you need to clarify to anyone, e.g. your parents, what you have been suffering. You poor thing, I hope you get away from this abusive man very very quickly.

I've been recording things for a while, i started just writing it down in my notes so I wouldn't forget (as in forget how bad it made me feel) and underplay it, and then the last month I've recorded some videos on my phone too can't see anything but can hear it all.

I managed to get today's name calling and you can actually see him, the anger in his face is horrid.

It's so sad because I remember that face being my favourite face. I know that sounds pathetic but it's hard to comprehend how things have gotten so bad.

OP you need to ACT now.

you are not a terrible mother, you are a fantastic mother, because you wont allow your child to be brought up in a toxic environment

however Id be wondering if you might have a friends place you can go to tonight, or a friend who can come and stay with you. this is the dangerous time and he is losing control of you.

I was actually wondering how you were as I remember your previous posts, glad to hear you've decided to get out!

Make sure you upload all the evidence to a cloud or something in case he realises and breaks your phone. Browse MN on incognito or delete your history as well just to be on the safe side.

It's not your fault he's decided to act like this, a lot of abusers show their true colours when the woman is pregnant and vulnerable.

OP, YOU need to leave, not him! The house is in his name, so he can use that to be difficult and keep a hold over you.

Calling you mental is text book. They all follow the same script, which is why we can anticipate what he will do. He will try to get you back using any and/or all of the following:
Cry, beg, promise to change, tell you he loves you, you're his world, etc.
Lovebomb you.
Threaten taking you to court, where he will win custody of the baby, because you're mental.
Tell you nobody else will want you, you're damaged goods, mental, a nightmare to live with, etc.
Threaten suicide.

They're all designed to put you on the back foot, confuse you, and make you unsure if you're doing the right thing. (You are doing the right thing, never doubt that.)

I think in the Relationships forum, there's a copy of "The Script". It might be in the sticky thread "Right, listen up everybody". Have a read.

Don't dismiss what we're saying about it being dangerous to leave, thinking you know him well enough that he wouldn't do anything like that to you. Keep safe. Go NOW!

@starkwinterfell are you OK today? Are you safe?

I hope you've left OP. Be safe xx

I agree, you are a great mum for acting to stop this continuing. There unfortunately is a strong relationship between men abusing women and abusing children, it is reasonable to expect he’d shout at your little one too. I agree you should get out in whatever safe way you can. Don’t tell him what you are doing. Good luck.

Really hope all is well with you op. I remember your previous threads. Thinking of you.

I hope you've managed to get to your parents safely today OP

Do NOT put him on the birth certificate

Keep safe

I'm ok. Have been at my parents. Blocked him because I need to go NC, I can't be civil at the moment unfortunately. I'm too upset and angry.

He was extremely vile in the end and said lots about me not being a good mother and how crazy I am etc. Is it bad that it doesn't even hurt anymore?

I don't really have a plan I'm just trying to get myself through each hour. Luckily my job is pretty hectic so that's keeping me semi occupied.

Hugs and best wishes for the future starkwinterfell , glad you got away safely and kept records for proof of the way he behaved .
Hope your mum and dad offer lots of help support and love x

It's great that it doesn't hurt any more!
That shows you've realised he's being completely unreasonable and you don't deserve any of it.

Try to rest and recover a bit from the stress of it all before you think about having plans.

Glad to hear you got away safely!

I do think it's a good thing it doesn't hurt anymore, it's the start of you not caring about him and moving on. He sounds absolutely vile. You're going to be an amazing mother and you've started that already by getting away from an abusive man and protecting that child.

@starkwinterfell so glad to hear your have left and are safe with your parents.

Don't worry about not having a plan at the moment. You've got plenty of time for that. Like you said, just keep getting through each hour.

I've always found work really useful in times of crisis, it's good to have a structure that you have to stick to. But also be kind to yourself and take some time off if you need to. It's all about you and baby now.

You will be a lovely mother. You've already shown you can take action to protect yourself and little one. All the best for the future and keep posting on here to let us know how you are doing.

Glad to hear you got away. It's good that you're not feeling anything, it shows you've disengaged, and will make things easier.

Get stuck into work, it will keep your mind occupied, so you don't dwell on any doubts about what you've done. You've absolutely done the right thing.

As pps have said, don't put him on the birth certificate, because if you do, that gives him parental rights. Even without PR, he is still required to pay child support, so you can go through the CSA for that.

Keep safe.