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Original poster

To think a car belongs to the family not the person who drives it?

110 replies

bubblegumunicorn · 12/01/2019 16:05

That really my DH is unable to drive due to disability and because of this he has decided he will not help me buy a car for our family and I need to do that on my own. He has a lot more money than me and has said he will help out here and there but will not cover that cost of a car we also have DC1 on the way so this is going to be a very expensive year financially and I don't really want to get a loan out for a car when he has enough in the bank to buy one. I just really want to know which one of us is being unreasonable in this situation.

OP posts:
MacarenaFerreiro · 12/01/2019 17:19

What's his is his, and what's yours is his too, right?

This is not normal. It's not the way that most reasonable families share their money.

BMOT · 12/01/2019 17:21

Part of me is thinking this has to be a fake post !
You have way more issues than the car my friend and why you are with this guy let alone bringing a baby into the mix is a mystery to me!
I'm not a fan of the LTB mentality but in this case........
Maybe you should get him to read this thread !

AcrossthePond55 · 12/01/2019 17:21

DH and I have joint finances, so all this 'you pay this and I pay that' is foreign to me and much too complicated. BUT if we had completely separate finances I can see a situation of "I'll put the £XXk deposit on the house out of my savings, you make mortgage payments to equal that amount, then we'll start paying in equal amounts'. In a way, it does 'equal out' the investment of each person. The exception would be if he had 'ring fenced' his deposit amount, then the mortgage should be split.

Have you kept track of the mortgage payments you've made? How close are you to equaling his deposit?

I live in 'car mad' California and our cars are jointly bought. I will say that we sort of think of the pickup as DH's and the sedan as mine, but that's just because each is our driving preference. But I guarantee you that if my DH told me that he wouldn't pay for a car because he couldn't drive it, hell would freeze over before he set foot in it!

robininbrum · 12/01/2019 17:23

WOW. I don't say this very often, but LTB.

What are you getting out of this marriage? Serious question.

See how he copes on his own.

What a twat he is.

Soontobe60 · 12/01/2019 17:24

Tell him that you've decided to leave him, and he will therefore have to hand over half of all his stash, plus a substantial amount of maintenance, and you would more than likely get to stay in the house as you have a baby on the way!
What he him turn green, then tell him to cough up for the family car.

HolgerLowCarbingLoser · 12/01/2019 17:24

You need to leave him. Now, because when the baby comes along it will become 100 times harder.

He is not a good man. He is not kind, he does not love you, and he will not look after you or your child well and compassionately. A man like this is incapable of being a decent human being, husband or father, and he will almost certainly treat you worse and worse as time goes on.

Think very seriously about this. Your baby needs you to be strong.

Flowers
NewNameNewGame19 · 12/01/2019 17:26

So, he's disabled and wants to keep his allowance just for himself - as this is what it boils down to

robininbrum · 12/01/2019 17:27

Acrossthepond I also find this 'separate accounts' and 'my money is mine, and your money is yours' mentality quite bizarre when a couple are married, and have children together.

You always find the man earns more, and it's HIS idea to keep the finances separate. His mindset is 'keep little wifey at home, keep her doing all the grunt work and drudgery, keep her financially fragile, and get on with my life and career.'

Good for him. Not so good for her.

Fraying · 12/01/2019 17:29

OhDear you have no idea what a divorce court will say because you don't even know where the OP lives so you can't know which jurisdiction applies. The law isn't even the same across the UK Hmm

OP as PPs have said, this isn't about the car. We have separate finances and separate cars but there's no way on earth one of us would have the lesser-earner paying the mortgage or that we'd be arguing about getting a family car with a baby on the way when you live in the middle of nowhere. I'm loathe to ask but was he instrumental in you buying a house in an isolated area too?

At the very least, make an appointment with a solicitor. You need to sort out the mortgage payments and your right to the house. But as most PPs have said, if I were you, I'd be reconsidering the entire power balance in your relationship.

Missingstreetlife · 12/01/2019 17:32

Get legal advice about mortgage, status of shared ownership. How much equity, interest and shared bills. It's not straightforward. Just protect yourself and strengthen your hand by knowing what you would get if you split up.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 12/01/2019 17:33

Leave him. Sell the house and start again. You are not a unit - he's sponging off you and planning to do so indefinitely. This won't get better.

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2019 17:33

Terribly financially abusive. It sounds as if you would be better off without this arse.

robinwasntred · 12/01/2019 17:34

Is the mortgage in both names or just yours? If it's in his as well, then he's responsible for the payments as much as you are. What would he do if you said you were only paying your share?

Could you get a Smart Car? I don't know if they are safe for babies though as no back seat, but just that if the car is only for you and the baby, it would be quite satisfying to get a 2 seater.

Part of me wants to say that you should only be getting half the groceries and only cooking meals for yourself too if this is his attitude to money, but actually I think you need to have a serious talk with him about money and sharing. This is going to cause so many problems further down the line if not sorted now.

OrdinarySnowflake · 12/01/2019 17:35

Does he love you? Does he care about your quality of life? Does he give a shit about the child you are carrying? Does he get it's not just going to be your responsibility, or will you be a sole parent with another adult expecting them to be looked after by you as well?

Why are you married to him?

Would your life be better without him?

Before the baby arrives, have these conversations with yourself. The car is the least of your worries.

Qcng · 12/01/2019 17:35

You need to give him his deposit back and tell him to fuck off.

Get a good lawyer.

Bringbackthestripes · 12/01/2019 17:39

so far I've paid every mortgage payment because and I quote he paid the deposit (which was less than I have paid since we moved here)

Shock what made you think having a baby with this bloke was a good idea? Is he going to be telling you to buy all the baby clothes because you are the one that gave birth?

You need to give him his deposit back and tell him to fuck off.

^this.

billybagpuss · 12/01/2019 17:44

I'm sure he must have some good points, but he doesn't sound like a very family orientated, sharing man. If this is his attitude to money while you are on a full wage I fear that he will become very controlling when you are on reduced maternity.

Good luck

NopeNi · 12/01/2019 17:47

Why would anyone stay in a relationship like this?

delboysskinandblister · 12/01/2019 17:49

Is it his brain that's disabled??

Tell him you'll 'help out here and there' with his disability and the child care including transport be it daily or emergency once you have a Decree Absolute...

If you're going to stay married then you need to move into a town with a decent bus / train service.

Good luck OP. He's mugging you off.

goldengummybear · 12/01/2019 17:51

This is bizarre! Wtaf is wrong with him?

Why didn't you "protect" his deposit when you bought the house and then pay 50/50? What I mean is if he paid £50k deposit and you sell the house for £200k and it's fully paid off, he gets £125k and you get 75k.

I'd be seriously concerned that he won't buy stuff for the baby or deal with you being on maternity. Would he not get his child a bike because he can't cycle?

If you buy the car, do not give him lifts.

mumbojumb · 12/01/2019 17:51

Couldn't imagine being married to a man like that

tinytreefrog · 12/01/2019 17:52

I don't get it, I really don't. You're married and are expecting a baby, yet you have to pay all of the mortgage payments because he paid the deposit and he won't help to finance a family car!

If he hadn't been so tight over the mortgage, maybe you could afford to buy yourself a car now.

Sorry OP, he's being a dick. I wouldn't be letting him set foot in the car, or to eat any of the food transported in it. He can buy all his own from the local co op.

Lovethetimeyouhave · 12/01/2019 17:52

Wow! And you're still there why?

sausageees · 12/01/2019 17:55

I think I'd be buying a car and ditching the husband personally

delboysskinandblister · 12/01/2019 17:55

OP - please start taking copies of his bank statements the deposit the mortgage payments the deeds all household bills and council tax and keep it somewhere private even if you choose to stay married. Just trust me on this, one day you and your baby who you have to be thinking of as priority will need it.

Please.

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