Husband just sent me this re mental load/resentment/stress

[userloadsofnumbers]

herviewfromhome.com/the-ugly-truth-of-an-overwhelmed-mom-and-resentful-wife/

Hope the link works.

We have been having a few heated discussions re mental load in our house and how I am feeling quite resentful of doing pretty much all the wifework whilst trying to juggle three young kids and working full-time.

DH just forwarded me this link. In a nutshell, she feels like I do (overwhelmed, resentful) but concludes that it is basically her problem and that she needs to remember that marriage and children "comes with service. It comes with a willingness to give of myself and my talents to these people I love so much. If my heart is full of love, real love, then there cannot be room for resentment and bitterness,".

So, is she right? Should I just accept that if I love my family I shut up and put up?! I presume my husband also loves me and our kids - so why can't he pick up those socks, clear up after himself??

AIBU to disagree with this sentiment (happy to accept it if I am!). If not, what is an appropriate response to dh?

Geez he is so wrong, plenty more out there about why wifework results in divorce...

Send him this back -www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic?CMP=fb_gu

RandomMess - yep, I've forwarded loads to him in the past in an effort to get him to understand. He probably thinks he's hit the jackpot now he's found one that concludes it's my problem

Look up

She divorced me because I left the dishes by the sink...

I suspect you don't-have equal leisure time let alone equal mental load, but you should be grateful and see it as servitude WTF...

When is that from - the 1950s? Utter tripe.

"The truth is, he is a true partner in this parenting gig, and shares much of the household load with me. And he never, ever expects me to do any of it alone"

So is he a true partner?!

Highlight the part that says the partner cooks dinner and ferries the kids or whatever it says. Does your DH do that stuff unbidden?

The blogger is very religious and basing her views on her reading of what a women’s role is in the bible. Is your husband very religious? Does he want a relationship from 2000 years ago?

Jeez she's a stepford wife if ever I saw one. Yep that's what your dh wants. Wifey no moany.

Thanks Laurel - have shown him that in the past. I almost want to be told I'm being unreasonable as I have some control over my feelings but I can't change him no matter how much I nag/we argue about it.

But he hasn't hit the jackpot because the woman sounds like is a SAHM and you work full time?

Also, she says he cooked dinner, went grocery shopping and ferried kids around. Does your DH do his fair share of that?

Because the truth is—the big-picture, unselfish truth—is that this man lying next to me had cooked that dinner I picked p off the counter. He had gone grocery shopping to buy the ingredients the day before, and helped me in the drop-off, shuttle, pick-up routine of daily life with kids. He had worked all day in a job that is physically exhausting and often emotionally draining.

You can feel the religion oozing out of every line if that.
If your DH is a partner and does his share of the mental load, it is a fair place to start from. If you both hold down full time paid jobs and still you do all the mental load, your DH is just trying to lay a guilt trip on you and push back all the shit he doesn't want to do onto your pile.

Which is he?

Absolutely not!! No way! It should be equal.

To be fair - he does do a lot of the cooking (when he's here - works away a lot). He will do grocery shopping but again only if I have written him a list. If it isn't on the list, it doesn't get bought, even if he was the last to use the milk and I haven't realised yet.

He does help with school run when he's here - but I have to get the boys bags packed the night before, ensure they have instruments, correct PE kit, homework done, clean uniform etc etc. But he will physically drop them off and pick them up and expect me to be grateful at how much he 'helps'.

If your husband shuttles the children around after a full day's work before popping the tea you've picked up the day before while you attend to domestic matters or whatever, then hinbu.

If, however, (and I suspect more likely) he walks in the door, grumbles that the sink is full of dishes and the detritus from the kids coming home from school is scattered throughout the house, where they abandoned it in your hurry to get them changed and back out the door, then your dh is incredibly unreasonable.

I would be very, very angry if my partner sent me that article.

It is basically saying he expects you to make bigger sacrifices than he is.

Probably you need to discuss it, but I don't even know how you start if that is his attitude.

I think it depends how much your husband does. In the article, she says her husband cooked the dinner, having done the grocery shopping. I get a bit pissed off with DP as he dumps stuff next to the dishwasher instead of in it, and never wipes the surfaces...but he cooks nearly all of our meals, does the ironing and hoovering, does the shopping, remembers his own family birthdays for presents and cards. In my case, he probably gets a bit pissed off with me for seldom cooking and never putting away the pots from the draining board. We each have jobs we do and we have naturally fallen into those.

If however the entire household load - cleaning, kids, cooking, laundry, whatever - falls to you when you both work full time because he can’t be arsed and thinks you’ll do it, then he’s taking the piss because the “willingness to give of myself and my talents” goes both ways ...you cannot be the one who is doing all the giving and he just takes.

If you wrote a list of all the chores and parenting responsibilies, would he conclude that each one is, and should be, your role, or would he put his name to any of them? It's what you are each happy with that counts. If he dictates that he takes none of the responsibilities, can you live with that?! Marriage ouncelling?

If he left would you have more support because you'd get every other weekend off???

Delegate to him all the washing, drying, ironing and putting away, no nagging no reminding... watch him struggle!

Wow, my DH wouldn't dare send that to me. I would be furious. I'm not sure what you can say to a man who thinks that being a wife is about service. Lucky him getting to have a servant.

I'm raging on your behalf.

She’s a sahm though!

It’s the mental laid which you are still doing despite working. Just stop putting their kit together and walk out the door to go to work

Doesn’t sound like your ‘D’H respects you very much.

Are you and DH religious like the family in the article? Otherwise I don't think you can compare!

I'd be tempted to reduce the wife work by delegating to each family member specific jobs which are no longer your responsibility and they have to deal with the consequences if not done. E.g they don't bring their clothes for washing then they run out/have to wear dirty clothes. Even if it's just for a week to open their eyes to how much you do. I'd be furious if DH forwarded me that!

OH balls to that woman in the article linked. Good for her, having the perfect partner, and yes maybe she should be a bit more grateful - but that doesn't mean that her situation applies to every other woman!

Appropriate response?

Fuck off.

There you go.