Husband just sent me this re mental load/resentment/stress

[userloadsofnumbers]

herviewfromhome.com/the-ugly-truth-of-an-overwhelmed-mom-and-resentful-wife/

Hope the link works.

We have been having a few heated discussions re mental load in our house and how I am feeling quite resentful of doing pretty much all the wifework whilst trying to juggle three young kids and working full-time.

DH just forwarded me this link. In a nutshell, she feels like I do (overwhelmed, resentful) but concludes that it is basically her problem and that she needs to remember that marriage and children "comes with service. It comes with a willingness to give of myself and my talents to these people I love so much. If my heart is full of love, real love, then there cannot be room for resentment and bitterness,".

So, is she right? Should I just accept that if I love my family I shut up and put up?! I presume my husband also loves me and our kids - so why can't he pick up those socks, clear up after himself??

AIBU to disagree with this sentiment (happy to accept it if I am!). If not, what is an appropriate response to dh?

Well, now you know where you stand. You want to be a partnership of equals. He wants you to be a Stepford wife.

Are you going to continue allowing him to opt out of his half? You can't force him to do most things but there's a hell of a lot you can just stop doing.

Your DH is nothing like the one in that article, though.

I would be saying- fantastic, you want to go 50/50 on housework, and you’re going to be a ‘true partner’ and start spotting what needs to be done before it has gone wrong, and preempting the household needs.

What a dickhead.

We are looking into marriage counselling as this has become such a big issue in our relationship. He does try and will make me cups of tea, let me have a lie in every now and again.

One big issue is we have different standards - he is naturally very messy - will walk in and there will be a trail of shoes/trainers/bags/coats/papers left in his wake. He will take something out to use it and never put it back. I will ask him to clean the kitchen (normally after he's messed it up) and he will load the dishwasher but won't see that the surfaces need to be wiped, there's fat splattered all over the hob, there's food the toddlers thrown on the floor and a half-eaten piece of toast on the chair but he's 'cleaned the kitchen'. I will then get frustrated and it leads to an argument.

His point would be - I need to relax and not have such high standards. We don't need to live in a show home. He's happy for us to outsource the laundry etc and get a housekeeper if I don't have time to do it.

I think we may just be incompatible when it comes to the house and need to find a way to compromise as don't want to split up over this and we need to stop the arguments.

Get a housekeeper if you can afford it, why not?

How about you send him back this husbandrevolution.com/instead-of-going-shooting-like-i-wanted-to-i-did-this-for-my-wife-instead/

Yanbu. It’s just ‘surrendered wife’ philosophy. Shows what he thinks of his role despite you shining light on the inequity. Don’t surrender!!!

As others have pointed out, that article is written from a very American, religious point of view. Do your DH's beliefs usually sound like this?

Also - the writer is a SAHM, isn't she? She may well believe that a woman's place is in the home, not working full time as you do. How would DH react if you said you were going to give up work to concentrate on hommaking? Or is he just conveniently cherry-picking to suit his own agenda?

If my DP ever had the temerity to send me a household martyr post from a religious blogger, I’d be renenacting many good old fashioned Old Testament punishments on his ungrateful self. What an idiot!

*He does help with school run when he's here - but I have to get the boys bags packed the night before, ensure they have instruments, correct PE kit, homework done, clean uniform etc etc. But he will physically drop them off and pick them up and expect me to be grateful at how much he 'helps'

This is what sums it up for me. To the outside world he’s ‘hands on’ and doing a good job, but actually all the very important but ultimately thankless tasks do not seem to be on his radar at all.

Then out source everything and get the housekeeper.
Do an online shop and do the same order every week.
Everytime he doesnt clean ip after himself send him back into the chaos to deal with it there and then. Cleaning up after yourslef is learned behaviour. Most people females leadn this at preschool age. He is just a little slow... seriously send him to do it every single time.

And tell him to stop arguing about his poor standards of cleanliness. The point is his ppor standards upset you and as your husband he shpild not want to do that.

The whole thing sounds like a power struggle.

To answer a few questions - no we are definitely not religious.

I'm an introvert and the idea of a housekeeper has always filled me with dread but I have finally succumbed and we have agreed for our cleaner to come every morning for two hours to do laundry/beds/tidying up etc. So I do think this will help massively and I know we are very lucky that we can afford to do this.

What does he do - cooking because he enjoys it and I hate it. Grocery shopping when I give him a list (although I do big online shop too). Drop and pick up on days I can't due to work commitments - I juggle it most days. Takes son to football on Sat mornings. Erm that's it. I do everything else that goes into running a house and looking after children.

How about instead of trawling the internet to find one person who agrees with him, he listens to the one person who’s opinion actually matters and agrees to find a way to share the load?

Then point that out. Write doen all the things you do, including all the mental load, and compar it to his list.

Them divvy up
Jobs. Those jobs include the thinking about it and remembering too.

I absolutely refuse to have anything to do with dh’s side of the family for bdays and xmas. Thise cards and gifts, or not as the case often is, are his responsibility. Sometimes he has tried to put it on to me and ive said fine if it is a swap. Him the only child with no living grandparents. Me one of four, all woth partners, nieces, nephews, hreat niece admd nephew amd my grandma. He decided to deal with his measly list afterall...

It is very telling that he uses the word "help".

This drives me mad, he is not helping you, it's his job too. It is a shared responsibility raising children and running/looking after a household.

Like he helps YOU out by taking his children to school etc, are they not his children too?

So you basically do all the organising, because he is incapable too lazy to think for himself. Poor you, tell him to sort it out.

To be honest the issue here is you have told your DH you feel stressed and over loaded and he has sent you a old thread related to a SAHM and tells you to suck it up. Not particularly working as a couple or any attempts at him supporting hi wife who is feeling stressed. That’s the issue... I could give a list of stuff my OH does but he is the only one in our house that is able to sit and catch up with his TV programmes, has a snooze on the couch do zero childcare and then tell me that he has dropped off the youngest one twice ... woohoo brilliant for him. These men expect bloody star charts and rewards

Maybe you should both write a list of what you think you each contribute to family life and compare it? Seeing things in black and white makes them harder to avoid.

I knew it was going to have a religious element to it.

No I don't agree with the author of this.

She's quoting corinthians iirc - that one that gets read at weddings.

It's just out of date. She's martyring herself.

He cooks so now tell him all food shopping and meal planning is his job now. Then you do nothing even if you run out of everything. Do not cave first. Why not? That's how he does it with you.

One of the purposes of religions is to convince those who have been allocated the servant role (by those who intend to benefit from having servants) that they are magically suited to it. This is why all religions bang on about male superiority - they were invented by men for the benefit of men; an imaginary friend with a magic cock who designed women to be less than human (only 'special', you see.)

If your H is willing to pay for a cleaner/housekeeper, that makes him less of a shit than some. There's nothing at all wrong with paying someone to do domestic work - domestic shitwork is boring and most people would rather it were done by someone else. But paying for it is far more ethical than trying to convince a woman that it's naturally/magically/morally all her responsibility because she hasn't got a dick.

He's so clever isn't he? Trawling the internet to prove you wrong, he could have done the online shop in that time.
You are the manager and he is the helper, I hope you get the higher wage.
Counselling will be interesting, probably also tell you to lower standards. Don't accept that, if you split he would do 50-50.
I have a friend who lives next door to her partner, seems to work for them. Tell him to go fuck himself.

Thats what i do cottontail dh asks me wuite frequently what i want for dinner. I reply with i dont do the shopping so how can i answer that! That’s his job and i refuse to have any part of it. Even on my day off in the week i ask him what I’m making for the kids dinner after school. And he cooks oirs when he gets home. I just point blank refuse to think about food!

I don't disagree that in relationships we should strive to think about what we can do for each other rather than feeling resentful about what we do; however it is rather important that this is mutual and not one-sided. Otherwise it is the oldest most sexist trap in the book.

My tip for the standards thing is, yes, you do have to meet in the middle, but if you alternate who does what (apart from specialising in any tasks you love or excel at and the other hates), then you can accept they didn't do it exactly as you would because you are doing it tomorrow/next week. Or outsource (be nice if this was not inevitably to another woman but there you go).

I guarantee you will feel better about clearing up after him if you just put all his stuff in a bin bag and hide it. You can hide it in plain sight...he is a man, after all!

What's his response when you point out that the article is very clearly written by a SAHM when you work full time?

I mean, even aside from that it's a worrying article, but in that situation they have apparently made a decision as a couple for her to be responsible for household stuff while he goes out to work.

MitziK beat me to it, the only response to that is fuck off.

And yes, it's not 'helping', it's doing his fucking share. Arse.