Husband just sent me this re mental load/resentment/stress

[userloadsofnumbers]

herviewfromhome.com/the-ugly-truth-of-an-overwhelmed-mom-and-resentful-wife/

Hope the link works.

We have been having a few heated discussions re mental load in our house and how I am feeling quite resentful of doing pretty much all the wifework whilst trying to juggle three young kids and working full-time.

DH just forwarded me this link. In a nutshell, she feels like I do (overwhelmed, resentful) but concludes that it is basically her problem and that she needs to remember that marriage and children "comes with service. It comes with a willingness to give of myself and my talents to these people I love so much. If my heart is full of love, real love, then there cannot be room for resentment and bitterness,".

So, is she right? Should I just accept that if I love my family I shut up and put up?! I presume my husband also loves me and our kids - so why can't he pick up those socks, clear up after himself??

AIBU to disagree with this sentiment (happy to accept it if I am!). If not, what is an appropriate response to dh?

I don’t know what the solution is, other than giving him an ultimatum 🙁

Years ago my problem was resolved by leaving him. But I was younger and didn’t have kids. I simply couldn’t take anymore of feeling like this was my lot in life, that no matter what I said, he never changed. He would do things if asked, but I wanted a PARTNER, not a bloody employee.

I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I found myself in your position, because, like you, I wouldn’t want to leave him over it (once children are involved) but neither could I live like that again...especially with 3 kids added in, but I think I would give him an ultimatum because I couldn’t ‘put up and shut up’.

I appreciate that I am someone who needs to be in control and have my finger on the pulse, so I do ask for some of the mental load really. I wouldn’t mind the ‘what’s for dinner tonight’ or ‘do you want me to put some washing on’ BUT I’d lose my shit over abandoned clothing, books, mugs, dishes next to the dishwasher, dropped towels, lights left on type stuff.

I think I’d HAVE to say...

I
Am
Not
Your
Mother

...and I don’t have sex with people acting like my child. So grow the fuck up, take RESPONSIBILITY or Fuck Off. Because either we are doing this TOGETHER or I’ll just get on with doing it on my own without you adding to my load. I have reached the end of my rope discussing this. Either things change or it’s the end of the road.

...and mean it
🙁

www.google.com/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

Send him.this

when he's here - works away a lot. So who does all 'your' housework duties where every he stays when he's working away.

I would be making it very clear to him that instead of wasting his time looking for mumble jumble to excuse his behaviour and actually do something which would be helpful.

It doesn't matter if he's messy and your not the fact that he doesn't care enough about you not cause additional mess by just dropping his belonging as he comes in. And if in fact he saw you as his wife and mother to his children he would not be treating you as hired help.

I would start to gather all his 'crap' and hide it.

He shouldn't be so invested in blogs that strangers write. What a ridiculous thing to base his marital views upon.

I wondered who it was written by, at the bottom it mentions that she is involved in (American) bible stuff. It sounds like a sermon... the person who wrote it is clearly brainwashed by all that claptrap. Love is being a pathetic 1950’s woman.

I am not sure there is an appropriate response

But yes she is a religious SAHM whose husband does seem to take some of the load and help and she thinks of him as a true partner

Yours on the other hand does not seem to be a true partner nor does he want to be

I personally would go nuclear at his response - it shows how little he thinks of you and how much he has twisted the article to suit his narrative

In the same spirit as your DH forwarding that link, I wonder if he'd appreciate reading his way through the multi-volume, Open Letter to Shitty Husbands :

She divorced me because I left dishes by the sink (formatting is wrong):

It seems so unreasonable when you put it that way: My wife left me because sometimes I leave dishes by the sink.

It makes her seem ridiculous; and makes me seem like a victim of unfair expectations.

We like to point fingers at other things to explain why something went wrong, like when Biff Tannen crashed George McFly’s car and spilled beer on his clothes, but it was all George’s fault for not telling him the car had a blind spot.

This bad thing happened because of this, that, and the other thing. Not because of anything I did!

Sometimes I leave used drinking glasses by the kitchen sink, just inches away from the dishwasher.

It isn’t a big deal to me now. It wasn’t a big deal to me when I was married. But it WAS a big deal to her.

Every time she’d walk into the kitchen and find a drinking glass by the sink, she moved incrementally closer to moving out and ending our marriage. I just didn’t know it yet. But even if I had, I fear I wouldn’t have worked as hard to change my behavior as I would have stubbornly tried to get her to see things my way.

The idiom “to cut off your nose to spite your face” was created for such occasions.

Men Are Not Children, Even Though We Behave Like Them

Feeling respected by others is important to men.

Feeling respected by one’s wife is essential to living a purposeful and meaningful life. Maybe I thought my wife should respect me simply because I exchanged vows with her. It wouldn’t be the first time I acted entitled. One thing I know for sure is that I never connected putting a dish in the dishwasher with earning my wife’s respect.

mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/

Guide to the multi-parts:

mustbethistalltoride.com/about/

I'd send him back a few more links to posts from that blog and check that he'd like you to take them all as guidance for how to live your life.

Presumably he doesn't want you to go out and work
neitherheightnordepth.com/2018/12/04/not-just-a-wife-and-mother-a-love-letter-to-my-family/

Presumably he'd like you both to be seeking parenting advice from the Lord
neitherheightnordepth.com/2016/08/24/lord-guide-my-childrens-paths/

Your children are obviously regularly inviting their friends along to Bible Study?
neitherheightnordepth.com/2015/04/21/the-littlest-evangelist/

He'll be expecting all the females in his house to dress modestly at all times
neitherheightnordepth.com/2014/06/26/my-daughters-and-the-dreaded-bikini-talk/

Men just don't think. Why they fight for custody God alone knows as they're incapable of washing their own underpants. But we let them get on with it.

Thank so much all - I agree with everything you all say (prob all the years on mumsnet to thank for that - I have said in front of his mother that just because he has a penis does not mean he does not have to pull his weight - I blame her for treating him like a golden child for much of this!)

I think partly why we have ended up with him as the 'helper' role (which I resent and agree is wrong) is because he did work away for a while (2 weeks every month) so I obviously did it all and then he would 'help out' when he was back as I was clearly in control of it all. What I resented was the fact that I actually found life easier whilst he was away! There was less mess to clear up - if I cleaned/tidied the kitchen it stayed that way.

I think writing down in black and white what we do may help - I've told him but think a visual prompt may make it clearer. The housekeeper should be starting in a couple of weeks so that should hopefully make life easier - but we've already argued over what he expects her to do - he thinks he can cook dinner and leave all the mess for her to clear up in the morning - that is not acceptable to me - we still need to tidy up after ourselves - I honestly don't know where he gets this entitled chauvenistic, attitude from - and I have told him as much.

Off to take DS1 to a party now so will check in later but appreciate all your thoughts and comments.

Oh and to be fair to him he's probably sent me an article as I have sent a fair few to him (including She divorced me because I didn't do the dishes - I even highlighted bits! ). So I guess this is him doing it back...

Send him this article

www.radiotimes.com/news/2017-03-29/rio-ferdinand-on-life-after-his-wifes-sudden-death-and-the-poignant-ways-his-three-children-keep-her-memory-alive/

Doesnt sound like he's listening at all tbh OP. And he doesnt think very much of you if he wants you to act like his mother too.

Tell him he's a dick and if he doesn't start pulling his weight properly there will be bigger issues than dirty socks left on the floor

Particularly this:

The practicalities of domestic life were bewildering and overwhelming. “There’s all this organisation and structure within a family home that men don’t see. Women are thinking constantly what needs doing; I used to wake up, get dressed, have some breakfast with them, and then I’d take them, drop them off and get out and go to training, and think I was doing my bit.

“But that’s the easy bit. Rebecca would fill in all the blanks that I wasn’t involved with, but now it’s a totally different scenario. Where are their shoes? Where are their clothes? Where are their bags? Then you get in the school playground and you’ve got parents coming up to you, ‘Can we take him to a play date? Would you have so-and- so?’ And your kid’s saying, ‘Can I bring so-and-so home?’ And you’re just sitting there thinking, ‘Wow, this is mental’.”

Just don't let him get away with it, easier said than done, I know. The two of you are equally responsible and should both be pulling your weight. I'm sure you know this already.

To be honest, I can't believe the cheek of your DH, he needs reprogramming to behave in a decent way. Only you can do this by absolutely refusing to do his half.

I personally would go nuclear at his response - it shows how little he thinks of you and how much he has twisted the article to suit his narrative

I strongly suspect if you went to joint counselling he would do the exact same thing - manipulate the situation by painting himself as the victim to the counsellor and then either getting the counselling to position the blame on you or twist everything the counsellor says to justify his position and try to keep you in your place.

The way he wants to use the housekeeper is fucked up - he's trying to assert power. "I will do what I want, how I want, when I want and you will not tell me otherwise." That's not having different standards, that's him believing tidying is beneath him and to emphasise that point he's going to create as much mess as possible and refuse to take responsibility for it.

He doesn't respect you. Or any women by the sounds of it. Joint counselling won't change that.

The housekeeper should be starting in a couple of weeks so that should hopefully make life easier - but we've already argued over what he expects her to do - he thinks he can cook dinner and leave all the mess for her to clear up in the morning - that is not acceptable to me - we still need to tidy up after ourselves -

I doubt that this would be part of the housekeeper's role?
Plus how unpleasant for you to have to live with the mess that he leaves. Things would really be no better for you. Serious conversations ahead, I think.

I wish you luck

he is naturally very messy
this is a useful stance for him to take, in the event of a game of brinkmanship he is already poised to win

Fuck that surrendered wife shit. And both of you need to stop with the articles. It's about talking, not forwarding links.

Write down what you do. Write down what you feel he does. Have him do the same. Include hours at work. Then compare lists. This will show how far apart you are and give you lists to work from to 're-divvy' up the duties. If he won't do the lists or either of you think the others list is dead wrong or is unwilling to compromise, then you have a bigger problem than who takes the bins out

He doesn't respect you. Or any women by the sounds of it. Joint counselling won't change that.

I often wonder how therapists, counsellors, psychologists, and psychiatrists handle this when it surfaces. They can't all be deceived altho' I accept that they can only deal with what they're told and what they see in the room.

The backstory is that I know someone whose DH lied for 2 years about seeing a psychologist. When he finally did go to see someone about the chronic lying, deceit, unwillingness to behave like an adult etc. - from what he said about the sessions (and I'm getting this at best 3rd hand) it seems that there's pretty much nothing that even well-respected professionals can do to challenge such attitudes, unwillingness to be accountable, or even continued lies.

Total bollocks.

You can forward that to him if it helps!

I am naturally much messier than DH. Although I'm the one who notices the need for cleaning. We have reached, I believe, a good compromise. I try hard to be less messy and to tidy up more but he takes on the bulk of day to day tidying. It works because he's not picking up after me in the same way and he sees the effort I make.

It also works because he knows he's shit at other things. I do all the cooking and shopping and thinking about food. I tidy and clean the kitchen far more often. I

These are just two examples, but our lives are a huge mix of this type of thing - me stepping up more on some stuff and him on others. It didn't happen overnight and there were arguments along the way where one of us had to accept that we were not pulling our weight and others where one of us had to accept our resentment/irritation was misplaced. But what I appreciate is that we've both been willing to look at these situations and figure them out together. Neither of us dug our heels in and said, "no, this is my view and nothing can be changed." And importantly, DH did step up more and more. To be honest, for a long time he did absolutely zero thinking. And as a result, him getting annoyed with me because the lounge was messy was like a red flag to a bull for me. But over time, he's realised all the other things I do, and stepped up tot ake some of those away from me. And in response, I've made an effort to be tidier....

Piss poor rewrite of one of Paul’s letters to the Corinthians. In bible, Corinthians 13:4. Not an original though at all.

Wowsers trousers your husband sounds like a fucking knobhead. My DH is far from perfect and we have our moments but I work 3 days a week and he does his fair share based on that. He also never has a lay in because I limp along with an autoimmune disease and need the sleep, and he does all the laundry prep, hanging out and putting away because I do all the meal planning and dinners. And like I say, evenso we have our moments and I wouldn’t say I’m grateful for those things (other than maybe the lay ins which he gets very little payback for now that the children don’t wake it the night anymore, which was always my domaine) simply because for the labour he puts in, he gets my labour in return.

I very rarely say LTB but if your husband is really this much of a selfish, entitled prick stick in the late 19th century, I could not stay with him. You’d be better off divorced and getting 50% of your time off while he wrangles the kids and a home alone.

Oh and that article by that Stepford Wife is fucking preposterous. Maybe loving Jesus that much makes up for the other men in your life being such turds.