Husband just sent me this re mental load/resentment/stress

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herviewfromhome.com/the-ugly-truth-of-an-overwhelmed-mom-and-resentful-wife/

Hope the link works.

We have been having a few heated discussions re mental load in our house and how I am feeling quite resentful of doing pretty much all the wifework whilst trying to juggle three young kids and working full-time.

DH just forwarded me this link. In a nutshell, she feels like I do (overwhelmed, resentful) but concludes that it is basically her problem and that she needs to remember that marriage and children "comes with service. It comes with a willingness to give of myself and my talents to these people I love so much. If my heart is full of love, real love, then there cannot be room for resentment and bitterness,".

So, is she right? Should I just accept that if I love my family I shut up and put up?! I presume my husband also loves me and our kids - so why can't he pick up those socks, clear up after himself??

AIBU to disagree with this sentiment (happy to accept it if I am!). If not, what is an appropriate response to dh?

He sounds like an arse.

The housekeeper should be starting in a couple of weeks so that should hopefully make life easier - but we've already argued over what he expects her to do - he thinks he can cook dinner and leave all the mess for her to clear up in the morning - that is not acceptable to me - we still need to tidy up after ourselves

You're hiring a housekeeper, not a slave. And the housekeeper won't stay if they get this kind of crap to do.

The practicalities of domestic life were bewildering and overwhelming. “There’s all this organisation and structure within a family home that men don’t see. Women are thinking constantly what needs doing; I used to wake up, get dressed, have some breakfast with them, and then I’d take them, drop them off and get out and go to training, and think I was doing my bit.

“But that’s the easy bit. Rebecca would fill in all the blanks that I wasn’t involved with, but now it’s a totally different scenario. Where are their shoes? Where are their clothes? Where are their bags? Then you get in the school playground and you’ve got parents coming up to you, ‘Can we take him to a play date? Would you have so-and- so?’ And your kid’s saying, ‘Can I bring so-and-so home?’ And you’re just sitting there thinking, ‘Wow, this is mental’.”

This is exactly it. He's just not even aware of all the things that go on behind the scenes to ensure this house runs smoothly.

I strongly suspect if you went to joint counselling he would do the exact same thing - manipulate the situation by painting himself as the victim to the counsellor and then either getting the counselling to position the blame on you or twist everything the counsellor says to justify his position and try to keep you in your place.

This is precisely what worries me about going to counselling and why I haven't pushed it although we've discussed it. I've read a lot of horror stories on here about poor counsellors and fear it could make things worse by justifying his behaviour. He is very charming and likeable (what I fell in love with) and I fear I will come across as the nagging, resentful wife. It's interesting to see I have a unanimous YANBU.

I think a PP nailed it as we both have to compromise - he needs to step up a bit more and I need to let some things slide (which I believe I've been doing given all the arguments). It's just become such a sore subject that if I dare say anything he explodes (and I have told him this is totally unacceptable and if he carries on doing that I will LTB).
It just feels like he makes a bit of effort straight after a big argument but inevitably slips back into old habits and I end up resentful and snappy and this is a neverending cycle

You're hiring a housekeeper, not a slave.

Exactly. I have said these exact same words to him. But he thinks I'm a psycho because I tidy up before the cleaner comes - apparently that's for her to do. I keep trying to explain she can't clean if his crap is all over the kitchen surface because he is incapable of putting it in the dishwasher and she can't hoover if his clothes are all over the bedroom floor... but it's me who's unreasonable and no-one else tidies before the cleaner comes - just me.

He sounds like an arse.

In this instance I totally agree with you. This is the only thing we argue about - in all other areas he's lovely. But this issue really is affecting us and in my head it can be so easily avoided so I don't understand why he can't put that little bit of effort in given it means so much to me. The dishes article explains it so well, hence why I sent it to him.

Have you ever let him fail at something? So when it's his turn to drop the kids off in the morning, have you not had all their stuff ready?

Until he has to think about it and acknowledge it as a job in it's own right, he's never going to factor it into his share of he housework. He thinks he's doing 50:50, but he's actually only doing 20% because he doesn't realise the rest even exists.

I actually found life easier whilst he was away!

That's your answer, right there.

I hear you Lannie - but if it impacts the DCs as opposed to him I feel like I can't let them suffer. I do however leave him to it if it only impacts him.

This is the only thing we argue about - in all other areas he's lovely

...what ‘other areas’ are there?

This is how he sees you (domestic manager), the children (lovely to have if you don’t have to think about what they need, just play with them) and himself (master of all). You are there to facilitate his life.

There are NO ‘other areas’.

I’m sorry I don’t have ‘the answer’, but what’s perfectly clear is that BEFORE anything can be changed/fixed, YOU need to understand this isn’t ‘one annoying aspect’ it’s everything. It’s what he thinks and feels about you & him.

Not really the point of the thread, but, everyone tidies for the cleaner. Unless they poke in every drawer and cupboard in your house they don't know where everything goes. There is a difference between tidying and cleaning. Tidying = getting rid of clutter, putting things where they're meant to be. Cleaning = sanitising, removing dirt, wiping, disinfecting. To properly clean a work surface you have to move the pans off the surface. I don't understand how someone thinks a cleaner can clean with clutter everywhere

I’m sorry I don’t have ‘the answer’, but what’s perfectly clear is that BEFORE anything can be changed/fixed, YOU need to understand this isn’t ‘one annoying aspect’ it’s everything. It’s what he thinks and feels about you & him.

I understand what you are saying Christmas. And I wonder if this realisation is why I am so resentful.

His good points:

• he works hard and earns well
• all money is joint and he is very generous
• he is smart and funny
• he makes an effort with my friends and family
• he's a much better cook than me and makes me delicious meals
• he makes me tea
• the older two DC are from my previous marriage - he's taken them on treats them as his own. Contributes to school fees/takes them to activities etc
• he is happy for me to work or not and do whatever makes me happy

So, is him not tidying up after himself or not 'seeing' what there is to do around the house really that bad? It gives me the rage when I'm still doing laundry at 10pm and he's chilling on the sofa whilst the dishes sit next to the empty dishwasher and there's 6 pairs of his shoes in the hallway.

If I was also happy to be live in a messy home then we would be perfectly happy. So who needs to change - me or him? And if we can't/won't - do we split up over this?! Or can we reach a compromise that will actually last - has anyone managed to achieve this and if so, how?!

Not really the point of the thread, but, everyone tidies for the cleaner. Unless they poke in every drawer and cupboard in your house they don't know where everything goes. There is a difference between tidying and cleaning. Tidying = getting rid of clutter, putting things where they're meant to be. Cleaning = sanitising, removing dirt, wiping, disinfecting. To properly clean a work surface you have to move the pans off the surface. I don't understand how someone thinks a cleaner can clean with clutter everywhere

Exactly - but he doesn't seem to get this through his thick skull no matter how many times I've said this!

Its pretty much why my two marriages ended and why I wont get married again because I'm sick of being some twat's maid of all work.
Tell him there are plenty more like me.

Yeah fuck that

Bombard him with those sexist ads from decades ago that show women being ecstatically happy to be presented with vacuum cleaners etc.

When he asks why ask him if he still thinks he's living in the good old days.

I would be tempted to chuck all his stuff that's been left on the floor into a bin bag and put in his study or garage - that way the rooms are tidy for cleaning and he is not getting away with being lazy.

Mine had no idea until he was SAHD when ours were 4 and 5.
He had to do kindy runs and school runs, cook, clean and manage the household.
He did this for a year.
After this things were shared more but I still did most of the house management until the girls could drive.
We have cleaners and a chore list that is divided between the 4 of us.
Girls are now 21 and 22.
He complained recently that it is him organising the trades with work we are doing around the house.
I reminded him I had done it for years. He wants me to work full time, so he needs to do the arrangements as he can work from home, I can’t.
Things do change as DC get older, but he needed that year to see what needed doing.
Good luck.

Maybe you should just leave everything for a week. So when he arrives home to cook he has to clean up the kitchen first. Kick his shoes over to the side of the hallway but leave them there. Just stop tidying his stuff.

Do your DC tidy up after themselves?

Make a list of all the things you do. Make a list of all the things he does. If yours is longer by a mile surely he'll see it when it's written down in black and white.

Agree on things that you both think are necessary. Agree on things that only one of you thinks is necessary. For example, do you iron his clothes? Does he think ironed clothes are necessary?

Let the cleaner do the tidying. Pay for more hours if necessary.

Do you often end up with much less free time than him? Is that because you're doing things that only you think need doing?

(putting dishes in dishwasher is pretty fundamental, so it sounds like you're doing stuff you both agree needs doing, but he's sitting chilling and leaving you to it?)