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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh mum sulking and not speaking to him!

82 replies

Momasita · 12/01/2019 10:11

Dh mum hasn't contacted him or spoken to him directly except to say hello when he goes there ( rarely) for quite a while maybe a year or more? Friends of family had wedding and Mil went and got dh an 'outfit' to wear, he said he didn't want to wear it and she got offended. She also brought me a dress to wear and seemed offended when I turned up in something else!
Her dress didn't fit me.
They wanted us all to stay in the same hotel but we wanted to stay apart from them elsewhere and be independent. Fil asked dh to give his aunt a lift to the wedding venue but again dh didn't want too because other family members were all in the same hotel including sil who can drive, and they were 5 mins from venue we ended up about 3 miles away! We had our then 4 year old with us and I wanted to go to hair dresser in morning.

They massively sulked and fil interrogated me at wedding over our choices, Mil barely spoke to us! Fil gave dh a short speech on how upset Mil was he wouldn't wear her outfit!
Dh even did a speech at the wedding and Mil always pegs him as shy.. Neither sil nor Mil said a word to him about the speech.. To be fair fil did..

Since wedding Mil gone very frosty which has been quite nice actually but whilst relations have soured she still wants to see our dc... Dh drops then off occasionally but she barely speaks to him!

I just feel if she really cared for her son she would have stopped sulking over the the outfit and hotel and accepted that a married man will make his own choices and congratulated him over the speech? Sil also? Sil barely spoke to her dB and sat glued to Mil.

I don't feel comfortable going there anymore, the last time we did Mil served us tea and cake which was v nice but then went off to different rooms with a the dc leaving us at the table with fil whom I can't help feel was givens the job of keeping us there chatting so Mil could go off on her own. Hmm

That year for Xmas Mil gave us socks each which were lovely but previously had given us more. We went for Xmas and Mil and sil and sil bf all sat on the the other side of the room in a sort of huddle, with our dc (no other dc in family) and again dh and I are sort of left with fil Grin when dh or I moved to the huddle they seemed to move away.

Fil can only chat about certain subjects, he's OK but it wasn't by vision of Xmas being interrogated and chatting about trains, dry rot and investments Grin

At one point dh did something to his hair and I said out loud.. Dh you look amazing or something like that, and Mil quickly interjected... It's because he's my son. Hmm that's the closest thing to a compliment I have ever heard her say to him!

This is bizzare behaviour isn't it?!

OP posts:
Cranky17 · 12/01/2019 10:18

They’ve obviously decided to go low contact with you. Tbh it all sounds rather a shame, the mil sounds quite hurt by some behaviour,
Would it have hurt to stay in the same hotel as them? Was you independence so important,
And 6 miles for a family member isn’t that far.
Obviously now you’re thinking of removing the access to your child. Why? Any concern about the care? Do he come back with stories about you? If not why not let him a relationships with them.

fruitbrewhaha · 12/01/2019 10:18

It is utterly bizarre, and very controlling. Is there a cultural reason for getting you outfits for the wedding? Were the outfits traditional dress but you both wore western clothes? Or have I jump to the wrong conclusion.

Either way its very unpleasant and I'd distance myself from them. Don't go around to see them anymore. Do the children enjoy seeing her? I'd stop taking them around.

Ultimately, it's up to your DH to decide what to do, as they are his family.

Cranky17 · 12/01/2019 10:20

Fil can only chat about certain subjects, he's OK but it wasn't by vision of Xmas being interrogated and chatting about trains, dry rot and investments

Most people can be boring, my mum talks about people I’ve never meet and inwardly in roll my eyes. Maybe he was just trying to make conversation

BeautifulPossibilities · 12/01/2019 10:20

What on Earth? Why would she choose outfits?

Just play her at her own game- ignore her until she starts behaving like an adult

Aridane · 12/01/2019 10:21

There's more to this

indecisivepigeon · 12/01/2019 10:22

She bought you a dress?!?!? And expected you to wear it?!?! 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂🙄

As a PP says, they’ve decided to go low contact with you but, unlike the previous pp who seems to think you’re at fault, I think you’ve won a watch!

Why would you take your children somewhere when you’re going to be ignored? They’ll start to notice this and it’s incredibly awkward and on their part incredibly childish.

adaline · 12/01/2019 10:22

When you say she chose outfits - did she want you to wear cultural outfits and you turned up in western outfits? That's how I've interpreted it anyway.

The rest is just petty, but maybe she took the outfit thing as a slight and then when you refused to stay with them and didn't help out a family member, she thought you were snubbing then?

I mean, would it have hurt you to stay in the same hotel for a night?

Cclmsc · 12/01/2019 10:23

You sound very hard work , staying in a different hotel and then refusing to give a relative a lift. I can see why they are annoyed. I think you see are the one causing problems here

Miane · 12/01/2019 10:25

Clearly there’s backstory here but in general people who refuse to speak
to me don’t get to see my D.C.

StreetwiseHercules · 12/01/2019 10:25

This is one of the really good things about this site.

Stories like this mean that a generation of mothers are getting insight and positive reinforcement every day on how not to behave as a mother in law in the future, and are having their orthodoxy of ownership of their children challenged. It will help a lot of people in future.

Caselgarcia · 12/01/2019 10:26

I'd go low contact and if she raised the issue that she didn't see your DC I'd say 'you don't seem to enjoy our company'.
If she wants to see DC more she needs to stop sulking.

Singlenotsingle · 12/01/2019 10:26

Can't you just speak to MIL about it and clear the air?

Wordthe · 12/01/2019 10:26

There are batshit
you could have a lot of fun winding them up though😂🤣🤣

CarolDanvers · 12/01/2019 10:30

You sound very hard work , staying in a different hotel and then refusing to give a relative a lift. I can see why they are annoyed. I think you see are the one causing problems here

Grin I think this is MIL.

sherrysfortea · 12/01/2019 10:35

There's more to it and it's not "just a hotel"

It's probably another thing on a long long list of situations which they have tried to control

So to outsiders it seems like not a big deal but for OP and her DH it's a means of trying to get back some independence

Buying you both outfits is fucking mental

Original poster
Momasita · 12/01/2019 10:36

Yes there's more back story but it's this I found most odd.
No it's all western outfits Grin the outfit thing got quite tense a while before the the actual wedding. Dh had said more thanks but then fil kept it trying to push it. They wouldn't accept his no thanks. Also in the past (don't want to drip feed) but they did seem to use dh a lot as taxi driver etc but when dh and I needed a lift no one could help out. Its always one way with dh and his mum and sil.
Sil has driving licence, no partner, no dc and could have given the aunt a lift or very easily they could have got a large taxi. They didn't want to pay the the costs.
It was so uncomfortable after out fit stand off we didn't want to be in same hotel.
I felt fil was managing our time for us and organising us and I felt it came from a the fact dh didn't want ti wear the outfit. Like.. OK so your not doing that so you will do this.

Also I wanted to get my hair done and if we had stayed at hotel they would be into us questioning and they would think I'm wasting money getting it done so I just wanted to do it without eyes on me Grin

Mil chooses sils clothes and buys for her still so I do see from her pov it's normal?

OP posts:
Wordthe · 12/01/2019 10:43

Is this controlling behaviour something which is normal in their culture?

Original poster
Momasita · 12/01/2019 10:51

Dh finds it controlling which is why he wanted to make a stand over the outfit and other choices. Dh is lovely and uses to drop everything to run round after the them but now he won't they sulk. But I think a supposedly shy person giving a brilliantly delivered speech at wedding ie audience is more important and worthy of some positive feedback?

OP posts:
Xenadog · 12/01/2019 10:52

OP, just back away from them. It’s weird as fuck that MiL thinks it’s ok to buy you clothes to wear to a specific event and then sulks when you don’t. You are an adult and are capable of choosing your own clothes. The way they have treated you since suggests they are trying to punish you for being separate to them at the wedding. I’d totally pull back and not bother with them. Why put yourself through awkward times at their house?

What does DH want to do about seeing them?

AllMYSmellySocks · 12/01/2019 10:54

Since you insisted on booking a different hotel (which in a normal, happy family would be a rather odd and slightly awkward/offensive thing to do) I think some of the LC is obviously initiated by you rather than the in laws. You may have been LC as a result of their pushiness (buying adults outfits to wear to a wedding is bizarre behaviour) but it's fair to say that you guys (possibly with very good justification) pushed away from them too.

If their sulking is manipulative behaviour to try to control you I think you'll just have to accept it's what they're like. You can't change them but you can put in place firm boundaries.

GreenTulips · 12/01/2019 10:58

I won’t buy young teens clothes let along adults!!

Did you ask why she felt the need to buy you outfits? We’re they matching?

Original poster
Momasita · 12/01/2019 11:00

Socks I think your right about the hotel, maybe that embarrassed them to the wider family.

But we would have been more inclined to stay at the hotel had fil not called, texted, emailed hard messages about dh wearing a the outfit when he said no and /or asked nicely.. 'Would it be possible to give aunty b a lift' , rather than than the way it was issued as a fait accomplis....

sil is free agent but dh has me and dd

OP posts:
ApolloandDaphne · 12/01/2019 11:01

What sort of outfit did she buy your DH? Most men just wear a suit. It is very odd to buy adult children clothes to wear without them having a choice in the matter. I think being low contact with them sounds perfect.

CountessOfNowhere · 12/01/2019 11:07

PIL are controlling over the wedding, OP and her family stay in a different hotel to retain some control, some people are saying that it's their fault for causing the rift?

I wouldn't be leaving my DC with her tbh. Anyone who refuses to speak to me has no right to spend time with my DC. Who knows what she's saying to them for a start?

No, MIL needs to do some serious growing up imo.

Wordthe · 12/01/2019 11:07

They don't consider you to be adults, they consider you to be still children and subordinate to them the 'real' adults

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