Just one child

[MuddyMoose]

If you have just one child & have decided to have no more, AIBU to ask why you chose to stop at just the one? General curiosity.

My child is almost 4. I've been adamant for a LONG time that I would never have more and was totally content with that decision.

Over the past two months I have been totally consumed with urges to have another. I am trying to suppress it.

Our lives would undoubtedly be easier if we just stuck with the one; more money, more time to focus on careers, more time to dedicate to the child we have etc.

I just don't know what to do

We only have one, but through circumstance, not choice. We had fertility treatment for her, and were lucky to conceive first time. Unfortunately a couple of tries for a sibling all failed.
We often get asked if we have "only the one" or are we going to have more. People seem to expect others to have more than one child, without thinking there may be a reason why.
I don't mean that to have a go at you asking the question - you are not dieting it at a specific person and people can scroll on if they want. Not so easy when someone asks directly, or if your child asks why they haven't for a little brother or sister like their friends.

Reading with interest. I'm pregnant with our first and don't know if we will be able to afford or concieve another.

One by choice mainly. That choice being that I've never been particularly interested in children. Obviously once I'd had dd I pondered the whole should we have another thing but I was already almost 40 and live in Italy where's there's no childcare other than ancient relatives and neither was there any maternity leave so we were church mice and I went back to work.
I'm an only child and so was my dad. It's probably a family thing.
None of us feel we've missed out.

I almost died having the one I have, DS has a heart condition so a second child could also, and with one child we can afford treats and days out, and holidays, and music and dance lessons, which we couldn’t with two. I would rather focus on giving the child I have the best possible life I can - to me, that’s enough.

Technically we have one by choice as no known fertility problems but it doesn't really feel like a choice. Absolutely would never go through a natural birth again but don't want a c section either. Also have spent hundreds of pounds to repair my pelvic floor and don't want that undone.

Had PND and took months to bond with DS so can't take that risk again. Hated the first year of parenthood and have no desire to relive it.

Have no family support (including emotional support as am not close to my parents). Am an introvert who can just about cope with one child but couldn't with more.

Financially we wouldn't be able to afford childcare again until DS is in school and no way I am going back to babies at that point.

Love the fact that DS has all our attention and we can really focus on him. He is an amazing toddler and I think is really benefiting from so much 1-1 :)

For me one child gives the joys of parenthood but reduces the challenges :)

OH already had a child from a previous relationship. When we spoke about children he said that he really didn't want anymore than 2 and I was happy with 1. So even before DS was conceived we knew were going to only have the one together. There is a 10 year age gap, as well as only seeing DSS on weekends meant that DS grew up sort of as an only. At 14 and 24 they seem worlds apart at the moment but maybe as DS gets into adulthood they will have more in common.

Because one is easy, 2+ just looks stressful to me. I'm quite selfish and like time to myself. Also hate the sound of bickering. I've been very lucky with the one I have in so much as he's very easy to parent, I don't fancy my chances of getting another easy one.

Pretty much what Pottypotterer said. One is easy, life is good, it's peaceful and relaxed and lovely. I'm one of 4 (DP one of three) so we both know what life is like with many siblings and it wasn't for us.

I'll be sticking at one. I've always been maternal and if you'd asked me when I was younger I'd have said that I wanted lots but DH and I had discussed it and decided that we would have two for lots of reasons. However after a difficult birth and PND I decided that I just couldn't do it again. I'm not broody in the slightest any more and the thought of going back to the early days again fills me with horror (DH agrees!) It's so much better for us just having one as we're not well off at all and it gives us lots more opportunities, makes it easier to give him the life we want to. I'm so looking forward to getting time to myself and as a couple again sooner than I'd thought. I'm one of four and kind of accepted it as the status quo but if I really examine how I feel about it I realise that I really didn't enjoy it at all and feel a bit of resentment that my DM especially found it difficult to give us all the attention we needed and so we were often all competing for her time. I agree with pps too that I just want to focus on DS all the time and enjoy his milestones. If I could guarantee an easy birth and a healthy child, bypass the baby stage and know that there would be no sibling rivalry and they would get on then I might consider having another...but the risks are too great.

We always planned to have two, but then the birth of our first left me with a great deal of damage. I could technically have another baby, but at great risk to my long term physical health. We've decided that being a happy family of three, trumps a miserable family of four. I'm one of two though, and my husband is one of four, so neither of us really know what a one child family "looks like". It's something we're both struggling with.

While there are practical reasons to do with finances and lifestyle, the main reason is simply that I feel I am a better parent to one child than I would be to more than one.

I'm not especially maternal or especially a people person and I can give one child sufficient time and attention and support, but would find this more difficult with more than one.

I am the 5th of 7 children. My oldest siblings have relatively large families, the rest of us very definitely don't.

We were only going for one but got twins (they are lovely, though).
Reasons for only wanting one would be:

• Financial- far cheaper all round, especially for childcare and holidays
• No arguing- mine are only babies but I've seen friends kids go at each other tooth and nail and it really is an added stress
• More attention (people say they end up spoiled or smothered but as long as you're not OTT, there's no reason why they would be.
• More mature - this is a bit of a generalisation but I've always found that only children tend to be far more comfortable talking to adults, concentrating on mature subjects etc
• Environmental- (more of a driving point for some).

Hope this is helpful, OP

My parents stopped at one because they couldn’t afford more then their relationship broke down.

We didn't choose it. It took a decade to conceive DS. We tried to give him a sibling - more for his sake than ours - and it ended in the same result: multiple miscarriages. For numerous reasons we eventually reached the stage where we couldn't face this any more, and judged that our realistic prospects of having another child were just too slim.

NB. I'm at peace with that decision now but at the time it was incredibly painful.

Why do you think your children need siblings specifically in the UK, @tiggerkid?

Really interesting thread.

I've got 3 and have often wondered why (bar medical reasons) anyone would choose to stick to just one child.

I guess a lot of people wonder why anyone would want more than 2!

I love our little family of 3. The main reason apart from never wanting to be pregnant or give birth again (easy pregnancy and a ok birth I just don't want to do it again) the other reasons are:

We are old and knackered!
We struggle to each find time to do stuff for ourselves so time away from family with leave one home alone with 2 not just 1 to manage.
Life is good - I'm back at work and we have finally established a balance.
Our home is calm, there is very little conflict - we have to be careful not to spoil him and provide play dates for company with children, not just adults but he has both of our attention a lot and is doing brilliantly in all areas of development.
We will be able to provide the best we can financially, we would be stretched and therefore stressed with more than 1.
We will have amazing holidays abroad one day and we often have great days out.
Lastly, I have a tricky relationship with an older sibling, DH has an ok one with younger sibling. Neither of us believe that having a sibling ensures you're not lonely and I hope our boy had a real best friend one day who we can pay to come on holiday with us and I hope he develops a close relationship with his cousins.

Even if we could have another I don't think it would do anything positive for our family so staying as we are!

Financial reasons mostly. It’s been fairly easy to make that decision as I am an only child too and had a fantastic childhood full of love, I never felt as though I was missing out on anything. It’s still fairly early days though and as we get older and our situations change, maybe we will decide to have a second. At this stage I can’t imagine we will have another.

I am stopping at 1. I have a toddler under 2 and I feel too old at nearly 40 to have more - physically getting up and down off the floor and the energy requirements would be better suited to a 20's me rather than a 30's me!! Also, I enjoy giving my child my full attention, we get to do more activities that I wouldn't have the energy or money (or man power - is enough hands!!) for. I do hope I've done the right thing and there's a few friends with similar aged children and cousins etc so plenty of opportunities for play.

@Rodenhide - that is a generalisation as my DSD was extremely immature and poor talking to adults. She has improved since her half-sibling has come along.

Personally I think a lot depends on parenting as my nephews and nieces plus friends' children regardless of whether they are onlys or not, at the same or similar ages are and have been more mature. They have tended to have been given more freedom and responsibility which my DSD wasn't allowed until recently.

Currently DH and I have no children but are TTC.

I am an only child - due to my parents splitting up when I was 6 months old and my DM didn't have another partner until I was 17.

DH is the youngest of 3.

I would happily have 1 child. They would be brought up close to their cousins (DH's brother & wife have 3 children) as I was. I don't feel like I missed out on having siblings.

DH would like 2 or 3 as that is what he knows, he comes from a large family.

I am happy to just see what happens with one and go from there

We have one aged 5. Probably going to stick at 1- DH probably more keen on a second than I am, but he says he would be happy either way. We are a very happy little unit and things are much easier now the sleepless nights etc are out of the way. Considered having another when DC was aged 1.5-3 but financial, work, etc circumstances were not right - and we didn't feel any yearning. We have no family support (one set of GPs who live 4+ hours away and not particularly involved). If we had more family support we might have had another. I am one of 3 and parents could not cope, it was fun at time but also very stressful and they didn't monitor us much. I'm also the main breadwinner and had a dreadful pregnancy with health issues that are likely to reoccur (though I would put myself through it if I wanted another). My age is not yet a major factor but I am expecting to yearn for another baby over the next few years. It's hormones talking - I think we would be much happier to stick at one.

3 miscarriages, prem labour, SCBU stay and we decided to count our blessings and stop there. Ds is now 12 and I don't have any regrets