To think people who have children are bonkers

[Ichabod2000]

I read threads like these: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3228427-to-ask-what-s-an-adult-problem-that-nobody-prepared-you-for, and a common theme is the crushing relentlessness and thanklessness of parenting (motherhood in particular).

Why do it? Really? It's largely a voluntary choice, and has a tangible negative impact on your time, finances, career, relationships, and often physical and mental health. Not to mention the huge negative impact overpopulation is having on our planet.

I understand people feel overwhelming love for their children, but this is after the fact - you don't feel overwhelming love for children that don't exist yet.

And people talk about how rewarding it is - but there are lots of rewarding things you can do that don't involve propagating your genes.

I'm at an age where people ask me about my plans for children, and I just can't objectively see an advantage to it. I have a brilliant DH, an interesting job that I enjoy, and plenty of free time and moolah. Why would I make the conscious decision to risk these things I have? Why do so many make that choice?

I think it's bananas, personally, and I wonder if its just me that doesn't get it?

I originally didn't want children but my DH (now EX) did, so we have 2 who are now grown up. My children are my life as are my now grandchildren. They have made my life richer in ways too numerous to mention. Yes there are downsides, but would I do it again? In a heartbeat.

I kind of get Stop's point. So far, being a parent is largely what I thought it would be like. But there is a difference between experiencing the very long morning feeds, spit up, vomitting, incredible amounts of shit from a very small human being, crying, screaming etc and just knowing that you would experience it.
A lot of my friends have older children and are probably far more qualified to comment on this as there are obviously far more variances in experience from young children, as opposed to babies. The general consensus I've heard from friends is that they knew what was coming but the physical and emotional drain, while not necessarily unprecedented or unimaginable, is something you would need to experience before you said that you knew what it was like.

Reading some of the posts reminds me of the list of things that you should never say to someone whose child free.
I've had the most bizarre stuff said to me when I've said I don't want kids and of course all the schmaltzy stuff too.
If you can have kids it doesn't necessarily mean you have to or should.

I too have children but totally respect your view and agree with warlspeace. If I had my time over... would I have children knowing what I know now? No ...

'Unimaginable joy and show you what love is' a pp has said about having children. That's not necessarily the case for every parent!

I have four children and they, along with my husband, are my entire world.
I still see friends, I never moan about my kids, never need to, they're a great bunch, I home ed them too so I am with them all the time, and then at the weekends either my 17 or 20 yr old will keep an eye on the younger ones so me and their dad can go catch up with mates, or just have a wander down the pub.
I knew I loved my kids before I even had them, I knew I would have a few, I love everything about being a mum, and my husband loves being a dad, I don't define myself by it, I'm still me, but I also have a lovely group surrounding me who I adore and love, and who adore and love me, and after growing up in a very unhappy home, this is priceless to me :-) If you don't want kids though, fair play! :-)
I couldn't imagine life without any of them! x

Stevie69 and Lottapianos, with due respect, if you've not got children, you don't really have a clue!! But you won't know that until/unless you do! Which is fine! (But it is quite annoying when people without kids think they know all about what being a parent is about)

We definitely have a clue. We do actually talk to parents. I don't think either myself or Lottapianos ever claimed to know all about what being a parent is about.

I think those of us with kids should say a huge thank you to those that don't. As OP says, environmentally, children are a bad idea, and on all levels an extremely irrational choice. However, I very selfishly have 3 and the lack of sleep, money, career sacrifices etc would never outweigh the pluses. Irritationally, I always always wanted to be a mum, and I genuinely think I would have really struggled with mental health if for whatever reason that hadn't been possible.

You are being unreasonable what a strange post being a parent is the best thing I ever did all the negative things you said are rubbish when you have 3 lovely dc you just don't care about the negative things they are worth all that parenting throws at you

Just wanted to add, for the record, that I adore my children. That’s the problem. Because I cannot cope with the concept of being without them, i am destined to a life of fretting about them dying, me dying before they’re ready for me to die. If you think about it too long, it becomes a living hell. So I try not to. But it’s there. My son (he’s autistic, as is his brother) has made a number of serious attempts on his life so maybe I’m more keenly aware of these thoughts but even with the NT 2, I worry about everything from them getting home safe (they range in age from 9 to 19), having a liveable income, not getting beaten up all sorts. It is unending and I cannot escape these feelings which are a product of such profound love.

I don’t mean to be a misery guts because obviously there are proud and joyous moments but this is how I feel about being a parent. I don’t understand it. It’s just how it is.

It’s the whole point of everything. The must rewarding and valuable of struggles. Or if you like choose self absorption and endless consumption,, when shiny things are no longer interesting and your orange skin is hanging off of your skinny arse, you’ll regret that there is nothing left to enjoy. Who honestly would chose a life without magic

Wow. Put the boot in, why not? I still like my 'shiny things' and hope to continue to enjoy them. I also love my skinny arse if I'm being truthful. Have no idea where the orange skin comes in; I'm as pale as they come.

We all clearly feel so different and that's ok. I appreciate people's honesty here and their thoughts. I admire people who have the courage of their convictions, whichever way that takes them.

OP, I think you are getting a lot of grief for saying you don't want children. i totally respect that decision, and much better that children are not born to parents who are not that bothered, but just feel they ought to procreate for societal reasons etc.

I always knew from being a child myself that i wanted to be a mother. I only have one, and now sadly I have shared custody with his father. People say you can have the best of both worlds with only 50% parenting. But after the first day or possibly 2 of recovering from a whirlwind week; I am desperate for him to come back and fill the house with noise, toys and life... so yabu to say people who have kids are bonkers. Maybe we are; but don't knock it till you've tried it...

I have a friend who is a solicitor and she sometimes finds it very sad helping people with no children make wills. Sometimes they have no one to leave their property to and it just feels like after they are gone that’s the end.

@Ahardyfool for you.

I actually don't moan at all; can't stand when people have child after child despite seeming to loathe everything about them. For me, years of infertility where I just knew (very hard to describe) I wanted children, eventually having them has resulted in a depth of happiness and fulfilment that nothing pre-children even came close to. I had a great life pre-DC, good job, great relationship, lots of holidays, great social life etc, but nothing even comes close to the love I feel raising these little people, and the joy they bring on a daily basis.

Having said that, not everyone will feel like this. If you don't want children, don't have them. It's really that simple.

I’ve never wanted kids, but ended up with four that the people who gave birth to them, because of their primeval urges, decided were too much hard work. I took them in because they would have ended up in care or split up. I adore them and wouldn’t be without them, but I still get asked by parents if I have any family of my ‘own’. Meh, some people are cunts.

Still glad I didn’t have the urge, but I guess that’s just because I’m ‘selfish, don’t know my own mind, will regret it later, don’t know what it’s like to have kids, weird, not a real woman, not really married...eh?...., ect’ And my personal favourite “you must not regret not having kids now that you no longer have (late husband)” fuck the fuck off!

Have kids, don’t have kids, it really isn’t anyone else’s business. Both ‘sides’ can behave like judgmental cunts.

I think those of us with kids should say a huge thank you to those that don't. As OP says, environmentally, children are a bad idea, and on all levels an extremely irrational choice. However, I very selfishly have 3 and the lack of sleep, money, career sacrifices etc would never outweigh the pluses. Irritationally, I always always wanted to be a mum, and I genuinely think I would have really struggled with mental health if for whatever reason that hadn't been possible.

And those of us without should say a big thank you to those of you who do. If you search back through my previous posts, that's something I'm quite clear about.

And there's no absolutely no problem in choosing to have children because you wanted to. Truth be told, I didn't think about the environment when I decided I didn't want them. I thought about me. I simply didn't want to have somebody that I'd have to look after ..... well, for ever really I wanted a simple life.

@Ahardyfool my mother in law lives with me now. We've had a lot of long conversations about how desperate we both felt during the last few months of her son's life (my husband). There is nothing in the world that can come close to the never ending anxiety and fear that the person you love most in the world wants to die, and thinks that them dying is actually the best thing for you, when in actuality it is the very worst thing that they will ever do to you.

I hope your son gets the help he needs.

It’s the whole point of everything. The must rewarding and valuable of struggles. Or if you like choose self absorption and endless consumption,, when shiny things are no longer interesting and your orange skin is hanging off of your skinny arse, you’ll regret that there is nothing left to enjoy. Who honestly would chose a life without magic

Point proven.

I have a friend who is a solicitor and she sometimes finds it very sad helping people with no children make wills. Sometimes they have no one to leave their property to and it just feels like after they are gone that’s the end.

Well, yeah but it's a drastic step to take just to ensure that I've got somebody to leave my property to.

I was happy to just be married but my husband wanted a little one even tho he had 2 from a previous relationship i was so happy that he wanted another one even tho we were both mid 30S I gave birth age 30 and it is the best thing I have ever done it is the hardest thing but the most rewarding I was lucky to have 1 year maternity leave and now work 5 mornings a week don't get me wrong it's trying, frustrating but I love my son to the moon and back and he is the best part of me I love being a mummy x

I have a friend who is a solicitor and she sometimes finds it very sad helping people with no children make wills. Sometimes they have no one to leave their property to and it just feels like after they are gone that’s the end

The most tragic thing about that, is the fact they didn’t spend all their money having a good time!

i have 3 , i had my last at 30 hes now 18 i wish i could of had more, i adore my kids and my grandkids but im sometimes sad that im too old now even though im so broody , depends what you want out of life i suppose, i think people are mad not to want kids how could you not want to be covered in milky vomit and be exhausted haha

Ichabod , each to there own !