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Original poster

Interfering dad causing hell

273 replies

Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 13:53

My dad is 70,he is a very controlling, opinionated person, a narcissist, everyone is wrong about everything, he is right.

I am mid 30s, married with 2 young kids, been with my husband for 17 years. I left home at 21 as couldn't bare to be with my dad any longer and me and oh rented a place.

Dad started to interfere and put pressure on us and 10 years ago, my husband and I ended up making (almost forced to) a rediculous, stupid decision to accept my dad's offer of buying us a home and us paying him reduced rent when i had the children . This sounds amazing, and i realise we are exceptionally lucky to have security in our home, but it was basically forced upon us. We should never ever have done it and i regret it every day.
At every opportunity my dad likes to bring up that we pay him a low rent, he doesn't think we should ever buy anything, go on holiday, have pets, decorate, anything we spend should be offered to him as extra rent. I feel like we can't live at all. We live very frugally, low priced food, buy clothes from charity shops, all our furniture is 2nd hand, old cars etc.

Im reaching the end of my tether now, ideally I want to go no contact with him for many many reasons, (my sister has already for the past 3 years) but can't because my poor mother would see noone and wouldn't see her grandkids. I want to sell up, give him the money back and break free, preferably in another part of the country but we can't because we are trapped by large outgoings. We don't have a spare penny to even afford the lowest rents or mortgages anywhere.

What the hell can we do to change this situation. We live 2 miles away from them so they watch over us with a magnifying glass. I'm concerned that he will start doing this with my kids when they are teens and start forcing cars and houses on them that come with conditions.
I know we are lucky and I am grateful but that doesn't mean we should have to live like this does it? Noone ever dares to say anything to him :-(

OP posts:
diddl · 11/01/2019 15:40

If you can't afford the running costs then of course you need to sell the house!

VeganCow · 11/01/2019 15:42

he said why didnt you go to him for money when you needed a car? He sounds, and has been extremely financially generous. He knows you have no money. Why dont you just run it by him every time you need to spend money, get him to check you aren't overpaying (car, boiler) and maybe thats all he wants? Could it come from a place of worrying about you, rather than your perceived 'taking over' ?

user1494670108 · 11/01/2019 15:43

I've not read the full details but what you're asking for and saying you want is for him to change and you or us can't make that happen. The only thing you can change is your response to him. Rather like the alcoholism phrase read in here, you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't control it

Lizadork · 11/01/2019 15:43

Is the house in your names? If so, I'd just pay your Dad the "rent" and then tell him nothing important at all ever and reduce contact but don't stop it.

Maybe try to add up precisely how much you have paid off the house via rent. You mentioned selling up so is house owned outright, or is someone still paying on it and if so who?

crimsonlake · 11/01/2019 15:45

The problem is that you allowed your father to purchase a house for you that you could not afford the running costs on comfortable. It seems like a bad decision all round, I agree you need to downsize if at all possible.

N2986 · 11/01/2019 15:48

Definitely sell. Just tell him you aren't happy only paying reduced rent and you'd rather buy somewhere smaller you can afford.

Maybe he expects you to be saving your spare cash to pay him back a lump sum. Are you off on maternity?

RepeatS1gnal · 11/01/2019 15:50

If your father passed away will you stop paying the rent ? Is the house already mortgage free ?

mummmy2017 · 11/01/2019 15:50

Your dad must be well off to afford 250k no mortgage.
I think you need to sit down and sort where your money is really going. As I pay half my money on rent...
You could do the credit cards and no interest things, and pay off your loans quicker.
Food are you spending too much 9n take aways and nice things...
Maybe have a cheaper car and save for the next one with cash.

VanGoghsDog · 11/01/2019 15:55

@madmum5811

He's not dead, you can gift anything you like, no tax implications at all (until you die, and even then there might not be).

Ballbags · 11/01/2019 16:00

I've got the sense OP rather likes living in a large 5 bed (who wouldn't?!) so is not the slightest bit interested in suggestions of downsizing.

TwigTheWonderKid · 11/01/2019 16:03

Sell the house, give him his money back and buy a 2 bed flat?

Original poster
Grubsmummy · 11/01/2019 16:04

my original question was basically ....

Although my dad did a lovely thing for us, that we are very grateful for, does that mean for the remainder of our lives we have to put up with control, interference, restrictions, guilt tripping, arguments and constant digs.... And alot of you think that yes we should put up with that!!

OP posts:
3luckystars · 11/01/2019 16:04

You are living beyond your means. You are not earning enough to live in a 5 bedroomed detached expensive home.

I know the dad situation feels controlling but it sounds like he was well meaning and has dug you out of a few financial holes. He would have been better off not helping you, because you would have learnt how to manage your money realistically.

Please dont think i am saying any of this in a mean way, i completely and totally understand your situation.

You need to take a serious look at your finances, get a book out of the library, plan ahead and change your ways or you are going to end up in deeper and deeper financial trouble. None of this is your fault.

Good luck.

CSIblonde · 11/01/2019 16:04

I feel for you OP. I'd second pp on going on moneysavingexpert.com to reduce your bills & insurance. Don't give your father any info on days out, purchases etc apart from general stuff re kids etc. The less he knows the better. Don't involve him in decisions as it perpetuates the dynamic he wants, him the adult controlling you the child. Has he any interests you could develop into time consuming hobbies to occupy his time by googling clubs & Internet forums he could join? Genealogy, Chess, Gardening, History, fishing,bowling,model making etc? And what do you have in writing re the rent/house. Do you work, would a 2nd job help you move? Even ironing etc pays quite well on taskrabbit.com & you can do it at home. Finally, if you call his bluff & say we can't pay going rent so to be fair to you, we should make other arrangements/move/emigrate, what does he do? Would it shut down the carping?

Grace212 · 11/01/2019 16:07

no I don't think you should put up with this

but I do think you have a house you can't afford to run, so you need to sit down with him and discuss that - or sell up without talking to him about it, but that seems mean.

how long do the loans go on for? it sounds like you had to do a lot of work but of course, you took a free house - so there's got to be a way to wipe the slate clean and start again.

Tonsilss · 11/01/2019 16:09

Are you paying your dad interest? If not, this is a fantastic deal. Especially if he has no power to take the house back if you stop paying him back for it.
To be honest, in the current economic climate, and with the financial issues you appear to have, I would swallow some pride, up the payments back to him as much as possible , and have a quiet civilised chat about boundaries.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 11/01/2019 16:10

Well you pays your money and you takes your choice OP.

I do think quite a lot of people would put up with a few digs to live in a 5 bedroom house for £200 a week.

But you don't have to. It's up to you really.

poppiesallykatie · 11/01/2019 16:10

MistressDeeCee you have several options to resolve this, but you keep saying "can't".

I know it sounds old school. but this is brilliant advice. Replace 'can't' with 'won't'. He has given you a head start in life that many on here would not have the chance of. Rein in your outgoings and do it on your own steam.

poppiesallykatie · 11/01/2019 16:12

If his influence is so bothersome, man/woman up and head off into the sunset

BGD2012 · 11/01/2019 16:12

Does your father financially help your sister too?

howmanyusernames · 11/01/2019 16:15

I think you should sell the house, it's in your name so you can do this, unless he had a charge on the property (I think I have read the whole thread so apologise if I've missed something and you can't!).

Pay your Dad back what he gave you, £250k. Any equity is yours. Your Dad may argue that he is entitled to this too, but if you plan to go NC with him anyway just tell him he's not.
It's better to give him back what he's given you so he doesn't have that 'hold' over you, and what you have in equity can help out with rent or put towards a deposit for a smaller house, which in turn will help with your outgoings as utilities etc will be less.

You said you want to go NC so do, don't take anything more from him, cut all ties and move on with your life. If your Mum wants to see you/the kids she comes to you or you meet her out somewhere.

But you also need to take some responsibility for whats happened, no-one can force you to do anything, especially if he has history of this sort of thing. Deal with the house, cut ties and move on.

Juells · 11/01/2019 16:15

TBH I'd have thought if the OP didn't want to continue living in the house the fairest thing would be to just transfer ownership back to her DF. Selling it, pocketing £53,000, and distancing yourself comes across as a slap in the face. How likely is it that the OP would get a mortgage? I'm being harsh, I know, but I think the OP is being a bit harsh to her father who has handed over £250,000. Posters on here frequently remark that nobody appreciates what they get for nothing, and it's certainly true.

howmanyusernames · 11/01/2019 16:15

£250k LESS what you have already paid back! ☺

justonemoreminutepls · 11/01/2019 16:16

not saying you should put up with it, but presumably you knew what you were getting into?!

WrongKindOfFace · 11/01/2019 16:17

Sell the house, pay your debts and your dad, put the equity towards a deposit for an affordable house you can afford to run.