Would it be unfair to have another child?

[MediocrePenguin]

I appreciate its rather weird to ask an Internet forum but here goes. We have two kids already DD 9 and DS 6 and always thought we’d have three. For various reasons (mostly I guess, DH and the kids not being that keen) we put it off and off.

Anyway I’m nearly 40 now and it feels like my last chance is approaching and I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting another. DH, I know, would agree to have another if I really wanted but deep down him and the kids are happy with the status quo. So would I be unreasonable to put this on them, considering that there would now be a big age gap and as a family we are at a nice relaxed stage? Would it be mad to go back to the baby days?!

Help. Should I stick or twist?

Chance of twins is increased given your age

Just saying

Someone else had a thread about Shag-uary. You should get going only 2 weeks left

I have five children - the youngest was born when I was 38, and when the older four were 11, 9, 7 and 5. Now I am 41 and the children are 13, 11, 10, 8 and 2 and we are expecting a sixth (and last). The relationship between the youngest and the older siblings is wonderful - they all adore him and choose to spend time playing with him (I would never expect them to "babysit").

While I can see how much easier life would be now if we didn't have a toddler to contend with, I wouldn't swap it for the world - having another chance to go through the baby stage has been a complete joy.

My older children have never shown any resentment or jealousy towards their youngest sibling and were delighted when we told them we were expecting another. We're having another because I didn't want the youngest to feel like an only child when the older ones had left home. That was a decision for us, and not something we would have involved the children in.

I feel the same OP

I say go for it. My DN4 is the third of three with a 6 year ago gap and the kids all get on well, bar the usual squabbles. They love each other in the main. My Dsis works full time so the big age gap suited her. It works for them.

6 year age gap between the youngest and next eldest that is...

Careful what you wish for OP. I know a lady who did this exact same thing... And got twins!! She's knackered but is overall pleased she went for it. Slightly different dynamic there though I suppose with two older kids and two young rather than just the one little one getting all the attention. Who knows. Anyway, I would say just go with your heart and if DH is happy to go along with it then why not? I also wouldn't let the older kids opinions sway you, my DCs change their minds with the wind. It's about how you and DH would honestly cope.

We had our third when our older DC were 8 and 5, I was only 34 though. I found the jump from 2 to 3 massive, and it didn't help that number 3 was a difficult baby. We needed a bigger house, a bigger car and i can honestly say that we stopped doing family stuff and foreign holidays for a long time. Partly due to extra cost and partly due to the fact that she was so tricky. Now I realise that she had sensory issues and was uncomfortable and unhappy much of the time. By the time she was 5 or 6 and a bit easier the older ones weren't interested in doing family stuff anymore. There was a sort of divide in the family, if that makes sense, even though of course we all love her to bits. That's our experience, for what it's worth.

Oh yes and I know someone who went for baby number 3 and had triplets!

Thanks so much for all of your replies and stories. You are right - no one can make the decision apart from me and DH but reading through the comments has really helped make things clearer.

Deep down I think I knew that having another wasn't right for our family but it will always be a little hard waving goodbye to the child I thought I'd have. Maybe exasperated a little by the little girl I was once pregnant with but lost.

I think now it's time to focus on everything we do have and look forward to the future together x

You have two children, it would be selfish to another as your husband doesn't want one.

Enjoy what you have, you are blessed!

I meant to say, "...to HAVE another...".

No I would say its too late now. Your kids are at such a great age now and a new baby would wear you out and hold you guys back from so many things. I do have 3 kids so I can appreciate how you feel but my advice would be to hold off & wait for the feeling to pass. It's probably your ovaries trying to throw one last party before you enter your 40's 😛

A six and an eight year old are easy. Why you would want to start all over again with sleepless nights and nappies is beyond me! It will be a real struggle to do family days out etc you’ll be constantly juggling. I think it’s just your body rushing younwoth hormones as you get older closer to you non child bearing years

I would go for it but I love babies! They say you never regret the children you have but might regret the child you don’t have (or something ). My sil was in a similar situation (but she already had 5 kids) and there is a 7 year gap between the two youngest - the older kids ADORE the baby!

Cherish the family you have and appreciate how fantastically lucky you are. Your husband doesn't want another and you can't argue with that.

talk some more with your dh I know many with the same age gaps and more kids so infact more so between the very eldest and youngest.
my auntie had miscarriages in between and so it took this long for her to get pregnant and they all love eacohter.no problems.and my aunt would always have been wondering and wanting that third so it took lots of bravery to keep trying.all now grown up and are best mates but always so lovely how they are particularly protective of the young girl.

If it’s meant to be it will happen anyway, enjoy unprotected sex and see what happens :)

My friends who have three have always said they find it incredibly hard - and we all have lifestyles with lots of help, great free schooling etc, decent salaries and lots of extra support. I think having three is a huge jump from two and a massive financial and time strain - 3 kids to get through university, get to activities and clubs, etc etc. More expensive holidays. Lots of places don't do rooms for families of five. My friends all get sad that they cannot sit together on the plane etc etc. Sounds silly but I have had several tell me not to have three - even though they worship and love their children. My DH is one of three and hated it. He always swore he wouldn't have three either.

I have a 4.5 year age gap between 2 and 3 and it was definitely hard to go back to newborn stage when the others were more independant. Having to juggle sleeps with school drop offs and pick ups and sports is hard.

You have to take into consideration your husbands feelings, a baby can be a huge strain on any relationship.

We considered it when our dc were at a similar age. I remember being about 36/37 and thinking I would one day regret not having another. But I’m so pleased that we didn’t. Reasons being:

Teenagers require almost as much attention as toddlers; don’t underestimate hormones and emotions.
Teenagers require a lot of lifts and taxi-ing about which I guarantee will not fall in with nap times!
Teenagers are bonkersly expensive. This month alone we have had to fork out over £3000 on orthodontics, extra-curricular clubs and school trips!
We have university on the horizon as well as driving lessons and cars. I know when we get to that stage we will be grateful to only have to pay for two children.
Holidays are easier and more affordable with two. In the last three years we have taken our two all over Europe, to Asia and to the other side of the world!
We have had to buy a bigger car to accommodate teenage legs however it means that they (and the dog) are able to travel in comfort when we take long trips.
The girls have their own room and we get to keep our spare room!
I have aged quite significantly in the last few years and I don’t think that pregnancy and child rearing would have helped much with that. (Vanity alert).

My dsis was born ten years after me and dbro, I love her dearly and shudder to think of a world without her, but being dispassionate, my teenage years were pretty crappy compared to what my dds have. We had pretty rubbish holidays, we had to be taken from our school and sent more locally because of the strain of the long school run plus baby, my dsis was very much the apple of my parents’ eyes when I was going through the grotty teenage years, and most fundamentally, my parents had very little time for me and dbro. I was allowed to drift quite badly when I was past 16, almost as if my parents couldn’t really be arsed anymore, and flunked my exams etc. Now I’m not going to blame all that on my lovely sister and the effect she had, because I appreciate that I was born in a different era where parents were a bit more blase and holidays were generally less accessible and more expensive etc. However I do think my sister’s arrival changed the family dynamic quite fundamentally.

There was a post the other day, a lady posted that she was very hurt her DH had said he wanted another baby and if she didn't (she didn't) he would have to have one with someone else as he didn't want to miss out. They'd been together a significant amount of time and had older kids.
Most of the responses were that - that it was his right if he wanted more kids and she didn't and she was being selfish.
It's so strange the completely difference responses people can get even in similar situations.

We have a seven year gap. Not from choice, we had problems falling pregnant the second time. It is different starting over after being out of the baby/toddler period. But it also has advantages. The older kids adore the baby and want to help out (too much sometimes). And I love the one on one time I get with bub when my older daughter is at school. The big gap has worked out really well for us.
I am also one of 6 kids. My oldest sister is 10 years older. My youngest sister is 5 years younger. My oldest sister was having her kids when I was still young but she's like a Grandma figure to my kids now. My youngest sister and I had our first babies together. She was 20 having her first and I was 25 having my first.

You just can't predict how things will go!
Good Luck 😊

I always assumed that families that have two close together and then one much later, have had a surprise pregnancy. The thought that someone would do it on purpose never crossed my mind!

I would get a puppy honestly.

You say logistically you'd be fine but does this mean OK because of having to make compromises and therefore doing with less but managing, or would you still be able to enjoy everything you wish for your kids and you as a family? Do you work? Would this have an implication?

A but different but met my OH when I was 38. We agreed to have a child together (he had none) and a year later when my two kids from first relationship were the same age than yours. I fell pregnant 1st month trying but miscarried. We were devastated but positive it would happened again. It didn't and tests showed that we both had fertility issues and although not impossible, the chances of being pregnant again were very low. I spent the next two years in a frenzy to make it happen believing perseverance and patience would pay off in the end. In the meantime, my OH gradually accepted that it would and started to feel that he actually wasn't sure about being a dad.

In the end, I got to 42, started to go through the menopause and finally came to term with it. However, things changed quite a bit for me then, extra stress at work, perimenopause impacting on my sleep and mood, exhausted all the time and suddenly the idea of having a baby/toddler/youmg child became an ultimate nightmare. I actually felt sorry for friends/family who did and relieved it wasn't me. I don't know if it's fate, but 10 years on, the idea that I could ha e a 9 yo child fills me with dread and I am soooooo relieved that we don't. We've paid our mortgage and are in a very good financial position. I can help my eldest through Uni, pay for my youngest to get driving lessons like I did with the eldest, we enjoy fantastic holidays, and best of all, we can start contemplating retiring in our mid 50s, something that would have been impossible with a younger child.

Saying that, I have friends who had a surprise 3rd child years after the second and are over the moon and say they've enjoyed bringing them up more than the others. Also, there is a 6 year gap between my OH and his next sibling who is only 2 years younger than the eldest and they are much closer then number 1 and 2 are and always have been.

My dds are now 23,21 and 11.
I always intended to have 3 or 4. Never 3 close together because I was the middle of 3 close together and it was not fun
So I had dd1 at 27, dd2 at 29. I thought I would have another at 34 and try again before packing up.
What happened was I didn't try until 37 (due to parents being ill) and it then took until I was 39 to get pregnant so I counted my blessings and moved on. But in the interests of balance I would say
Dd3 Is a delight. Nicest kid you could meet. She has had love and support from basically 4 adults her whole life. I worried a lot about her being spoilt but that hasn't happened in a negative way
Downsides. Having teens and toddler was ageing. Jeez, all the worry and expense of teens with exams, hormones etc. Toddler did remind me why I bothered in the first place though. The second I finished paying for nursery for dd3, university costs for the oldest turned up.
Nocturnal teens and young child hours don't mix. I found it hard to sleep until the oldest ones were home. Youngest one up at 6.30!
And finally, truly in the interests of balance; I am 50 and am still making decisions based on school catchment, term time holidays, childcare, is tv/ film suitable and so on. Without the third, life would be different. Not better but different.

I had two boys, 13 and 8. I then had my dd at 37. A big gap between them, but wouldn’t change it for the world. Their relationship is lovely. Good luck with whatever you decide.