Would it be unfair to have another child?

[MediocrePenguin]

I appreciate its rather weird to ask an Internet forum but here goes. We have two kids already DD 9 and DS 6 and always thought we’d have three. For various reasons (mostly I guess, DH and the kids not being that keen) we put it off and off.

Anyway I’m nearly 40 now and it feels like my last chance is approaching and I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting another. DH, I know, would agree to have another if I really wanted but deep down him and the kids are happy with the status quo. So would I be unreasonable to put this on them, considering that there would now be a big age gap and as a family we are at a nice relaxed stage? Would it be mad to go back to the baby days?!

Help. Should I stick or twist?

Well if you want my personal opinion...🤮no way 😂😂

Personally, I wouldn't - you are well last the baby stage now and going back to nappies/sleepless nights/bottles (possibly) and all of the drama of weaning/potty training etc would take a lot of time from your older children.

Also, I suspect there may be resentment if the older two don't want another sibling.

@birdiewoof that's interesting to hear! Was it hard going backwards again to the baby days?! Do your elder two get jealous at all? X

Don't do it. There is a 12 year age gap between me and my youngest brother (another three in between) and it really does exhaust the parents, the eldest gets pretty much ignored (in my experience anyway) and the family is split.

Do your current children and husband's opinions mean nothing to you?

I don’t think it’s fair on the older kids in all honesty. I wouldn’t rock the boat.

Do people really consult their children whether they want a sibling?
No one can answer this for you: you and your partner need to weigh it up.

I don't necessarily think it would be unfair - but I don't necessarily think it would be the right decision. It sounds like you have a lovely, happy family which DH (and the other kids - although they might be less able to envisage what a baby sibling would be like long term) is already happy with and probably wouldn't choose to change. Another will stretch time and resources more and you'd have to consider the possibility that the third child could have a disability or just be higher needs than the others.

@MediocrePenguin it was quite tough, the hardest thing I found was doing the school run in the morning. Definitely worth it though, he’s fab. The big two get more jealous of each other than the baby no big deal, it’s easier now he’s a toddler, they found it a bit strange at first, only 18 months between the big ones so the eldest can’t even remember the middle one as a baby.

One thing we do find difficult is school holidays. Little one gets up so early and the others get up late, by the time they are getting up he’s ready for a nap! Also can’t do things like cinema all together

I'm 40 I have a 9 and 11 year old and they both ask me daily to have another baby. If you want another baby go for it if it works for you and your family.

I'd talk to your DH, it doesn't sound certain he isn't up for it, and if he is, then do.

I know my DH would have liked a third, and to some extent so would I in an ideal world, but I wanted childbearing and having little kids over by the time I was 35 (I have a health condition that may start affecting my mobility post 40, so I didn't want to have to be running around after tiny ones). Also it would mean so much more expense on bigger car, holidays, rooms in a house.

I wouldn’t have asked your kids tbh. But now you have asked them and they’ve not been keen, it would feel like a bit of an FU to them if you went ahead. Difficult.

Op, my 2 older siblings are 8 and 6 years older than me. We didn't really have anything to do with each other when I was growing up, at complety different stages all the way. I do have a twin brother aswell. But now that we are all adults we are so so close.

My sil has a similar age gap, ie, two close together and a third seven years younger. There is no right or wrong age gap.

If you can afford it, have the space etc, I would go ahead with it.

Just to add my dm was nearly 40 when she had me and my Df was over 40.

I am that child (well, now adult obviously) born 8/6 years after my older siblings.

It’s kind of weird hearing people say it wouldn’t work or be fair on the other children. It feels totally normal to me, and I have a close relationship with both my siblings. Our children aren’t that far apart in age either.

This kind of thing is a bit like asking opinion on baby names, you will hear loads of opinions but ultimately all that matters is how it feels to you and your family. You can make it work if you want to.

(V.pleased forums didn’t exist in the late 70’s otherwise I might not be here!)

If you'll regret not having tried for the rest of your life then I think go for it. It might all be great and everyone loves the baby and it's amazing. It might be hard and you'll have to work really hard at it, but it'll soon become your new family dynamic (as long as DH is on board). You might be unable to conceive at all but at least you won't forever regret not trying.
Just my opinion. I think you regret the chances you didn't take more than the mistakes you made.

People are all going to put their own personal wants/feelings on this question, so I don't think you're going to get the lightbulb moment you want sadly!

FWIW I have three and there's an 8 year gap between eldest and youngest, and a 4.5 gap between youngest and middle. We would have had a smaller gap but nature decided otherwise. I was almost 40 when I had the youngest. It was hard, he was not an easy baby, but the whole family had wanted him so that makes a difference I suppose. Of course your time is split more, but equally the children have extra siblings to plays with/for future support and family networks. The age gap is not an issue in our house.

Sometimes I do ponder on how much easier/different our lives would be now if we didn't have a third. We'd have a lot more money, time and space! But we wouldn't swap him for the world!

Could you foster instead?

I only have two but there is a 16 year age gap. Have one if you want one!
Agree with @comebacksoonsusan asking your children if you should have another or any important life decision is ridiculous and bordering on emotional abuse.

Thanks everyone so interesting to hear all the opinions and I do think it's helping me see this clearer.

Re. Asking the kids if they want another sibling we didn't discuss it like that specifically it's just they are not into babies and are totally disinterested in younger cousins etc. I have mentioned it to them casually though, a few times over the years and they just say naaaaa yuk babies stink etc 😂 Their opinions wouldn't make me change my mind etc it's just no one in the family is especially keen except me and I feel like I need someone else's enthusiasm for it to happen - literally!!! 😉

We adopted a 3 year old when dc were 9 and 12. It was hard on the 9 year old. Youngest has SEN so things are still tricky, but middle one did enjoy having a playmate for the years after the oldest turned into a teenager. So it can work and bring such joy.

But SEN is a massive issue and we are feeling old for this. He’s still so young and needy while the others are independent. There’s no guarantee a birth child won’t have Sen. Could you cope with this?

It’s your hormones talking. Don’t listen to them they’re baby crazy. . Going back to the baby days is hard. Enjoy what you’ve got.

Ours are 13, 11 and 3. There are some things which are more difficult to do all together, obviously, but we find workarounds. We've never really had that sense of 'missing our freedom' with any of our children, so going back to square one didn't feel particularly hard. Holiday travel and accommodation is more expensive than if we had two, but we cut our cloth - holidays tend to be quite modest anyway, we're not ones for longhaul or hotels in the sun. I think altogether it works out less expensive than three all close together.

The older two adore the little one and have from day one. She's their very favourite person.

I've thought about potential SEN/disabilities yes as I know the increased risk with age and yes it is another reason to not rock the boat. So many reasons to not do it I know - just can't quite seem to put the idea to bed.

@SingingTunelessly you are so right - be quiet hormones!!!