Would it be unfair to have another child?

[MediocrePenguin]

I appreciate its rather weird to ask an Internet forum but here goes. We have two kids already DD 9 and DS 6 and always thought we’d have three. For various reasons (mostly I guess, DH and the kids not being that keen) we put it off and off.

Anyway I’m nearly 40 now and it feels like my last chance is approaching and I just can’t shake the feeling of wanting another. DH, I know, would agree to have another if I really wanted but deep down him and the kids are happy with the status quo. So would I be unreasonable to put this on them, considering that there would now be a big age gap and as a family we are at a nice relaxed stage? Would it be mad to go back to the baby days?!

Help. Should I stick or twist?

hard hat on.
Lots of women have their first baby around that age. 6 or 7 years isn't that huge an age gap. I know several families where there was a 10+ year gap and they did not regret having the baby.
If your DH is ok about it, and you are not wanting a baby for selfish reasons (like cos you don't want to go back to work or something) then try for one but don't become obsessed by it.
I don't think that your children should be asked for their opinion.
There are lots of reasons not to (what if you had twins, money... ) but you could just see if it happens naturally.
You really need your DH to be ok with it.

Personally can’t think of anything worse than voluntarily going back to the baby stage when your youngest is 6

@MsTSwift the this is I feel like that too! It would be crazy but I can't quite seem to shake the idea.

Surprised by the negativity about this plan! I don't see why not. DH and I are considering trying for a second in a few years (work reasons prevent it from being sooner). We have one DC who will be at least 8 by the time any potential second child comes along...

There's a 6 year age gap between mine and I'm planning on a 3rd

Why people don't think that considering two other living breathing humans' opinions on their living situation is beyond me.

Children are people too! They should have their lifestyle changed completely because their parents are selfish. Or parent in this case.

Makes me so fucking angry.

Pregnancy
Birth
No sleep
Weaning
Toddler tantrums
Biff and kipper

You really want to do it all again? There are many happy stages in my life, being a student, working in London, my girls babyhoods. I look back fondly but actually going back? No way. You have to move on. If you did have one would you want a fourth?

at Biff and Kipper

@12fromcold I am considering them though that's what I said.

It's the hormones.
Just console yourself that in a few years the grandchildren will come along, and you will be more available for them than if you had another (or twins) with potentially SNs to deal with for 20 years or so.
Humans are not an endangered species - there are plenty of us on this planet - rather too many, some would say.
It's harder to cut pies / cakes into 5 than into 4. ,
My DMum was 38 when she had me, and she said she found it hard work at that age. And I will confess to being a tad embarrassed at having an old-looking DMum. (Fact - she did look older than her years due to chronic health condition that began not long after she had me.)

@MediocrePenguin

Sorry wasn't referring to you. There have been more than two Pps saying you shouldn't worry about what your children think. You absolutely should and you are.

I think Biff and Kipper has made my mind up!! 😬😬😬

12fromcold. Of course OP should consider her children and how it could affect them but they don't need to be consulted.

Get a puppy. Much easier lol

Like @mountainsoutofmolehills , just wanted to add another perspective on this- my Mum’s one of 3, and her siblings are 10 and 7 years older than her. It’s still causing issues, and they’re in their 60s and 70s now.

Her older siblings feel that she was spoiled, she feels left out- they go away on holidays together now, and I don’t think it even occurrs to them to invite her.

There are even bigger gaps between me and my cousins (the oldest is 20 years older than me, the youngest 13). I’ve also always felt a bit ‘left out’ of that part of the family dynamic too.

I think that my Gran always felt a bit sad about having to do the ‘baby stage’ again too.

I wouldn't.

You've got 2 children; a boy and a girl (not that having 2 of the same would change my view) they're at a great age - easier, life is good (I'm assuming)

I know exactly how you feel though, although in my case I briefly considered a 4th.
I knew that from friends who visit with their toddlers that my kids would find that stressful (they're similarish ages to yours) as well as the fact that sometimes, I think we just need to be grateful for what we already have.

I should add that this is all an undercurrent, with the odd comment thrown in...

My sister had three children and youngest was 8 when she unexpectedly fell pregnant. It all worked so well that she decided to have another

My dh has an 11 year age gap between him and youngest sibling. Parents had 3 close together then last one 9 years later. All get on but they do all say youngest was like an only child. He got lots of attention and siblings loved him but not playmates. All adults now all 4 get on well.

I sometimes wish for a 3rd, I don't entertain the thought as dh doesnt want any more. Really I think I want a baby, it's hard realising you won't have the magical newborn moments again. Do you really want to do toddler stages again? While also dealing with teenager? And the dynamic of the family will shift.

Our neighbours have three children - aged 20, 18 and 9.

In private, the bloke said he sort of regretted the last one as they'd have their life back now. Plus the youngest is pretty much like an only child (not that that's necessarily a bad thing). Something to bear in mind.

Do you know @LL83 you hit the nail on the head I kind of want the baby and also a bigger family but it's the toddler part that really makes reconsider, my other two were not easy as toddlers and if I could skip that part then I'd definitely have another - it's the age 1-3 that puts me off.

Oh God no, don't do it!

Op not a doctor or anything but my midwife told me that older women don't have more chance of a child with disabilities. Speak to your gp about it but that's what I was told.

It is really up to you and your OH not your children. Some children get on with such a gap while others don't just like siblings closer in age don't get on.

I don't get on with my full sibling who is 8 years older but than neither does my full brother who is 12 years older than me. There as I get on with my brother plus my half and step siblings. My half and step siblings are both older and younger.

I have two friends who are close in age to their siblings and they hate each other. There as I know others who have large gaps like me who get on very well. It's down to personalities as well as how you parent e.g. the oldest aren't your default babysitters even if they want to be one.

Also I think you should do it!! I'm excited for you!