To not want to share the school run

[Winterfellwonderland]

To cut a long story short I need to nip it in the bud now. I don't want to.share the school run with someone who never takes their own kids and gets her parents/neighbors/random people and me. She asked me before Xmas if we could come to an arrangement but I feel that "arrangement" is just going to be me ferrying her kids about for free because I genuinely feel that she can't be relied on to ensure my lot get to school. So how do I make it clear it can't go on?

Just to make it clear our arrangement now is her calling me every other day asking me to collect her kids. She wants to make it permanent but for example some days she can't collect because she has a headache then it's can I have the kids untill 5 etc etc

Well that's not so much sharing as doing, isn't it.

Please just say no. Don’t give excuses or try and explain why you can’t because you’ll just get her trying to overcome the excuses and you’ll be stuck. Just say keep it short and sweet ‘So sorry, I cant’.

Why are you even engaging in discussion on it?

Just block her number. Tell her you're between mobile phones. Or put her on a silent call list, and tell her your phone is on silent when you're busy sorting kids/doing the school run.

If she asks you in person at the gate, say "oh that doesn't work for me, good luck sorting your problem".

then walk away - "gotta run, bye".

just don't engage on it, it ISN'T your problem to resolve. anyone else's childcare responsibilities aren't your responsibilities.

She needs a childminder

God definitely don't get into any arrangement with her.

Just say no. You're a grown adult human. Saying no isn't difficult.

She knows she's being unreasonable. She knows she's taking advantage. She knows exactly what she is doing. And she's only doing it because idiots won't say no, so don't be the next idiot.

I’d just say, ‘sorry-I don’t think I need an arrangement-I like things how they are right now-taking my kids and spending time just with them.’

I feel I can't just say no I need to soften the blow lol

Don't make up excuses. If you want to go soft, just say, I am happy I was able to help you in the pas, but this won;t be possible any more this year.

@Winterfellwonderland

And I bet that is exactly why she’s chosen you.

Man up and put yourself first-that’s exactly what she is doing.

Why do you need to soften the blow though OP?!

Don’t let her take advantage of you. Put your big girls pants on and say no!

I have a friend who would constantly ask me to take her DD along with my DC. I was going anyway, so it was not skin off my nose.

Actually, she has moved now and the DC are older, but I have had to call on her to have me DD in the past, overnight, as an emergency. She is one of two people who will ever have her, she is quite full on (suspected ADHD). I am glad I helped her out.

It doesn't sound like you will ever get any help from her though, so be firm!

How about "It's a nice idea but not for me - I like the flexibility of just having my own and being able to go places after school on a whim etc. I'll let you know if that changes though". Then launch into swift change of subject so the matter is firmly closed.

feel I can't just say no I need to soften the blow lol

Sorry, No.

You don't need to "soften the blow" OP.

You never agreed to it in the first place, you're not letting her down.
her childcare problem isn't your problem.

do you often feel the need to take on other people's problems as your own? I don't mean that harshly, but maybe this is a really good opportunity to practice setting sane boundaries.

practice saying it beforehand in the mirror if you think she'll ask face to face (blocking numbers etc on phone is easy, it's face to face confrontation that most people will find harder). keep a phrase in your head: "i'm sorry you have this problem, good luck fixing it", or "that doesn't work for me" (whatever you think feels strong/repeatable in your mind).

then just keep repeating it if asked.

e.g.
"can you pick them up tonight?"

• "that doesn't work for me. good luck getting your problem fixed."

"I have a dentist appointment that I can't miss so I can't pick up little Emily, can you get her for me?"

• "that doesn't work for me."

"why not?"

• "it doesn't work for me"

"but you did it before when I asked, what's changed? why are you being like this?"

• "it doesn't work for me."

seriously, eventually it'll go away. (it being the cheeky fucker)

Just say: "Sorry, I don't want to get into any kind of arrangement, permanent or otherwise. But thanks for asking."

Seriously, you need to nip it in the bud then don't engage further.

you need to tell her no or you'll be railroaded into this arrangement forever.

Like others have said, you need to stand up for yourself and say 'No", or "Sorry, that doesn't work for me".

Remind yourself you're advocating for your own kids and their time with you. Just say no!

There's nothing in this arrangement for you! You aren't helping each other out, she's just using you from the sounds of it.

When you say call do you she phones or comes round?

If phone. Don't answer
If she comes round, leave 10min earlier

She will take the hint eventually

She’s a taker. You don’t need to worry about putting a stop to it, just tell her (pleasantly), “I’m not going to be available for pick-ups any more. It’s no longer working out for me and I don’t want the additional responsibility.”
If she presses you say, “It’s not personal. I wouldn’t agree to this for anyone else either. It’s just too much of a bind. I want to be free to go somewhere after school (or not) without having to look after or drop off someone else’s children.”
If asks again say no. “I’ve got plans and can’t help you.” Every time.
If she gets arsey ask yourself who in their right mind behaves like that?

If she’s going to be a taker she’ll have to learn to weather a knock back. In any case, who cares? It’s not your problem.

I got dragged in to this sort of arrangement and tried to get out of it a year later, they turned really nasty, to the point where we ended up moving schools.
I will never do it again, I was used and was stupid.

@Winterfellwonderland

"I feel I can't just say no I need to soften the blow lol"

Unfortunately that's what CF's thrive on with their CF demands. :/