To not want to share the school run

[Winterfellwonderland]

To cut a long story short I need to nip it in the bud now. I don't want to.share the school run with someone who never takes their own kids and gets her parents/neighbors/random people and me. She asked me before Xmas if we could come to an arrangement but I feel that "arrangement" is just going to be me ferrying her kids about for free because I genuinely feel that she can't be relied on to ensure my lot get to school. So how do I make it clear it can't go on?

Just say "I just don't want to".

You don't have to soften the blow and you don't owe her anything. Also don't worry about long silences, not your job to fill them. 'Just this once?' You "Nope, hope you get sorted"

Well, I'll tell you the story about my mum. My mum does a weekly class in the next village over. A woman from the class lives in the same village as my mum, so asked her for a lift. My mum was going to suggest meeting and dropping off somewhere mutually convenient, but before she had the chance to suggest it the woman gave her her address and said thanks so much. Now the woman often likes to go for coffee and do a bit of shopping after class so my mum has to join her or wait for her. Last week the woman told my mum she had a doctor's appointment, so she didn't need to wait for her, and my mum told her not to worry it's fine. So my mum sat in the car in a freezing cold carpark waiting for this woman for over an hour. My mum is very fed up of the situation, but feels she can't say or do anything about it.

I think my mum needs to stop being such a mug. 🤦‍♀️

Don't end up like my mum, OP!

BlackCatSleeping

What is your mum doing?!!!! She just needs to say she has to go straight home and can't give her a lift!

Just ignore her calls and texts.

Whatever you do dont give er a list of childminders,

And i would bring it up beforehand.

So write down what you want to say,ring her and say it.Preempt her asking for the favour.

Oh, yeah, why do people always suggest that? 'Give her a list of childminders'. It's not your fucking lookout! Don't get involved! 'No, I can't do that.' 'Why not?' 'Because I said NO.'

What is your mum doing?!!!! She just needs to say she has to go straight home and can't give her a lift!

I know, but she just won't. I know the woman is a CF, but I kind of feel at this point mum is just as much to blame for not just saying no.

Fuck her and @BlackCatSleeping any way you can help your mum out by drug in her for a couple of weeks and going to an appointment and then when your mums not looking give her the middle finger when you drive off? Or just collect her one day and whisper at her to stop taking the piss out of your mum or you'll batter her?

Obviously not the last suggestion but I would be tempted!

BlackCatSleeping

Your mum is nuts

We only havea finite amount of cash, time, energy

Why do people value theirs so little that they give them out to undeserving or less priority people? Even for a friend I could not get tied into some of the bonkers arrangements I hear about on MN... I need to protect my sanity and close family first. Sometimes part of that is saying "no, I'd love to help but can't"

Or in this case and the OP.. "I don't want to, so won't"!!!

Just no. No explanation, no embellishment, just no.

A soft blow is still a blow, might as well just get it over and done with so this is behind you

I have to say-I have several children and have been doing the school run for more years than I care to remember, and have never been put in this situation! I must give off negative vibes

I don’t think I would ever say I feel I can't just say no I need to soften the blow though. It doesn’t bother me saying no to things that I don’t want to do.

Wasn’t it Phoebe from friends that said, ‘I would help, but I don’t want to’ ?!

Sorry, I didn't mean to highjack the thread.

What happened was, my dad had quite a major operation at the end of last year so he couldn't drive or attend the class (it's an exercise class). My mum started driving herself, so that's when the woman asked for lifts. My dad is much better now and should be returning to the class any day now. I suspect the lifts will stop then as I can't see my dad hanging around waiting for the woman every week. My parents do too much for everyone, but I think my dad got quite unwell at the end of the year and he realised that he can't do so much anymore, so he's started saying no a lot more.

Anyway, I hope the OP will find a way out too.

You've every right to say no. It's an extra responsibility and bit of a pain, for something that's not mutual, that you'll resent if you actually don't want to do it.

Rather than the MNer's reply of "no that doesn't work for me" when asked ahead of time, I say "No thankyou" in a cheery voice and smile sweetly, and repeat... and I walk off to end conversation ("Must go.."/ "must speak to Mary..."). So no opportunity for anyone to argue with that.

If I'm taken by surprise, I say
"I'll think about it and let you know if I want to" or "I'll get back to you, as we've a lot on" .

I do help friends out and other mums in an emergency, but I won't let a non friend use me as free childcare.

OP I would imagine your kids want to spend time with you on their return from school...just you ..they will get fed up and its quite unfair to expect your kids to share you with other peoples kids....Sorry I can't help you friend too busy ..wave bye and dont look back!!

@Sally.. makes a good point. As that's how my DC felt too - They loved our time on walks or drives to and from school, it was "our time" meandering before I had to start tea & jobs for the evening. And mornings to school are always busy/can be fraught, when adding in extra hassle/responsibilities.

Unless it is a child that your DC is desperate to spend more time with & enjoys the walk with (i.e. a close friend of theirs) -and even then only sometimes when it suits you otherwise it becomes a bind- I wouldn't give that special time up for anyone.

Hi CF

Sorry. No.
Last time I checked I didn't have the word MUG tattooed on my forehead.
Have a good weekend

Say no, use the grounds that you don't want the responsibility.

Definitely use Phoebe Buffet's "I would, but I don't want to".

Stop her dead in her tracks.

So even if she did honour the argreement (which she won't) it is unlikely to be her doing the collection.
So your DC will end up walking with neighbour or parents or some other -possibly unknown to you- person.

Don't apologise , don't try to organise her childcare.
You've helped her already before Christmas .
If she asked you , just make a "Pah" noise and say you've already done your bit .
Otherwise you will get stuck with it.
What if your DC are ill. Or you take them for an appointment before or after school? Will she expect you to take her DC? Probably.

That’s why I’d never agree to share a school run. I’ll always help a friend, colleague or neighbour out when they’re stuck but as a regular arrangement, no. I need freedom of movement.

I know someone like this. Never takes her own kid to school - too onerous apparently. They live two doors down from the school!

Just say no. She won’t actually be offended, she’ll just move on to the next poor mug!

"It's too much for me at the moment." That's all you need to say, don't mention doing favours as a 'one off' or it will become regular. I don't understand why people struggle to say no when they know they are being taken advantage of.

If you want to be honest, just tell her that you sometimes end up looking after her kids till 5 and it’s inconvenient. Or just say no.