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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 year old refusing to go on holiday

113 replies

Imustbemad00 · 09/01/2019 20:26

Just that really. Going on holiday, abroad, all booked. Very excited.
It’s not for a few months but at least 3 times a week he’s already worrying about it saying he doesn’t want to go. Mainly because of the aeroplane, but also the holiday in general and the swimming pool.

I don’t know what to do. Obviously we’re still going. He has asked to stay with my mum but there’s absolutely no way I’d leave him behind. I’m hoping once there he’ll have a nice time but it’s going to be so stressful especially as it gets closer. Then of course there’s actually getting him on the plane. I can imagine him screaming and trying to run away in the airport Sad

OP posts:
TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 22:48

Anxiety is a tricky thing to deal with. I might take the issue off the boil and tell him he doesn’t have to go. So then he stops worrying about it. And then bring it off the back burner and tackle the anxiety nearer the time.

tillytrotter1 · 09/01/2019 22:50

With parents like these it's no surprise that more and more young people are developing mental health issues.

You obviously mean parents who don't let a 6 year old rule the roost!
By all means find ways to alleviate his worries but the bottom line has to be he can't hold your family to ransom like this. What will he choose not to do next?

bethy15 · 09/01/2019 22:54

No, it is as easy as 'you are the parent, he doesn't get a say'. It is EXACTLY that. He does not get a say... whay are you even asking this. By even asking you are pandering.

Actually, children should be listened to and shouldn't always be made to do as you tell them.
There are often reasons, you would think people would learn, but no.

In some cases children don't want to do things as there are serious issues at play, forcing a child into blind obedience just because you are the parent, well it's no wonder so many adults are now revealing historic abuses, their parents most likely never listened and told them they had to carry on and do as they were told and go places they didn't want to.

Well done OP on listening to your child.I had anxiety and now know I have aspergers, which explains certain anxieties I had as a child.
At times I wasn't listened to, and it only made the matter worse.

I think you can have chats with him, maybe show him a tv show where they go on a plane and everything is fine. Show him photos of the place you're going to and plan little things just you two, so he has something special there to look forward to.

I used to worry about unknown places, it's something I can still get today. I use something comforting as a treat to myself for when I'm there.

Laine21 · 09/01/2019 22:54

Anxiety is just as real and upsetting for a child, as an adult, if not more so as they are much more unlikely to understand why they are scared.

Just wondering, if it would be the end of the world if he did stay with his grandma? It's not pandering, but understanding how he's feeling. Ask grandma to have a chat, perhaps she can get to the root of the problem. Then you can decide what to do.

Ooplesandbanoonoos · 09/01/2019 23:01

Good idea @ironinglady was going to suggest similar

Beatitudes · 09/01/2019 23:04

Does your son have any special needs OP?
I personally wouldn't tell him that he doesn't have to come like a previous poster advises, just to deescalate things presently. He's definitely going as you say in your OP, IMO the worst approach is to tell a lie, however well-intentioned; because your son's trust in you will be damaged.
Best way forward I think is lots of listening & reassurance him but keep it upbeat & plenty of planned distractions for the journey.
Good luck

CarolDanvers · 09/01/2019 23:10

OP has gone. Well done some of you. MN gets more unpleasant every day.

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 23:13

Telling him he doesn’t have to go is not a lie. Telling him he is not going would be a lie. They can discuss it nearer then time. She can then insist he goes, but he only worries about it for a month rather than several months.

Leaving him to fret and stress about it for several months will not be good for his mental or physical health.

mumsastudent · 09/01/2019 23:13

find out what else he can do there - other than swimming - get him to talk about why he is worried -is it the noise? (that you can deal with) was it the air pressure (has he had sinus or ear infections? maybe he had a low level ear or throat infection last time?) or jus the crowd of people rushing on & he was worried he might get pushed - especially on the stairs going up or down?

DishingOutDone · 09/01/2019 23:14

Carol I entirely agree; there is another thread on AIBU about an older boy who is in the same position, I posted that the mum should seek advice about anxiety but a great many people waded in and said the child should be read the riot act.

This is a time in our society when anxiety in children and young people has already become epidemic and schools and CAMHS, GPs etc are struggling to cope. We need to ask a lot of questions about this, about the causes but "pandering" isn't one of them.

Beatitudes · 09/01/2019 23:16

Tatiana I very much doubt the average 6 year old would be able to tell the difference.

ChristmasFlary · 09/01/2019 23:16

Google Social Stories. It might help to write one for your holiday. My son is autistic (not implying yours is) and likes them... my younger NT son also likes them

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 23:18

My average 6 year old could and his anxiety is a lot better than it was.

TatianaLarina · 09/01/2019 23:18

(He’s 12 now).

lunchboxloony · 09/01/2019 23:28

Some of you are so horrible! It's not pandering to a child to worry if they are so upset about something! Some children, particularly those on the autistic spectrum (but not exclusively) do get anxious if they can't plan ahead and understand what a new experience is likely to involve. As a PP said earlier - maybe getting lots of pictures of the venue, and the airport etc and talking it through will help. My DS (10) is autistic and we have had family holidays for the last 4 years. This year we are skiing and he is daily asking to see the resort on the ipad, and work out what time we need to go to bed to get up early for the trip to the airport, and is it a school day, and will he need to wear a helmet etc etc. No problem - we talk about it all every day and answer all his questions and look things up - he'll love it! (We had a meltdown one year when the luggage carousel stopped - but at least we were abroad by then....Grin. Good luck OP - just share as much as you can with him beforehand and hopefully it will be a success. Flowers

FlyingMonkeys · 09/01/2019 23:35

Google Reading Rainbow boy overcomes flying. It's an 8min video of an 8yr old boy whose scared of flying that's accompanied by an American kids show presenter who talks him through the flight they go on.

Epanoui · 09/01/2019 23:49

I have scrolled past some of this as it seemed to be mainly people posting with no understanding of anxiety. My DD has problems with anxiety and the main thing is to

a) talk everything through - what exactly is he worried about and can you supply sensible answers to make this less important? In your shoes, DD would have been for instance maybe worried about safety on the plane and I would have given her stats to show it is safe and talked about how people who run airlines have really good procedures to keep everyone safe and if appropriate go into what those are. Point out that there are people whose entire jobs are keeping everyone safe and that they study for years to do it and really know their jobs. They are grown ups and really want to keep everyone safe and have lots of experience doing that. Do you trust people who are very experienced in what they do? Because I do as my experience has shown it's a good thing to do. Examples if you can think of some.

b) this is trickier. Give him control. Talk about all the fun stuff you will be able to do on holiday and how much you are looking forward to doing it with him but say that if he can't do it, you'll find another solution. Try to get him to choose to try it. Point out the downsides of not trying it. But don't pressure. Just keep reiterating that trying it will have good consequences for him. Pick any outcome that he would enjoy. He absolutely does not have to get in the pool if he doesn't want to but there might be nice things he would like - you can have a pudding every night at dinner, we are going to go to a shop and get some really nice toys to play with on holiday, you can pick some activities to do on holiday etc.

c) you maybe need to talk to him about other sources of anxiety. I don't think he's likely to be only anxious about one thing (sorry if wrong). If you can take away some of these other sources of anxiety, he might be more willing to give the holiday a go.

Anxiety is awful. I've been managing my DD through this for years and it's only slowly getting better. But it is possible to get past it and we are getting there.

If you can get your son to get through the anxiety and realise that it's not as bad as he thinks, it's much more than half the battle.

Seaweed42 · 09/01/2019 23:49

Stop talking about the holiday to him.
Don't show him any pictures it's far too soon.
It'll only keep the thing churning in his mind. Just shut up about it for a couple of months. He's 6, things change.
If you keep talking about it, you are continuously bringing the subject into his mind.
Like someone says, just park the whole thing and say 'we'll see how everyone feels closer to the time, it's AGES away yet'.
With anxiety you need to try to build flexibility and Options to give the person/child some sense that there is something about the feared situation they can control.

SapphireSeptember · 09/01/2019 23:51

6 year olds should do as they're told, huh? All the time without exception? Really? Hmm Maybe some of you should think about that. bethy has the right idea.

WhenISnappedAndFarted · 09/01/2019 23:52

Some of these responses are awful. She's not pandering to him, she says they're going that she's trying to find a way to manage anxiety.

I had anxiety as a child which wasn't helped or treated and it got an awful lot worse as an adult. I didn't want to be pandered too however I was terrified of going to new places to the point I was sick before hand and never slept the night before. It got worse and worse and ended with panic attacks.

OP, you've had some good advice here and suggestion. I did like the one from the PP who shows her DD pictures of places before hand. It's what I do now when I book a holiday or go somewhere new - I always go on Google Maps and have a look around the area first.

Stompythedinosaur · 09/01/2019 23:52

I would play through what is going to happen with toys, to help him process his feelings.

ADropofReality · 09/01/2019 23:55

Unfortunately it’s not as easy as “I’m the parent you
Don’t get a say” with some children. You do understand this is not a child misbehaving or attention seeking?

There was a post on here recently, about a child who threw such tantrums at the idea of being away from home/routine, and as a result the whole family – mother, father, three kids – hadn’t been on holiday in the past five years. So obnoxious was it, I suspect many posters have little patience with the idea of kids vetoing holidays until memory of that thread fades.

But the answer is that is not to ignore the thread and stomp off and say the responses are disgusting. What if your child is in fact just acting up?

As for this whole thread: some posters think the child should be completely pandered to, to the point of cancelling the holiday; some think the child should never be pandered to and told to get on the plane. Can't there be a middle place?

lunchboxloony · 09/01/2019 23:55

Oh gosh - different advice from all of us OP - sorry. I suppose we do what suits our own DCs. With mine it's good to talk it all through from the earliest point he knows about stuff - but Seaweed may have a point too. You know your DS best so will be able to judge the best approach. Epanoui has some great and more detailed suggestions - hope you fond something that works for you.

ADropofReality · 09/01/2019 23:56

@CarolDanvers

If you post a question on a public forum, you must expect disagreement. That is not bullying or hounding.

Swipe left for the next trending thread