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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 year old refusing to go on holiday

113 replies

Imustbemad00 · 09/01/2019 20:26

Just that really. Going on holiday, abroad, all booked. Very excited.
It’s not for a few months but at least 3 times a week he’s already worrying about it saying he doesn’t want to go. Mainly because of the aeroplane, but also the holiday in general and the swimming pool.

I don’t know what to do. Obviously we’re still going. He has asked to stay with my mum but there’s absolutely no way I’d leave him behind. I’m hoping once there he’ll have a nice time but it’s going to be so stressful especially as it gets closer. Then of course there’s actually getting him on the plane. I can imagine him screaming and trying to run away in the airport

OP posts:

Andro · 09/01/2019 21:48

There are few people on here who have clearly never seen just how severe a panic attack can be! It's all very well to say 'he's 6, he does as he's told' - and up to a point I would agree - but OP would be well advised to have strategies for de-escalating her ds's anxiety before the holiday ends before it begins!

Believeitornot · 09/01/2019 21:52

Stop talking about the holiday for a bit. I found my dcs get wound up about something new if we gave loads of notice and kept bigging it up. There’s a fine line between excitement and fear!!

My ds has a massive meltdown about going on cub camp. So I just said let’s see how you feel on the day and stopped mentioning unless he raised it. I’d answer his questions calmly and not tell him how he should feel.

Once it arrived, he was a bit worried but nothing too major. And had a fab time. The less I did to reinforce his fears helped but I also didn’t ignore them.

Mum2jenny · 09/01/2019 21:54

As far as I'm concerned, a 6 year old does what his parents wants. No way would I be pandering to a 6 year olds desires. Not a cat in hells chance.
At that age, they do as told. End of!
Unless you want to breed entitled brats!

ReflectentMonatomism · 09/01/2019 21:55

I would take dc to a homeopath, they are great at treating this kind of anxiety

Alternatively, drink a glass of water and eat a sugar cube. Same stuff, but you don't get ripped off by a charlatan liar.

WithAllIntenseAndPurposes · 09/01/2019 21:55

Anxiety? A bit OTT
It's normal for young kids to be apprehensive of change
Just gee him up and tell him he will love it. Then go. That's all

NotAnotherJaffaCake · 09/01/2019 21:55

When you get to the airport, please let the airline staff know that your DS is nervous. They are generally absolutely fab with nervous flyers and will pull out all the stops to help you.

I would keep it light and neutral, no in depth navel gazing.

MediocrePenguin · 09/01/2019 21:57

My 6 yr old was exactly the same! I kept explaining a plane was just like a bus. The night before he was still refusing to go but was fine on the actual day and loved it!

Mum2jenny · 09/01/2019 22:00

In my opinion young children do not have a choice. Parents have booked a flight, just get over it! No discussion, no option, just get on the fucking plane!

mytieisascarf · 09/01/2019 22:03

Well I hope that you realise that by not taking young children's fears and anxieties into account and dealing with them appropriately you are doing them pretty serious long term damage.

bookworm14 · 09/01/2019 22:04

Did someone leave the lid off the can of arseholes tonight? There are some hideous responses on this thread.

OP - I hope you find ways to mitigate your son’s anxiety and have a lovely holiday.

blue25 · 09/01/2019 22:04

In all honesty, I wouldn't go and spend time addressing his anxieties with a professional. I've been on a plane when a child had hysterics on the runway- screaming, kicking, vomited everywhere. It was hellish for everyone. Don't do it!

Amallamard · 09/01/2019 22:10

It may be worth finding some social stories about going on holiday to see if they help. You do need to be really careful that you don't validate the anxiety by trying to reassure him (can be really tricky to balance). You should be very matter of fact and no-nonsense when you are talking about it with him.

Mum2jenny · 09/01/2019 22:10

This touchy feely stuff is what really fucks the whole system.
I would never let a flight I'd booked be disrupted by my children. My choice, I'd booked it, my choice how to deal with my children.
I've never missed a flight yet, and I've got very sensitive flyers!

ApplesinmyPocket · 09/01/2019 22:11

Are some of you not reading properly? In the very first post OP says "Obviously we’re still going. He has asked to stay with my mum but there’s absolutely no way I’d leave him behind."

She IS taking him, she ISN'T "pandering" to him - she was just hoping for some ideas on helping him cope with his anxieties. And some people have come up with some great ideas, and shown compassion for an anxious small boy, and a parent trying her best to help him.

Others, who sound stupid, unpleasant or ignorant with their bizarre 'get him on the fucking plane!' rants, have made this an uncomfortable place to be for the OP and I don't blame her for wishing she hadn't posted hoping for help. Mumsnet is better than this, at its best.

Micke · 09/01/2019 22:14

If it was my eldest, we'd talk about it, he'd think about it, and quietly come up a few days later to tell me what was actually worrying him, then we'd talk some more (he's a talker) and, with a bit of hand-holding, he'd be fine. This has worked for vaccinations, doctor appointments, first day at school etc.

If it was my youngest, the best way to deal with it is to not mention it at all, and just spring it on him at the last minute, followed by a very stern talking to. There'll be some wailing, but he can't be allowed to build up a head of stubbornness. We're lucky he's little still, because if he was much bigger we'd have had trouble holding him when he realised we were going to the doctors for his jabs and went all out trying to escape!

How does your child deal best?

BunsOfAnarchy · 09/01/2019 22:16

Be positive but be clear that bottom line is you ARE going.

Ask why hes nervous. Then find ways to overcome it.
Show him the fun amazing things your planning on doing there.

delboysskinandblister · 09/01/2019 22:17

You've a few months. use this to build his confidence. Has he chosen what he wants to wear for his holiday? etc Put him in charge of his suitcase and any toys he wants to take. Then he is actively part of the decision as opposed to having this imposed upon him if he is feeling overwhelmed.

You also have time to distract him and take his mind off it. But when he has calmed down and he is excited about a new pair of trunks or a favourite toy or stripey towel you can say 'and you can pack that in your holiday case and you're in charge of that because we've all got so much to enjoy and look forward to and we want to get organised don't we?' Then he can get used to the idea and feel involved.

Just don't make it months of battle that you all end up dreading. Do not cancel he holiday. Just rethink how you address this with him and what part he wants to play. Is there anything that is genuinely worrying him?

tolerable · 09/01/2019 22:19

get those wee worrie dolls and one of those mindful for kids books maybe.x

Foslady · 09/01/2019 22:23

Does he go to nursery? Could they maybe help getting him on board talking about the fun side of it all, maybe get out of him what exactly it is that he’s so anxious about?

Notcontent · 09/01/2019 22:26

I am surprised by some of the responses here - all this stuff about how kids just need to do as they are told...

If a 12 year old says they don’t want to go on a family holiday because they would rather stay home and play computer games with their friend, then yes, I agree you just tell them that they need to do as they are told.

But if a six year old repeatedly says they don’t want to go, I think that’s completely different and means that there are some serious anxieties at play, that need to be explored and addressed.

AnyOldPrion · 09/01/2019 22:26

My son was emetophobic (mostly he feared other people vomiting’) and for a while he didn’t want to go to restaurants or anywhere there would be lots of people. I listened to his worries and tried to deal with them rationally - assuring him it probably wouldn’t happen, if it did he was unlikely to catch anything and if he did, we’d face it together.

Then I was quite firm and told him we were going. I was worried that if I didn’t push him, his irrational fears would grow.

I know there are some emetophobes who barely leave the house. I think acknowledging the fears, trying to understand where the anxiety is coming from and working through the ways you can face them together is the way to go.

delboysskinandblister · 09/01/2019 22:29

Has he chosen his own case? Does he have a favourite lilo or floats or new goggles. Something special that's just his for him to look forward to? Has he got siblings who he can watch pack their cases and choose suncream to go and sunglasses.A favourite film or game for the flight. Let him know he won't be expected to fly the plane. Keep it light. If he sees you anxious about him being anxious he'll be worse. Just try and carry on and let him follow you so he is reassured that calmly but firmly you will all enjoy this holiday. him too..

Mum2jenny · 09/01/2019 22:32

Imo no 6 year old will stop a family going on any holiday/ trip just because they do not want to go. Just end of!! No excuses acceptable!

SleepWarrior · 09/01/2019 22:36

Anxiety is kids is horrible to see play out. You want to strike the right balance of listening but not making too big a deal and validating the idea that this is something to be scared of.

I'd have a brief chat and explain that you will all be going because you are a family and it's going to be fun. However, you can see that he's worried and that's OK, so he can talk to you about it whenever be wants.

Then try to steer discussion on to fun things. Look up the places to eat at the terminal (with him) and choose where you'll eat. Find out what sort of in flight entertainment there will be. If you're taking your own, get to choose a film etc. When he's worried about the swimming, acknowledge but quickly move on to positives "yes I know you're not looking forward to swimming but it's a TINY bit of the holiday. What are you most looking forward to? I'm looking forward to paddling in the sea etc". Get him involved in choosing who has which suitcase, packing snacks to take etc. It all builds up a sense of involvement and control over what's happening rather than helplessness.

22Giraffes · 09/01/2019 22:41

Yabbers spot on!!

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