To be angry with childminder

[CleverQuacks]

This is my first AIBU so please be gentle.

My son is three and has development delay and currently being assessed for autism. He was potty trained in October but still has the occasional accident. He goes to a childminder during the week whilst I am at work.

Today I arrived to collect him and the childminder opened the door looking very annoyed. She informed me that my son was “having a meltdown”. She stated that she had asked him three times if he needed a wee and he hadn’t responded (he often doesn’t respond when spoken to) he had them wet himself.

She stated that because he had ignored her she was now insisting that he change his own wet clothes. He cannot dress or undress himself. Can’t even take his own shoes off.

I went in the room and my son was sat on the floor in soaking wet clothes completely distraught. I helped him get changed into dry clothes and took him home.

In the car my older son, who also goes to the childminder said that the childminder had “shouted really loud” at my son when he had the accident.

I am really not happy. She knows my sons needs and challenges but still chose to punish him with an impossible task because he had an accident. I am considering finding a new childminder / nursery but don’t no if that’s an overreaction.

Just to confirm. DS doesn't have any additional needs and he could easily have an accident. He couldn't undress or dress himself without getting into a tangle.

DD once had a poo explosion in her pants and consequently it went everywhere and our childminder kindly bathed her as she was the only child at that time and popped her in her daughter's old PJs. She did what a loving parent would do.

DS is 3.5yo

No its not an over reaction. To deliberately leave a child in soaking wet clothes and challenge him to do something that he struggles is down right cruelty.

If you leave him there. You're not going to relax and do your job anyway.

How long has the cm being looking after your children? How can she not be aware that he’s unable to dress/undress himself? Surely she has to undress and dress him when he does use the potty

Glad to hear that you're looking for other provision. Please make sure you write a formal complaint to her.

Please do still consider other childminders. Depending on his sensory needs, your DS may find the smaller, more predictable environment easier to cope with.

There is just as likely to be poor practice in a nursery; it would just be different.

I’m confused, how does your son usually go to the bathroom ? Is he usually vocal ? is he maybe afraid of this Chilminder ?

You should report her to ofsted. She shouldn't be treating a child with a disability like that. And you don't want it to happen to someone else's child. And obviously move your children.

I don’t think there’s actually anything wrong with getting children to sort themselves out after toilet accidents to the best of their ability - even if they’re only able to pull down pants after you’ve done the button etc. I think it helps them understand the main reason we use the toilet - convenience. If you just completely strip, clean and redress a child an accident is no different to them to going in a nappy.
Shouting at a child for a toilet accident is never acceptable so if you’re confident that happened that would be enough reason for me to remove my child. I would maybe try and have a chat with your older child about what she is like generally though. If shouting is out of character it may have been she wa just speaking louder than usual so your son could hear her mid meltdown?

I feel quite sick reading this, my son is the same age with ASD we’ve also been potty training since October, he’s non verbal bar a few words here and there he’ll often just zone out and appear to ignore and have an accident, please report this childminder it’s awful

Gobsmacked

My children would never be going back there in a million years

As others have said- you are not overreacting!

Obviously if the child is unable to assist in any way with dressing then the cm was u expecting it. But as someone who would be taking him to the potty she would surely know how capable he is with dressing?
There are certainly a lot of children who are fully dressed at home who can manage to do some things by themselves at nursery ime. And that’s children with and without Sen.

She knows he can’t undress himself. She helps him take his trousers down, put his coat on, do his shoes etc. But she said that she was making him try because he should have gone to the toilet when she asked. It felt to me like she was just being cruel.

My son has limited language but can say if he needs the toilet. However he often won’t respond when spoken to unless you move him away from what he is doing and get eye contact from him. Sometimes even then he won’t speak.

I work in reception at a school, we regularly have children 4\5 having accidents. It happens. You say “hey ho, lets get this sorted” and then you, with the least amount of fuss sort it out. All kids have accidents, it doesn’t matter if they have additional needs or not. I think it is really worrying that a professional can’t cope with that. I think I would report the incident, and I don’t say that lightly.

Yes move and report to OFSTEAD.

Dreadful behaviour by childminder. Think you should find alternative childcare arrangements. Maybe find a well-run nursery where staff understand development delay and deal with issues sensitively and professionally.

This childminder is not suited to childcare work. Absolutely shocking.

That's unacceptable. Even if your son didn't have additional needs, he should not be treated that way. He is 3 FFS. I'd be looking elsewhere immediately and letting her know the reason why.

If that happened in a nursery any member of staff witnessing this incident would be expected to "whistleblow" and a full investigation would be carried out. Don't just remove your child, remove your child and complain to the appropriate agencies... if you do not this horrible woman will be left to treat other children in her care like this. Another concerning way to look at this is -if she openly tells you of her reaction to behaviour like this what the bloody hell is she doing that she doesn't want parents to see or know about?! Alarm bells should be ringing very loud.

So when you said to her ‘but you know he can’t dress himself’ what did she say? (I’m assuming a she).
I think encouraging him to help would have been good but making him try completely by himself as punishment (if that’s what happened) isn’t on. No wonder he was upset - it would have been very frustrating.

And she should be well capable of dealing with toilet training children who don’t tell them they need the toilet/refuse to go then have an accident. That’s absolutely standard potty training behaviour hence most people using some kind of incentive/star chart to get them to go.

I founds this upsetting to read, but would return to the childminders - in order to slap the bitch.

Or at least I would fantasize about doing that.

OP, report her!! Hope your precious boy has forgotten all about it now.

This is absolutely horrifying. My DS1 is autistic; DS2 is NT. Both still had 'accidents' aged 3 and neither could have coped with getting themselves changed, especially out of wet clothes, and both would be extremely distressed in that situation. I am appalled that anyone could treat such a little person like that, regardless of him having SEN. Definitely report to OFSTED.

i would ask her in writing to inform you of how long exactly your son had been left on the floor, crying, in wet clothes.

You should also ask next person to use his name first. Lots of children with ASD don’t realise you are speaking to them unless you use their name first then address the question.

It doesn’t sound like she was concerning herself with his needs enough.

I’d be furious. Sounds like she doesn’t have much patience with him.

Report it. This would be unacceptable , regardless of possible disability.

Children have accidents. Often at a lot older than this, at home, at school or wherever. Her reaction is unacceptable and verging on abusive tbh, and not just towards your DC but all the children there.

At the very least the CM needs to be made aware, and undergo further training if not reassess her suitability for looking after children.