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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dbro and SIL bottle of wine for wedding

97 replies

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 16:10

Dbro and his dp have got engaged fairly quickly into their relationship and are getting married in March. Ive been asked to be bm however I’m paying for my dress, hair for me and dd who is flower girl, hotel room and to attend the hen do. I’m classed as self employed so when the hen do is and the wedding I utilmately lose money aswell as having to folk out for attending and the additional costs, it’s going to cost me in the region of £300-£400. I”l be losing £210 worth of income to attend. Would I be unreasonable to give a bottle of wine as a present, they have requested money. I did get £50 at my wedding however he didn’t incur the same costs simply money for the bar and auntie took him
home. We got notice of the date of wedding two weeks before Christmas.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 09/01/2019 16:17

If that's genuinely all you can afford then fair enough, but it sounds like you want to just hand over a bottle of wine to make a point, which is a little mean.

Villanellesproudmum · 09/01/2019 16:18

Maybe consider something a bit more personal for similar price of a good bottle of wine instead. Not on the high street have lots of options

Bigonesmallone3 · 09/01/2019 16:19

This is similar to me for my DPs sisters wedding coming up which I am a bridesmaid for.
Costing me money, thankfully il be about 30 weeks pregnant by the time the hen do comes so Iv opted out.
If they've requested money then they aren't going to want a bottle of wine..
How much did u intend to spend on the wine?

Original poster
Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 16:20

It’s not to be mean, I literally struggling like hell to attend with all the additional costs. I have other commitments prior to them even being together like our holiday abroad we need to pay off that was booked last summer, ds is in a nursery that’s we pay for as he has delayed speech so it affects our household especially at such short notice after Christmas and to top it off I had to folk out on my car which broke.

OP posts:
GooodMythicalMorning · 09/01/2019 16:21

my sisters and I didn't get eachother a gift when we were each others bridesmaids. thought that was the norm. Their presents is my presence ;)

Original poster
Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 16:22

Any suggestions would be fab? I’ve been told I have to attend hen because I’m bridesmaid

OP posts:
Racecardriver · 09/01/2019 16:23

We got a bottle of port from one guest (it was shockingly expensive though).

Bigonesmallone3 · 09/01/2019 16:23

Can make suggestions if you tell us how much u intended to spend?

BluthsFrozenBananas · 09/01/2019 16:26

Honestly I’d just tell them what you’ve put in your OP, that because of all of the out of pocket expenses incurred by the wedding you can’t afford to give them a present as well.

BrokenWing · 09/01/2019 16:27

I wouldn't have paid for the bm dress, hair etc as they should should pay for that. Then you wouldn't have resented a gift.

bigchris · 09/01/2019 16:27

I say you can't afford all the outfits to be honest and ask them to choose a bridesmaid and flower girl who can

Original poster
Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 16:28

£20 possibly £30

OP posts:
bigknickersbigknockers · 09/01/2019 16:28

Just bite your lip and give them £50

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/01/2019 16:30

It's entirely up to you OP, but I would manage to squirrel £10 this month and next, add it to the amount I would spend on wine and borrow the other £10-20 from my parents/another sibling so I could give £50.

BIgBagofJelly · 09/01/2019 16:36

Like PP I think it's fine not to spend alot bit wine is impersonal, do something cheap but thoughtful (photo book, framed picture etc).

I do think it's fine to mention that you need to keep costs down and suggest you and DD don't have your hair done professionally for example.

livefornaps · 09/01/2019 16:39

30 is fine!!! Just give cash not wine. You're forking out loads and doing them a massive favour by paying for dress & hair. Don't get the wine and don't apologise for the cash. To be honest, fifty for your sister when you haven't had to rack up loads of expense is a bit tight from your brother. So all things considering, 30 smackeroos from you is more than enough. Bung it in a card and don't think anything more about it.

Tighnabruaich · 09/01/2019 16:39

My fall-back wedding present on occasions like this is a really nice photo frame, perhaps A4 in size, "silver" or modern, whatever their taste is, then they can put one of their wedding photos in it and display it. Everytime they see it they will think of you!

GlasgowWorrier · 09/01/2019 16:39

Fair enough to tally up what it's costing you in terms of your dress, but hen and hotel costs are part of going to any wedding. Get them a bottle of champagne; it's within your budget and less catsbum mouth more celebratory than 'a bottle of wine'.

But be honest - what you're really pissy about is that you resent spending money to celebrate a marriage that you don't think is going to see the year out, right?

livefornaps · 09/01/2019 16:40

Nooooo not the photo frame suggestion - just give them the bloody cash, it's what they want!

averythinline · 09/01/2019 16:41

you do not have to attend the Hen do - they are not compulsory..

Usually bridesmaids do but usually you have more notice..

dont go to the hen do and give them the £50 - however you would probably better of saying you dont want to be bridesmaid........then you dont have to buy the dress either -
people can make demands all they like but you do not have to say yes...

Looking4wards · 09/01/2019 16:41

It's fine/give to spend what you can afford. But your OP does come across as you resenting their wedding because of the cost (and maybe you think they're getting married too quickly?)

You could explain how much it's costing you and a £20 present is all you can afford. Or you can be passive aggressive and risk damaging relations. If your brother and SIL are reasonable people surely they'd understand?

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2019 16:42

If your willing to spend 30 quid on a bottle of wine, can you really not afford the extra twenty? If not, just give them 30 quid. I don't see all the angst over twenty quid.

Consolidatedyourloins · 09/01/2019 16:46

Ae you the only bm? Are any others paying for their dress?

Bigonesmallone3 · 09/01/2019 16:48

Surely what ever u decide (less money/cheaper gift) they should understand that u have had to pay out for there wedding!

Russell19 · 09/01/2019 16:49

You'd be better saying to her you don't need your hair doing professionally and then use that money as a gift instead xx

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