To give dbro and SIL bottle of wine for wedding

[Snappedandfarted2019]

Dbro and his dp have got engaged fairly quickly into their relationship and are getting married in March. Ive been asked to be bm however I’m paying for my dress, hair for me and dd who is flower girl, hotel room and to attend the hen do. I’m classed as self employed so when the hen do is and the wedding I utilmately lose money aswell as having to folk out for attending and the additional costs, it’s going to cost me in the region of £300-£400. I”l be losing £210 worth of income to attend. Would I be unreasonable to give a bottle of wine as a present, they have requested money. I did get £50 at my wedding however he didn’t incur the same costs simply money for the bar and auntie took him
home. We got notice of the date of wedding two weeks before Christmas.

Why are you paying for your own bridesmaid dress and hair for you and your dd? These are normally paid for by the wedding couple

I once made a photobookk kind of thing that went down very well with the couple and it was quite cheap. On every page I wrote a recipe (or copied one) that had to do with one of them. So a drink from his hometown, favourite lunch of a famous person of her hometown, typical dinner of a holiday destination they went to, my favourite dish to celebrate our friendship, that kind of thing with the expkanation why this recipe and nice photo's. It took weeks to put together but was cost 15 or so.

It cost us double that to attend my sil wedding so we gave a bottle of prosecco and a couple of cheap but thoughtful gifts. Originally we had offered to buy an item for the wedding which cost around £50 except sil didn't confirm the personalisation she wanted for it so I never ordered. As we got closer to the wedding I realised how much is was costing us we decided we couldn't afford a more expensive gift.

junebirthdaygirl when it comes to wedding/ funeral/ family milestones etiquette Ireland is unique. Unless the OP is also in Ireland then it's about as relevant as expecting the OP to decide based on Chinese wedding traditions (assuming she isn't Chinese...)

And again may I state that 500 is not the norm in Ireland.

I do agree that you'd be perfectly reasonable to decline to be bridesmaid and definitely decline the hen do. The fact you'd need an outfit for the wedding as an ordinary guest is totally irrelevant as you could wear something that you already have.
Does your DD want to be flower girl? I've let my DD decline to be a bridesmaid because she didn't want to and explained to me that she would have found it awkward and embarrassing, particularly because of the expectation all the bridesmaids would spend the night before and the morning and early afternoon of the wedding together, it wouldn't have been a treat at all but something of an ordeal - but she's a teen.

I genuinely wouldn’t give anything in this situation and would feel perfectly fine about it - presence is a present.

Drum2018 that's good to hear, otherwise some people would be getting into debt or defaulting on rent or mortgage to attend family weddings!

I live in Dublin and gave my brother 150 euro ! That was perfectly fine, generous even.

Of course you would not be unreasonable to give a bottle of wine. You are spending a lot already! We got several bottles of prosecco when we got married.

If you're not close enough to your brother to explain (and receive his acceptance and/or assistance) that you cannot afford to save enough money to cover all the costs in the space of time available, maybe you should decline at least part of the invitation?

If you were my sibling, the only thing I'd care about is whether you and your child are able to attend on the day itself. The rest is just icing on the cake. x

Am I right in understanding the OP didn't even know the bride last summer? TBH I'm finding it a bit strange that she's asked the OP to even be a bridesmaid! That in itself is so far off of my circles "norm" that it leaves me completely unable to predict how the bride/groom may react to a bottle of wine as a gift

Why not do something personal? One of my favourite wedding presents was a framed photo of the sunrise on the day of our wedding with a quote from a song we like written below. And we got a homemade hamper with cheese, crackers and sparkling wine which we had at the hotel the night before we left for our honeymoon. Or my friend made someone a picture with three pieces of OS map, one from where they met, one where they got engaged and one where they married.

I didn't think BMs gave gifts they don't here in my circle, the gift is your time and help.
However DH and I would have been delighted with wine so I don't see why not

I didn’t give my siblings a gift when I was a BM. I was also very strapped for cash and had spent money on a flight home. You are spending a lot. Give them a bottle of wine and a nice card saying how much you have enjoyed being such a big part of the wedding (hint hint).

You should not have to get into debt to attend a family wedding.

If you're struggling to afford a present, give them a nice bottle of wine now, and tell them you're delighted for them but broke! Explain that it's such short notice with your existing commitments. He's family, I'm sure he'll understand. And then perhaps make a note to celebrate their 1st wedding anniversary with some extra cash in a card to treat themselves then?

Am I right in understanding the OP didn't even know the bride last summer

No I didn’t know the bride last summer, I mentioned the speed of the relationship as not to drip feed as to why I had such little notice in regards to how quick the wedding is so why it’s a lot in such a small space of time. In regards to not liking she seems pleasant although I don’t know her very well they only been together 5 months, I am close to my brother though. The £50 might be tight but we are north east area and the average someone gives Is about £20-£30 here. Anything I got for my wedding that was in the 100s were from parents

Well if 30 is average why are you even stressing to begin with??

Just give 30.

Mountain...molehill?

A bottle of wine is a bit shit. I would maybe get some engraved champagne flutes (cheap on Amazon), and a bottle of fizz (you get some lovely inexpensive ones at the supermarket). At least then it would be more personal.
Top tip is to invest in a wave wand (they're not expensive, and my Babyliss one is fab) - it will give you the look of a professional blow dry, but you can do it easily on your own.

I do believe the couple should cover the cost of your dress though.

Your gift is paying for your bridesmaid’s dress and your daughter’s. They’d be taking the piss to expect cash too. I wouldn’t be being told I was paying for a hairdresser either.

As lovefornaps says!

You don't have to spend money to get your own hair done but I bet your dd would love that, so look it as your doing it for her not them. My dd will probably never get to be a flower girl so I'd jump at the chance.