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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To give dbro and SIL bottle of wine for wedding

97 replies

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 16:10

Dbro and his dp have got engaged fairly quickly into their relationship and are getting married in March. Ive been asked to be bm however I’m paying for my dress, hair for me and dd who is flower girl, hotel room and to attend the hen do. I’m classed as self employed so when the hen do is and the wedding I utilmately lose money aswell as having to folk out for attending and the additional costs, it’s going to cost me in the region of £300-£400. I”l be losing £210 worth of income to attend. Would I be unreasonable to give a bottle of wine as a present, they have requested money. I did get £50 at my wedding however he didn’t incur the same costs simply money for the bar and auntie took him
home. We got notice of the date of wedding two weeks before Christmas.

OP posts:
LaurieMarlow · 09/01/2019 16:49

I think most people would prefer wine (or cash) than the patented mumsnet silver photo frame. Don't buy random crap for the sake of it.

In this case, I'd grit my teeth and give £50. You shouldn't have been asked to pay for the dress, but the moment is over, be the bigger person.

If you really, genuinely can't afford that, then yes give the wine (or what you can afford in cash).

PlumpSyrianHamster · 09/01/2019 16:51

FFS, just tell them the truth! Why do people act so bloody wet. 'I cannot afford to give you money on top of all the costs I have incurred for the wedding. Really sorry. Hope you understand,' and give them a card. But honestly what you should have done is get a spine and say NO to being a BM and your dd as a flower girl and the hen do. The more people stop indulging this nonsense and just say, 'Sorry, but I can't participate in that, it's beyond my financial ability,' maybe the less such pisstakers will stop splashing out other peoples' cash on their wedding.

diddl · 09/01/2019 16:52

" but hen and hotel costs are part of going to any wedding. "

So the best thing is to not go to what can't be afforded imo.

I'd seriously think about not being a bmaid tbh.

Or is the idea more that you'll be looking after your daughter?

Don't pay out what you can't afford to for the sake of being polite.

They'll be married whether or not you attend the hen night, whether you're a bmaid or a guest.

Drum2018 · 09/01/2019 16:53

Has the bride given you free reign on the dress you wear? If she is picking your bridesmaid dress then let her pay for it. Otherwise have a good look around and you might pick up a bargain. Do your own hair and your dds - surely you can manage it for a night out so this shouldn't be any different. If bride wants you and dd to have an elaborate updo then let her pay. Is the hotel too far for you to drive home that night? If not then go home. Cut out any unnecessary expense from your budget. You don't Have to go to the hen night and if you really can't afford it then say so. Being part of a wedding party should not put any extra expense on you. We paid for everything for our bridesmaid and best man. The alternative is to tell her you just can't be her bridesmaid for financial reasons and give them £50 as a normal guest. If you go ahead with being a bridesmaid I wouldn't give anything as you, being bridesmaid, are the gift!

labazsisgoingmad · 09/01/2019 16:54

perhaps get some his and hers glasses to go with the wine need not be much more expense maybe a tenner

cstaff · 09/01/2019 16:54

Its not just the cost though - it's the short notice in fairness. And also the fact that she has to spend her money on a bridesmaid dress for herself and her daughter and to get her hair done. TBH I would not be happy with that and if funds are low I definitely would not be pleased having to fork out.

BlueUggs · 09/01/2019 16:54

I would bow out of being a bridesmaid and explain that as lovely as it was to be asked, you can't afford the extra expense.

Gatehouse77 · 09/01/2019 16:54

You see, I'm in the camp where you don't have to do anything. I wouldn't attend a hen do unless it was for someone/something I actually want to spend time with/do. If not, have a wonderful time without me!

You buy a gift that is within your means and you feel comfortable doing. Couldn't give a flying fig what other people think unless I've actively sought their opinion.

MrsJayy · 09/01/2019 16:55

If you and your dd are in the wedding you don't need to give a gift you are the gift Grin seriously if you are forking out for this that and the next thing then a card and a bottle of fizz will do them surely?

PlumpSyrianHamster · 09/01/2019 16:58

I'd honestly bow out of the BM and flowergirl, but I'd never have agreed to all that at all. I'm not going to compromise my income that I need to support my kids for anyone's wedding, I don't care how close they are. But I don't have family who'd expect their relatives to do that.

poppet31 · 09/01/2019 16:58

Don't give a photo frame. I got so many and you can't possibly use them all so they inevitably end up at the charity shop. If they asked for cash, I'd give them that, even if you can only afford £20/30.

cstaff · 09/01/2019 16:59

Also this is your brother you are talking about - surely you can come clean with him and he will understand. He would rather have you there than you not come because of financial reasons. He would probably hate to think of your finances being cleaned out because of his wedding - especially a present.

PatchworkElmer · 09/01/2019 17:02

I’d not be a bridesmaid, and say that you want to focus on DD as flower girl.

fruitbrewhaha · 09/01/2019 17:02

This is crazy. Just bow out of being bm, just your daughter as flower girl. Presumably you don't really know the bride so why be bm for her. No thanks to the hen do, unless you actually want to go. Your gift is paying for your dds dress.

pfwow · 09/01/2019 17:05

Get them a nice personalised souvenir box with both their initials on. Not that costly and more personal.

kaytee87 · 09/01/2019 17:07

Just give them £30

LaurieMarlow · 09/01/2019 17:09

Get them a nice personalised souvenir box with both their initials on

In the nicest possible way I would hate a gift like this and would be lamenting the nice bottle of wine that I could be enjoying.

Seaweed42 · 09/01/2019 17:10

It sounds like you don't like the SIL and don't want to be a bridesmaid and are resenting it all. Don't bother giving them the wine, it's rude.
Why not say you will give them a present next year when you can afford it. Then save a fiver a week till you have 100 quid saved.
If you were going to a friend's wedding, you'd be paying for a dress, and the hotel and wouldn't be complaining about it. You can phone in sick for the Hen Do and don't go.
Why not do your hairs yourself at home or get a friend to do it. You can practice how to do DD hair using Youtube videos.

Bellatrix14 · 09/01/2019 17:12

I think requesting money as a wedding gift is a fairly crass thing to do actually unless you provide blank envelopes/a postbox for guests to anonymously put their donations in as it puts people under a lot of pressure. Yes, they have paid money for you to attend but they have chosen to get married, and while I would always take a gift to a wedding I wouldn’t generally spend more than £20 or £30 (more if it was a couples gift) and would go ‘off list’ if I really didn’t have very much to spend. I think £30 is absolutely fine, especially as you’re paying for all the bridesmaid and flower girl expenditure too!

Yabbers · 09/01/2019 17:13

FFS, just tell them the truth! Why do people act so bloody wet.
I turned down the invite to my ex sil’s hen do. Told her I couldn’t afford it. She offered to lend me the money and I pointed out I had it but couldn’t afford to spend it. She was really pissed off. Afterwards she gushed about how wonderful it was and how she was really glad her friends, who were struggling for money, had still come along. I said “wow, I couldn’t do something which knowingly put my friends into debt. At least I’ll be able to pay rent this month”. She wasn’t happy!

These folk do need to be called out on their CF-ery, but it isn’t always easy.

Disfordarkchocolate · 09/01/2019 17:15

I'd like a nice bottle of wine or port, I have enough stuff and like to do things or have presents you can consume.

DioneTheDiabolist · 09/01/2019 17:15

I was BM for my sister and didn't go to her hen do as I couldn't afford it.

MadeleineMaxwell · 09/01/2019 17:16

One of my favourite wedding presents was from an old friend who had travelled from abroad to come. It was just some lovely nesting boxes with little notes and poems about marriage inside - I still have them. Maybe something like that?

Cuddlykitten123 · 09/01/2019 17:17

We got a few bottle of champaigne at our wedding and actually it was lovely after the wedding /honeymoon was over to be able to sit down with a posh glass of fizz and go through the photos/write thank you cards etc. They are definitely wine drinkers though?

ShannonRockallMalin · 09/01/2019 17:17

If you’re paying for your own and your DDs dresses, can you recoup some of the costs afterwards by selling them? I bought nice suits for my DSs when they were pageboys for a family wedding. I knew they would never wear them again and soon grow out of them so I sold them on eBay and got most of my money back.

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