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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To give dbro and SIL bottle of wine for wedding

97 replies

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 16:10

Dbro and his dp have got engaged fairly quickly into their relationship and are getting married in March. Ive been asked to be bm however I’m paying for my dress, hair for me and dd who is flower girl, hotel room and to attend the hen do. I’m classed as self employed so when the hen do is and the wedding I utilmately lose money aswell as having to folk out for attending and the additional costs, it’s going to cost me in the region of £300-£400. I”l be losing £210 worth of income to attend. Would I be unreasonable to give a bottle of wine as a present, they have requested money. I did get £50 at my wedding however he didn’t incur the same costs simply money for the bar and auntie took him
home. We got notice of the date of wedding two weeks before Christmas.

OP posts:

junebirthdaygirl · 09/01/2019 17:23

Just tell them you will have a present for them later.
In lreland it would be unusual to give a sibling less than 500 euro. Seems tight him giving you 50 pounds. We wouldn't give equivalent of a bottle of wine to a distant friend. And we usually have numerous siblings.
Wait a while and give him 50 when you have it. I would rather nothing than a bottle of wine from a sibling.
If yiu weren't bridesmaid you would buy a dress, book a hotel etc. And its a treat for your dc to be flower girl l presume. Just accept that these family occasions only come around occasionally so get excited and enjoy it.

ClaireElizabethBeauchampFraser · 09/01/2019 17:25

I would buy something like this

www.gettingpersonal.co.uk/gifts/personalised-papercut-mood-light-wedding-arch.htm

I bought the hot air ballon version for my lovely friend, who’s df had just proposed on a hot air balloon and it is honestly stunning! It is much more personal than a bottle of wine.

SandAndSea · 09/01/2019 17:30

As they've requested money, I'd give money. Even if it's only a token amount, it all helps to pay for the day and honeymoon etc.

Bungleinthejungle · 09/01/2019 17:34

I think I'd be honest. Can you not say, it's really important to me to be involved in the wedding and the hen do but I'm struggling to pay for that and the present. What would they rather I contributed to?

Ragwort · 09/01/2019 17:36

Of course you don’t have to attend the Hen Party, don’t be so wet, just decline politely. And you don’t have to agree to be a bridesmaid, again, politely say that because of the cost of the dress etc it will not be possible for you to be a bridesmaid.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 09/01/2019 17:39

Why are you paying for your dresses?

Just say no to being bridesmaid. Why should you fork out for that?

I had a silly amount of bridesmaids for my wedding and I paid for everything, including shoes and hairdos.

Mountainsoutofmolehills · 09/01/2019 17:41

hen dos are awful if you don't know other hens/ if it's pricey 'look really upset and NOT go due to ficticious prearranged appointment.

lyinginthesundrinkingbubbles · 09/01/2019 17:44

As bridesmaid you are in a position of "power" at a wedding and able to coordinate guests to make something special!

Could you get the guests to help you make a fingerprint tree?
Organising this, framing it and giving it to the couple would be a lovely thing to go on their wall. It isn't very pricey.

https://www.treeofhearts.co.uk/fingerprint-tree-vintage-tree?gclid=EAIaIQobChMI6drJrZ h3wIV5r3tCh11vQrOEAQYASABEgKvwwDBwE

tiggerkid · 09/01/2019 17:45

To be honest, I'd rather not spend on hair and give them the £50 to avoid any potential talk between relatives later (and I suspect there will be one, esp. because they asked for money).

On their day, I doubt anyone will be focused on your hair that much, so you can probably get away with a DIY job of some sort or another. If you were going to spend £20-30, then the money saved on hair should nicely bring it up to £50.

Aridane · 09/01/2019 17:47

£20 - £30 in a card is fine!

waywardfruit · 09/01/2019 17:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

waywardfruit · 09/01/2019 17:51

Oops! Sorry, wrong thread!

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/01/2019 17:52

As its your sib , I would rather get nothing than something that may be interpreted as passive aggressive....

Why don't you SPEAK to your bro?? ... And just tell him... I would focus on the dresses and their prices rather than lost earnings which many people have....

I would present kt as... The 300£ cost of dresses is your present... Or bro pays and then you buy a present...

MrsCBY · 09/01/2019 17:54

Why don’t you just talk to them, or to your DB at least? Tell him what you’ve said here. That it is costing you money you can barely afford to go to the hen do/wedding and be BM etc, that you have had no time to budget for this, that you have a lot of other outgoings and that unless they pick up the slack for the dresses/hair etc, you simply can’t afford a cash gift on top.

If he brings up how much cash he gave you, remind him he didn’t have all the other outgoings.

You sound totally reasonable to me, and unless your brother and his future DW are totally unreasonable, they should be able to understand this.

AJPTaylor · 09/01/2019 17:54

Tell them you can't afford it all. See what they say.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 09/01/2019 17:59

A pal had this when a bro decided to get married at a remote hotel in Italy... Brilliant.. except it was term-time and she was a teacher and it was a long taxi ride from the airport... And she was 200 miles from the airport in the UK... And... And. And.....he had a fit when she said she couldn't make it..... As with all tjr costs and the cost she'd have to do as an unpaid day away from work and.. It would cost her over a 1000£....and it meant she would arrive only 2 hours before the wedding and would have to leave at 5 the next mornonf... So less tja than 24 hours and no wriggle room if there were any delays...

As she said...if it was that important to him he would have ensured she could make it before booking venue...

DianaBlythe · 09/01/2019 17:59

I think it’s perfectly fine to give £20 or £30 or wine. I wouldn’t get a photo frame or personalised print from not on the high street if they’ve asked for money although the finger print tree is a nice idea.

If they’re big wine drinkers then something from a region they like or somewhere special they’ve been is nice. If they’re not wine snobs then you can make personalised bottles of wine with a label with a picture of their venue or a little message. They can always save the bottle if they like and then it is personal and sentimental but it’s still a consumable and you don’t need to worry about their style or taste or them having more photo frames than they know what to do with.

Gresley · 09/01/2019 18:02

Yes, they never seem to realise how much it's going to cost the guests, do they? Hairdos, clothes, petrol, staying over, present...I am going to my db's wedding and have been asked to pay £20 towards accommodation at the venue too, which I thought was a bit much seeing it cost them a set amount all in, and she's loaded.

But not wine, or even champagne. You will hopefully be getting champagne at the wedding, and unless the bottle of wine is a collector's vintage (which it won't be for £30), they won't appreciate it.

I would suggest looking for something vintage on Ebay or at an antique shop. I got some vintage pure Irish linen tea towels for £20. Do they have a list? My PILs gave me a Sabatier knife and solid wooden chopping board decades ago which I still use (you wouldn't get both for £30 today, but you might get one). It has to be something they can keep, not that will be gone in one evening.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 09/01/2019 18:03

Are they expecting to choose your dresses/hair and you pay for it? That’s not on.

Drum2018 · 09/01/2019 18:03

In lreland it would be unusual to give a sibling less than 500 euro. Seems tight him giving you 50 pounds.

Don't know where in Ireland you live but I'm assuming it's not near me! That's an obscene amount to expect from anyone, sibling or not.

Allthewaves · 09/01/2019 18:05

Similar situation and I got bride and groom personalised keyring with wedding date and names in sliver from not the high street. Bit personal but not pricey

NC4Now · 09/01/2019 18:07

Are they having a honeymoon? A friend of mine was on a really tight budget when we got married and put some euros in a card, with a note saying ‘get yourselves a drink on us.’
It was a lovely thought and we really appreciated it.

x2boys · 09/01/2019 18:09

Seriously I don't know why there is so much angst about giving money on here ,most people want money these days , I love wine but I would much rather have the £20-30 and get myself a bottle for a fiver .

Horsemenoftheaclopalypse · 09/01/2019 18:10

I know everyone is supposed to be mega grateful for any gift at all on mumsnet but in reality this would go down like a one tonne lead balloon In my family.

I would get a card only and write a beautiful message, no wine.

I’d explain the high costs and hence lack of gift to your DB ahead of the wedding.

The wine seems a bit passive aggressive

flowery · 09/01/2019 18:26

Don’t be a bridesmaid. Do your DD’s hair yourself. Those two savings should more than cover it.

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