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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he's been unfaithful

93 replies

loopy42 · 09/01/2019 06:35

For background myself and DP have been together for almost 11 years and have 1 DD8 together.

I have always trusted him completely. I was unfaithful 6 years ago but we agreed we wanted to stay together, had counselling and built the trust back. We have been extremely happy since.

In October he went away on a boys weekend, we haven't been intimate since he came back despite me trying to initiate it. It's very out of the norm for us.

I've been talking about wanting to TTC baby number 2 for a few years now and he's been very against it. Well 2 weeks ago he just agreed to it totally out of the blue.

It's been playing on my mind ever since that he may have said yes out of guilt.

It finally got too much for me at the weekend and I asked him outright if he had been unfaithful whilst away, of course he said no way he wouldn't want to risk his family blah blah. I left it although I was still not convinced.

Fast forward to this morning and I know I shouldn't have before I get bashed for it but I went through his phone, no secret messages, phone calls or photos. But on his google search history he has asked how long it takes an STI to show symptoms.

AIBU to put all this together and assume he has been unfaithful after all or am I putting 2+2 together and getting 5?

OP posts:
NashvilleQueen · 09/01/2019 06:41

YANBU

LegoPiecesEverywhere · 09/01/2019 06:42

Yes sounds like he had a one night stand. Sorry

KC225 · 09/01/2019 06:42

Suspicious.

lonelyplanetmum · 09/01/2019 06:44

It's an odd question for him to google without cause. He could say he has been wondering if he picked something up before, even in his teenage years that has lain dormant? But that's stretching credulity.

I am sorry to say, if you combine the search with his recent history plus his weekend away then logically it starts to build a picture of a reason to be concerned.

I'm so sorry that you have this at the start of a New Year OP.

Productrecall · 09/01/2019 06:45

I would think he'd be unlikely to search that out of the blue, but if you ask him, he'll have some plausible excuse ready. Looking it up for a friend, etc. Sounds like he cheated, but you'll not get the truth from him.

jessstan2 · 09/01/2019 06:50

I occasionally look up obscure and odd details, prompted by stuff I've read on the internet which has made me interested or inquisitive, but I've done nothing wrong. It's something people do sometimes when they can't sleep.

Don't jump to conclusions but not unreasonable to ask him outright.

silkpyjamasallday · 09/01/2019 06:53

It doesn't look good OP, I don't think asking him is going to mean you get your answer, he will have all manner of excuses for the internet search and the lack of interest in sex with you etc I'm sure. Flowers

TheMythicalChicken · 09/01/2019 06:57

So sorry OP. I would tell him you know he’s been unfaithful, but I wouldn’t tell him how you know.

What will you do if he has been unfaithful?

Sonneedshelp · 09/01/2019 07:00

Doesn't sound good, as PO said though I do google extremely random stuff, which if anyone saw would make them wonder what I was on!

The difference being you've already got suspicious feelings.

Good luck Thanks

Sonneedshelp · 09/01/2019 07:00

*PP not PO

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 07:02

Like PP have said he is never gonna admit to it even if he has he will have some plausible excuse.

I don't know if I want to break up my family over a suspicion with no proof

I don't know what to do tbh

OP posts:
Howdoyoudoit31 · 09/01/2019 07:12

Sounds like he 100% cheated and didn’t use a condom either so he’s worried.

What date did he google about the STI?

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 09/01/2019 07:13

Well he didn’t break up your family based on your infidelity with proof, so I do hope you are prepared to work through this regardless of proof or not.

It’s only fair, don’t you think?

You’d have been a single parent long ago if he’d binned you at the first sign of failure on your part.

giantnannyknickers · 09/01/2019 07:15

Isn't it more important to find out if he actually has an STI? You don't want to risk your fertility because he's being dishonest.

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 07:19

He googled about the STI last thing last night before coming to bed.

He had his revenge one night stand at the time 6 years ago.

So no if he has been unfaithful again I'm not prepared to work through it

OP posts:
Poodloo · 09/01/2019 07:27

You need to ask him. And to be honest, if it were me. I'd make him do another STI test where I was present so he can't cop out.

Poodloo · 09/01/2019 07:28

I also wouldn't be surprised if he's having some symptoms which is why he's googling it now and panicking.

pilates · 09/01/2019 07:37

Agree with Poodloo, you need to be honest with him and say because you haven’t had sex since he went away in October with the boys and then suddenly out of the blue agreed to have another baby, you checked his phone and found him googling about STI. Sorry it’s not looking good.

ItsQuietTime · 09/01/2019 07:44

No sex since the boys night plus the search for STI symptoms after agreeing for another baby sounds like he fucked someone without protection. Somehow that's even more disgusting.

I'm surprised the marriage survived both your own infidelity as well as his immature revenge cheating. Then he decided to throw it all away anyway.

KirstyAllsoppsFatterTwin · 09/01/2019 07:45

Ah, nice bit of useful drip feeding there. How odd that you didn’t mention it earlier.

ThisWayDown · 09/01/2019 07:49

His revenge ONS 6 years ago - did he tell you about it openly at the time? Or did you suspect?

It seems odd that he’d be googling about STI symptoms last night as opposed to any other time between Oct and now. Was this after you asked him if he’d been unfaithful? Do you think he could have planted that google search for you to see to wind you up or see if you e been snooping, or as cold revenge for your affair? How did he find out about your affair?

Littlechocola · 09/01/2019 07:50

It doesn’t sound like the healthiest of relationships!
Do you love him?

DeadBod · 09/01/2019 07:51

You need to ask about the search history.
Why would he agree to try for another child if he's not willing to have sex? Confused

abbsisspartacus · 09/01/2019 07:52

I think if OP had said he had his revenge one night stand 6 years ago people would have instantly said he has form for this behaviour

Two wrongs don't make a right however you have already worked out your cheat his revenge cheat so this is a whole other ball game tell him you know and he needs to go to the Drs for an sti check plus if you have been intimate in anyway since October get yourself checked too

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 07:58

No he didn't tell me about the ONS he drunkenly told a friend of his who happens to be in a relationship with my close friend who told me straight away.

I told him outright when I had been unfaithful, complete transparency.

I have ordered 2 free online STI checks this morning they should arrive tomorrow so will be doing one myself and giving him the other to do and then will go from there.

I didn't mention the ONS in my original post as it wasn't something he wanted to do I encouraged it to appease my guilt somehow, so didn't feel it was relevant to this situation.

The incidents 6 years ago have been dealt with professionally and we managed
To claw our relationship back together. This situation is a totally new and separate issue

OP posts:
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