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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's been unfaithful

93 replies

loopy42 · 09/01/2019 06:35

For background myself and DP have been together for almost 11 years and have 1 DD8 together.

I have always trusted him completely. I was unfaithful 6 years ago but we agreed we wanted to stay together, had counselling and built the trust back. We have been extremely happy since.

In October he went away on a boys weekend, we haven't been intimate since he came back despite me trying to initiate it. It's very out of the norm for us.

I've been talking about wanting to TTC baby number 2 for a few years now and he's been very against it. Well 2 weeks ago he just agreed to it totally out of the blue.

It's been playing on my mind ever since that he may have said yes out of guilt.

It finally got too much for me at the weekend and I asked him outright if he had been unfaithful whilst away, of course he said no way he wouldn't want to risk his family blah blah. I left it although I was still not convinced.

Fast forward to this morning and I know I shouldn't have before I get bashed for it but I went through his phone, no secret messages, phone calls or photos. But on his google search history he has asked how long it takes an STI to show symptoms.

AIBU to put all this together and assume he has been unfaithful after all or am I putting 2+2 together and getting 5?

OP posts:
Fannybaws52 · 09/01/2019 07:59

People in loving, healthy relationships don't generally seek out other sexual partners.

Your relationship was damaged 6 years ago twice and if you didn't resolve the issues and feelings back then that caused you both to cheat then this was inevitable.

SaturdayNext · 09/01/2019 08:01

Have you asked him why he has suddenly lost interest in sex since October?

Banana8080 · 09/01/2019 08:01

YANBU so sorry he’s been unfaithful.

proseccoaficionado · 09/01/2019 08:05

I'm not sure about the dynamics of a relationship where there has been cheating before. (Also, revenge ONS? Odd.)

However I don't think trust can be built again once it's been lost.

Weird choice of phrasing when he said "wouldn't risk his family", it sounded like it's bloody tempting, but he knows that if you find out it's over.

Re STIs, as pp have said, I do google random stuff sometimes if I read something or if someone told me about it but I agree it's odd. Here the main problem is not that he cheated (though for me would be a deal breaker), but the fact that he is putting YOU to risk. Glad your ordered the tests.

Let us know how it goes. Best of luck

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 08:06

Yes I have asked him about the lack of intimacy since October he just said he doesn't know why he's lost interest and will go see someone about his lack of sex drive

OP posts:
ThePollutedShadesOfPemberley · 09/01/2019 08:06

The reluctance to have sex and the internet search then the sudden decision to have sex looks like he was given the all clear. You have to assume he was unfaithful.
You will have to admit you snooped if you tell him you KNOW he was unfaithful though.

I think I would tell him I was suspicious so I snooped and now I know for certain and see what his response is.

Juells · 09/01/2019 08:14

Perhaps he thinks you have an STI from six years ago? Confused

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 08:15

We were both tested 6 years ago and were both clear

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 09/01/2019 08:36

Sounds like he has sti symptoms which is why he hasn’t been having sex with you, he needs to get tested.

The relationship doesn’t sound ideal, you cheated on him 6 years ago and then he had a revenge one nighter to get back at you? I think this kind of proves that neither of you should be trusted?

You either except that he has cheated (again) and work through it or you end the relationship. I couldn’t continue with someone I couldn’t trust, chances are he doesn’t trust you either.

safetyfreak · 09/01/2019 08:51

It doesn't sound good. The reason he is not having sex with you is because of the STI issue.

I know you cheated first but he also cheated as 'revenge' so he has it in him to cheat as well. Sorry your going through this again after what you worked through 6 years ago.

Skittlesandbeer · 09/01/2019 09:09

See, now I can be quite cold when I’m in search of the truth. I’d be likely to initiate some form of sexual contact, innocently randy and out of the blue. Genital contact between your hand and him, then a sexy masturbation type thing to ‘get him going’. Either way, you can stop anytime, right? Just be convincing enough.

Would give me the perfect excuse to go ‘get myself tested’ next week due to vague ‘symptoms’ and come back with an accusation. Anyone can explain away a google search. But the colour his face goes when you say he’s passed on an STI would tell you everything you need to know. He’s admitted one thing only by his search history- he has little to no idea how these things work, medically. It’d be a cinch to dupe him.

It’s not everybody’s bag, but I’d be very very calm, patient and strategic if breaking up my family was on the table.

The past is only relevant if he comes clean, and you both try for the therapy option. Right now sounds like truth about that recent weekend is the important thing. And really, what are the chances he’ll spill through honesty and genuine remorse when he knows his life might get flushed down the loo if he does?

Skittlesandbeer · 09/01/2019 09:12

To clarify my post: I hope it’s clear I’m not actually suggesting I would expose myself to an actual STI in your situation. Just use...ahem...a bit of sleight of hand is my point.

LongWalkShortPlank · 09/01/2019 09:14

I agree with pp, it sounds like he thinks he might have an sti, maybe something that can take a while to show symptoms. I'd be assuming he had slept with someone else in September/October time if that's when he stopped wanting sex.

Bluntness100 · 09/01/2019 09:18

God here we go, the man is always cheating on mumsnet,

A friend could have said to him he was worried about and sti and he googled it, that's the sort of random shit I'd do, I really can't see lack of interest in sex and a random google as proof he has cheated.

And it's certainly not "100%" like someone is gleefully telling you.

AdamNichol · 09/01/2019 09:19

There are a couple of mights...[but they rely upon the baby/sex thing being unrelated]

He might have googled for another attendee on the weekend away. He hasn't done a good job of track covering if he was looking for himself. This ain't all that likely though.

He might have developed a case of thrush, not known what it was and been looking for that (with a possible suspicion that you'd been unfaithful again and he'd picked something up from you). Again, a stretch but a possibility.

Juells · 09/01/2019 09:21

Bluntness100
God here we go, the man is always cheating on mumsnet,

Ha ha in fairness, he usually is.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 09:21

Can you clarify your relationship with this guy? I'm assuming he is significantly older than you because you are 30 and have been together almost 11 years and he had a 17-year old daughter from another relationship in addition to the 8 year-old daughter you have together. I assume he's not the father of your other daughter who is 12? Do the 12-year old (his step daughter) and the 17-year old (your stepdaughter) both live with you?

Might make a huge difference in people's advice to know all these things as well.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 09:22

Presumably you had only just had a baby when you got together with him?

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 09:25

I am 30, he is 33.

He has 2 children from a previous relationship DD12 and DS17

I have 2 children from previous relationship
DS13 and DS13 just turned.

And we have DD8 together. We were both teenage parents

I'm not really sure why that's relevant tbh

OP posts:
Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 09:26

Only the 8 year old and 17 year old live with us

OP posts:
ThisWayDown · 09/01/2019 09:27

I didn't mention the ONS in my original post as it wasn't something he wanted to do I encouraged it to appease my guilt somehow, so didn't feel it was relevant to this situation.

So you encouraged him to have a ONS 6 years ago? Confused How exactly?

Exexexcel · 09/01/2019 09:27

Would you really end your marriage over a one night stand?

Grumpasaurus · 09/01/2019 09:29

Op, when was he away again?

I work in Sexual Health. We generally advise people they need to leave a 3 month window between the instance of unprotected sex and a full STI screen, as that allows time for all STIs to show up on standard tests.

My guess- say he had UPS via a ONS in October, he's waiting to have a test and for the results to be sent to him.

Do keep in mind that online tests don't test for herpes or HPV; if he does have symptoms he may need to go get checked in a clinic.

slappinthebass · 09/01/2019 09:30

another possibility is he has a genital wart or lump or something else which is making him avoid sex? When I was pregnant I developed skin tags that I thought were genital warts. My search history would have showed me asking how long they can stay dormant (years and years is the answer) I definitely avoided sex because I was too embarrassed to bring it up.

ShatnersWig · 09/01/2019 09:30

Some people may feel very differently about a situation involving one child who lives at home than if there were three or four or five, one of whom currently suffers from depression I believe. It's like you dropping the "revenge" one night stand in later which changed people's opinions.

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