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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's been unfaithful

93 replies

loopy42 · 09/01/2019 06:35

For background myself and DP have been together for almost 11 years and have 1 DD8 together.

I have always trusted him completely. I was unfaithful 6 years ago but we agreed we wanted to stay together, had counselling and built the trust back. We have been extremely happy since.

In October he went away on a boys weekend, we haven't been intimate since he came back despite me trying to initiate it. It's very out of the norm for us.

I've been talking about wanting to TTC baby number 2 for a few years now and he's been very against it. Well 2 weeks ago he just agreed to it totally out of the blue.

It's been playing on my mind ever since that he may have said yes out of guilt.

It finally got too much for me at the weekend and I asked him outright if he had been unfaithful whilst away, of course he said no way he wouldn't want to risk his family blah blah. I left it although I was still not convinced.

Fast forward to this morning and I know I shouldn't have before I get bashed for it but I went through his phone, no secret messages, phone calls or photos. But on his google search history he has asked how long it takes an STI to show symptoms.

AIBU to put all this together and assume he has been unfaithful after all or am I putting 2+2 together and getting 5?

OP posts:
notaborc · 09/01/2019 09:30

Not trying to be judgemental, although I know it’s going to come across that way anyway. Aside from the fact this doesn’t seem like a good environment to bring another kid into with all the cheating, you already have 5 children between you, do you really need to be trying for another one?

louise5754 · 09/01/2019 09:30

Why would he google that 5 months after the ONS?

Also as you said he cheated on you for revenge.

If you hadn't cheated and he had would you have forgiven him like he did you?

I don't think you can do much if he has. He will just say you did it and were forgiven so why can't he?

Grumpasaurus · 09/01/2019 09:33

Also op, one thing I have noticed it that the first questions unfaithful partners ask is "how long do I have to avoid sex" and "how long does it take for symptoms to show". Both questions would have the same answer: safest to avoid sexual for 3 months and test at three months to ensure all window periods have passed".

ThisWayDown · 09/01/2019 09:50

That makes sense Grumpasaurus in terms of the dates and him googling many months after.

SillySallySingsSongs · 09/01/2019 09:55

Prehaps he thinks you have cheated again

Original poster
loopy42 · 09/01/2019 09:58

So I have just confronted him with everything.

He's admitted to getting oral sex from a stripper on his lads weekend.

OP posts:
NameChangeNine · 09/01/2019 10:01

Strippers don't sell sexual favours, prostitutes do!

whatalemon · 09/01/2019 10:04

OMG! So sorry OP. You must be so shocked - but at least you know now x

louise5754 · 09/01/2019 10:04

Definitely not a stripper.

Either some random women or a prostitute.

RickOShay · 09/01/2019 10:05

How do you feel now loopy?
Flowers

louise5754 · 09/01/2019 10:05

Can you catch STI that way?

Genuine question.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 09/01/2019 10:11

Tbh the whole situation seems to be tit for tat, you were the first to cheat and you gave him a free pass to do so to ease guilt. Unfortunately there’s 5 children in this mess and you’re wanting to TTC. It sounds like you’re relationship never recovered from you’re intial transgression even though you think it did.

Fashionista101 · 09/01/2019 10:17

Eeeesh, that must have hurt.

Sonneedshelp · 09/01/2019 10:20

@loopy42 I'm really sorry you're in for a tough road ahead, I don't believe the stripper story. Even if I did it's vile anyway.

Justaboy · 09/01/2019 10:36

He's admitted to getting oral sex from a stripper on his lads weekend.

Bit TMI but a mate of mine at his stag party had this happen he was almost legless drunk BUT the grim bit was that she tried to have actual PIV Sex with him but he couldn't rise to the occasion and not a condom in sight anywhere!

They have bene married 15 years now seem to be quite happy togther!

Chamomileteaplease · 09/01/2019 10:41

It all sounds very messy but I would say it sounds like you would be better off not TTC for quite a while.

AdamNichol · 09/01/2019 10:47

*God here we go, the man is always cheating on mumsnet,

Ha ha in fairness, he usually is.*

Whilst not true in general, by the time someone comes to a public forum to get perspective on their suspicions, probably reason to worry.

DanglyBangly · 09/01/2019 10:47

Why don’t your 13 year old sons live with you?

AdamNichol · 09/01/2019 10:49

*Can you catch STI that way?

Genuine question.*

Risk is pretty tiny, but not impossible. Less risky to be the recipient as mouths are hostile places to most pathogens, so you're not likely to get something from their mouth. But if you are the giver, there is a greater risk of swallowing some unexpected passengers.

MiniCooperLover · 09/01/2019 11:00

He's told you the least he can get away with .. at some point soon he'll admit to full sex I would imagine ...

2K19 · 09/01/2019 11:02

@DanglyBangly why do you need to know? They could be with their father a relative or in the care system. It is totally irrelevant to this issue. OP don't answer this intrusive question

OutPinked · 09/01/2019 11:11

Yes you can catch STI’s from oral sex as a friend of mine discovered. He contracted oral gonorrhoea as well as the classic penile gonorrhoea after only doing oral both ways with another man. The other man had it orally so passed it to him that way and the other man also had it down below so passed it to my friend that way too. Nasty, nasty. Can also catch chlamydia and herpes from oral, herpes can be passed on if a person gives oral whilst they have a cold sore for example.

Sorry, major STI lesson right there Grin.

Sorry he has done this to you. Goes without saying but definitely don’t TTC. You need to think about whether the relationship is worth saving in all honesty. You have been together a very long time but both have been unfaithful. Not sure how trust can be maintained when neither of you have been able to keep it in your pants...

louise5754 · 09/01/2019 11:14

I know you can catch STI that way but he said she gave him oral sex?

NoFucksImAQueen · 09/01/2019 11:14

it's almost worse after he gave all the bs of no I wouldn't do that wouldn't risk my family etc. are you ok loopy?

MILHouse · 09/01/2019 11:20

He’s not telling you the full story.

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